Saturday, November 19, 2005

Billboards I'd Like to See 26: Corvette

I Want to be a Fighter Pilot by a Fifth Grader

(This is only realy funny if you are or know a fighter pilot.)

I want to be fighter pilot when I grow up because it's fun and easy to do. Fighter pilots don't need much school, they just have to learn numbers so they can read instruments. I guess they should be able to read maps so they can find their way if they get lost. Fighter pilots should be brave so they won't get scared if it's foggy and they can't see or if a wing or motor falls off they should stay calm so they'll know what to do. Fighter pilots have to have good eyes so they can see through clouds and they can't be afraid of lightning or thunder because they are closer to them than we are. They make more money than they can spend. This is because most people think airplane flying is dangerous except fighter pilots don't because they know how easy it is. There isn't much I don't like, except girls like fighter pilots and all the girls want to marry them and they always have to chase them away so they won't bother them. I hope I don't get airsick because if I do I couldn't be a fighter pilot and would have to go to work.

Dear Tide...

Dear Tide Company,

I am writing to say what an excellent product you have! I've used it all through my married life, as my Mom always told me it was the best.

Now that I am in my fifties, I find it even better! In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My inconsiderate and uncaring husband started to berate me about how clumsy I was, and generally started becoming a pain in the neck. One thing led to another and somehow I ended up with a lot of his blood on my white blouse. I tried to get the stain out using a bargain detergent, but it just wouldn't come out.

After a quick trip to the supermarket, I purchased a bottle of liquid Tide with bleach alternative, and to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out! In fact, the stains came out so well the detectives who came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative and then myattorney called and said that I would no longer be considered a suspect in the disappearance of my husband.

What a relief! Going through menopause is bad enough without being a murder suspect! I thank you, once again, for having such a great product.

Well, gotta go. I have to write a letter to the Hefty bag people...

Billboards I'd Like to See 25: Ikea

Thursday, November 17, 2005

Abbott & Costello Computers

(Only funny if you're old enough to remember "Who's On First?", or have ever seen/ heard it.)

COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.

ABBOTT: Your computer?

COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.

ABBOTT: What about Windows?

COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?

COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?

ABBOTT: Wallpaper.

COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

ABBOTT: Software for Windows?

COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

ABBOTT: I just did.

COSTELLO: You just did what?

ABBOTT: Recommend something.

COSTELLO: You recommended something?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: For my office?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!

ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.

COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?

ABBOTT: Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: Word in Office.

COSTELLO: The only word in office ... is office.

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?

ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W".

COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with some straight answers, OK, forget that. Can I watch movies on the Internet?

ABBOTT: Yes, you want Real One.

COSTELLO: Maybe a real one, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of your business. Just tell me what I need!

ABBOTT: Real One.

COSTELLO: If it's a long movie, I also want to watch reels 2, 3 and 4. Can I watch them?

ABBOTT: Of course.

COSTELLO: Great! With what?

ABBOTT: Real One.

COSTELLO: OK, I'm at my computer and I want to watch a movie. What do I do?

ABBOTT: You click the blue "1".

COSTELLO: I click the blue one what?

ABBOTT: The blue "1".

COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue "w"?

ABBOTT: The blue "1" is Real One and the blue "W" is Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: But there are three words in "office for windows"!

ABBOTT: No, just one. But it's the most popular Word in the world.

COSTELLO: It is?

ABBOTT: Yes, but to be fair, there aren't many other Words left. It pretty much wiped out all the other Words out there.

COSTELLO: And that word is real one?

ABBOTT: Real One has nothing to do with Word. Real One isn't even part of Office.

COSTELLO: STOP! Don't start that again. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.

COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?

ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.

COSTELLO: I get a bundle of dollars with my computer? How much?

ABBOTT: One copy.

COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?

ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.

COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?

ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!

(A few days later)

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. May I help you?

COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?

ABBOTT: Click on "START"

Billboards I'd Like to See 23: Speedo

A True Friend

Are you tired of all those namby, pamby, girly, sissy, completely wet "friendship" poems, that never come close to reality?

Well, here is a series of promises that really speaks to true friendship:

  1. When you are sad - I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you that way.
  2. When you are blue - I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.
  3. When you smile - I will know you've finally had sex.
  4. When you are scared - I will tease the crap out of you about it every chance I get.
  5. When you are worried - I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be and to stop your bloody whining.
  6. When you are confused - I will use little words.
  7. When you are sick - Stay the hell away from me until you are well again, I don't want whatever you have.
  8. When you fall - I will point and laugh at your clumsy self.


Send this to 10 of your closest friends, then get depressed because you can only think of two, and one of them isn't speaking to you right now anyway.

Remember:

A good friend will help you move. A really good friend will help you move a body. Let me know if I ever need to bring a shovel.

George Carlin's View on Aging

Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions.

"How old are you?" "I'm four and a half!" You're never thirty-six and a half. You're four and a half, going on five! That's the key.

You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead. "How old are you?" "I'm gonna be 16!"

You could be 13, but hey, you're gonna be 16! And then the greatest day of your life . . . you become 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony . . . YOU BECOME 21. YESSSS!!!

But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk. He TURNED; we had to throw him out. There's no fun now, you're just a sour-dumpling. What's wrong? What's changed?

You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40. Whoa! Put on the brakes, it's all slipping away. Before you know it, you REACH 50 . . . . and your dreams are gone.

