Saturday, November 12, 2005
Midnight in the Pumpkin Patch
A 27-year-old white male resident of Wimbledon was arrested in a pumpkin patch on Friday, and charged with lewd behavior, public indecency, and public intoxication.
The suspect stated that he was driving past a pumpkin patch when he was overcome with an insatiable desire. "You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around here for miles. At least I thought there wasn't," he stated in a jailhouse interview.
He pulled over, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purposes, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged need. "I guess I was just really into it," he commented with evident embarrassment.
The man failed to notice the approach of a Wimbledon Municipal police car, and was unaware of his audience until Officer Brenda Taylor approached him.
"It was an unusual situation, that's for sure." said the officer. "I walked up and he's just working away at this pumpkin. I went up and said, 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you are screwing a pumpkin?' He was startled at first, then he looked me straight in the face and said, 'A pumpkin? Damn, is it midnight already?'"
The suspect stated that he was driving past a pumpkin patch when he was overcome with an insatiable desire. "You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around here for miles. At least I thought there wasn't," he stated in a jailhouse interview.
He pulled over, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purposes, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged need. "I guess I was just really into it," he commented with evident embarrassment.
The man failed to notice the approach of a Wimbledon Municipal police car, and was unaware of his audience until Officer Brenda Taylor approached him.
"It was an unusual situation, that's for sure." said the officer. "I walked up and he's just working away at this pumpkin. I went up and said, 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you are screwing a pumpkin?' He was startled at first, then he looked me straight in the face and said, 'A pumpkin? Damn, is it midnight already?'"
A Healthy Level of Insanity
- At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and Point A Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.
- Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise your Voice.
- Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They Want Fries with That.
- Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It "In."
- Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Once Everyone Has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch To Espresso.
- In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write "For Sexual Favors"
- Finish all Your Sentences With "In Accordance With The Prophecy."
- Dont use any punctuation
- As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.
- Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is "To Go."
- Sing Along At The Opera.
- Go To A Poetry Recital And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme
- Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And Play Tropical Sounds All Day.
- When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream "I Won!, I Won!"
- When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking Lot, Yelling "Run For Your Lives, They're Loose!!"
- Tell Your Children Over Dinner. "Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go."
The Van Gogh Family Tree
His dizzy aunt ------------------------------------------------------------ Verty Gogh
The brother who ate prunes ----------------------------------------- Gotta Gogh
The brother who worked at a convenience store------------- Stopan Gogh
The grandfather from Yugoslavia -------------------------------- Hugh Gogh
The cousin from Illinois ---------------------------------------------- Chica Gogh
His magician uncle ---------------------------------------------------- Where Diddy Gogh
His Mexican cousin -------------------------------------------------- Amee Gogh
The Mexican cousin's American half-brother ---------------- Gring Gogh
The nephew who drove a stage coach ------------------------ Wells Far Gogh
The constipated uncle ---------------------------------------------- Cant Gogh
The ballroom dancing aunt ---------------------------------------- Tang Gogh
The bird lover uncle -------------------------------------------------- Flamin Gogh
The singing uncle with the gambling problem ---------------- Bing Gogh
The fruit loving cousin ----------------------------------------------- Man Gogh
An aunt who taught positive thinking---------------------------- Wayto Gogh
The little bouncy nephew ------------------------------------------- Poe Gogh
A sister who loved disco ------------------------------------------- Gogh Gogh
And his niece who travels the country ------------------------ Winnie Bay Gogh
---------------------------------- And there ya Gogh!!
