Saturday, September 16, 2006

A Love Story

This 80 year old woman was arrested for shop lifting. When she went before the judge he asked her, "What did you steal?" She replied, "A can of peaches."

The judge then asked her why she had stolen the can of peaches and she replied that she was hungry. The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can. She replied 6.

The judge then said, "I will then give you 6 days in jail."

Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment, the woman's husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something. The judge said, "What is it?"

The husband said, "She also stole a can of peas."

A Child's View of the Sea

A number of primary schools were doing a project on "The Sea." Kids were asked to draw pictures or write about their experiences. Teachers got together to compare the results and put together some of the 'better' ones.
  • This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly age 6)
  • Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea because I think they have to plug themselves in to chargers. (Christopher age 7)
  • Oysters' balls are called pearls. (James age 6)
  • If you are surrounded by sea you are an Island. If you don't have Sea all around you, you are incontinent. (Wayne age 7)
  • I think sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She's not my friend no more. (Kyle age 6)
  • A dolphin breathes through an asshole on the top of its head. (Billy age 8)
  • When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes, when the wind didn't blow the sailors would whistle To make the wind come. My brother said they would be better off eating beans. (William age 7)
  • I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their shiny tails. How do mermaids get pregnant? (Helen age 6)
  • When you go swimming in the sea, it is very cold, and it makes my willy shrink. (Kevin age 6)

A Priest and a Rabbi

A priest and a rabbi operated a church and a synagogue across the street from each other. Since their schedules intertwined, they decided to go in together to buy a car.

After the purchase, they drove it home and parked it on the street between them.

A few minutes later, the rabbi looked out and saw the priest sprinkling water on their new car. It didn't need a wash, so he hurried out and asked the priest what he was doing.

"I'm blessing it," the priest replied.

The rabbi considered this for a moment, then went back inside the synagogue.

He reappeared a moment later with a hacksaw, walked over to the back of the car and cut off two inches of the tailpipe.

Dictionary

Dictionary for Decoding Women's Personal Ads:

40-ish ........................ 49
Adventurous ............... Slept with everyone.
Athletic ...................... No breasts
Average looking .......... Moooo
Beautiful .................... Pathological liar.
Emotionally Secure .... On medication
Feminist .................... Fat
Free spirit .................. Junkie
Friendship first ........... Former slut
New-Age ................... Body hair in the wrong places
Old-Fashioned ........... No BJs
Open-minded ............. Desperate
Outgoing ................... Loud and Embarrassing.
Professional .............. Bitch
Looking for Soul Mate ..Stalker

WOMEN'S ENGLISH:
  1. Yes = No
  2. No = Yes
  3. Maybe = No
  4. We need = I want.
  5. I am sorry = You'll be sorry
  6. We need to talk = You're in trouble
  7. Sure, go ahead = You better not...
  8. Do what you want = You'll pay for this later...
  9. I am not upset = Of course, I'm upset, you f***ing a**hole!!
  10. You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?

MEN'S ENGLISH:
  1. I am hungry = I am hungry.
  2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy.
  3. I am tired = I am tired.
  4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage.
  5. I love you = Let's have sex now.
  6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
  7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you.
  8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you.
  9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you.
  10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you.
  11. I don't think those shoes go with that outfit = I'm gay.

Friday, September 15, 2006

Toothbrushes

The kids filed back into class Monday morning.

They were very excited.

Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship.

Little Sally led off:

"I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success."

"Very good," said the teacher.

Little Jenny was next:

"I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events."

"Very good, Jenny," said the teacher.

Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn.

The teacher held her breath.

Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk.

"$2,467," he said.

"$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?"

"Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny.

"Toothbrushes," echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough toothbrushes to make that much money?"

"I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny,

"I set up a Dip & Chip stand. I gave everybody who walked by a sample."

They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like shit!"

Then I would say, "It is shit. Wanna buy a toothbrush?"

Wednesday, September 13, 2006

The New Supermarket

The new Supermarket near our house has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain

When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and there is a scent of fresh hay.

When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.

The veggie department features the smell of fresh buttered corn.

We don't buy toilet paper there any more.

Sex

A hippy gets on a bus and spies a pretty young nun.

He sits down next to her, and asks her: "Can we have sex ?"

"No," she replies, "I'm married to God."

She then stands up, and gets off at the next stop.

The bus driver, who overheard, turns to the hippy and says, "I can tell you how to have sex with her!"

"Yeah?", says the hippy.

"Yeah", says the bus driver. "She goes to the cemetery every Tuesday night at midnight to pray. So all you have to do is dress up in a robe with a hood, put some of that luminous powder stuff in your beard, and pop up in the cemetery claiming to be God."

The hippy decides to give it a try, and arrives in the cemetery dressed as suggested on the next Tuesday night.

"I am God," he declares to the nun, keeping the hood low about his face, "I have ordained it. You must have sex with me."

The nun agrees without question, but begs him to restrict himself to anal sex, as she is desperate not to lose her virginity.

God agrees, and promptly has his wicked way with her.

As he finishes, he jumps up and throws back his hood with a flourish.

"Ha-ha!," he cries. "I am the hippy!"

"Ha-ha!," cries the nun.

"I'm the bus driver."