Monday, December 18, 2006

Happy Holidays!

Crisco

An old lady is walking around in a supermarket calling out, "Crisco, Crisssssssco!"

Soon a store clerk approaches and says, "Lady, the Crisco is in aisle D."

The old lady replies, "Oh, I'm not looking for the cooking stuff. I'm calling my husband."

The clerk is astonished. "Your husband's name is Crisco?"

The old lady answers, "Oh no, no, no. I only call him that when we're out in public."

"I see," said the clerk. "What do you call him at home?"

The old lady replies, "Lard ass."

Saturday, December 16, 2006

Helsinki Complaints Choir



This is an actual Choir that sang this all over the place, including the steps of Parliament in Helsinki, Finland.

The info from YouTube:
Finnish artists Tellervo Kalleinen and Oliver Kochta-Kalleinen collected the pet peeves and angst-ridden pleas of people in Helsinki and then composed this choral work around the list of complaints. Music composed by Esko Grundström.

Please visit the project website for more info:

http://www.complaintschoir.org


Tidbits to make it funnier:

Domestic Violence



(If you don't like 'Robot Chicken', you won't like this.)

Friday, December 15, 2006

Roosters

A farmer had ten roosters, whose job it was to fertilize the eggs (for you city folks).

The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of his time, so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so John could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing.

Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells. The farmer's favorite rooster was old Butch, and a very fine specimen he was, too.

But on this particular morning John noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! John went to investigate.

The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.

But to Farmer John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He would sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.

John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Renfrew County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.

The result...The judges not only awarded old Butch the No Bell Piece Prize but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well.

Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making: Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.

Saturday, December 09, 2006

Urban Ninja

The Daffodil Principle

Several times my daughter had telephoned to say, "Mother, you must come to see the daffodils before they are over." I wanted to go, but it was a two-hour drive from Laguna to Lake Arrowhead "I will come next Tuesday", I promised a little reluctantly on her third call.

Next Tuesday dawned cold and rainy. Still, I had promised, and reluctantly I drove there. When I finally walked into Carolyn's house I was welcomed by the joyful sounds of happy children. I delightedly hugged and greeted my grandchildren.

"Forget the daffodils, Carolyn! The road is invisible in these clouds and fog, and there is nothing in the world except you and these children that I want to see badly enough to drive another inch!"

My daughter smiled calmly and said, "We drive in this all the time, Mother."

"Well, you won't get me back on the road until it clears, and then I'm heading for home!" I assured her.

"But first we're going to see the daffodils. It's just a few blocks," Carolyn said. "I'll drive. I'm used to this."

"Carolyn," I said sternly, "Please turn around." "It's all right, Mother, I promise. You will never forgive yourself if you miss this experience."

After about twenty minutes, we turned onto a small gravel road and I saw a small church. On the far side of the church, I saw a hand lettered sign with an arrow that read, "Daffodil Garden." We got out of the car, each took a child's hand, and I followed Carolyn down the path. Then, as we turned a corner, I looked up and gasped. Before me lay the most glorious sight.

It looked as though someone had taken a great vat of gold and poured it over the mountain peak and its surrounding slopes. The flowers were planted in majestic, swirling patterns, great ribbons and swaths of deep orange, creamy white, lemon yellow, salmon pink, and saffron and butter yellow. Each different-colored variety was planted in large groups so that it swirled and flowed like its own river with its own unique hue. There were five acres of flowers.

"Who did this?" I asked Carolyn. "Just one woman," Carolyn answered. "She lives on the property. That's her home." Carolyn pointed to a well-kept A-frame house, small and modestly sitting in the midst of all that glory. We walked up to the house.

On the patio, we saw a poster. "Answers to the Questions I Know You Are Asking", was the headline. The first answer was a simple one. "50,000 bulbs," it read. The second answer was, "One at a time, by one woman. Two hands, two feet, and one brain." The third answer was, "Began in 1958."

For me, that moment was a life-changing experience. I thought of this woman whom I had never met, who, more than forty years before, had begun, one bulb at a time, to bring her vision of beauty and joy to an obscure mountaintop. Planting one bulb at a time, year after year, this unknown woman had forever changed the world in which she lived. One day at a time, she had created something of extraordinary magnificence, beauty, and inspiration. The principle her daffodil garden taught is one of the greatest principles of celebration.

That is, learning to move toward our goals and desires one step at a time--often just one baby-step at time--and learning to love the doing, learning to use the accumulation of time. When we multiply tiny pieces of time with small increments of daily effort, we too will find we can accomplish magnificent things. We can change the world .

"It makes me sad in a way," I admitted to Carolyn. "What might I have accomplished if I had thought of a wonderful goal thirty-five or forty years ago and had worked away at it 'one bulb at a time' through all those years? Just think what I might have been able to achieve!"

My daughter summed up the message of the day in her usual direct way. "Start tomorrow," she said.

She was right. It's so pointless to think of the lost hours of yesterdays. The way to make learning a lesson of celebration instead of a cause for regret is to only ask, "How can I put this to use today?"

Use the Daffodil Principle. Stop waiting.....
  • Until your car or home is paid off
  • Until you get a new car or home
  • Until your kids leave the house
  • Until you go back to school
  • Until you finish school
  • Until you clean the house
  • Until you organize the garage
  • Until you clean off your desk
  • Until you lose 10 lbs.
  • Until you gain 10 lbs.
  • Until you get married
  • Until you get a divorce
  • Until you have kids
  • Until the kids go to school
  • Until you retire
  • Until summer
  • Until spring
  • Until winter
  • Until fall
  • Until you die...

There is no better time than right now to be happy. Happiness is a journey, not a destination.

So work like you don't need money.
Love like you've never been hurt, and
Dance like no one's watching.

Wishing you a beautiful, daffodil day!

Don't be afraid that your life will end, be afraid that it will never begin.

Sunday, December 03, 2006

Brazos County Sheriff

Honeymoon

Fred and Mary got married but couldn't afford a honeymoon, so they go back to Fred's Mom and Dad's for their first night together. In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast. As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his Mom if Fred and Mary are up yet.

She replies, "No".

Johnny asks, "Do you know what I think?"

His Mom replies, "I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school."

Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his Mom, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?"

She replies, "No."

Johnny says, "Do you know what I think?"

His Mom replies, "Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school."

After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?"

His Mom says, "No."

He asks, "Do you know what I think?"

His Mom replies, "OK, now tell me what you think?"

He says: "Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I think... I gave him my airplane glue."