The brother who ate prunes ----------------------------------------- Gotta Gogh
The brother who worked at a convenience store------------- Stopan Gogh
The grandfather from Yugoslavia -------------------------------- Hugh Gogh
The cousin from Illinois ---------------------------------------------- Chica Gogh
His magician uncle ---------------------------------------------------- Where Diddy Gogh
His Mexican cousin -------------------------------------------------- Amee Gogh
The Mexican cousin's American half-brother ---------------- Gring Gogh
The nephew who drove a stage coach ------------------------ Wells Far Gogh
The constipated uncle ---------------------------------------------- Cant Gogh
The ballroom dancing aunt ---------------------------------------- Tang Gogh
The bird lover uncle -------------------------------------------------- Flamin Gogh
The singing uncle with the gambling problem ---------------- Bing Gogh
The fruit loving cousin ----------------------------------------------- Man Gogh
An aunt who taught positive thinking---------------------------- Wayto Gogh
The little bouncy nephew ------------------------------------------- Poe Gogh
A sister who loved disco ------------------------------------------- Gogh Gogh
And his niece who travels the country ------------------------ Winnie Bay Gogh
---------------------------------- And there ya Gogh!!
The Fourth Affair
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. "Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner." Then she quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered.
"Just pretend you're a statue."
"What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.
"Oh it's a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smith's bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too."
No more was said about the statue, not even later when they went to sleep. Around two in the morning, the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk.
"Here," he said to the statue, "eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smith's for three days and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."
"Just pretend you're a statue."
"What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.
"Oh it's a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smith's bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too."
No more was said about the statue, not even later when they went to sleep. Around two in the morning, the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk.
"Here," he said to the statue, "eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smith's for three days and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."
The Lawyer & the Cop
A Lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Sheriff's Deputy. He thinks that he is smarter than the Deputy because he is sure that he has a better education. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the deputy's expense...........
Deputy says, "License and registration, please."
Lawyer says, "What for?"
Deputy says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign "
Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."
Deputy says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and registration, please."
Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"
Deputy says, "The difference is, you have to come to a complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!"
Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket, if not you let me go and no ticket."
Deputy says, "Exit your vehicle, sir."
At this point, the Deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the ever-loving crap out of the Lawyer and says:
"DO YOU WANT ME TO STOP OR JUST SLOW DOWN?"
Deputy says, "License and registration, please."
Lawyer says, "What for?"
Deputy says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign "
Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."
Deputy says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and registration, please."
Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"
Deputy says, "The difference is, you have to come to a complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!"
Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket, if not you let me go and no ticket."
Deputy says, "Exit your vehicle, sir."
At this point, the Deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the ever-loving crap out of the Lawyer and says:
"DO YOU WANT ME TO STOP OR JUST SLOW DOWN?"
Friday, November 11, 2005
Apples and Grapes
Women are like apples. The best ones are still on the tree. Many men don't want to climb up for the good ones because they're afraid they might fall and get hurt. Instead, they just grab the rotten apples from the ground because they're easy to pick up. The apples on the tree think something must be wrong with them, when, in reality, they're amazing and delicious. They just have to be patient and hope a brave man comes along - one who is willing to climb the tree.
Now Men . . . Good men are like a fine wine. They begin as grapes, and it's up to women to stomp the shit out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.
Now Men . . . Good men are like a fine wine. They begin as grapes, and it's up to women to stomp the shit out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.
The Third Affair
A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated.
As he examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, who was about to be cremated, he made an amazing discovery. Schwartz had the longest private part he had ever seen!
"I'm sorry, Mr. Schwartz", said the mortician, "but I can't send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge private part like this. It has to be saved for posterity."
With that, the coroner used his tools to remove the dead man's schlong. He stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home. The first person he showed it to was his wife. "I have something to show you that you won't believe," he said, and opened up his briefcase.
"Oh my God!" the wife screamed, "Schwartz is dead!"
As he examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, who was about to be cremated, he made an amazing discovery. Schwartz had the longest private part he had ever seen!
"I'm sorry, Mr. Schwartz", said the mortician, "but I can't send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge private part like this. It has to be saved for posterity."
With that, the coroner used his tools to remove the dead man's schlong. He stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home. The first person he showed it to was his wife. "I have something to show you that you won't believe," he said, and opened up his briefcase.
"Oh my God!" the wife screamed, "Schwartz is dead!"
