Monday, December 17, 2007

Flour and Water

How come when you mix water and flour together you get glue?

And then you add eggs and sugar and you get cake?

Where did the glue go?

NEED AN ANSWER?

You know darned well where it went!

That's what makes the cake stick to your BUTT!!!

Saturday, December 15, 2007

Calcium in Milk

Got Milk?

Tainted Love

Accident

I rear-ended a car this morning.

So there we are alongside the road and slowly the driver gets out of the car . . . and you know how you just get sooooo stressed and life-stuff seems to get really funny?

Yeah, well, I could NOT believe it . . . he was a DWARF!

He storms over to my car, looks up at me and says, "I AM NOT HAPPY!"

So, I look down at him and say, "Well, which one are you then?"

Tuesday, December 04, 2007

Facts of Life

  1. Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written an impressive new book. It's called 'Ministers Do More Than Lay People.'
  2. Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary.
  3. The difference between the Pope and your boss, the Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.
  4. My mind works like lightning, One brilliant flash and it is gone.
  5. The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.
  6. I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once. The seat folded up, the drink spilled and that ice, well, it really chilled the mood.
  7. It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable Now,of course, there's shipping and handling, too.
  8. A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out,gives the impression that he just cleaned the whole house.
  9. My next house will have no kitchen - just vending machines and a large trash can.
  10. A blonde said, 'I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off. I was relieved when he told me all I needed was turn signal fluid.'
  11. My neighbor was bit by a stray rabid dog. I went to see how he was and found him writing frantically on a piece of paper. I told him rabies could be treated, and he didn't have to worry about a Will. He said, 'Will? What Will?I'm making a list of the people I want to bite.'
  12. Definition of a teenager?
    God's punishment...for enjoying sex.

Sunday, October 28, 2007

Novocaine

Anger Management

Old Sex

One night an 87 yr. old woman came home from bingo to find her 92-year-old husband in bed with another woman. She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor assisted-living apartment killing him instantly.

Brought before the court on a charge of murder, the judge asked her if she had anything to say in her defense.

She began coolly, "Yes, your honor, I figured that at 92, if he could have sex, he could fly."

Saturday, October 27, 2007

Official Announcement

The government today announced that it is changing its emblem from an Eagle to a CONDOM because it more accurately reflects the government's political stance. A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of dick heads, and gives you a sense of security while you're actually being screwed.

Mastercard

The Prostitutes' Sign

Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car which said:

"Two Prostitutes -- $50.00."

A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them and told them they'd either have to remove the sign or go to jail.

Just at that time, another car passed with a sign saying: "JESUS SAVES."

One of the girls asked the officer, "How come you don't stop them?!"

"Well, that's a little different," the officer smiled "Their sign pertains to religion."

So the two ladies of the night frowned as they took their sign down and drove off.

The following day found the same police officer in the area when he noticed the two ladies driving around with a large sign on their car again.

Figuring he had an easy arrest, he began to catch up with them when he noticed the new sign which now read:

"Two Fallen Angels Seeking Peter -- $50.00."

Monday, October 15, 2007

Ruminations Video

Mother-of-the-Bride

Jennifer's wedding day was fast approaching. Nothing could dampen her excitement -- not even her parent's nasty divorce.

Her mother had found the PERFECT dress to wear and would be the best dressed mother- of-the-bride ever!

A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father's new young wife had bought the exact same dress! Jennifer asked her to exchange it, but she refused. "Absolutely not, I look like a million bucks in this dress, and I'm wearing it," she replied.

Jennifer told her mother who graciously said, "Never mind sweetheart. I'll get another dress. After all, it's your special day." A few days later, they went shopping and did find another gorgeous dress.

When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother, "Aren't you going to return the other dress? You really don't have another occasion where you could wear it.

Her mother just smiled and replied, "Of course I do, dear. I'm wearing it to the rehearsal dinner the night before the wedding."

Saturday, October 06, 2007

This is what Sad looks like...


This is what Sad looks like.

This is what Sorry looks like.

Privacy Please.

This is what Forgetful looks like.

Mmmm, Toasty...

What was that? A little louder please!

I don't think I can hold it that long...

I can fit under there. Crunch!!!

Ow! My head!!

Sotp! In the Name of Loev!!

The Lights are on, but Nobody's home...

Everyone of Nearsighted in this town...

Ummm... Yeah, this one doesn't really need a caption...

Monday, October 01, 2007

We Didn't Start the Fire

Whether you are a Billy Joel fan or not, you probably remember his great song "We Didn't Start the Fire." Here it is, set to pictures--- someone had the patience to give us a quick history lesson

Turn up volume, sit back and enjoy a review of 50 years of history in less than 3 minutes!

Thanks to Billy Joel and some guy from the University of Chicago with too much time to Google!

The Video

Sunday, September 30, 2007

Davy at Alamo

On that fateful day, March 6, 1836, Davy Crockett woke up and walked
from his bunk on the floor of the Alamo up to the observation post on
the West wall.