Saturday, December 02, 2006

Woman being drawn

Holy crap-ola!

I wasn't planning on posting anything tonight, but I came across this. It's a thing of a woman being drawn from the inside out. It starts with her skeleton and finishes with her, fully clothed. It's amazing. I've never seen anything like it.

http://fcmx.net/vec/get.swf?i=003702

Friday, December 01, 2006

Raunchy Chrysler Ads

A series of adult-only ads for Chrysler Group were posted to the video site YouTube after being leaked to the automotive blog Jalopnik. The ads were off-color outtakes from a BBDO campaign for the automaker that parodied an old slate of ads for Folgers brand coffee. The Detroit News
(It's 2 pairs of ads, one is the real one, for "web-only", the second in each pair is the one that got leaked.)


Real Ad:


Leaked Ad:


Real Ad:


Leaked Ad:

Thursday, November 30, 2006

Drunk Danny Devito on the View

Tired?

For a couple years I've been blaming it on lack of sleep, not enough
 sunshine, too much pressure from my job, earwax buildup, poor blood or 
 anything else I could think of.

But now I found out the real reason:

I'm tired because I'm overworked.

Here's why:

The population of this country is 273 million.

140 million are retired
That leaves 133 million to do the work.

There are 85 million in school.
Which leaves 48 million to do the work.

Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal
 government.
Leaving 19 million to do the work.

2.8 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with killing
 Osama Bin-Laden.
Which leaves 16.2 million to do the work.

Take from that total the 14.8 million people who work for 
 state and city governments.
And that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.

At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals.
Leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.

Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.
That leaves just two people to do the work.

You and me.


And there you are,

sitting on your ass,

at your computer, reading jokes.

Thanks. Really.

Wednesday, November 29, 2006

WHY?

Kiwi!



(Kinda sad, but totally exemplifies Kiwis. Both the bird and the people.)

Saturday, November 25, 2006

Urban Takeoff



This dummy ran out of fuel, landed on the street, refueled and attempted to takeoff. Check out his right wing tip.

Thursday, November 23, 2006

Grave

A mother and son were walking through a cemetery, and passed by a headstone inscribed "Here lies a good lawyer and an honest man." The little boy read the headstone, looked up at his mother, and asked "Mommy, why did they bury two men there?"

Vasectomy

A Kentucky couple, both bona fide red necks, had 9 children. They went to the doctor to see about getting the husband "fixed". The doctor gladly started the required procedure and asked them what finally made them make the decision--why after nine children, would they choose to do this.

The husband replied that they had read in a recent article that one out of every ten children being born in the United States was Mexican, and they didn't want to take a chance on having a Mexican baby because neither of them could speak Spanish.

Push

A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3 o'clock in the morning!"

He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No, I did not! It's 3 o'clock in the morning and it is pouring out there!"

Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him and you should be ashamed of yourself!"

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes" comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes. Please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here on the swing!" replies the drunk.

Wednesday, November 22, 2006

Female Golfer

Four lawyers in a law firm lived and died for their Saturday morning round of golf. It was their favorite moment of the week. Then one of the lawyers was transferred to an office in another city. It wasn't quite the same without him.

A new woman lawyer joined their law firm. One day she overheard the remaining three talking about their golf round at the coffee table. Curious, she spoke up, "You know, I used to play on my golf team in college and I was pretty good. Would you mind if I joined you next week?"

The three lawyers looked at each other. They were hesitant. Not one of them wanted to say 'yes', but she had them on the spot. Finally one man said it would be okay, but they would be starting pretty early at 6:30 am. He figured the early Tee-Time would discourage her immediately.

The woman said this might be a problem and asked if she could possibly be up to 15 minutes late. They rolled their eyes but said this would be okay. She smiled and said, "Good, then I'll be there either at 6:30 or 6:45."

She showed up right at 6:30 and wound up beating all three of them with an eye-opening 2-under par round. She was a fun and pleasant person the entire round. The guys were impressed! Back in the clubhouse they congratulated her and happily invited her back the next week. She smiled and said "Sure, I'll be here at 6:30 or 6:45."

The next week she again showed up at 6:30 Saturday morning. Only this time, she played left-handed. The three lawyers were incredulous as she still managed to beat them with an even par round despite playing with her off-hand.

By now the guys were totally amazed, but wondered if she was just trying to make them look bad by beating them left-handed. They couldn't figure her out. She was again very pleasant and didn't seem to be showing them up, but each man began to harbor a burning desire to beat her!

In the third week they all had their game faces on. But this week She was 15 minutes late! This had the guys irritable because each was determined to play the best round of golf of his life to beat her. As they waited for her, they figured her late arrival was some petty gamesmanship on her part.

Finally she showed up. This week the lady lawyer played right-handed which was a good thing since she narrowly beat all three of them. However she was so gracious and so complimentary of their strong play, it was hard to keep a grudge against her. This woman was a riddle no one could figure out!

Back in the clubhouse she had all three guys shaking their heads at her ability. They had a couple beers after their round which helped the conversation loosen up.

Finally one of the men could contain his curiosity no longer. He asked her point blank, "How do you decide if you're going to golf right-handed or left-handed?"

The lady blushed and grinned. She said, "That's easy. When my Dad taught me to play golf, I learned I was ambidextrous. I have always had fun switching back and forth. Then when I met my husband in college and got married, I discovered he always sleeps in the nude. From then on I developed a silly habit. Right before I left in the morning for golf practice, I would pull the covers off him. If his you-know-what was pointing to the right, I golfed right-handed; if it was pointed to the left, I golfed left-handed. All the girls on the team thought this was hysterical."

Astonished at this bizarre information, one of the guys shot back, "But what if it's pointed straight up in the air?"�

She said, "Then I'm fifteen minutes late..."

Tuesday, November 21, 2006

Kids

I love the outdoors, and because of my passion for hunting and fishing, my family eats a considerable amount of wild game. So much, in fact, that one evening as I set a platter of broiled venison steaks on the dinner table, my ten-year- old daughter looked up and said, "Boy, it sure would be nice if pizzas lived in the woods."

----------------------------------

A mother was showing her son how to zip up his coat. "The secret," she said, "is to get the left part of the zipper to fit in the other side before you try to zip it up."

The boy looked at her quizzically... "Why does it have to be a secret?"

----------------------------------

When my daughter was three, we watched Snow White And The Seven Dwarfs for the first time. The wicked queen appeared, disguised as an old lady selling apples, and my daughter was spellbound. Then Snow White took a bite of the poisoned apple and fell to the ground unconscious.

