Saturday, July 08, 2006

Gambling Blonde

Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the craps table.

A very attractive blonde woman from Alabama arrived ....and bet twenty-thousand dollars ($20,000) on a single roll of the dice.

She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I play topless."

With that, she stripped to the waist; rolled the dice; and yelled, "Come on, baby.... Southern Girl needs new clothes!!"

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up-and-down... and squealed... "YES! YES! I WON! I WON!"

She hugged each of the dealers... and then picked up her winnings and her clothes, and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"

The other answered, "I don't know... I thought you were watching."


Not all Southerners are stupid.
Not all blondes are dumb.
But, all men..... are men.

Height Chart

Car Wash Scam

Please pass this on to any woman (or man) you care about..

A new scam is being pulled on women and men mainly in broad daylight.

What happens is that when the intended victim stops at a traffic light, an almost NUDE, good looking, tanned, muscled young man comes up to your car and pretends to wash the windshield.

While he is doing this, another young, handsome athletic man opens the back door of the car, jumps in and insists you drive off with him to some lonely spot, where he has his way with you.

They are very good at this.

They got me three times Friday and five times Saturday.

....................I couldn't find them on Sunday.

Wednesday, July 05, 2006

Why Women Live Longer than Men

"Jackstands? Hah! Who needs 'em?"

Necessity is the mother of invention...

"And to think... those wimps at the power company use straps and cleats to get up this high!"

step 1: remove shoes.
step 2: place metal ladder in water.
step 3: begin using power tools while standing barefoot on metal ladder in water.

"Gee, guys... that seems like an awful lot of protective gear for such a small chlorine gas leak..."

I'm sure this guy still wonders why he got fired that day.

And the Winner is:

How drunk do you have to be before this starts looking like a good idea?

Smartest Kid in the Class

Redneck Zodiac

OKRA (Dec 22 - Jan 20): Are tough on the outside but tender on the inside. Okras have tremendous influence. An older Okra can look back over his life and see the seeds of his influence everywhere. You can do something good each day if you try.

CHITLIN (Jan 21 - Feb 19): Chitlins come from humble backgrounds. A Chitlin, however, will make something of himself if he is motivated and has lots of seasoning. In dealing with Chitlins, be careful - they may surprise you. They can erupt like Vesuvius. Chitlins are best with Catfish and Okra.

BOLL WEEVIL (Feb 20 - March 20): You have an overwhelming curiosity. You're unsatisfied with the surface of things, and you feel the need to bore deep into the interior of everything. Needless to say, you are very intense and driven as if you had some inner hunger. You love to stay busy and tend to work too much. Nobody in their right mind is going to marry you, so don't worry about it.

MOON PIE (March 21 - April 20): You're the type that spends a lot of time on the front porch. A cinch to recognize the physical appearance of Moon Pies. Big and round are the key words here. You should marry anybody who you can get remotely interested in the idea. It's not going to be easy. You always have a big smile and are happy. This might be the year to think about aerobics. Maybe not.

POSSUM (April 21 - May 21): When confronted with life's difficulties, possums have a marked tendency to withdraw and develop a don't-bother-me-about-it attitude. Sometimes you become so withdrawn, people actually think you're dead. This strategy is probably not psychologically healthy but seems to work for you. You are a rare breed. Most folks love to watch you work and play. You are a night person and mind your own business.

CRAWFISH (May 22 - June 21): Crawfish is a water sign. If you work in an office, you're hanging around the water cooler. Crawfish prefer the beach to the mountains, the pool to the golf course, and the bathtub to the living room. You tend not to be particularly attractive physically, but you have very, very good heads.

COLLARDS (June 22 - July 23): Collards have a genius for communication. They love to get in the melting pot of life and share their essence with the essence of those around them. Collards make good social workers, psychologists, and baseball managers. As far as your personal life goes, if you are Collards, stay away from Crawfish. It just won't work. Save yourself a lot of heartache.

CATFISH (July 24 - Aug 23): Catfish are traditionalists in matters of the heart, although one's whiskers may cause problems for loved ones. You Catfish are never easy people to understand. You run fast. You work and play hard. Even though you prefer the muddy bottoms to the clear surface of life, you are liked by most. Above all else, Catfish should stay away from Moon Pies.

GRITS (Aug 24 - Sept 23): Your highest aim is to be with others like yourself. You like to huddle together with a big crowd of other Grits. You love to travel though, so maybe you should think about joining a club. Where do you like to go? Anywhere they have cheese, gravy, bacon, butter, or eggs and a good time. If you can go somewhere where they have all these things; that serves you well. You are pure in heart.

