The Spoon

Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket.

It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.

When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?"

"Well," he explained, "the restaurant's owners hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare. "I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now."

I was impressed. I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?"

"Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39 percent."

"After you get it out, how do you put it back?"

"Well," he whispered, "I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon."

Vending Machines

A salesman checked into a futuristic motel. Realizing he needed a haircut before his meeting tomorrow, he called down to the desk clerk to ask if there was a barber on the premises.

"I'm afraid not, sir," the clerk told him apologetically, "but down the hall from your room is a vending machine that should serve your purposes."

Skeptical but intrigued, the salesman located the machine, inserted $15, and stuck his head into the opening, at which time the machine started to buzz and spin. Fifteen seconds later, he pulled out his head and look in the mirror, and saw the best haircut of his life. "Would wonders never cease! This futuristic stuff is amazing," he thought.

Two feet away was another machine with a sign that read, "Manicures $10."

"Why not?" he thought. He paid the money, inserted his hands into the slot, and the machine started to buzz and spin. Fifteen seconds later he pulled out his hands and they were perfectly manicured.

The next machine had a sign that read, "Machine provides a service men need when away from their wives, 50 Cents."

"Oh, man.... do I ever need that!" He looked both ways, put fifty cents in the machine, unzipped his fly, and with some anticipation, stuck his manhood into the opening.

When the machine started buzzing, he let out a shriek of agony and almost passed out.

Fifteen seconds later it shut off. With trembling hands, he was able to withdraw his member which now had a button neatly sewn on the end.

I Miss Bill Clinton

From a show on Canadian TV.

There was a black comedian who said he misses Bill Clinton. "Yep, that's right - I miss Bill Clinton! He was the closest thing we ever got to having a black man as President. Number 1 - He played the sax. Number 2 - He smoked weed. Number 3 - He had his way with ugly white women. Even now? Look at him... his wife works, and he don't! And, he gets a check from the government every month. Manufacturers announced today that they will be stocking America's shelves this week with "Clinton Soup," in honor of one of the nations' most distinguished men. It consists primarily of a weenie in hot water. Chrysler Corporation is adding a new car to its line to honor Bill Clinton. The Dodge Drafter will be built in Canada. When asked what he thought about foreign affairs, Clinton replied, "I don't know, I never had one." The Clinton revised judicial oath: "I solemnly swear to tell the truth as I know it, the whole truth as I believe it to be, and nothing but what I think you need to know."

"Clinton will be recorded in history as the only President to do Hanky Panky between Bushes."

Some New Definitions

The Oxford Dictionary's latest definition of the following words.

Atom Bomb : An invention to end all inventions.

Boss : Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.

Cigarette : A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end and a fool on the other.

Classic : A book which people praise, but do not read.

Committee : Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.

Compromise : The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.

Conference Room : A place where everybody talks, nobody listens and everybody disagrees later on.

Criminal : A guy no different from the rest....except that he got caught.

Dictionary : A place where success comes before work.

Diplomat : A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.

Doctor : A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you with his bills.

Etc. : A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.

Experience : The name men give to their mistakes.

Father : A banker provided by nature.

Lecture : An art of transferring information from the notes of the lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through the minds of either.

Miser : A person who lives poor so that he can die rich.

Office : A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.

Opportunist : A person who starts taking bath if he accidentally falls into a river.

Optimist : A person who while falling from Eiffel tower says in midway "See I am not injured yet."

Philosopher : A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when dead.

Politician : One who shakes your hand before elections and your confidence after.

Smile : A curve that can set a lot of things straight.

Tears : The hydraulic force by which masculine will-power is defeated by feminine water power.

Yawn : The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.

When Cloning Goes Wrong (Part 3)

When Cloning Goes Wrong (Part 2)

When Cloning Goes Wrong (Part 1)