As the apple rolled away, my daughter spoke up. "See, Mom. She doesn't like the skin either."

----------------------------------

A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover.

The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, "What's the matter --haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"

F-8 Adventure

This was in a forward that I received from my dad. I didn't edit it at all except to clean up the formatting, so it's all the words of the guy who wrote it. I changed how he signed it at the bottom, so it's his full name, rather than just "Crash." You can still get the funny even though there's quite a few technical terms... For Pictures & info about the Crusader: Click.

Tom,

You've stirred up a lot of new twists in the F8 spin lore.

I remember the incident that Dave Winiker tells about in VF 154 with some slight adjustments.

It was fall of 1957 and I'm virtually certain that the Nurse was an AJ "Savage" - my impression is that, if that thing ever got up over 160 knots or so the wings would flap and it would lay an egg. I think I even have an inflight snapshot of a nose up / wing down Crusader desperately trying to get a sip while sloshing around back there in the propwash and exhaust fumes.

As I recall, we tried this a couple of times, gave it up as a really really bad deal, and never saw a tanker again – much less a Savage – on the '58 deployment. It made for some thirsty times.

So here's my add to Dwinky's tale

The protagonist is young Ensign Saintly, a baby faced, chubby, late replacement chump who has been thrown into an F8 for a couple of fam hops and now that he's fully up to speed he's going out to try a bit of inflight refueling - which of course nobody in Wespac has ever done before – but it makes no never mind to young Saintly that he's about the third person in US history to try this stunt – he doesn't know dick anyway.

Saintly goes out, gets behind the Savage, stalls out, gets into a flat spin maybe even inverted and wisely decides to part company with his balky steed.

This all works out fine (except for the brand new gator) and Saintly lands somewhere in the California coastal wilds, drags his chute around for a while, finds Hwy 1 and ends up in a phone booth calling 154 – collect.

Meanwhile I'm back in the 154 ready room in Hangar 1 at Moffett. I'm briefing for some heavy acey-deucy ops when the Duty Officer's phone rings and, after his crisp greeting, he looks around like he saw a ghost and goes into a mumbling huddle with the phone up real close and personal. I figure something really awful has happened like his wife has finally met his girlfriend or something terrible like that.

About that point, Skipper, Francis Xavier "Mad Monk" Timmes steams into view reading some stuff on a clipboard, growling & obviously on his way to gnaw on somebody's nether parts. I deftly ease away from the card table and hide behind the coffee maker – from which vantage point I watch the gruesome details unfold.

Timmes is pretty focused on the forthcoming evisceration but he spots the ashen face on the duty officer, his low quavering voice, the shaking phone hand – FX smells blood – the old man is uncanny he's just got this atavistic sixth sense that alerts him when a pooch has been screwed anywhere in within 6 counties.

In short it goes something like this:

FX to Duty Officer: "What's up mister?" (bad choice of verbiage.)

DO jumping to his feet & at rigid attention: "UH-um-uh ... it's Mr. Saintly on the phone..."

There's a beat while Timmes refocuses and glances instinctively up at the flight schedule.

FX: "No it's not Saintly – he's flying!"

DO: "But..."

FX: "GIMME that phone."

DO slithers over and joins me behind the coffee machine.

FX: "WHO IS THIS?"

Saintly: "It's me – Ensign Saintly sir..."

FX: "No it's NOT – Saintly is flying! -- is this a JOKE?"

Saintly: "No sir, it's me sir and I'm out here in a phone booth at Half Moon Bay sir – and I had to eject sir – and I need a ride back sir."
..................

Well, it's like Joseph said to Mary "You're WHAT?" – That one gets FX, I think for the first time in his life he's completely non-plussed.

But not for long – he realizes with horror that this jerk Saintly has just lost one of his beautiful brand new Crusaders. And FX has ridden a DC desk long enough to know that folks back in old foggy are going to be flappin' about this and he's gonna have some 'splainin to do.

.....................

FX: "Mr. Saintly, where did you say you were?"

Saintly: "I'm not really sure sir but I think I'm maybe near ... Pescadero or somewhere ... and I'm really sorry about calling collect but don't have any money... an-and...could you maybe send the pick-up out to get me...?"

FX: "Take a hike son – but be in my office at 0800 tomorrow."

I don't know how this all ended up because I never saw Saintly again after that - he's probably still out there.

--John "Crash" Miottel

Lion Tamer

A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two people show up.

One is an old retired Navy Chief in his mid-sixties and the other is a beautiful blonde in her mid-twenties.

The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you guys better be good or you're history.

Here's your equipment -- chair, whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"

The girl says, "I'll go first." She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage.

The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. About half way there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body. The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles. He continues to lick and kiss her entire body for several minutes and then rests his head at her feet.

The circus owner's mouth is on the floor. He says, "I've never seen a display like that in my life."

He then turns to the retired Navy Chief and asks, "Can you top that?"

The tough old Chief replies, "No problem, just get that lion out of the way."

Feeling small?

http://dingo.care2.com/cards/flash/5409/galaxy.swf

Kinda silly, but cute, and interesting...

Monday, November 20, 2006

Weird

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.

--Paul McCartney
English singer, songwriter and musician

Wednesday, November 15, 2006

Abe & Esther

Abe and Esther are flying to Australia for a two-week vacation to celebrate their 40th anniversary.

Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain announces,"Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt an emergency landing. Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able to land on the beach. However, the odds are that we may never be rescued and will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives!"

Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island.

An hour later Abe turns to his wife and asks, "Esther, did we pay our $5,000 PBS pledge check yet?"

"No, sweetheart," she responds.

Abe, still shaken from the crash landing, then asks, "Esther, did we pay our American Express card yet?"

"Oh, no! I'm sorry. I forgot to send the check," she says.

"One last thing, Esther. Did you remember to send checks for the Visa and MasterCard this month?", he asks.

"Oy, forgive me, Abie," begged Esther. "I didn't send that one, either."

Abe grabs her and gives her the biggest kiss in 40 years.

Esther pulls away and asks him, "So, why did you kiss me?"

Abe answers, "They'll find us!"

Three Kinds...

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobies are there?"

The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there's three kinds of breasts. In her twenties, a women's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions."

"Onions?"

"Yes, you see them and they make you cry."

This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, "Mom, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?"

The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In his twenties, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties, it is a birch, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it's like a Christmas tree."

"A Christmas tree?"

"Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are only for decoration."