William B. Travis and Jim Bowie were there already.

The three gazed at the hordes of Mexicans moving steadily towards them.

Davy turned to Bowie with a puzzled look on his face and said,

"Jim, are we having some landscaping done today?"

Tuesday, September 25, 2007

Gulls Gone Wild


A seagull in Scotland has developed the habit of stealing chips from a neighborhood shop.

The seagull waits until the shopkeeper isn't looking, and then walks into the store and grabs a snack-size bag of cheese Doritos.

Once outside, the bag gets ripped open and shared by other birds.

The seagull's shoplifting started early this month when he first swooped into the store in Aberdeen, Scotland, and helped himself to a bag of chips. Since then, he's become a regular. He always takes the same type of chips.

Customers have begun paying for the seagull's stolen bags of chips because they think it's so funny.

Look how much faster the bird walks faster on his way out!

Irish Priest

An Irish man went to confession in St. Patrick's Catholic Church.

'Father,' he confessed, 'It has been one month since my last confession. I had sex with Nookie Green twice last month.' The priest told the sinner, 'You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's.'

Soon thereafter, another Irish man entered the confessional. 'Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I've had sex with Nookie Green twice a week for the last two months.' This time, the priest questioned, 'Who is this Nookie Green?'

'A new woman in the neighborhood,' the sinner replied. 'Very well,' sighed the priest. 'Go and say ten Hail Mary's.'

At mass the next morning, as the priest prepared to deliver the sermon, a tall, voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous redheaded woman entered the sanctuary. The eyes of every man in the church fell upon her as she slowly sashayed up the aisle and sat down right in front of the priest. Her dress was green and very short, and she wore matching, shiny emerald-green shoes. The priest and the altar boy gasped as the woman in the green dress and matching green shoes sat with her legs spread slightly apart.

The priest turned to the altar boy and whispered, 'Is that Nookie Green?'

The bug-eyed altar boy couldn't believe his ears but managed to calmly reply, 'No Father, I think it's just the reflection off her shoes.'

Saturday, September 22, 2007

Fireman Sex

A Fireman came home from work one day and told his wife, "You know, we
have a wonderful system at the fire station:

BELL 1 rings, and we all put on our jackets.
BELL 2 rings, and we all slide down the pole.
BELL 3 rings, and we're on the fire truck ready to go.

"From now on when I say 'BELL 1', I want you to strip naked. When I
say 'BELL 2', I want you to jump in bed. And when I say 'BELL 3', we
are going to have sex all night."

The next night he came home from work and yelled "BELL 1!"

The wife promptly took all her clothes off.
When he yelled "BELL 2!", the wife jumped into bed.
When he yelled "BELL 3!", they began making love.

After a few minutes the wife yelled "BELL 4!"

"What the hell is BELL 4?" asked the husband?

"ROLL OUT MORE HOSE," she replied, "YOU'RE NOWHERE NEAR THE FIRE."

Tuesday, September 18, 2007

Sunday, September 16, 2007

The Elderly

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100% . The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."
The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"

______________________________________________________________


Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: "Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?"
Slim says, "I feel just like a newborn baby."
"Really? Like a new born baby?"
"Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants."

______________________________________________________________

Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. "Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?" he asks.
"Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"
"Sure."
"Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" she asks.
"No, I can remember it." "Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so's not to forget it?"
He says, "I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."
"I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?" she asks.
Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!" Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment.
"Where's my toast?"

______________________________________________________________

A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
"So I hear you're getting married?"
"Yep!"
"Do I know her?"
"Nope!"
"This woman, is she good looking?"
"Not really."
"Is she a good cook?"
"Naw, she can't cook too well."
"Does she have lots of money?"
"Nope! Poor as a church mouse."
"Well, then, is she good in bed?"
"I don't know."
"Why in the world do you want to marry her then?"
"Because she can still drive!"

______________________________________________________________

Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, "Windy, isn't it?"
Second one says, "No, it's Thursday!"
Third one says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer."

______________________________________________________________

A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect." "Really," answered the neighbor . "What kind is it?"
"Twelve thirty."

______________________________________________________________

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"
Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'"
The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful."

______________________________________________________________

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split. The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?" "No," he replied, "Arthritis."

Friday, September 14, 2007

3900 Saturdays

The older I get, the more I enjoy Saturday mornings. Perhaps it's the quiet solitude that comes with being the first to rise, or maybe it's the unbounded joy of not having to be at work. Either way, the first few hours of a Saturday morning are most enjoyable.

