Saturday, February 11, 2006

Did you ever wonder?

  1. Can you cry under water?
  2. How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
  3. If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?
  4. Since bread is square, why is sandwich meat round?
  5. Why do you have to "put your two cents in" but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going?
  6. Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?
  7. Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
  8. What disease did cured ham actually have?
  9. How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
  10. Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?
  11. If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
  12. If you drink Pepsi at work in the Coke factory, will they fire you?
  13. Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?
  14. Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
  15. How come we choose from just two people for President and fifty for Miss America???
  16. Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.
  17. If a 911 operator has a heart attack, whom does he/she call?
  18. Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?
  19. Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
  20. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out!"
  21. Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
  22. Why is there a light in the fridge and not in t! he freezer?
  23. When your photo is taken for your driver 's license, why do they tell you to smile? If you are stopped by the police and asked for your license, are you going to be smiling?
  24. If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?
  25. Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?
  26. If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
  27. Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
  28. Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
  29. What do you call male ballerinas?
  30. Can blind people see their dreams? Do they dream?
  31. If Wyle E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?
  32. If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?
  33. If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
  34. Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?
  35. Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
  36. Why did you just try singing the two songs above?
  37. Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's inside your butt?
  38. Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride; he sticks his head out the window?

Friday, February 10, 2006

Southern Grandmas

Lawyers should never ask a Southern grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand.

He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"

She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."

The defense attorney almost died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench, and in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you bastards asks her if she knows me. I'll throw your sorry asses in jail for contempt."

Why Sex Ed should be taught in Catholic Schools

Mother Superior called all the Nuns together one evening and said to them: "I must tell you all something. We have a case of Gonorrhea in the convent."

"Thank God," said an elderly Nun at the back. "I'm so sick of Chardonnay"

Bite Me...

Tuesday, February 07, 2006

Hair Removal Should Never be this Painful

You'll need a Kleenex to wipe your eyes from laughing...

All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of easy, painless removal - The Epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now...the wax.

My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner, play with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next few hours: "Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out of the medicine cabinet."

So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom. It was one of those "cold wax" kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm and you peel them apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull the hair right off. No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean, I'm not a genius, but I am mechanically inclined enough to figure this out. (YA THINK!?!)

So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each other stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in so I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. ("Cold wax," yeah...right!) I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it tight and pull. It works!

OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do this! Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am She-rah, fighter of all wayward body hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire.

With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on the kids, I sneak back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting championship. I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet. Using the same procedure, I apply the was strip across the right side of my bikini line, covering the right half of my *%&#@ and stretching down to the inside of my butt cheek (it was a long strip) I inhale deeply and brace myself....RRRRIIIPPP!!!!

I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!....OH MY GAWD!!!!!!!!!

Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half the strip. CRAP! Another deep breath and RIPP! Everything is spinning and spotted. I think I may pass out...must stay conscious...must stay conscious. Do I hear crashing drums??? Breathe, breathe...OK, back to normal.

I want to see my trophy - a wax covered strip, the one that has caused me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip!

There's no hair on it.

Where is the hair??? WHERE IS THE WAX??? Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see the hair. The hair that should be on the's not! I touch. I am touching wax. I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now covered in cold wax and matted hair. Then I make the next BIG mistake...remember my foot is still propped up on the toilet? I know I need to do something. So I put my foot down. *%&#@! I hear the slamming of a cell door. $&%#$! Sealed shut! My butt is sealed shut...

Sealed shut!

I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and think to myself "Please don't let me get the urge to poop. My head may pop off!" What can I do to melt the wax?

Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!! I'll run the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax-covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off, right???


I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than that used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit. Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued together, is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub... in scalding hot water. Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax. So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cement-epoxied myself to the porcelain!! God bless the man who had convinced me a few months ago to have a phone put in the bathroom!!!!!

I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some secret of how to get me undone. It's a very good conversation starter - "So, my butt and who-ha are glued together to the bottom of the tub!"