Sunday, November 12, 2006

Turkey Recipe

Ingredients
1 whole chicken or turkey
1 large lemon, cut into halves
sprig of rosemary
salt and pepper to taste
butter or olive oil, whichever you prefer

Heat oven to 350 degrees

Rub butter or oil over the skin of the chicken/turkey until it is completely coated. Sprinkle with salt and pepper and any other seasonings you prefer.

Take a knife and gently separate the skin from the breast meat; Slide lemon halves under the skin with the peel side up, one on each side. This way the juice from the lemon will release into the breasts.

Place sprig of rosemary into the chicken/turkey.

Cover and bake for 30-45 minutes. Remove cover and continue to roast until juices run clear, basting every 15-20 minutes.

If you've followed these steps correctly, your chicken/turkey should look like the one in the picture.

Friday, November 10, 2006

Roll Your Own

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles.

The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.

She points him to the correct aisle.

A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.

She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?"

He answers, "You see, it's like this: yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers, cause it's soooooooo much cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my own, so does she."

The Tomato Garden

An old Italian man lived alone in the country. He wanted to dig his tomato garden but it was very hard work as the ground was very hard. His only son, Vincenzo, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vincenzo,
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I am getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the garden for me.
Love Papa.

A few days later he received a letter from his son:

Dear Papa,
Not for nothing, but please, do not dig up that garden. That's where I buried the bodies.
Love Vinnie

At 4 am the next morning, FBI and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. The same day the old man received another letter from his son:

Dear Papa,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love, Vinnie

Monday, November 06, 2006

Suspicious Activity

A couple lived near the ocean and used to walk the beach a lot.

One summer they noticed a girl who was at the beach pretty much every day. She wasn't unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing; she would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around furtively, then speak to them.

Generally the people would respond negatively and she would wander off, but occasionally someone would nod and there would be a quick exchange of money for something she carried in her bag.

The couple assumed she was selling drugs, and debated calling the cops, but since they didn't know for sure they just continued to watch her.

After a couple of weeks the wife said, "Honey, have you ever noticed that she only approaches people with boom boxes and other electronic devices?"

He hadn't, and said so.

Then she said, "Tomorrow I want you to get a towel and our big radio and go lie out on the beach. Then we can find out what she's really doing."

Well, the plan went off without a hitch and the wife was almost hopping up and down with anticipation when she saw the girl talk to her husband and then leave.

The man walked up the beach and met his wife at the road.

"Well, Is she selling drugs?" she asked excitedly in a hushed voice.

"No, she's not," he said, enjoying this probably more than he should have.

"Well, What is it, then? What does she do?" his wife fairly shrieked.

The man grinned and said, "She sells batteries."

"Batteries?!" cried the wife with astonishment.

"Yes,....." he replied calmly.

"She sells C cells by the seashore."

Southern Observations

If you are going to live or visit in the South, you need to know these
rules:
  1. That farm boy you see at the gas station did more work before breakfast than you do all week at the gym.
  2. It's called a "gravel road." No matter how slow you drive, you're going to get dust on your Navigator. Drive it or get out of the way.
  3. The red dirt -- it's called clay. Red clay. If you like the color don't wash your car for a couple weeks -- it'll be permanent.
  4. We all started hunting and fishing when we were seven years old. Yeah, we saw Bambi. We got over it.
  5. Go ahead and bring your $600 Orvis Fly Rod. Don't cry to us if a flathead breaks it off at the handle. We have a name for those little 13-inch trout you fish for -- bait.
  6. Pull your pants up. You look like an idiot.
  7. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of mallards are making their final approach, we will shoot it. You might want to ensure it's not up to your ear at the time.
  8. No, there's no "Vegetarian Special" on the menu. Order steak. Order it rare. Or, you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the two pounds of ham and turkey.
  9. Tea - yeah, we have tea. It comes in a glass over ice and is sweet. You want it hot -- sit it in the sun. You want it unsweetened -- add a lot of water.
  10. You bring Coke into my house, it better be brown, wet, and served over ice.
  11. So you have a sixty thousand-dollar car. We're real impressed. We have a quarter of a million-dollar combine that we only use two weeks a year.
  12. Let's get this straight. We have one stoplight in town. We stop when it's red. We may even stop when it's yellow.
  13. We don't do "hurry up" well.
  14. Greens - yeah, we have greens, but you don't putt on them. You boil them with salty fatback, bacon or a ham hock.
  15. Yeah, we eat catfish, bass, bream (pronounced brim) and carp. You really want sushi and caviar? It's available at the bait shop.
  16. They are pigs. That's what they smell like. Get over it. Don't like it? Interstate 85 goes two ways - Interstate 40 goes the other two. Pick
    one.
  17. Grits are corn. You put butter, salt, and maybe even some pepper on them. If you want to put milk and sugar on them, then you want Cream of Wheat - go to Kansas. That would be I-40 west.
  18. The "Opener" refers to the first day of deer season or dove season. Both are holidays. You can get pancakes, cane syrup, and sausage before daylight at the church on either day.
  19. So every person in every pickup waves? Yeah, it's called being friendly. Understand the concept?
  20. Yeah, we have golf courses. Don't hit in the water hazards. It spooks the fish and bothers the gators - and if you hit it in the rough, we have these things called diamondbacks, and they're not baseball players.
  21. That Highway Patrol Officer that just pulled you over for driving like an idiot -- his name is "Sir," no matter how young he is.
  22. We have lots of pine trees. They have sap. It drips from them. You park your Navigator under them, and they'll leave a logo on your hood.
  23. You burn an American flag in our state, you get beat up. No questions. The liberal contingent of our state legislature -- all four of them -- enacted a measure to stop this. There is now a $2.50 fine for beating up the flag burner.
  24. No, we don't care how you do things up North. If it is so great up there, why not visit a Northern state or stay there? And no, down here, we don't have an accent, you do.

Sunday, November 05, 2006

Triplets

A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when a masked robber ran out of a bank and shot her three times in the stomach.

Luckily the babies were OK. The surgeon decided to leave the bullets in because it was too risky to operate. She gave birth to two healthy daughters and a healthy son.

All was fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walked into the room in tears. "What's wrong?" asked the mother. "I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out," replied the daughter. The mother told her it was okay and explained what happened 16 years ago.

About a week later the second daughter walked into the room in tears. "Mom, I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out." Again the mother told her not to worry and explained what happened 16 years ago.

A week later her son walked into the room in tears. "It's okay" said the Mom, "I know what happened. You were taking a tinkle and a bullet came out."