A few weeks ago, I was shuffling toward the garage with a steaming cup of coffee in one hand and the morning paper in the other. What began as a typical Saturday morning turned into one of those lessons that life seems to hand you from time to time. Let me tell you about it:

I turned the dial up into the phone portion of the band on my ham radio in order to listen to a Saturday morning swap net. Along the way, I came across an older sounding chap, with a tremendous signal and a golden voice. You know the kind; he sounded like he should be in the broadcasting business He was telling whom-ever he was talking with something about "a thousand marbles." I was intrigued and stopped to listen to what he had to say

"Well, Tom, it sure sounds like you're busy with your job. I'm sure they pay you well but it's a shame you have to be away from home and your family so much. Hard to believe a young fellow should have to work sixty or seventy hours a week to make ends meet. It's too bad you missed your daughter's "dance recital " he continued. "Let me tell you something that has helped me keep my own priorities." And that's when he began to explain his theory of a "thousand marbles."

"You see, I sat down one day and did a little arithmetic. The average person lives about seventy-five years. I know, some live more and some live less, but on average, folks live about seventy-five years.

"Now then, I multiplied 75 times 52 and I came up with 3900, which is the number of Saturdays that the average person has in their entire lifetime. Now, stick with me, Tom, I'm getting to the important part.

It took me until I was fifty-five years old to think about all this in any detail", he went on, "and by that time I had lived through over twenty-eight hundred Saturdays." "I got to thinking that if I lived to be seventy-five, I only had about a thousand of them left to enjoy. So I went to a toy store and bought every single marble they had. I ended up having to visit three toy stores to round up 1000 marbles. I took them home and put them inside a large, clear plastic container right here in the shack next to my gear."

"Every Saturday since then, I have taken one marble out and thrown it away. I found that by watching the marbles diminish, I focused more on the really important things in life.


There is nothing like watching your time here on this earth run out to help get your priorities straight."


"Now let me tell you one last thing before I sign-off with you and take my lovely wife out for breakfast. This morning, I took the very last marble out of the container. I figure that if I make it until next Saturday then I have been given a little extra time. And the one thing we can all use is a little more time."


"It was nice to meet you Tom, I hope you spend more time with your family, and I hope to meet you again here on the band. This is a 75 Year old Man, K9NZQ, clear and going QRT, good morning!"

You could have heard a pin drop on the band when this fellow signed off. I guess he gave us all a lot to think about. I had planned to work on the antenna that morning, and then I was going to meet up with a few hams to work on the next club newsletter.

Instead, I went upstairs and woke my wife up with a kiss. "C'mon honey, I'm taking you and the kids to breakfast." "What brought this on?" she asked with a smile. "Oh, nothing special, it's just been a long time since we spent a Saturday together with the kids. And hey, can we stop at a toy store while we're out? I need to buy some marbles.

And so, as one smart bear once said...

"If you live to be a hundred, I want to live to be a hundred minus one day, so I never have to live without you."
- Winnie the Pooh.

Thursday, September 13, 2007

Are You Serious?








Old Ads





Hunting Flies

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter

"What are you doing?" She asked.

"Hunting Flies," He responded.

"Oh. ! Killing any?" She asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked, "How can you tell them apart?"

He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."

Saturday, September 08, 2007

Little Zachary

Little Zachary was doing very badly in math. His parents had tried everything... Tutors, Mentors, flash cards, Special learning centers. In short, everything they could think of to help his math.

Finally, in a last ditch effort, they took Zachary down and enrolled him in the local Catholic school. After the first day, little Zachary came home with a very serious look on his face. He didn't even kiss his mother Hello. Instead, he went straight to his room and started studying. Books and papers were spread out all over the room and little Zachary was hard at work. His mother was amazed. She called him down to dinner.

To her shock, the minute he was done, he marched back to his room without a word, and in no time, he was back hitting the books as hard as before. This went on for some time, day after day, while the mother tried to understand what made all the difference.

Finally, little Zachary brought home his report card. He quietly laid it on the table, went up to his room and hit the books. With great trepidation, his Mom looked at it and to her great surprise, little Zachary got an "A" in math. She could no longer hold her curiosity.

She went to his room and said, "Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?"

Little Zachary looked at her and shook his head, no.

"Well, then," she replied, "Was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms?"

To each, Zachary shook his head no.

"WHAT WAS IT ALREADY?"

Little Zachary looked at her and said, "Well, on the first day of school when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around."

Thursday, September 06, 2007

Strictly mathmatical

From a strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes like this:

What Makes 100%?

What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?

Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?

We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.

How about achieving 103%?

What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R- K is
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

and

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E is
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E is
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T is
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far Ass Kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that, while Hard Work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the Bullshit and Ass Kissing that will put you over the top.

Wednesday, September 05, 2007

Making a Baby

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogatefather to start their family.

On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr.Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.

"Good morning, Ma'am",he said, "I've come to...."

"Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've been expecting you."

"Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?"

"Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat".

After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"

"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch,and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there."

"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!"

"Well, Ma'am,none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."

"My,that's a lot!", gasped Mrs. Smith.

"Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that."

"Don't I know it," said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus," he said.

"Oh, my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

"And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."

"She was difficult?" askedMrs. Smith.

"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look"

"Four and five deep?" said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

"Yes", the photographer replied. "And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in."