But wait!!! You MAKE it to 60. You didn't think you would! So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50 and MAKE it to 60. You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it's a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday! You get into your 80s and every day is a complete cycle; you HIT lunch; you TURN 4:30; you REACH bedtime.

And it doesn't end there. Into the 90s, you start going backwards; "I Was JUST 92."

Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a little kid again. "I'm 100 and a half!"

May you all make it to a healthy 100 and a half!!

HOW TO STAY YOUNG

  1. Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age, weight and height. Let the doctors worry about them. That is why you pay them.
  2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down.
  3. Keep learning. Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever. Never let the brain idle. " An idle mind is the devil's workshop." And the devil's name is Alzheimer's.
  4. Enjoy the simple things.
  5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.
  6. The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person who is with us our entire life, is ourselves. Be ALIVE while you are alive.
  7. Surround yourself with what you love, Whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refuge.
  8. Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.
  9. Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, even to the next county; to a foreign country but NOT to where the guilt is.
  10. Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity.


AND ALWAYS REMEMBER:

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.

Strange Court Case

ACTUAL AUSTRALIAN COURT DOCKET 12659 CASE OF THE PREGNANT LADY

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus.

She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.

The man seemed more amused! When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.

The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.

The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat under a sweets sign that said, "The Double Mint Twins are Coming"and I grinned.

Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, "Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling," and I had to smile.

Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, "William's Big Stick Did the Trick," and I could hardly contain myself.

BUT, your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, "Goodyear Rubber Could Have Prevented this Accident"... I just LOST it!"

"CASE DISMISSED!!"

Billboards I'd Like to See 22: Gold's Gym

Wednesday, November 16, 2005

Billboards I'd Like to See 21: Sushi

Billboards I'd Like to See 20: Church of Jesus Christ & Latter-Day Saints

Great Quotes

Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, "Lillian, you should have remained a virgin." -Lillian Carter

I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog: "No good in a bed, but fine against a wall." - Eleanor Roosevelt

Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister,and now wish to withdraw that statement. - Mark Twain

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning anda good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible. -George Burns

Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year. - Victor Borge

Be careful about reading health books.You may die of a misprint. -Mark Twain

What would men be without women? Scarce, sir...mighty scarce -Mark Twain

By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. -Socrates

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. -Groucho Marx

Billboards I'd Like to See 19: Jack Daniel's

Tuesday, November 15, 2005

The Old Lady & The Frog

An older lady was somewhat lonely and decided she needed a pet to keep her company. So off to the pet shop she went. She searched and searched. Nothing seemed to catch her interest, except this ugly frog. As she walked by the jar he was in, she looked and he winked at her.

He whispered, "I'm lonely, too. Buy me and you won't be sorry!"

The old lady figured -- What the heck? She hadn't found anything else.

She bought the frog and put him in the car.

Driving down the road the frog whispered to her "Kiss me and you won't be sorry!!"

So the old lady figured, "What the heck?" and kissed the frog.

Immediately, the frog turned into an absolutely gorgeous sexy young handsome prince.

The prince then kissed the old lady back..........and guess what the old lady turned into?

Come on Guess?


She turned into the first motel she could find.

She's old.......NOT DEAD!!!!!

Billboards I'd Like to See 18: Hallmark

Billboards I'd Like to See 17: Ace Hardware

Monday, November 14, 2005

Billboards I'd Like to See 16: Medical Marijuana

The Sixth Affair

Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining a candlelight vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face. Her praying roused him from his slumber. He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly.

"Becky my darling," he whispered.

"Hush my love," she said. "Rest, don't talk."

He was insistent. "Becky," he said in his tired voice, "I have something that I must confess."

"There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Becky, "everything's all right, go to sleep."

"No, no. I must die in peace, Becky, I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend and your mother!"

"I know, my sweet one" whispered Becky, "let the poison work."

Billboards I'd Like to See 15: Hooked on Phonics

Sunday, November 13, 2005

Billboards I'd Like to See 14: Pillsbury

Deer Tick Warning

I hate it when people forward bogus warnings....But this one is real, and it's important, So please send this warning to everyone on your email list.

If someone comes to your front door saying they are conducting a survey on DEER TICKS and asks you to take your clothes off and dance around with your arms up...


DO NOT DO IT !!!


It is a scam! They only want to see you naked. I wish I'd gotten this yesterday, I feel so stupid now....

Billboards I'd Like to See 13: Zirconia

Billboards I'd Like to See 12: NASA

Forgiveness

Sunday's sermon was---Forgive Your Enemies.

Toward the end of the service, the Minister asked, "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?" 80% held up their hands.

The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one small elderly Lady.

"Mrs. Jones?"; "Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"

"I don't have any." She replied, smiling sweetly.

"Mrs. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?" "Ninety-eight."

She replied. "Oh Mrs. Jones, would you please come down in front & tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years & not have an enemy in the world?"

The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said: "I outlived the bitches."

Billboards I'd Like to See 11: St. Pauli Girl

The Fifth Affair

A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer.

"Certainly, Sir, that'll be 1 cent!"

"One Cent", exclaimed the man. So the man glances over at the menu and asks, "Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with chips, peas and a fried egg?"

"Certainly, sir," replies the barman, "but that comes to real money."

"How much money?" inquires the man.

"4 cents," the bartender replied.

"Four Cents?!" exclaimed the man.

"Where's the guy who owns this place?"

The bartender replied, "Upstairs, with my wife."

The man says, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"

The bartender replied, "The same thing as I'm doing downstairs to his business."