Corvette

A Florida senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.

"Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-75, pushing the pedal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a state trooper behind him, blue Lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph...then 110... Then 120. Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this," and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival.

Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

The old gentleman paused, then said, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."

"Have a good day, sir." replied the trooper.

Foster Brooks

Marketing

The buzz word in today's business world is MARKETING. However, people often ask for a simple explanation of "Marketing."

OK, here it is:

1. You're a woman and you see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and say, "I'm fantastic in bed."
• That's Direct Marketing.
2. You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a handsome guy. One of your friends goes up to him and, pointing at you, says, "She's fantastic in bed."
• That's Advertising.
3. You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and get his telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in
   bed."
• That's Telemarketing.
4. You see a guy at a party; you straighten your dress. You walk up to him and pour him a drink. You say, "May I?" and reach up to straighten his tie, brushing your breast lightly against his arm, and then say, "By the way,I'm fantastic in bed."
• That's Public Relations.
5. You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He walks up to you and says, "I hear you're fantastic in bed."
• That's Brand Recognition.
6. You're at a party and see a handsome guy. You talk him into going home with your friend.
• That's a Sales Rep.
7. He isn't happy with your friend so he calls you.
• That's Tech Support.
8. You're on your way to a party when you realize that there could be handsome men in all these houses you're passing, so you climb onto the
   roof of one situated towards the center and shout at the top of your
   lungs,"I'm fantastic in bed!"
• That's Junk Mail.
9. You are at a party; this well-built man walks up to you and grabs your ass.
• That's the Governor of California.
10. You like it, but twenty years later your attorney decides you were offended.
• That's America.

The Most Interesting Man in the World

The Easter Bunny Hates You

Things You learn in Southern Illinois

• Possums sleep in the middle of the road with their feet in the air.
• There are 5,000 types of snakes on earth and 4,998 live in Southern Illinois.
• There are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 live in Southern Illinois plus a couple no one's seen before.
• If it grows, it sticks; if it crawls, it bites.
• Onced and Twiced are words.
• It is not a shopping cart; it is a buggy.
• Houses have "Winders" and "Windas", never has a window been seen South of I-70.
• People actually grow and eat okra.
• "Fixinto" is one word.
• There is no such thing as "lunch." There is only dinner and then there is supper.
• Iced tea is appropriate for all meals and you start drinking it when you're two.
• Backwards and forwards means "I know everything about you."
• DJeet? Is actually a phrase meaning, "Did you eat?"
• You don't have to wear a watch because it doesn't matter what time it is. You work until you're done or it's too dark to see.
• You don't PUSH buttons, you MASH them.
• You know the distance between stops on "The Wine Trail".
• You measure distance in minutes.
• You've had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day.
• You know who/which store has the best deal on cases of Natural Light beer.
• "Fix" is a verb. Example: "I'm fixing to go to the store."
• All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable, grain, insect or animal.
• You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked.
• You know what a "DAWG" is.
• You carry jumper cables in your car . . . for your OWN car.
• There are only four spices: salt, pepper, Tabasco and ketchup.
• The local papers cover national and international news on one page, but require 6 pages for local gossip and sports.
• The first day of deer season is a national holiday.
• 100 degrees Fahrenheit "a little warm." We have four seasons: Almost Summer, Summer, still Summer and Christmas.
• Going to Wal-mart is a favorite past time known as "goin' Wal-martin" or off to "Wally World."
• A cool snap (below 70 degrees) is good pinto-bean weather.
• Fried catfish is the other white meat.
• We don't need no stinking driver's ed, if our mama says we can drive, we can drive.
• You know how to WARSH your clothing, but laundry is beyond you.

EVERYONE can't be a Southern Illinoisan; it takes talent. You might say it's an art form or a gift from God!

Computers (by Dr. Seuss)

If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,
and the bus is interrupted at a very last resort,
and the access of the memory makes your floppy disk abort,
then the socket packet pocket has an error to report.

If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash,
and the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash,
and your data is corrupted cause the index doesn't hash,
then your situation's hopeless and your system's gonna crash!

If the label on the cable on the table at your house,
says the network is connected to the button on your mouse,
but your packets want to tunnel to another protocol,
that's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall......

And your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss,
so your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse,
then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang,
'cuz sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang.

When the copy on your floppy's getting sloppy in the disk,
and the macro code instructions is causing unnecessary risk,
then you'll have to flash the memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM,
and then quickly turn off the computer and be sure to tell your Mom!

Out of Gas

A man was driving down the road and ran out of gas. Just at that moment, a bee flew in his window.

The bee said, "What seems to be the problem?"

"I'm out of gas," the man replied.

The bee told the man to wait right there and flew away. Minutes later, the man watched as an entire swarm of bees flew to his car and into his gas tank. After a few minutes, the bees flew out.

"Try it now," said one bee.

The man turned the ignition key and the car started right up.

"Wow!" the man exclaimed, "what did you put in my gas tank"?

The bee answered,