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?"

"It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod and we can get to work right away."

"Tripod?"

"Oh yes, Ma'am. Ineed to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long."

Mrs. Smith fainted.

Saturday, August 18, 2007

The Greeter

A very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into Wal-Mart with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

The Wal-Mart Greeter said pleasantly "Good morning, and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?"

The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, "Hell no they ain't twins. The oldest one's 9 and the other one's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?"

"I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am," replied the greeter. "I just couldn't believe someone made love to you twice."

"Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart."

Wednesday, August 15, 2007

Dolly Parton vs. Queen Elizabeth

Dolly Parton and Queen Elizabeth die on the same day and they both go before an Angel to find out if they'll be admitted to Heaven.

Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so the Angel must decide which of them gets in. The Angel asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to Heaven.

Dolly takes off her top and says, "Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created, and I'm sure it will please the angels to be able to see them every day, for eternity."

The Angel thanks Dolly, and asks Her Majesty the same question.

The Queen takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, shakes it up, and gargles. Then, she spits into a toilet and pulls the lever.

The Angel says, "OK, your Majesty, you may go in."

Dolly is outraged and asks, "What was that all about? I show you two of God's own perfect creations and you turn me down. She spits into a commode and she gets in! Would you explain that to me?"

"Sorry, Dolly," says the Angel, "but even in Heaven, a royal flush beats a pair no matter how big they are!"

Tuesday, August 14, 2007

Over 50

Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause?
Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement. When you are done you will have a place to live.

Q: How can you increase the heart rate of a 50+ year old husband?
Tell him you're pregnant.

Q: How can you avoid spotting a wrinkle every time you walk by a mirror?
The next time you're in front of a mirror, take off your glasses.

Q: Why should 50+ year old people use valet parking?
Valets don't forget where they park your car.

Q: Is it common for 50+ year olds to have problems with short term memory storage?
Storing memory is not a problem, retrieving it is a problem.

Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?
Yes, but usually in the afternoon.

Q: Where do 50+ year olds look for fashionable glasses?
Their foreheads.

Q: What is the most common remark made by 50+ year olds when they enter antique stores?
"I remember these"



(In honor of my mother.)

Monday, August 13, 2007

An Ode to Plurals

We’ll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes,
But the plural of ox becomes oxen, not oxes.
One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese,
Yet the plural of moose should never be meese.
You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice,
Yet the plural of house is houses, not hice.

If the plural of man is always called men,
Why shouldn't the plural of pan be called pen?
If I speak of my foot and show you my feet,
And I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet?
If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth,
Why shouldn't the plural of booth be called beeth?

Then one may be that, and three would be those,
Yet hat in the plural would never be hose,
And the plural of cat is cats, not cose.
We speak of a brother and also of brethren,
But though we say mother, we never say methren.
Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him,
But imagine the feminine: she, shis and shim!

Let's face it - English is a crazy language.
There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger;
neither apple nor pine in pineapple.
English muffins weren’t invented in England.
We take English for granted, but if we explore its paradoxes,
we find that quicksand can work slowly,
boxing rings are square, and
a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write
but fingers don't fing,
grocers don't groce and
hammers don't ham?
Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend.
If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught,
why didn't preachers praught?
If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
Sometimes I think all the folks who grew up speaking English
should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane.

In what other language do people recite at a play and play at a recital?
We ship by truck but send cargo by ship.
We have noses that run and feet that smell.
We park in a driveway and drive in a parkway.
And how can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same,
while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language
in which your house can burn up as it burns down,
in which you fill in a form by filling it out,
and in which an alarm goes off by going on.

And, in closing, if Father is Pop, how come Mother's not Mop?

French Terror Alerts

Also, the French government announced that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.
French firearms for sale. Never shot - dropped only once.

Sunday, August 12, 2007

The Priest & the Hairdrier

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the Priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"

"Of course. What may I do for you?"

"Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?"

"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie."

"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"

"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"

"I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."

Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father."

Staff Meeting

The boss of a Madison Avenue advertising agency called a spontaneous staff meeting in the middle of a particularly stressful week. (This is one pretty sharp boss!) When everyone gathered, the boss, who understood the benefits of having fun, told the burnt-out staff the purpose of the meeting was to have a quick contest.

The theme: Viagra advertising slogans.

The only rule was they had to use past ad slogans, originally written for other products, that captured the essence of Viagra.

Slight variations were acceptable.

About 7 minutes later, they turned in their suggestions and created a 'Top 10 List'. With all the laughter and camaraderie, the rest of the week went very well for everyone!

The top 10 were:

  1. Viagra, Whaazzzz up!
  2. Viagra, the quicker pecker picker upper.
  3. Viagra, like a rock!
  4. Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to be there overnight.
  5. Viagra, Be all that you can be.
  6. Viagra, Reach out and touch someone.
  7. Viagra, Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.
  8. Viagra, Home of the whopper!
  9. Viagra, We bring good things to Life!
    And the unanimous number one slogan:
  10. This is your pee pee. This is your pee pee on drugs.