BOILED PEANUTS (Sept 24 - Oct 23): You have a passionate desire to help your fellow man. Unfortunately, those who know you best, your friends and loved ones, may find that your personality is much too salty, and their criticism will affect you deeply because you are really much softer than you appear. You should go right ahead and marry anybody you want to because in a certain way, yours is a charmed life. On the road of life, you can be sure that people will always pull over and stop for you.

BUTTER BEAN (Oct 24 - Nov 22): Always invite a Butter Bean to a party because Butter Beans get along well with everybody. You, as a Butter Bean, should be proud. You've grown on the vine of life, and you feel at home no matter what the setting. You can sit next to anybody. However, you, too, shouldn't have anything to do with Moon Pies.

ARMADILLO (Nov 23 - Dec 21): You have a tendency to develop a tough exterior, but you are actually quite gentle and kind inside. A good evening for you--old friends, a fire, some roots, fruit, worms, and insects. You are a throwback. You're not concerned with today's fashions and trends. You're not concerned with anything about today. You're almost prehistoric in your interests and behavior patterns. You probably want to marry another Armidillo.

Tuesday, July 04, 2006

A Rainbow that Set the Sky on Fire

June 19, 2006—It looks like a rainbow that's been set on fire, but this phenomenon is as cold as ice.

Known in the weather world as a circumhorizontal arc, this rare sight was caught on film on June 3 as it hung over northern Idaho near the Washington State border (map of Idaho).

The arc isn't a rainbow in the traditional sense—it is caused by light passing through wispy, high-altitude cirrus clouds. The sight occurs only when the sun is very high in the sky (more than 58° above the horizon). What's more, the hexagonal ice crystals that make up cirrus clouds must be shaped like thick plates with their faces parallel to the ground.

When light enters through a vertical side face of such an ice crystal and leaves from the bottom face, it refracts, or bends, in the same way that light passes through a prism. If a cirrus's crystals are aligned just right, the whole cloud lights up in a spectrum of colors.

This particular arc spanned several hundred square miles of sky and lasted for about an hour, according to the London Daily Mail.

--National Geographic News

Monday, July 03, 2006

Mentos & Diet Coke

Rules for Visitors

Because of misunderstandings that frequently develop when Easterners and Californians cross states, and we are refering to "Fly over country", such as Illinois, Ohio, Indiana, Wisconsin, Nebraska, Kansas, Iowa, Missouri, Minnesota, North Dakota and South Dakota, those states' Tourist Councils have adopted a set of information guidelines.

In an effort to help outsiders understand the Midwest, the following list will be handed to each driver entering the state:

  1. That farm boy standing by the feed bin did more work before breakfast than you do all week in the gym.
  2. It is called a 'gravel road.' No matter how slow you drive, you will get dust on your Navigator.
  3. I have a four-wheel drive because I need it, not just to keep up with the neighbors. We could really care less what you drive!
  4. We all started hunting and fishing when we were seven years old. Yeah, we saw Bambi's dad, killed him, and mounted his likeness on our wall. We got over it.
  5. Any references to "corn fed" when talking about our women will get your butt whupped --by our women.
  6. Go ahead. Bring your $600 Orvis Fly Rod. Do not cry to us if a flathead catfish breaks it off at the handle.
  7. We have a name for those little trout for which you fish. It is called bait.
  8. Pull your pants up. You look like an idiot.
  9. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of mallards are making their final approach, we will shoot it.
  10. That is right. Whiskey is only two bucks. We can buy a fifth for what you pay for one drink at the airport.
  11. No, there's no "Vegetarian Special" on the menu. Order steak and order it rare. Or, you can order the chef salad and pick off the two pounds of ham and turkey.
  12. You bring coke into my house, it better be brown, wet, and served over ice.
  13. So you have a $60,000 car parked in your driveway. We are real impressed. We have a $250,000 combine that we use two weeks a year. So take that!
  14. Let's get this straight. We have one stoplight in town. We stop when it is red. We may even stop when it is yellow.
  15. Our women hunt, fish, and drive pickups, trucks, and tractors because they want to. So, you are a feminist -- isn't that cute?
  16. We eat catfish. Carp and turtle too. You really want sushi and caviar? It is available at the bait shop.
  17. They are pigs. That is what they smell like. Get over it. Don't like it? Interstates 70, 80, and 90 go east and west. Interstates 29, 35 & 55 go north and south. Pick one and use it accordingly.
  18. Speaking of which -- we call them "Interstates" and not "Freeways" because they are just that -- free. We do not charge our citizens again to drive on a highway for which they have already paid.
  19. The "Opener" refers to the first day of deer season. It is a religious holiday. You can get breakfast at the church.
  20. Speaking of which -- yes, Christmas is a religious holiday. Get over it. We say "Merry Christmas" when we greet you, not "Happy Holidays" or "Seasons Greetings." Don't like it? Then feel free to work on December 25.
  21. So every person in every pick-up truck waves at each other. It is called being friendly. Understand the concept?
  22. Yeah, we have golf courses. Do not hit your ball into the water hazard. It spooks the fish.
  23. That Highway Patrol Officer who just pulled you over for driving like an idiot. His name is "Sir."