The Second Affair
There was a middle-aged couple that had two stunningly beautiful teenage daughters. The couple decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. After months of trying, the wife finally got pregnant and sure enough, delivered a healthy baby boy nine months later.
The joyful father rushed into the nursery to see his new son. He took one look and was horrified to see the ugliest child he had ever seen.
He went to his wife and told her there was no way he could be the father of that child. "Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!" Then he gave her a stern look and asked, "Have you been fooling around on me?"
The wife just smiled sweetly and said, "Not this time!"
The joyful father rushed into the nursery to see his new son. He took one look and was horrified to see the ugliest child he had ever seen.
He went to his wife and told her there was no way he could be the father of that child. "Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!" Then he gave her a stern look and asked, "Have you been fooling around on me?"
The wife just smiled sweetly and said, "Not this time!"
The First Affair
A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around 8pm. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home.
"Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house.
"Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock."
The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!"
"Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house.
"Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock."
The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!"
Anagrams
Some of these are kinda old, but they're still funny....
______________________________________
DORMITORY
When you rearrange the letters: DIRTY ROOM
PRESBYTERIAN
When you rearrange the letters: BEST IN PRAYER
ASTRONOMER
When you rearrange the letters: MOON STARER
DESPERATION
When you rearrange the letters: A ROPE ENDS IT
THE EYES
When you rearrange the letters: THEY SEE
GEORGE BUSH
When you rearrange the letters: HE BUGS GORE
THE MORSE CODE
When you rearrange the letters: HERE COME DOTS
SLOT MACHINES
When you rearrange the letters: CASH LOST IN ME
ANIMOSITY
When you rearrange the letters: IS NO AMITY
ELECTION RESULTS
When you rearrange the letters: LIES - LET'S RECOUNT
MOTHER-IN-LAW
When you rearrange the letters: WOMAN HITLER
SNOOZE ALARMS
When you rearrange the letters: ALAS! NO MORE Z'S
A DECIMAL POINT
When you rearrange the letters: IM A DOT IN PLACE
THE EARTHQUAKES
When you rearrange the letters: THAT QUEER SHAKE
ELEVEN PLUS TWO
When you rearrange the letters: TWELVE PLUS ONE
AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:
PRESIDENT CLINTON OF THE USA:
When you rearrange the letters (With no letters left over and using each letter only once): TO COPULATE HE FINDS INTERNS
______________________________________
DORMITORY
When you rearrange the letters: DIRTY ROOM
PRESBYTERIAN
When you rearrange the letters: BEST IN PRAYER
ASTRONOMER
When you rearrange the letters: MOON STARER
DESPERATION
When you rearrange the letters: A ROPE ENDS IT
THE EYES
When you rearrange the letters: THEY SEE
GEORGE BUSH
When you rearrange the letters: HE BUGS GORE
THE MORSE CODE
When you rearrange the letters: HERE COME DOTS
SLOT MACHINES
When you rearrange the letters: CASH LOST IN ME
ANIMOSITY
When you rearrange the letters: IS NO AMITY
ELECTION RESULTS
When you rearrange the letters: LIES - LET'S RECOUNT
MOTHER-IN-LAW
When you rearrange the letters: WOMAN HITLER
SNOOZE ALARMS
When you rearrange the letters: ALAS! NO MORE Z'S
A DECIMAL POINT
When you rearrange the letters: IM A DOT IN PLACE
THE EARTHQUAKES
When you rearrange the letters: THAT QUEER SHAKE
ELEVEN PLUS TWO
When you rearrange the letters: TWELVE PLUS ONE
AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:
PRESIDENT CLINTON OF THE USA:
When you rearrange the letters (With no letters left over and using each letter only once): TO COPULATE HE FINDS INTERNS
Single Black Female
This has to be one of the best singles ads ever printed. It is reported to have been listed in the Atlanta Journal.
SINGLE BLACK FEMALE seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant. I'm a very good girl who LOVES to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping and fishing trips, cozy winter nights lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. I'll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me. Call (404) 875-6420 and ask for Daisy, I'll be waiting....