Thursday, August 09, 2007

A Nun's Vows

Four novice nuns were about to take their vows. Dressed in their white gowns, they came into the chapel with the Mother Superior, and were about to undergo the ceremony to marry them to Jesus, making them Brides of Christ.

Just as the ceremony was about to begin, four Hasidic Jews with yarmulkes, long sideburns and long beards came in and sat in the front row.

The Mother Superior said to them, "I am honored that you would want to share this experience with us, but do you mind if I ask you why you came?"

One of the Hasidic Jews replied, "We're from the groom's family."

Crazy Doctor

Monday, August 06, 2007

After the Apple

In the beginning, God created the Heavens and the Earth and populated the Earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow and red vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

Then using God's great gifts, Satan created Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream and Krispy Creme Donuts. And Satan said, "You want chocolate with that?"

And Man said, "Yes!" and Woman said, "and as long as you're at it, add some sprinkles." And they gained 10 pounds And Satan smiled.

And God created the healthful yogurt that Woman might keep the figure that Man found so fair. And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat, and sugar from the cane and combined them. And Woman went from size 6 to size 14.

So God said, "Try my fresh green salad." And Satan presented Thousand-Island Dressing, buttery croutons and garlic toast on the side.

And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.

God then said, "I have sent you heart- healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them." And Satan brought forth deep fried fish and chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter And Man gained more weight and his cholesterol went through the roof.

God then created a light, fluffy white cake, named it "Angel Food Cake," and said, "It is good." Satan then created chocolate cake and named it "Devil's Food."

God then brought forth running shoes so that His children might lose those extra pounds. And Satan gave cable TV with a remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering blue light and gained pounds.

Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition. And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center in to chips and deep-fried them. And Man gained pounds.

God then gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite. And Satan created McDonald's and its 99-cent double cheeseburger. Then said, "You want fries with that?" And Man replied, "Yes! And super size them!" And Satan said, "It is good." And Man went into cardiac arrest.

God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.

Then Satan created HMOs...

Balancing Act

Wednesday, August 01, 2007

Ruminations #116

(for those of you who wonder what living in Los Angeles is like...)

RUMINATIONS
Aaron Karo’s world-famous email column

________________________________________________________________________

1997
"Celebrating ten years of writing what you’re thinking!"
2007
________________________________________________________________________

Issue #116 – "Manifest Destiny’s Child" – July 30th, 2007

Circulation: Over 50,000 subscribers worldwide

Subscribe or Read More @ www.AaronKaro.com
________________________________________________________________________


-One of the oldest running jokes in Los Angeles is that no one is actually born here, they’ve just moved here from someplace else. That’s why at parties, when asked how long they’ve lived in LA, people will often tell you their exact anniversary – like they’re an alcoholic telling you how long they’ve been sober. For instance, having left New York on July 31st, 2005, tomorrow marks two years since I arrived in California. The second-oldest running joke in LA is that people come out here only intending to stay temporarily, and then never leave. Considering my original lease was a five-month sublet, I can’t argue with that one either. Having long since resigned to the fact that my foreseeable future will be spent on the West Coast, I’ve tried my best to adapt. Like our forefathers, who believed that America was destined to reach the Pacific Ocean, I too have come here to follow my dreams. Though of course, back then, no one could have imagined that Manifest Destiny would eventually spawn the whacked-out freak show known as Los Angeles that I call home today.

-Whenever a celebrity enters a bar in LA, the paparazzi set up camp outside. Then, when you walk out of the bar wasted at 2am, they’ll look you up and down to figure out if you’re famous or not, before letting you pass. They might even snap a picture or two just in case. If you really want to fuck with them, you can walk out with your hands covering your face, which makes them take pictures like crazy. And there’s nothing like seeing a photographer’s disappointment when he realizes you’re merely just a regular, upstanding, underwear-wearing citizen.

-Before I moved here, I checked weather.com to get an idea of what the weather would be like. I didn’t know what any of the local zip codes were, so I simply entered 90210. Only later did I feel stupid. Not because my knowledge of LA was limited to a cheesy ‘90s television show, but because it turns out the weather here never varies more than five degrees.

-The most striking difference between New York and LA is that New York is so much more egalitarian. Everyone takes public transportation in New York. In LA, there’s a bus and subway system that half the people (myself included) have never used. Merely waiting at a bus stop in LA reveals much about your socioeconomic status. I hate that. New Yorkers never really know exactly how much one another makes, but rather assume it based on preconceived notions and rash judgment – you know, like normal people.

-You know those absurdly hot chicks that walk around in every scene of Entourage? It’s not too much of a stretch. I’ve been in fairly low-key bars in LA and still had trouble keeping track of how many “tens” were in the room. I’m not saying I hook up with them, or even talk to them, but I’m strangely comforted by the fact that at least someone is.