Now please, enjoy your visit. Just do not overdo your stay, we have corn to plant.

Potty Words

My mother was a fanatic about public restrooms. When I was a little girl, she'd take me into the stall, show me how to wad up toilet paper and wipe the seat. Then she'd carefully lay strips of toilet paper to cover the seat. Finally, she'd instruct, "Never, NEVER sit on a public toilet seat. Then she'd demonstrate "The Stance," which consisted of balancing over the toilet in a sitting position without actually letting any of your flesh make contact with the toilet seat.

That was a long time ago. Now, in my "mature" years, "The Stance" is excruciatingly difficult to maintain.

When you have to visit a public bathroom, you usually find a line of women, so you smile politely and take your place. Once it's your turn, you check for feet under the stall doors. Every stall is occupied. Finally, a door opens and you dash in, nearly knocking down the woman leaving the stall. You get in to find the door won't latch. It doesn't matter.

The dispenser for the modern "seat covers" (invented by someone's Mom, no doubt) is handy, but empty. You would hang your purse on the door hook, if there were one, but there isn't - so you carefully but quickly drape it around your neck, (Mom would turn over in her grave if you put it on the FLOOR!), yank down your pants, and assume "The Stance." In this position your aging, toneless thigh muscles begin to shake. You'd love to sit down, but you certainly hadn't taken time to wipe the seat or lay toilet paper on it, so you hold "The Stance."

To take your mind off your trembling thighs, you reach for what you discover to be the empty toilet paper dispenser. In your mind, you can hear your mother's voice saying, "Honey, if you had tried to clean the seat, you would have KNOWN there was no toilet paper!" Your thighs shake more.

You remember the tiny tissue that you blew your nose on yesterday - the one that's still in your purse. That would have to do. You crumple it in the puffiest way possible. It is still smaller than your thumbnail.

Someone pushes open your stall door because the latch doesn't work. The door hits your purse, which is hanging around your neck in front of your chest, and you and your purse topple backward against the tank of the toilet. "Occupied!" you scream, as you reach for the door, dropping your precious, tiny, crumpled tissue in a puddle on the floor, lose your footing altogether, and slide down directly onto the TOILET SEAT. It is wet of course.

You bolt up, knowing all too well that it's too late. Your bare bottom has made contact with every imaginable germ and life form on the uncovered seat because YOU never laid down toilet paper - not that there was any, even if you had taken time to try.

You know that your mother would be utterly appalled if she knew, because, you're certain, her bare bottom never touched a public toilet seat because, frankly, dear, "You just don't KNOW what kind of diseases you could get."

By this time, the automatic sensor on the back of the toilet is so confused that it flushes, propelling a stream of water like a firehose that somehow sucks everything down with such force that you grab onto the toilet paper dispenser for fear of being dragged in too.

At that point, you give up.

You're soaked by the spewing water and the wet toilet seat. You're exhausted. You try to wipe with a gum wrapper you found in your pocket and then slink out inconspicuously to the sinks. You can't figure out how to operate the faucets with the automatic sensors, so you wipe your hands with spit and a dry paper towel and walk past the line of women, still waiting. You are no longer able to smile politely them.

A kind soul at the very end of the line points out a piece of toilet paper trailing from your shoe. ( Where was that when you NEEDED it??) You yank the paper from your shoe, plunk it the woman's hand and tell her warmly, "Here, you just might need this."

As you exit, you spot your hubby, who has long since entered, used and left the men's restroom. Annoyed, he asks, "What took you so long, and why is your purse hanging around your neck?"

This is dedicated to women everywhere who deal with a public restroom (rest??? you've got to be kidding!!). It finally explains to the men what really does take us so long. It also answers their other commonly asked question about why women go to the restroom in pairs. It's so the other gal can hold the door, hang onto your purse and hand you Kleenex under the door.

Phone call from the Wife

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker- function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

Man: "Hello"

Woman: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

Man: "Yes."

Woman: "I'm at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"

Man: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."

Woman: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2007 models. I saw one I really liked."

Man: "How much?"

Woman: "$65,000."

Man: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

Woman: "Great! Oh, and one more thing. The house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000."

Man: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer $900,000."

Woman: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"

Man: "Bye, I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment. Then he smiles and asks:

"Anyone know whose phone this is?"