"No," said the boy, "I was playing with myself and I shot the dog."

Ponderisms

  • I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
  • Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
  • The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
  • Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
  • There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.
  • Life is sexually transmitted.
  • Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
  • The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
  • Some people are like Slinkies--not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.
  • Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
  • Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days, no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?
  • Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
  • All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
  • In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
  • Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.
  • How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
  • Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
  • If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
  • Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?
  • Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
  • If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
  • If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
  • If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
  • Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
  • Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
  • Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
  • Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?
  • Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

Saturday, November 04, 2006

Catholic Vacation

Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation. They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy.

As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc. The next morning they went to the beach dressed in their "tourist" garb.

They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a "drop dead gorgeous" topless blonde in a thong bikini came walking straight towards them.

They couldn't help but stare.

As the blonde passed them she smiled and said, "Good Morning, Father. Good Morning, Father," nodding and addressing each of them individually, then she passed on by.

They were both stunned.

How in the world did she know they were priests?

So the next day, they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits. These were so loud you could hear them before you even saw them!

Once again, in their new attire, they settled on the beach in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine.

After a while, the same gorgeous topless blonde, wearing a different colored thong, taking her sweet time, came walking toward them.

Again she nodded at each of them, said, "Good morning, Father. Good Morning, Father," and started to walk away.

One of the priests couldn't stand it any longer and said, "Just a minute, young lady."

"Yes, Father?"

"We are priests and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world do you know we are priests, dressed as we are?"

She replied, "Father, it's me, Sister Mary Katherine."

Thursday, November 02, 2006

2nd Opinion

Bubba went to a psychiatrist. "I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy."

"Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the shrink.

"Come talk to me three times a week, and we should be able to get rid of those fears."

"How much do you charge?"

"Eighty dollars per visit, replied the doctor."

"I'll sleep on it," said Bubba.

Six months later the doctor met Bubba on the street. "Why didn't you ever come to see about those fears you were having?" asked the psychiatrist.

"Well, eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money I went and bought me a new pickup!"

"Is that so! And how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?"

"He told me to cut the legs off the bed! - Ain't nobody under there now!!!"

Sunday, October 29, 2006

Baseball

A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work. Unknown to her, her 9-year-old son was hiding in the closet.

Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet.

The boy now has company.

Boy: "Dark in here."

Man: "Yes it is."

Boy: "I have a baseball."

Man: "That's nice."

Boy: "Want to buy it?"

Man: "No, thanks."

Boy: "My dad's outside."

Man: "OK, how much?"

Boy: "$250."

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover are again in the closet together.

Boy: "Dark in here."

Man: "Yes, it is."

Boy: "I have a baseball glove."

Man: "How much?"

Boy: "$750."

Man: "Fine."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball."

The boy says, "I can't. I sold them."

The father asks: "How much did you sell them for?"

The son says, "$1,000."

The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."

They go to church and the father alerts the priest, and makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and closes the door.

The boy says, "Dark in here."

The priest says, "Don't start that shit again."

Popsicles & Sex

The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon "quickie" with their 8-year old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities.

He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation: There's a car being towed from the parking lot", he shouted.

"An ambulance just drove by" " Looks like the Anderson 's have company", he called out.

"Matt's riding a new bike"...."Looks like the Sanders are moving" ..."Jason is on his skate board...."

After a few moments he announced, "The Coopers are having sex!!"

Startled, his mother and dad shot up in bed! Dad cautiously called out, "How do you know they are having sex?"

"Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a popsicle."

Wednesday, October 25, 2006

Comments from 1955

  • "I'll tell you one thing, if things keep going the way they are, it's going to be impossible to buy a week's groceries for $20."
  • "Have you seen the new cars coming out next year? It won't be long before $2000 will only buy a used one."
  • "If cigarettes keep going up in price, I'm going to quit. A quarter a pack is ridiculous."
  • "Did you hear the post office is thinking about charging a dime just to mail a letter?"
  • "If they raise the minimum wage to $1, nobody will be able to hire outside help at the store."
  • "When I first started driving, who would have thought gas would someday cost 29 cents a gallon. Guess we'd be better off leaving the car in the garage."
  • "Kids today are impossible. Those duck tail hair cuts make it impossible to stay groomed. Next thing you know, boys will be wearing their hair as long as the girls."
  • "I'm afraid to send my kids to the movies any more. Ever since they let Clark Gable get by with saying 'damn' in 'Gone With The Wind,' it seems every new movie has either "hell" or "damn" in it.
  • "I read the other day where some scientist thinks it's possible to put a man on the moon by the end of the century. They even have some fellows they call astronauts preparing for it down in Texas."
  • "Did you see where some baseball player just signed a contract for $75,000 a year just to play ball? It wouldn't surprise me if someday they'll be making more than the president."
  • "I never thought I'd see the day all our kitchen appliances would be electric. They are even making electric typewriters now."
  • "It's too bad things are so tough nowadays. I see where a few married women are having to work to make ends meet."
  • "It won't be long before young couples are going to have to hire someone to watch their kids so they can both work."
  • "Marriage doesn't mean a thing any more; those Hollywood stars seem to be getting divorced at the drop of a hat."
  • "I'm just afraid the Volkswagen car is going to open the door to a whole lot of foreign business."
  • "Thank goodness I won't live to see the day when the Government takes half our income in taxes. I sometimes wonder if we are electing the best people to congress."
  • "The drive-in restaurant is convenient in nice weather, but I seriously doubt they will ever catch on."
  • "There is no sense going to Lincoln or Omaha anymore for a weekend. It costs nearly $15 a night to stay in a hotel."
  • "No one can afford to be sick any more; $35 a day in the hospital is too rich for my blood."
  • "If they think I'll pay 50 cents for a hair cut, forget it."

Tuesday, October 24, 2006

Pumpkins














Two Brooms

Two brooms were hanging in the closet and after a while they got to know each other so well, they decided to get married.

One broom was, of course, the bride broom, the other the groom broom.

The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress. The groom broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo. The wedding was lovely.

After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the bride-broom leaned over and said to the groom-broom, "I think I am going to have a little whisk broom!!!"

"IMPOSSIBLE !!" said the groom broom.

(Are you ready for this? Brace yourself; this is going to hurt.)



"WE HAVEN'T EVEN SWEPT TOGETHER!"

Monday, October 23, 2006

Cat Bowling

Umm, what? Yeah... That's right, I Said, Cat Bowling!!