-By far the most frequently asked question I get from friends and fans is: “How is LA?” But the emphasis is always on the word “is” – “How IS LA?” – as if I moved to Mars. No one asks, “How IS Chicago?” or “How IS Boston?” Why are we subjected to such scrutiny? I think it’s because people are fascinated by Hollywood. But in truth, the city of Hollywood is only a small segment of Los Angeles (and, ironically, one of the seedier parts at that). Most people in LA don’t even work in the entertainment industry. Of course, I don’t know any of those people, but I’m sure it’s true. That’s why, from now on, when people ask me, “How IS LA?”, instead of racking my brain for an appropriate response, I’ll merely tell the them truth: 85 degrees and sunny. Every fucking day.

-As always, here are some random things I've been ruminating about lately…

-It still bugs me out that there are a lot of “open-air” buildings in LA. Like if you walk out of the elevator in my apartment building, you end up outside. And my hallway has no door or anything; it just leads to a courtyard where there’s a gourmet pool and Jacuzzi. Pool-worthy days a year in LA? 300. Times I’ve actually swam? One. Seeing hot chicks sunbathing on my way to the mailbox? Priceless.

-LA is dominated by graduates from colleges that feed the entertainment industry, namely Harvard, Syracuse, Northwestern, USC, and UCLA. This is a marked difference from New York, which I found to be filled with alums from Michigan, Wisconsin, Indiana, Cornell, and Penn. Luckily, however, we’re all brought together by the common language of Flip Cup.

-Despite the unapproachable but Entourage-worthy chicks that abound, one area that LA is severely lacking in is nightlife. Sure there are cool bars, but there’s much fewer of them, they’re much farther away from each other, and they’re much harder to get into than any other city I’ve partied in. Plus they’re either dives or really upscale – there’s nothing in between. Getting laid is supposed to be hard work; getting drunk is not.

-People tell me all the time that they love LA because the “quality of life” is better than on the East Coast. But how is having to get in your car to go to the ATM better? How is waiting 90 minutes for your food to be delivered better? How is spending half your day searching for parking better? To me, quality of life means instant gratification and not having to deal with people who use the word “stoked.”

-In New York, if you run into someone in the street who you don’t want to talk to, all you have to do is say that you’re hurrying back to your apartment to use the bathroom. In LA, if someone calls who you don’t want to talk to, all you have to do is say that you’re gonna lose them because you’re about to drive into an underground parking structure.

-And, finally, a cursory glance at my life would seem to reveal that I’m not only living in the state of California, but a state of denial as well. After all, I still have a New York State driver’s license, still subscribe to New York Magazine, still have a New York cell phone number, and still see my dentist in New York every six months. I have a clock set to New York time in my home office, the only Lakers games I’ve ever been to have been against the Knicks, and despite my open-air apartment building and pool, I’m still pale as fuck. But despite all that, my current career path in comedy necessitates that I live in Los Angeles, and I’ve been doing my best to integrate. I’ve made some great new friends out here and reconnected with old ones. I’ve learned my way around the city pretty well (thank you, Google Maps!). I have a doctor and a broker here, bought a pair of Chuck Taylors, and even have a landline with a local area code. And, OK, I’ll admit, I occasionally say “stoked.” I guess I just eventually realized that living in Los Angeles doesn’t change the fact that I’m originally from New York, and never will. So, I’m not there yet, but hopefully one day I’ll learn to love LA. After all, when the paparazzi mistake me for someone else and snap my picture – there’s no reason I shouldn’t be smiling. Fuck me.

Tuesday, July 31, 2007

Painting Nuns

Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even one drop of paint on their habits.

After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude.

In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door.

"Who is it?" calls one of the nuns.

"Blind man," replies a voice from the other side of the door. The two nuns look at each other and shrug, and deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door.

"Nice boobs," says the man, "where do you want the blinds?"

Monday, July 30, 2007

Harold the Computer guy

I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Harold the computer guy, to come over. Harold clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem. He gave me a bill for a minimum service call. As he was walking away, I called after him, "So, what was wrong?"

He replied, "It was an ID ten T error."

I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, "An, ID ten T error? What's that... in case I need to fix it again?"

Harold grinned.... "Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?"

"No," I replied.

"Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out."

So I wrote it down...

I D 1 0 T

I used to like Harold.