There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret tricks for removal but she does try to hide her laughter from me. She wants to know exactly where the wax is located, "Are we talking cheeks or hole or hoo-ha?"

She's laughing out loud by now...I can hear her. I give her the rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box.

YEAH!!!!! Right!! I should be the joke of someone else's night. While we go through various solutions. I resort to scraping the wax off with a razor . Nothing feels better then to have your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then dry-shaving the sticky wax off!! By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I'm pretty sure I'm going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this event.

My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving grace....the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax.

What do I really have to lose at this point? I rub some on and OH MY GOD!!!!!!! The scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens out of my friend. It's sooo painful, but I really don't care. "IT WORKS!! It works !!" I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up.

I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my grief and despair....THE HAIR IS STILL THERE.......ALL OF IT!

So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now. Nothing hurts. I could have amputated my own leg at this point.

Next week I'm going to try hair color......

State Mottos

Alabama - Hell Yes, We Have Electricity.
Alaska - 11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong!
Arizona - But It's A Dry Heat.
Arkansas - Literacy Ain't Everything.
California - By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda.
Colorado - If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother.
Connecticut - Like Massachusetts, Only The Kennedy's Don't Own It Yet.
Delaware - We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water.
Florida - Ask Us About Our Grandkids.
Georgia - We Put The Fun In Fundamentalist Extremism.
Hawaii - Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death To Mainland Scum,Leave Your Money)
Idaho - More Than Just Potatoes... Well, Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good
Illinois - Please, Don't Pronounce the "S"
Indiana - 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free
Iowa - We Do Amazing Things With Corn
Kansas - First Of The Rectangle States
Kentucky - Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names
Louisiana - We're Not ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign.
Maine - We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster
Maryland - If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It
Massachusetts - Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's
Michigan - First Line Of Defense >From The Canadians
Minnesota - 10,000 Lakes...And 10,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes
Mississippi - Come And Feel Better About Your Own State
Missouri - Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work
Montana - Land Of The Big Sky, The Unabomber, Right-wing Crazies, and Very Little Else.
Nebraska - Ask About Our State Motto Contest
Nevada - Hookers and Poker!
New Hampshire - Go Away And Leave Us Alone
New Jersey - You Want A ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right here!
New Mexico - Lizards Make Excellent Pets
New York - You Have The Right To Remain Silent, You Have The Right To An Attorney...
North Carolina - Tobacco Is A Vegetable
North Dakota - We Really Are One Of The 50 States!
Ohio - At Least We're Not Michigan
Oklahoma - Like The Play, But No Singing
Oregon - Spotted Owl...It's What's For Dinner
Pennsylvania - Cook With Coal
Rhode Island - We're Not REALLY An Island
South Carolina - Remember The Civil War? Well, We Didn't Actually Surrender Yet
South Dakota - Closer Than North Dakota
Tennessee - The Edyoocashun State
Texas - Se Hablo Ingles
Utah - Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus
Vermont - Ay, Yep
Virginia - Who Says Government Stiffs And Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?
Washington - We have more rain than you do
West Virginia - One Big Happy Family...Really!
Wisconsin - Come Cut The Cheese!
Wyoming - Where Men Are Men... And The Sheep Are Scared

Headlines in 2029

  • Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia formally known as California.
  • Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and livestock.
  • Baby conceived naturally . . . scientists stumped.
  • Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.
  • Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the American Territory of the Middle East (formerly known as Iran, Afghanistan, Syria and Lebanon).
  • Iran still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.
  • France pleads for global help after being over taken by Jamaica.
  • Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.
  • George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.
  • Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.
  • 85-year, $75.8 billion study: Diet and Exercise are the keys to weight loss.
  • Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs.
  • Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed, they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut.
  • Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.
  • Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.
  • Average height of NBA players now nine feet, seven inches.
  • New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2036.
  • Congress authorizes direct deposit of formerly illegal political contributions to campaign accounts.
  • IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent.
  • Florida voters still don't know how to use a voting machine.