Friday, October 20, 2006

Men Strike Back

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me..."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Why do men fart more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

(In my defense, I don't actually agree with this stuff, I just find it funny that a male mind could come up with these....)

Household Remedies

  1. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.
  2. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.
  3. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.
  4. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink.
  5. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.
  6. Have a bad headache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will forget about the headache.

Life Rules

You only need two tools:
WD-40 and Duct Tape.
--If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40.
--If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

Never pass up an opportunity to go to the bathroom.

If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You get another chance.

Wednesday, October 18, 2006

Barber

One day a florist goes to a barber for a haircut. After the cut he asked about his bill and the barber replies: "I'm sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I'm doing community service this week." The florist is pleased and leaves the shop.

Next morning when the barber goes to open his shop. There is a thank you card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay his bill the barber again replies: "I'm sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I'm doing community service this week." The cop is happy and leaves the shop.

Next morning when the barber goes to open up there is a thank you card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

Later a Republican comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay his bill the barber again replies: "I'm sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I'm doing community service this week." The Republican is very happy and leaves the shop.

Next morning when the barber goes to open, there is a thank you card and a dozen different books such as "How to Improve Your Business" and "Becoming More Successful."

Then a Democrat comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay his bill the barber again replies: "I'm sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I'm doing community service this week." The Democrat is very happy and leaves the shop.

The next morning when the barber goes to open up, there are a dozen Democrats lined up waiting for a free haircut.

And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between left and right.

Saturday, October 14, 2006

2006 Prom Dress


I didn't think they came in that many colors!!

Friday, October 13, 2006

You Know You're Addicted to Coffee if...

  • You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.
  • You sleep with your eyes open.
  • The only time you're standing still is during an earthquake.
  • You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away, without using the timer!
  • You've worn out your third pair of tennis shoes this week.
  • You have to watch videos & DVDs in fast-forward mode.
  • Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
  • You chew on other people's fingernails.
  • The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.
  • You're so jittery that people use your hands to blend their margaritas.
  • You can type sixty words per minute... with your feet!
  • You can jump-start your car without jumper cables.
  • You don't sweat, you percolate!
  • You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.
  • You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in!
  • You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.
  • People get dizzy just watching you.
  • Instant coffee takes too long.
  • You channel surf faster without a remote.
  • You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.
  • You can outlast the Energizer bunny.
  • You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore.
  • Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter Scale.
  • You help your dog chase its tail.
  • Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup.
  • You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.
  • You ski uphill.
  • You answer the door before people knock.
  • AND the SUREST surest sign that you are addicted to coffee...
    You get a speeding tickets even when you're parked!

The Usher

An elderly woman walked into the local country church. The friendly usher greeted her at the door and helped her up the flight of steps. "Where would you like to sit?" he asked politely.

"The front row please," she answered.

"You really don't want to do that," the usher said. "The pastor is really boring."

"Do you happen to know who I am?" the woman inquired.

"No." he said.

"I'm the pastor's mother," she replied indignantly

"Do you know who I am?" he asked.

"No." she said.

"Good," he answered.

The Picnic

A Jewish Rabbi and a Catholic Priest met at the town's annual 4th of July picnic. Old friends, they began their usual banter.

"This baked ham is really delicious," the priest teased the rabbi. "You really ought to try it. I know it's against your religion, but I can't understand why such a wonderful food should be forbidden! You don't know what you're missing. You just haven't lived until you'v e tried Mrs. Hall's prized Virginia Baked Ham. Tell me, Rabbi, when are you going to break down and try it?"

The rabbi looked at the priest with a big grin, and said, "At your wedding."

Brokeback Football

This was actually on TV...The commentators paused and didn't say a WORD...
Arkansas Razorback players Clarke Moore, Brett Goode and Casey Dick need to stop hanging out on the sidelines!

Thursday, October 12, 2006

April Fool

Defense Attorney:
Will you please state your age?

Little Old Lady:
I am 86 years old.

Defense Attorney:
Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?

Little Old Lady:
There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.

Defense Attorney:
Did you know him?

Little Old Lady:
No, but he sure was friendly.

Defense Attorney:
What happened after he sat down?

Little Old Lady:
He started to rub my thigh.

Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him?

Little Old Lady:
No, I didn't stop him.

Defense Attorney:
Why not?

Little Old Lady:
It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Bob died some 30 years ago.

Defense Attorney:
What happened next?

Little Old Lady:
He began to rub my breasts.

Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him then?

Little Old Lady:
No, I did not stop him.

Defense Attorney:
Why not?

Little Old Lady:
His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!

Defense Attorney:
What happened next?

Little Old Lady:
Well, by then, I was feeling really "spicy" that I just laid down and told him "Take me, young man. Take me!"

Defense Attorney:
Did he take you?

Little Old Lady:
Hell, no! He just yelled, "April Fool!" And that's when I shot him, the little bastard!

Wednesday, October 11, 2006

Monday, October 09, 2006

Ladies Night

Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out. Both were very faithful and loving wives, however they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers.

Incredibly drunk and walking home, they needed to pee. So they decided to stop in a nearby cemetery.

Having nothing to wipe with, one of them thought she would take off her panties and use them. Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them, but was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that.

After the girls did their business they proceeded to go home.

The next day one of the women's husbands was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said, "These damn girl's nights out have got to stop. I'm starting to suspect the worst. My wife came home with no panties!"

"That's nothing", said the other husband, "Mine came back with a card stuck between her butt cheeks that said: "From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you."

Finishing Things

By following the simple advice I heard on a Dr. Phil show, I have finally found inner peace.

Dr. Phil proclaimed the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started.

So I looked around my house to see things I started and hadn't finished; and, before leaving the house this morning I finished off;
  • a bottle of Merlot,
  • a bottle of Chardonnay,
  • a bottle of Baileys,
  • a bottle of Kahlua,
  • a package of Rolo's,
  • the remainder of a Valium prescription,
  • half a pack of Benson & Hedges,
  • the rest of the Cheesecake,
  • some Saltines and a box of Chocolates.

You have no idea how good I feel.

Monday, October 02, 2006

I wish this were a joke

  • Each American occupies 20 percent more developed land -- housing, schools, shopping and roads -- than 20 years ago.
  • Each American uses three times as much water as the world average; over half the original wetlands in the United States have been lost, mainly due to urban and suburban development and agriculture.
  • Half the continental United States can no longer support its original vegetation; nearly 1,000 plant and animal species are listed by the U.S. government as endangered or threatened, with 85 percent of those due to habitat loss or alteration.
  • The United States consumes nearly 25 percent of the world's energy, though it has only 5 percent of the world's population, and has the highest per capita oil consumption worldwide.
  • Each American produces about 5 pounds (2.3 kilogram) of trash a day, up from about 3 pounds (1.4 kilogram) in 1960; the current rate is about five times that in developing countries.

source

Yorkshire Airlines

Saturday, September 30, 2006

Age & Experience

A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles, along for the company.