Sunday, July 15, 2007

Global Warming

Tick



Train



http://www.fightglobalwarming.com/

Punny Lookin'

  • I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
  • Police were called to a daycare where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
  • Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
  • The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
  • To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
  • When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate.
  • The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
  • A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
  • A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement. He became a hardened criminal.
  • Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking.
  • We'll never run out of math teachers because they always multiply.
  • When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, UCLA.
  • The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He did a number on it.
  • The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.
  • The dead batteries were given out free of charge.
  • If you take a laptop computer for a run, you could jog your memory.
  • A dentist and a manicurists fought tooth and nail.
  • What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway.)
  • A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two-tired.
  • Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
  • A backward poet writes inverse.
  • In a democracy, it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.
  • A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.
  • If you don't pay your exorcist, you can get repossessed.
  • With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
  • Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.
  • When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
  • The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.
  • A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France, resulting in Linoleum Blownapart.
  • You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
  • He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
  • A calendar's days are numbered.
  • A lot of money is tainted: 'taint yours and 'taint mine.
  • A boiled egg is hard to beat.
  • He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
  • A plateau is a high form of flattery.
  • Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
  • When you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.
  • When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.
  • Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.
  • Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
  • Acupuncture: a jab well done.

Think about it....

  • I planted some birdseed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.
  • I had amnesia once -- or twice.
  • I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart. Now what?
  • Did you know protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.
  • All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.
  • If the world was a logical place, men would be the ones who ride horses sidesaddle.
  • What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?
  • They told me I was gullible... and I believed them.
  • Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he grows up, he'll never be able to merge his car onto the freeway.
  • Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.
  • One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
  • My weight is perfect for my height -- which varies.
  • I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
  • The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.
  • How can there be self-help "groups"?
  • If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?
  • Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I'll show you a Man who can't get his pants off.
  • Is it my imagination, or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?

The Landlord

The Landlord

Will Ferrell's landlady is crazy! Pearl is such a drunkard!!!

Wednesday, July 11, 2007

Corvette

A Florida senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.

"Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-75, pushing the pedal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a state trooper behind him, blue Lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph...then 110... Then 120. Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this," and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival.

Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

The old gentleman paused, then said, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."

"Have a good day, sir." replied the trooper.

Sunday, July 08, 2007

Foster Brooks

Marketing

The buzz word in today's business world is MARKETING. However, people often ask for a simple explanation of "Marketing."

OK, here it is:

  1. You're a woman and you see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and say, "I'm fantastic in bed."
    • That's Direct Marketing.
  2. You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a handsome guy. One of your friends goes up to him and, pointing at you, says, "She's fantastic in bed."
    • That's Advertising.
  3. You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and get his telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in
    bed."
    • That's Telemarketing.
  4. You see a guy at a party; you straighten your dress. You walk up to him and pour him a drink. You say, "May I?" and reach up to straighten his tie, brushing your breast lightly against his arm, and then say, "By the way,I'm fantastic in bed."
    • That's Public Relations.
  5. You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He walks up to you and says, "I hear you're fantastic in bed."
    • That's Brand Recognition.
  6. You're at a party and see a handsome guy. You talk him into going home with your friend.
    • That's a Sales Rep.
  7. He isn't happy with your friend so he calls you.
    • That's Tech Support.
  8. You're on your way to a party when you realize that there could be handsome men in all these houses you're passing, so you climb onto the
    roof of one situated towards the center and shout at the top of your
    lungs,"I'm fantastic in bed!"
    • That's Junk Mail.
  9. You are at a party; this well-built man walks up to you and grabs your ass.
    • That's the Governor of California.
  10. You like it, but twenty years later your attorney decides you were offended.
    • That's America.

The Most Interesting Man in the World







The Easter Bunny Hates You

Things You learn in Southern Illinois

  • Possums sleep in the middle of the road with their feet in the air.
  • There are 5,000 types of snakes on earth and 4,998 live in Southern Illinois.
  • There are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 live in Southern Illinois plus a couple no one's seen before.
  • If it grows, it sticks; if it crawls, it bites.
  • Onced and Twiced are words.
  • It is not a shopping cart; it is a buggy.
  • Houses have "Winders" and "Windas", never has a window been seen South of I-70.
  • People actually grow and eat okra.
  • "Fixinto" is one word.
  • There is no such thing as "lunch." There is only dinner and then there is supper.
  • Iced tea is appropriate for all meals and you start drinking it when you're two.
  • Backwards and forwards means "I know everything about you."
  • DJeet? Is actually a phrase meaning, "Did you eat?"
  • You don't have to wear a watch because it doesn't matter what time it is. You work until you're done or it's too dark to see.
  • You don't PUSH buttons, you MASH them.
  • You know the distance between stops on "The Wine Trail".
  • You measure distance in minutes.
  • You've had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day.
  • You know who/which store has the best deal on cases of Natural Light beer.
  • "Fix" is a verb. Example: "I'm fixing to go to the store."
  • All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable, grain, insect or animal.
  • You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked.
  • You know what a "DAWG" is.
  • You carry jumper cables in your car . . . for your OWN car.
  • There are only four spices: salt, pepper, Tabasco and ketchup.
  • The local papers cover national and international news on one page, but require 6 pages for local gossip and sports.
  • The first day of deer season is a national holiday.
  • 100 degrees Fahrenheit "a little warm." We have four seasons: Almost Summer, Summer, still Summer and Christmas.
  • Going to Wal-mart is a favorite past time known as "goin' Wal-martin" or off to "Wally World."
  • A cool snap (below 70 degrees) is good pinto-bean weather.
  • Fried catfish is the other white meat.
  • We don't need no stinking driver's ed, if our mama says we can drive, we can drive.
  • You know how to WARSH your clothing, but laundry is beyond you.



