Quick Change: America's Got Talent

Really cool!

At The Zoo...

Cleaning out the aviary at a rundown zoo, the keeper finds two finches that have died of old age. He picks them up and places them in a sack. After cleaning the cage he puts the sack in his wheelbarrow and moves on to the next cage.

When he reaches the primate cage he finds two chimps that have also died of natural causes. "Waste not, want not," he says as puts them in the sack with the finches.

Later, at feeding time, he flips the dead animals from the sack, into the lion's cage.

"What the crap!" roars one lion.

"Not finch and chimps again!"

Butter Vs. Margarine

OK, this one isn't a joke, but everyone should read it:

Margarine was originally manufactured to fatten turkeys. When it killed the turkeys, the people who had put all the money into the research wanted a payback so they put their heads together to figure out what to do with this product to get their money back. It was a white substance with no food appeal so they added the yellow coloring and sold it to people to use in place of butter. How do you like it? They have come out with some clever new flavorings.


DO YOU KNOW...the difference between margarine and butter?

• Both have the same amount of calories.
• Butter is slightly higher in saturated fats at 8 grams compared to 5 grams.
• Eating margarine can increase heart disease in women by 53% over eating the same amount of butter, according to a recent Harvard Medical Study.
• Eating butter increases the absorption of many other nutrients in other foods.
• Butter has many nutritional benefits where margarine has a few only because they are added!
• Butter tastes much better than margarine and it can enhance the flavors of other foods.
• Butter has been around for centuries where margarine has been around for less than 100 years.

And now, for Margarine..

• Very high in trans fatty acids.
• Triple the risk of coronary heart disease.
• Increases total cholesterol and LDL (this is the bad cholesterol) and lowers HDL cholesterol, (the good cholesterol)
• Increases the risk of cancers up to five fold.
• Lowers quality of breast milk.
• Decreases immune response.
• Decreases insulin response.

And here's the most disturbing fact....
Margarine is but ONE MOLECULE away from being PLASTIC!!!

This fact alone was enough to have me avoiding margarine for life and anything else that is hydrogenated (this means hydrogen is added, changing the molecular structure of the substance).

You can try this yourself:

• Purchase a tub of margarine and leave it in your garage or shaded area.
• Within a couple of days you will note a couple of things:
• No flies, not even those pesky fruit flies will go near it (that should tell you something)
• it does not rot or smell differently because it has no nutritional value
• Nothing will grow on it. Even those teeny weeny microorganisms will not a find a home to grow.
• Why? Because it is nearly plastic.
• Would you melt your Tupperware and spread that on your toast?

More New Orleans Problems

I wish this were a joke...

Ray Nagin does it again

Do you remember New Orleans 'Katrina' mayor Ray Nagin? The one that tried to teach 1,200 buses to swim while his citizen's drowned? Once again, he has demonstrated his ability to deal with hard realities.

According to The New Orleans Times Picayune there were 50,000 vehicles ruined in Katrina and abandoned by their owners.

The largest auto crusher east of the Rockies, K&L Auto Crushers of Tyler, Texas offered to pay the City of New Orleans $100.00 per vehicle, 'as is, where is', an estimated $5 million net to the city. They agreed to bring in 5 to 10 portable crushers, work 6 days per week and complete the job in 15 weeks.

Of course, mayor Nagin knew better how to do the job and refused the offer saying the city would do the job themselves. It seems that now it will cost the City $23 million to complete the job. The vehicles are still there today instead of being cleaned out 5 Months ago.

Now, lets see if I have this correct. By doing it J&L's way the City of New Orleans would net $5 million. Doing it mayor Nagin's way costs the city $23 million for a net cost to the City of New Orleans of $28,000,000.

This is the same mayor that wants The United States taxpayers to give $50 billion to New Orleans and let him rebuild a "Chocolate City" his way without any oversight or any control.

Brit Hume reported this on Fox News.

Verified by Snopes

Murphy's Other Laws

• Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
• He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
• A day without sunshine is like, well, night.
• Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
• Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
• Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
• Just remember . if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
• The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
• It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them.
• If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.
• The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.
• Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.
• Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.
• The shin bone is a device for finding furniture.
• A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
• When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

George Carlin's Rules for 2006

1. Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.
2. Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Trout?
3. Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: lucky bastards.
4. If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're a dope. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a grown man , they're pictures of men.
5. Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.
6. There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.
7. Stop f***ing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.
8. The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge ass hole.
9. I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.
10. Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.
11. Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."
12. I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.
13. If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.
14. No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.
15. Long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your webcam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.
16. When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.

Trip to Japan

Park the Car

http://www.107.peugeot.co.uk/peugeot.swf

If you can!

It's totally addictive!

One Picture a Day

This is REALLY cool. It's not a joke, but it's unbelievably cool...

Little Johnny Was Caught Swearing

Little Johnny was caught swearing by his teacher.

"Johnny," she said, "you shouldn't use that kind of language. Where did you hear such talk, anyway?"

"My daddy said it," he responded.

"Well, that doesn't matter," explained the teacher. "You don't even know what it means."

"I do, too!" Little Johnny retorted. "It means the car won't start."

Drinking Rules

A Mexican drinks his beer and suddenly throws his glass in the air, pulls out his pistol and shoots the glass to pieces.

He says, "In Mexico our glasses so cheap we don't need to drink from the same glass twice."

An Iraqi, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his AK-47 and shoots the glass to pieces.

He says, "In Iraq we have so much sand to make glasses that we don't need to drink out of the same glass twice either."

The Texas boy, cool as a cucumber, picks up his beer and drinks it, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the Mexican and the Iraqi, and catches his glass.

He says, "In Texas we have so many illegal Aliens that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice."

Letterman's Gates Tribute