One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that she's lost. Wandering about, she notices a leopard heading rapidly in her direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, she immediately settles down to chew on the bones with her back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!", says the leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!"

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.

The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"

Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with her back to her attackers, pretending she hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the oldpoodle says: "Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!"

Morals of this story:

Don't mess with old farts: age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill!

Bullshit and brilliance only come with age and experience!

Stranger In The House

A few months before I was born, my Dad met a stranger who was new to our small Tennessee town. From the beginning, Dad was fascinated with this enchanting newcomer and soon invited him to live with our family. The stranger was quickly accepted and was around to welcome me into the world a few months later.

As I grew up, I never questioned his place in my family. In my young mind,he had a special niche. My parents were complimentary instructors: Mom taught me the word of God, and Dad taught me to obey it. But the stranger was our storyteller. He would keep us spellbound for hours on end with adventures, mysteries and comedies.

If I wanted to know anything about politics, history or science, he always knew the answers about the past, understood the present and even seemed able to predict the future! He took my family to the first major league ball game. He made me laugh, and he made me cry. The stranger never stopped talking, but Dad didn't seem to mind.

Sometimes, Mom would get up quietly while the rest of us were shushing each other to listen to what he had to say, and she would go to her room and read her books (I wonder now if she ever prayed for the stranger to leave.)

Dad ruled our household with certain moral convictions, but the stranger never felt obligated to honor them.

Profanity, for example, was not allowed in our home... not from us, our friends or any visitors. Our longtime visitor however, got away with four-letter words that burned my ears and made my dad squirm and my mother blush.

My Dad was as a teetotaler who didn't permit alcohol in the home, not even for cooking. But the stranger encouraged us to try it on a regular basis.

He made cigarettes look cool, cigars manly and pipes distinguished. He talked freely (much too freely!) about sex. His comments were sometimes blatant, sometimes suggestive, and generally embarrassing.

I now know that my early concepts about relationships were influenced strongly by the stranger. Time after time, he opposed the values of my parents, yet he was seldom rebuked... and NEVER asked to leave.

More than fifty years have passed since the stranger moved in with our family. He has blended right in and is not nearly as fascinating as he was at first. Still, if you were to walk into my parent's den today, you would find him sitting over in his corner, waiting for someone to listen to him talk and watch him draw his pictures.

His name?.... We just call him, "TV."

He has a younger sister now. We call her, "computer".

It Could Happen!

A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for $150." The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.

The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150?"

The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."

Monday, September 25, 2006

Marriage

For all those men who say, "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free", here's an update for you. Now 80% of women are against marriage, Why? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig, just to get a little sausage.

Women over 40

Why Older Chicks Rule by Andy Rooney from CBS "60 Minutes". This is for all you girls 40 years and over... and for those who are turning 40, and for those who are scared of moving into their 50's...AND 60's and for guys who are scared of girls over 40!!!

Andy Rooney says: As I grow in age, I value women who are over 40 most of all.

Here are just a few reasons why:

A woman over 40 will never wake you in the middle of the night to ask, "What are you thinking?" She doesn't care what you think.

If a woman over 40 doesn't want to watch the game, she doesn't sit around whining about it. She does something she wants to do. And, it's usually something more interesting. A woman over 40 knows herself well enough to be assured in who she is, what she is, what she wants and from whom.

Few women past the age of 40 give a hoot what you might think about her or what she's doing.

Women over 40 are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match with you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant. Of course, if you deserve it, they won't hesitate to shoot you, if they think they can get away with it.

Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved. They know what it's like to be unappreciated.

A woman over 40 has the self-assurance to introduce you to her women friends. A younger woman with a man will often ignore even her best friend because she doesn't trust the guy with other women. Women over 40 couldn't care less if you're attracted to her friends because she knows her friends won't betray her.

Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins to a woman over 40. They always know.

A woman over 40 looks good wearing bright red lipstick. This is not true of younger women.

Once you get past a wrinkle or two, a woman over 40 is far sexier than her younger counterpart.

Older women are forthright and honest. They'll tell you right off if you are a jerk, if you are acting like one! You don't ever have to wonder where you stand with her

Yes, we praise women over 40 for a multitude of reasons. Unfortunately, it's not reciprocal. For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed hot woman of 40+, there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 22-year-old waitress.

Sunday, September 24, 2006

They Walk Among Us!

Some guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying: "Free to good home. You want it, you take it." For three days the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it. He eventually decided that people were too un-trusting of this deal. It looked to good to be true, so he changed the sign to read: "Fridge for sale $50." The next day someone stole it.
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While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent which direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, "Does the sun rise in the north?" When my brother explained that the sun rises in the east, and has for sometime, she shook her head and said, "Oh, I don't keep up with that stuff."
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I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was open. I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week." He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?" Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, "Uh, Pacific" . .
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My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria, when we overheard one of the administrative assistants talking about the sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the shore. She drove down in a convertible, but "didn't think she'd get sunburned because the car was moving"...
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My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car it's designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk...
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My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the cases were discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The cashier multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount....
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I was hanging out with a friend when we saw a woman with a nose ring attached to an earring by a chain. My friend said, "Wouldn't the chain rip out every time she turned her head?" I explained that a person's nose and ear remain the same distance apart no matter which way the head is turned...
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I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands. "Now," she asked me, "has your plane arrived yet?"...
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While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before responding. "Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces."

They walk among us, AND reproduce!

Wednesday, September 20, 2006

Lipstick in School

According to a news report, a certain school in Garden City, MI was recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the washroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day, the girls would put them back.

Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. He called all the girls to the washroom and met them there with the maintenance man. He explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night.

To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, he asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet bowl, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

THE MORAL OF THIS STORY...

There are Teachers, and then there are Educators!

High-Tech Bar

A man walked into a very high-tech bar. As he sat down on a stool he noticed that the bartender was a robot.

The robot clicked to attention and asked, "Sir, what will you have?"

The man thought a moment then replied, "A martini please."

The robot clicked a couple of times and mixed the best martini the man had ever had.