EVERYONE can't be a Southern Illinoisan; it takes talent. You might say it's an art form or a gift from God!

Computers (by Dr. Seuss)

If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,
and the bus is interrupted at a very last resort,
and the access of the memory makes your floppy disk abort,
then the socket packet pocket has an error to report.

If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash,
and the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash,
and your data is corrupted cause the index doesn't hash,
then your situation's hopeless and your system's gonna crash!

If the label on the cable on the table at your house,
says the network is connected to the button on your mouse,
but your packets want to tunnel to another protocol,
that's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall......

And your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss,
so your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse,
then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang,
'cuz sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang.

When the copy on your floppy's getting sloppy in the disk,
and the macro code instructions is causing unnecessary risk,
then you'll have to flash the memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM,
and then quickly turn off the computer and be sure to tell your Mom!

Out of Gas

A man was driving down the road and ran out of gas. Just at that moment, a bee flew in his window.

The bee said, "What seems to be the problem?"

"I'm out of gas," the man replied.

The bee told the man to wait right there and flew away. Minutes later, the man watched as an entire swarm of bees flew to his car and into his gas tank. After a few minutes, the bees flew out.

"Try it now," said one bee.

The man turned the ignition key and the car started right up.

"Wow!" the man exclaimed, "what did you put in my gas tank"?

The bee answered,

Monday, July 02, 2007

Sex Bomb



All I can say is, Oh, dear lord...

Tabletop Technology

Dear Dad,

Dear Dad:

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with mom and you. I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice. But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercings, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it's not only the passion...Dad she's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy. In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it.

Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren.

Love,
Your Son John


PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the report card that's in my center desk drawer.

I love you. Call me when it's safe to come home.

Hugh Hefner

"Universal Pictures announced they plan to make a movie about the life of Hugh Hefner. I don’t want to say that Hugh Hefner is getting old, but do you know who is playing the young Hugh Hefner? Peter O’Toole."
-Leno

Monday, June 25, 2007

Pixelator


Pixelator

Water or Coke?

Water

  • 75% of Americans are chronically dehydrated. (Likely applies to half the world population.)
  • In 37% of Americans, the thirst mechanism is so weak that it is mistaken for hunger.
  • Even MILD dehydration will slow down one's metabolism as 3%.
  • One glass of water will shut down midnight hunger pangs for almost 100% of the dieters studied in a University of Washington study.
  • Lack of water, the #1 trigger of daytime fatigue.
  • Preliminary research indicates that 8-10 glasses of water a day could significantly ease back and joint pain for up to 80% of sufferers.
  • A mere 2% drop in body water can trigger fuzzy short-term memory, trouble with basic math, and difficulty focusing on the computer screen or on a printed page.
  • Drinking 5 glasses of water daily decreases the risk of colon cancer by 45%, plus it can slash the risk of breast cancer by 79%, and one is 50% less likely to develop bladder cancer.
Are you drinking the amount of water you should drink every day?


Coke

  • In many states the highway patrol carries two gallons of Coke in the trunk to remove blood from the highway after a car accident.
  • You can put a T-bone steak in a bowl of Coke and it will be gone in two days.
  • To clean a toilet: Pour a can of Coca-Cola into the toilet bowl and let the "real thing" sit for one hour, then flush clean. The citric acid in Coke removes stains from vitreous china.
  • To remove rust spots from chrome car bumpers: Rub the bumper with a rumpled-up piece of Reynolds Wrap aluminum foil dipped in Coca-Cola.
  • To clean corrosion from car battery terminals: Pour a can of Coca-Cola over the terminals to bubble away the corrosion.
  • To loosen a rusted bolt: Apply a cloth soaked in Coca-Cola to the rusted bolt for several minutes.
  • To bake a moist ham: Empty a can of Coca-Cola into the baking pan, wrap the ham in aluminum foil, and bake. Thirty minutes before ham is finished, remove the foil, allowing the drippings to mix with the Coke for a sumptuous brown gravy.
  • To remove grease from clothes: Empty a can of Coke into the load of greasy clothes, add detergent, and run through a regular cycle. The Coca-Cola will help loosen grease stains. It will also clean road haze from your windshield.



For Your Information

  • The active ingredient in Coke is phosphoric acid. It will dissolve a nail in about four days. Phosphoric acid also leaches calcium from bones and is a major contributor to the rising increase of osteoporosis.
  • To carry Coca-Cola syrup (the concentrate) the commercial trucks must use a hazardous Material place
    cards reserved for highly corrosive materials.
  • The distributors of Coke have been using it to clean engines of the trucks for about 20 years!



Now the question is, would you like a glass of water? or Coke?