Over 15,000 men found themselves talking to the Atlanta Humane Society about an 8-week-old black Labrador
SINGLE BLACK FEMALE seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant. I'm a very good girl who LOVES to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping and fishing trips, cozy winter nights lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. I'll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me. Call (404) 875-6420 and ask for Daisy, I'll be waiting....Over 15,000 men found themselves talking to the Atlanta Humane Society about an 8-week-old black Labrador
Accident at the Rehersal Dinner
The night before they were to be married a young couple was in a fatal car accident on their way to the church rehearsal.
The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.
While they sat there, still deeply in love, they wondered: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter showed up, they asked him.
St. Peter said, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out," and he left.
The young couple sat and waited for an answer. Weeks passed. While they waited, they pondered and discussed many related questions: "IF they were allowed to get married in Heaven, SHOULD they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all." "What if it doesn't work?" They wondered, "Are we stuck together FOREVER?"
After a month, St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informed the couple, "you CAN get married in Heaven."
"Great!" Said the couple, "But we were just wondering; what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"
"OH, COME ON!" St. Peter shouted, "It took me five weeks to find a priest up here!.......do you have ANY idea how long it'll take to find a lawyer?"
The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.
While they sat there, still deeply in love, they wondered: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter showed up, they asked him.
St. Peter said, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out," and he left.
The young couple sat and waited for an answer. Weeks passed. While they waited, they pondered and discussed many related questions: "IF they were allowed to get married in Heaven, SHOULD they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all." "What if it doesn't work?" They wondered, "Are we stuck together FOREVER?"
After a month, St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informed the couple, "you CAN get married in Heaven."
"Great!" Said the couple, "But we were just wondering; what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"
"OH, COME ON!" St. Peter shouted, "It took me five weeks to find a priest up here!.......do you have ANY idea how long it'll take to find a lawyer?"
Driver's License
A mother is driving a little girl to her friend's house for a play date.
"Mommy," the little girl asks, "how old are you?"
"Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,"the mother replied.
"It's not polite."
"OK", the little girl says, "How much do you weigh?"
"Now really," the mother says, "Those are personal questions and are really none of your business."
Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?"
"That is enough questions, young lady, honestly!"
The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.
"My Mom won't tell me anything about her," the little girl says to her friend.
"Well," says the friend, "all you need to do is look at her drivers' license It is like a report card, it has everything on it."
Later that night the little girl says to her mother, "I know how old you are, you are 32."
The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out?
"I also know that you weigh 140 pounds."
The mother is past surprised and shocked now. "How in heaven's name did you find that out?"
"And," the little girl says triumphantly, "I know why you and daddy got a divorce."
"Oh really?" the mother asks. "Why?"
"Because you got an F in sex."
"Mommy," the little girl asks, "how old are you?"
"Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,"the mother replied.
"It's not polite."
"OK", the little girl says, "How much do you weigh?"
"Now really," the mother says, "Those are personal questions and are really none of your business."
Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?"
"That is enough questions, young lady, honestly!"
The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.
"My Mom won't tell me anything about her," the little girl says to her friend.
"Well," says the friend, "all you need to do is look at her drivers' license It is like a report card, it has everything on it."
Later that night the little girl says to her mother, "I know how old you are, you are 32."
The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out?
"I also know that you weigh 140 pounds."
The mother is past surprised and shocked now. "How in heaven's name did you find that out?"
"And," the little girl says triumphantly, "I know why you and daddy got a divorce."
"Oh really?" the mother asks. "Why?"
"Because you got an F in sex."
Thursday, November 10, 2005
'Twas The Night Before Wilma
I don't know who wrote this. I didn't. I don't take any credit for it. But it's funny!
'Twas the night before Wilma, when all through the state
Not a gas pump was pumping, Not a store open late
All the plywood was hung, on the windows with care,
Knowing that a hurricane, Soon would be there
The children were ready with their flashlight in hand
While rain bands from the hurricane covered over our land
And Mom with her Mag-lite, and me and my cap
Had just filled the bathtub for flushing our crap..