The robot then asked, "Sir, what is your IQ?"

The man answered "Oh, about 164."

The robot then proceeded to discuss the 'theory of relativity', 'interstellar space travel', 'the latest medical break throughs', etc.......

The man was most impressed. He left the bar but thought he would try a different tack.

He returned and took a seat. Again the robot clicked and asked what he would have? "A Martini please."

Again it was superb! The robot again asked "What is your IQ sir?"

This time the man answered, "Oh about 100."

So the robot started discussing NASCAR racing, the latest basketball scores, and what to expect the Dodgers to do this week end.

The guy had to try it one more time. So he left, returned and took a stool.... Again a martini, and the question, "What is your IQ?"

This time the man drawled out "Uh..... bout 50."

The robot clicked then leaned close and very slowly asked,

"A-r-e......... y-o-u-r......... p-e-o-p-l-e..........g-o-i-n-g...........t-o........ n-o-m-i-n-a-t-e.......... H-i-l-l-a-r-y-?????"

Sunday, September 17, 2006

New Study

A girl says to her boyfriend, "I read a study that said 90 percent of all men masturbate in the shower and the other 10 percent sing."

"Really?" said the boyfriend.

"Yes," said the girlfriend, "and do you know what song they sing?"

"No," replied the boyfriend.

"I didn't think so," she said.

Saturday, September 16, 2006

A Love Story

This 80 year old woman was arrested for shop lifting. When she went before the judge he asked her, "What did you steal?" She replied, "A can of peaches."

The judge then asked her why she had stolen the can of peaches and she replied that she was hungry. The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can. She replied 6.

The judge then said, "I will then give you 6 days in jail."

Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment, the woman's husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something. The judge said, "What is it?"

The husband said, "She also stole a can of peas."

A Child's View of the Sea

A number of primary schools were doing a project on "The Sea." Kids were asked to draw pictures or write about their experiences. Teachers got together to compare the results and put together some of the 'better' ones.
  • This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly age 6)
  • Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea because I think they have to plug themselves in to chargers. (Christopher age 7)
  • Oysters' balls are called pearls. (James age 6)
  • If you are surrounded by sea you are an Island. If you don't have Sea all around you, you are incontinent. (Wayne age 7)
  • I think sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She's not my friend no more. (Kyle age 6)
  • A dolphin breathes through an asshole on the top of its head. (Billy age 8)
  • When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes, when the wind didn't blow the sailors would whistle To make the wind come. My brother said they would be better off eating beans. (William age 7)
  • I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their shiny tails. How do mermaids get pregnant? (Helen age 6)
  • When you go swimming in the sea, it is very cold, and it makes my willy shrink. (Kevin age 6)

A Priest and a Rabbi

A priest and a rabbi operated a church and a synagogue across the street from each other. Since their schedules intertwined, they decided to go in together to buy a car.

After the purchase, they drove it home and parked it on the street between them.

A few minutes later, the rabbi looked out and saw the priest sprinkling water on their new car. It didn't need a wash, so he hurried out and asked the priest what he was doing.

"I'm blessing it," the priest replied.

The rabbi considered this for a moment, then went back inside the synagogue.

He reappeared a moment later with a hacksaw, walked over to the back of the car and cut off two inches of the tailpipe.

Dictionary

Dictionary for Decoding Women's Personal Ads:

40-ish ........................ 49
Adventurous ............... Slept with everyone.
Athletic ...................... No breasts
Average looking .......... Moooo
Beautiful .................... Pathological liar.
Emotionally Secure .... On medication
Feminist .................... Fat
Free spirit .................. Junkie
Friendship first ........... Former slut
New-Age ................... Body hair in the wrong places
Old-Fashioned ........... No BJs
Open-minded ............. Desperate
Outgoing ................... Loud and Embarrassing.
Professional .............. Bitch
Looking for Soul Mate ..Stalker

WOMEN'S ENGLISH:
  1. Yes = No
  2. No = Yes
  3. Maybe = No
  4. We need = I want.
  5. I am sorry = You'll be sorry
  6. We need to talk = You're in trouble
  7. Sure, go ahead = You better not...
  8. Do what you want = You'll pay for this later...
  9. I am not upset = Of course, I'm upset, you f***ing a**hole!!
  10. You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?

MEN'S ENGLISH:
  1. I am hungry = I am hungry.
  2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy.
  3. I am tired = I am tired.
  4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage.
  5. I love you = Let's have sex now.
  6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
  7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you.
  8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you.
  9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you.
  10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you.
  11. I don't think those shoes go with that outfit = I'm gay.

Friday, September 15, 2006

Toothbrushes

The kids filed back into class Monday morning.

They were very excited.

Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship.

Little Sally led off:

"I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success."

"Very good," said the teacher.

Little Jenny was next:

"I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events."

"Very good, Jenny," said the teacher.

Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn.

The teacher held her breath.

Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk.

"$2,467," he said.

"$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?"

"Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny.

"Toothbrushes," echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough toothbrushes to make that much money?"

"I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny,

"I set up a Dip & Chip stand. I gave everybody who walked by a sample."

They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like shit!"

Then I would say, "It is shit. Wanna buy a toothbrush?"

Wednesday, September 13, 2006

The New Supermarket

The new Supermarket near our house has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain

When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and there is a scent of fresh hay.

When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.

The veggie department features the smell of fresh buttered corn.

We don't buy toilet paper there any more.

Sex

A hippy gets on a bus and spies a pretty young nun.

He sits down next to her, and asks her: "Can we have sex ?"

"No," she replies, "I'm married to God."

She then stands up, and gets off at the next stop.

The bus driver, who overheard, turns to the hippy and says, "I can tell you how to have sex with her!"

"Yeah?", says the hippy.

"Yeah", says the bus driver. "She goes to the cemetery every Tuesday night at midnight to pray. So all you have to do is dress up in a robe with a hood, put some of that luminous powder stuff in your beard, and pop up in the cemetery claiming to be God."

The hippy decides to give it a try, and arrives in the cemetery dressed as suggested on the next Tuesday night.

"I am God," he declares to the nun, keeping the hood low about his face, "I have ordained it. You must have sex with me."

The nun agrees without question, but begs him to restrict himself to anal sex, as she is desperate not to lose her virginity.

God agrees, and promptly has his wicked way with her.

As he finishes, he jumps up and throws back his hood with a flourish.

"Ha-ha!," he cries. "I am the hippy!"

"Ha-ha!," cries the nun.

"I'm the bus driver."