Friday, August 18, 2006

Here it Goes Again

Now that's Fresh!

Proof that the world is Nuts!

In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death.
(Like THAT makes sense.)

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In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror.
(Do they look different reversed?)

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Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers. The sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times.
(A brick??)

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There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time
Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.
(Let's just think about this one for a minute; is there any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)

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In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. The husband's illicit lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired.
(Ah! Justice!)

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Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England - but only in tropical fish stores.
(But of course!)

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In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act.
(Makes one shudder at the thought.)

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In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time.
(I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?)

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In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: Prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only "in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises."
(Is this a great country or what? Well . . . Not as great as Guam!)

Funny Facts

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Who volunteers for this stuff?)

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Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(That why Flipper was always smiling?)

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The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.
(From drinking little bottles of ... ?)

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Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Did the government pay for this research?)

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An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)

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Starfish don't have brains.
(I know some people like that, too.)

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And, the best for last...
Turtles can breathe through their butts.
(And I thought I had bad breath in the morning!)

Look Daddy! Kittens!

Thursday, August 17, 2006

Old Country Preacher

An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession. Like many young men, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it.

One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table three objects: a Bible, a silver dollar, and a bottle of whisky.

"I'll just hide behind the door," the old preacher said to himself, "and when he comes home from school this afternoon, I'll see which object he picks up.

If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be!

If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a businessman, and that would be okay, too.

But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunkard, and, Lord, what a shame that would be."

The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's footsteps as he entered the house whistling and headed for his room. He tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table. With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them.

Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up the silver dollar and dropped it into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink.

"Lord have mercy," the old man whispered, "he's gonna be a Congressman!"

Wednesday, August 16, 2006

Catholic Gasoline

Sister Mary, who worked for a home health agency, was out making her rounds visiting homebound patients when she ran out of gas. As luck would have it, a gas station was just a block away.

She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy some gas. The attendant told her that the only gas can he owned had been loaned out, but she could wait until it was returned.

Since the nun was on the way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and walked back to her car. She looked for something in her car that she could fill with gas and spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient. Always resourceful, she carried the bedpan to the station, filled it with gas, and carried the full bedpan back to her car.

As she was pouring the gas into her tank, two men watched from across the street.

One of the them turned to the other and said, "If it starts, I'm turning Catholic."

Tuesday, August 15, 2006

Vibrations

As a woman passed her daughter's closed bedroom door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from within. Opening the door, she observed her daughter with a Vibrator. Shocked, she asked, "What in the World are you doing?"

The daughter replied, "Mom, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this is the closest I'll ever get to having a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone."

The next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz coming from the other side of the closed bedroom door. Upon entering the room, he observed his daughter making passionate love to her Vibrator.

To his query, the daughter replied, "Dad, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone."

A couple of days later, the wife came home from a shopping trip, placed the groceries on the kitchen counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming from, of all places, the living room!

She entered that room and saw her husband sitting on the couch, downing a cold beer, and starting at the TV. The Vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing like crazy.

The wife asked, "What in the hell are you doing?"

The Husband replied, "I'm watching football with my son-in-law."

Monday, August 14, 2006

When Girls Drink too Much...

  1. We have absolutely no idea where our purse is.
  2. We believe that dancing with our arms overhead and wiggling our butt while yelling "woo-hoo!" is truly the sexiest dance move around.
  3. We've suddenly decided that we want to kick someone's ass and honestly believe we could do it, too.
  4. In our last trip to pee, we realize that we now look more like a homeless hooker than the goddess we were just four hours ago.
  5. We start crying and telling everyone we see that we love them sooooo much.
  6. We get extremely excited and jump up and down every time a new song play's because "oh my god! I love this song!"
  7. We've found a deeper/spiritual side to the geek sitting next to us.
  8. We've suddenly taken up smoking and become really good at it.
  9. We yell at the bartender, who we believe cheated us by giving us just lemonade, but that's just because we can no longer taste the gin.
  10. We think we are in bed, but our pillow feels strangely like the kitchen floor (or the mop?)
  11. We fail to notice that the toilet lid's down when we sit on it.
  12. We take our shoes off because we believe it's their fault that we're having problems walking straight.

Toot Tone