When out on the lawn, there arose such a clatter
I sprang from the closet to see what was the matter
The trees on the terrace, and the neighbor's roof torn,
We feared we'd be dying in this terrible storm.
With a little wind gust, so lively and quick,
I remembered quite clearly our walls were not brick
More rapid than Eagles, her courses they changed!
And she whistled and wafted and surged all the same.
Off shingles! Off sidings! Off rooftops! Off power!
Down trees! Down fences! Down trailers! Down towers!
In the center of Florida, she continued to maul,
Screaming Blow away! Blow away! Blow away all!
As wind ripped and tossed, the debris through the sky,
I peeked out the shutters at the cars floating by.
So go to the safe room my family did do,
With a portable radio and some batteries too.
And then in a twinkling, I heard on the set,
The end was not coming for a few hours yet!
As I calmed down the kids and was turning around
Through the window it came with a huge crashing sound
A tree branch it was all covered in soot
The wind blew it smack-dab on top of my foot!
A bundle of twigs now lay in a stack
And my Living Room looked like it was under attack.
The wind how it howled, the storm very scary,
Myself and my family were all too unwary.
The dangers of hurricanes are serious you know,
They are taken for granted as Frances did show.
With the winds dying down and the danger beneath,
I noticed my tool shed was missing its sheath
So I grabbed my last tarp, and nailed it on down,
Then I got in my car and drove into town.
The traffic was awful and stores had no ice,
My 5-gallon cooler would have to suffice
Generators were scarce, not one left in town,
There were trees on the roads and power lines down.
FEMA was ready with people to work,
Electrical companies came in from New York.
I sprang to the car, and gave my family a whistle,
Then away we all went like a Tomahawk missile!
You could hear us exclaim as we drove out of sight,
"The hell with this place, Vermont seems just right!
'Twas the night before Wilma, when all through the state
Not a gas pump was pumping, Not a store open late
All the plywood was hung, on the windows with care,
Knowing that a hurricane, Soon would be there
The children were ready with their flashlight in hand
While rain bands from the hurricane covered over our land
And Mom with her Mag-lite, and me and my cap
Had just filled the bathtub for flushing our crap..
When out on the lawn, there arose such a clatter
I sprang from the closet to see what was the matter
The trees on the terrace, and the neighbor's roof torn,
We feared we'd be dying in this terrible storm.
With a little wind gust, so lively and quick,
I remembered quite clearly our walls were not brick
More rapid than Eagles, her courses they changed!
And she whistled and wafted and surged all the same.
Off shingles! Off sidings! Off rooftops! Off power!
Down trees! Down fences! Down trailers! Down towers!
In the center of Florida, she continued to maul,
Screaming Blow away! Blow away! Blow away all!
As wind ripped and tossed, the debris through the sky,
I peeked out the shutters at the cars floating by.
So go to the safe room my family did do,
With a portable radio and some batteries too.
And then in a twinkling, I heard on the set,
The end was not coming for a few hours yet!
As I calmed down the kids and was turning around
Through the window it came with a huge crashing sound
A tree branch it was all covered in soot
The wind blew it smack-dab on top of my foot!
A bundle of twigs now lay in a stack
And my Living Room looked like it was under attack.
The wind how it howled, the storm very scary,
Myself and my family were all too unwary.
The dangers of hurricanes are serious you know,
They are taken for granted as Frances did show.
With the winds dying down and the danger beneath,
I noticed my tool shed was missing its sheath
So I grabbed my last tarp, and nailed it on down,
Then I got in my car and drove into town.
The traffic was awful and stores had no ice,
My 5-gallon cooler would have to suffice
Generators were scarce, not one left in town,
There were trees on the roads and power lines down.
FEMA was ready with people to work,
Electrical companies came in from New York.
I sprang to the car, and gave my family a whistle,
Then away we all went like a Tomahawk missile!
You could hear us exclaim as we drove out of sight,
"The hell with this place, Vermont seems just right!
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