Saturday, March 11, 2006

The Lutheran

Eino, a Finlander from Cook County in northern Minnesota - was an older, single gentleman who was born and raised a Lutheran. Each Friday night after work, he would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a venison steak.

Now, all of Eino's neighbors were Catholic.....and since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat on Fridays. The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest.

The priest came to visit Eino, and suggested that Eino convert to Catholicism. After several classes and much study, Eino attended Mass.....and as the priest sprinkled holy water over Eino, he said, "You were born a Lutheran and raised a Lutheran, but now you are Catholic."

Eino's neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived, and the wonderful aroma of grilled venison filled the neighborhood.

The priest was called immediately by the neighbors and, as he rushed into Eino's yard, clutching a rosary and prepared to scold Eino, he stopped in amazement and watched......

There stood Eino, clutching a small bottle of water which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat, and chanted: "You were born a deer, and raised a deer, but now you are a walleye."

Not His Day

While walking through the Northern California woods, a man came up to another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the tree. Seeing this he inquired, "Just out of curiosity, what the heck are you doing?"

"I'm listening to the music of the tree," the tree hugger replied.

"You gotta be kiddin' me" the walker said.

"Oh no", says the hugger, "would you like to give it a try?"

Understandably curious, the walker says, "Well, OK..." So he wrapped his arms around the tree and pressed his ear up against it.

With this the other guy slapped a pair of handcuffs on him, took his wallet, jewelry, car keys,and then stripped him naked and left.

Two hours later another nature lover strolled by, saw this guy handcuffed to the tree stark naked, and asked, "What the hell happened to you?"

He tells the guy the whole story about how he got there. When he finished telling his story, the other guy shook his head in sympathy, walked around behind him, kissed him behind the ear and said, "This just ain't gonna be your day, pal."

The Pearly Gates

A preacher dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket and jeans. Saint Peter addresses this cool guy, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?"

The guy replies, "I'm Peter the Pilot, retired Delta Airlines Pilot from Miami."

Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the pilot, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom."

The pilot goes into Heaven with his robe and staff.

Next it's the preacher's turn. He stands erect and booms out, "I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary's in Pasadena for the last 43 years."

Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the preacher, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom."

"Just a minute," says the preacher. "that man was a pilot and he gets a silken robe and golden staff, and I get only cotton and wood? How can this be?"

"Up here, we work by results," says Saint Peter, "while you preached, people slept. While he flew, people prayed."

A Couple of Aviation Stories

One evening at happy hour at the Ft. Riley officer's club, a buddy of mine who was an Army pilot told me a hilarious story. He said they'd been sent to Kansas City International Airport to pick up some people. When they got near, they radioed the tower for instruction.

Army xxx, flight of three, requesting landing instructions for the private terminal. The tower radioed back that they were number three to land following two commercial flights. A moment later the tower radioed again, voice rising in near panic, Army xxx, we show you with ZERO ground speed! Are you declaring an emergency?

He calmly replied, No, we're hovering over the outer marker waiting for clearance. We're a helicopter; we can do that you know.


A United Airlines 747 captain tries to make light banter with Sydney, Australia, Approach Control

Captain: "Good morning, Sydney, this is United XXX, we're 50 miles out and have your island in sight "

Approach: "Roger, United you're cleared to circle the island twice, then it's okay to land."


Air Traffic Control: Piper N4444D, traffic at your 2o'clock, 500 ft below you.

Piper N4444D: Well, we see a light coming towards us...

Air Traffic Control: Look again N4444D there's probably a plane behind that light.


Ground Control: "123DG, bear to the left, disabled aircraft on the right."

Pilot: "123DG, Roger, I have the disabled aircraft in sight, but I don't see the bear yet."


While doing some work, heard the following exchange on Kennedy Tower frequency:

Twr: Cactus 51, turn right zulu and golf, hold behind the plane that's stopped to recycle.

Cactus 51: Cactus 51 we'll make the right zulu and golf, behind the recycled airplane ... whatever that means.

Trw: C'mon Cactus, you guys should know what that means, you fly Airbus' -- it's when the screens go blank and you have to restart them all.

Cactus 51: Oh, yeah, we know about that. We just thought it was 'cause we were out of quarters.


Overheard at my local airport this Superbowl weekend...

N465: Ground, N465 at Pacific Aviation, VFR to the west with Victor, ready for taxi, we're going to need a progressive, please.

Ground: N465, roger. Alpha three, right Bravo, hold short 27 Right.

[short pause]

Unknown: Hike!

Aviation Axioms

  1. No matter what else happens, fly the airplane. Forget all that stuff about thrust and drag, lift and gravity; an airplane flies because of money.
  2. It's better to be down here wishing you were up there, than up there wishing you were down here.
  3. If you're ever faced with a forced landing at night, turn on the landing lights to see the landing area. If you don't like what you see, turn 'em back off.
  4. A check ride ought to be like a skirt, short enough to be interesting but still be long enough to cover everything.
  5. Speed is life - altitude is life insurance. No one has ever collided with the sky!
  6. Always remember you fly an airplane with your head, not your hands.
  7. Never let an airplane take you somewhere your brain didn't get to five minutes earlier.
  8. "Unskilled" pilots are always found in the wreckage with their hand around the microphone.
  9. If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger; if you pull the stick back, they get smaller. (Unless you keep pulling the stick back-then they get bigger again.)
  10. Hovering is for pilots who love to fly but have no place to go.
  11. The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.
  12. Flying is the second greatest thrill known to man. Landing is the first!
  13. Everyone already knows the definition of a 'good' landing is one from which you can walk away. But very few know the definition of a 'great' landing. It's one after which you can use the airplane another time.
  14. The probability of survival is equal to the angle of arrival.
  15. IFR: I Follow Roads.
  16. You know you've landed with the wheels up when it takes full power to taxi.
  17. Those who hoot with the owls by night should not fly with the eagles by day.
  18. A helicopter is a collection of rotating parts going round and round and reciprocating parts going up and down -- all of them trying to become random in motion.
  19. Helicopters can't really fly -- they're just so ugly that the earth immediately repels them.
  20. Pilots believe in clean living. They never drink whiskey from a dirty glass.
  21. Things that do you no good in aviation: Altitude above you; runway behind you; fuel in the truck; half a second ago; approach plates in the car; the airspeed you don't have.
  22. If God meant man to fly, He'd have given him more money.
  23. Flying is not dangerous; crashing is dangerous.
  24. A good simulator check ride is like successful surgery on a corpse.
  25. Asking what a pilot thinks about the FAA is like asking a tree what it thinks about dogs.
  26. Trust your captain but keep your seat belt securely fastened.
  27. An airplane may disappoint a good pilot, but it won't surprise him.
  28. Any pilot who relies on a terminal forecast can be sold the Brooklyn Bridge. If he relies on winds-aloft reports he can be sold Niagara Falls.
  29. The friendliest flight attendants are those on the trip home.
  30. Good judgment comes from experience and experience comes from bad judgment.
  31. Being an airline pilot would be great if you didn't have to go on all those trips.
  32. Aviation is not so much a profession as it is a disease.
  33. The nicer an airplane looks, the better it flies.
  34. There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing. Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.
  35. It's a good landing if you can still get the doors open.
  36. Passengers prefer old captains and young flight attendants.
  37. The only thing worse than a captain who never flew as copilot is a copilot who once was a captain.
  38. It's best to keep the pointed end going forward as much as possible.
  39. If an earthquake suddenly opened a fissure in a runway that caused an accident, the FAA would find a way to blame it on pilot error.
  40. Any attempt to stretch fuel is guaranteed to increase headwind.
  41. A thunderstorm is never as bad on the inside as it appears on the outside. It's worse.
  42. It's easy to make a small fortune in aviation. You start with a large fortune.
  43. A male pilot is a confused soul who talks about women when he's flying, and about flying when he's with a woman.
  44. A fool and his money are soon flying more airplane than he can handle.
  45. The last thing every pilot does before leaving the aircraft after making a gear up landing is to put the gear selection lever in the 'down' position.
  46. Try to keep the number of your landings equal to the number of your takeoffs.
  47. Takeoffs are optional. Landings are mandatory.
  48. You cannot propel yourself forward by patting yourself on the back.
  49. The difference between a fighter pilot & a pig? A pig doesn't sit at a bar until 0300 waiting to pick up a fighter pilot.

Wednesday, March 08, 2006

Award Winning Shopping Bags

The Glass Eye

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man.

He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

Oh my, I am so sorry, " the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.

"Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you, " she says.

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theater followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.

After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast.

They had a wonderful, wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed! ! Everything had been SO incredible!!!!

"You know, " he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet? "

"No, " she replies. . . . . "

She says:

"You just happened to catch my eye."

Sunday, March 05, 2006

The Bet

An elderly woman walked into the Bank of Canada one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money.

After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right) an employee took the elderly woman to the president's office.

The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied, "$165,000". The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money. The elderly woman replied that she made bets.

The president was surprised and asked, "What kind of bets?"

The elderly woman replied, "Well, I bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square."

The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that.

The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said, "Would you like to take my bet?"

"Certainly", replied the president. "I bet you $25,000 that my testicles are not square."

"Done", the elderly woman answered. "But given the amount of money involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 o' clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness." "No problem", said the president of the Bank confidently.

That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way and that, checking them over again and again until he was positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet.

The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly woman arrived at the president's office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before that the president's testicles were square.

The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants etc. so that she and her lawyer could see clearly.

The president was happy to oblige.

The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked the president if she could touch them. "Of course", said the president. "Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure."

The elderly woman did so with a little smile. Suddenly the president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall. He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied, "Oh, it's probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 o'clock in the morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Bank of Canada!"

A Lonely Adam

Adam is walking around the garden bored an lonely, he walks up to god and says "God I'm lonely..I think I need..."

And God cuts him off saying in an excited voice "You need someone that's your best friend, your lover, that is there for you when you need someone and feel lonely someone thats your soul mate!"

Adam nods vigerously "Yeah!!"

God smiled knowingly "You need a woman!"

Adam nodded "Yeah a woman!" He then got a suspicious look on his face and with narrowed eyes looked at god "Wait a second....whats this going to cost me?"

God answerd in a booming voice "AN ARM AND A LEG!"

Adam looked shocked to hear this and then with a sly look on his face asked "What can I get for a rib?"