Saturday, August 18, 2007

The Greeter

A very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into Wal-Mart with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

The Wal-Mart Greeter said pleasantly "Good morning, and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?"

The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, "Hell no they ain't twins. The oldest one's 9 and the other one's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?"

"I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am," replied the greeter. "I just couldn't believe someone made love to you twice."

"Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart."

Wednesday, August 15, 2007

Dolly Parton vs. Queen Elizabeth

Dolly Parton and Queen Elizabeth die on the same day and they both go before an Angel to find out if they'll be admitted to Heaven.

Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so the Angel must decide which of them gets in. The Angel asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to Heaven.

Dolly takes off her top and says, "Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created, and I'm sure it will please the angels to be able to see them every day, for eternity."

The Angel thanks Dolly, and asks Her Majesty the same question.

The Queen takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, shakes it up, and gargles. Then, she spits into a toilet and pulls the lever.

The Angel says, "OK, your Majesty, you may go in."

Dolly is outraged and asks, "What was that all about? I show you two of God's own perfect creations and you turn me down. She spits into a commode and she gets in! Would you explain that to me?"

"Sorry, Dolly," says the Angel, "but even in Heaven, a royal flush beats a pair no matter how big they are!"

Tuesday, August 14, 2007

Over 50

Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause?
Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement. When you are done you will have a place to live.

Q: How can you increase the heart rate of a 50+ year old husband?
Tell him you're pregnant.

Q: How can you avoid spotting a wrinkle every time you walk by a mirror?
The next time you're in front of a mirror, take off your glasses.

Q: Why should 50+ year old people use valet parking?
Valets don't forget where they park your car.

Q: Is it common for 50+ year olds to have problems with short term memory storage?
Storing memory is not a problem, retrieving it is a problem.

Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?
Yes, but usually in the afternoon.

Q: Where do 50+ year olds look for fashionable glasses?
Their foreheads.

Q: What is the most common remark made by 50+ year olds when they enter antique stores?
"I remember these"

(In honor of my mother.)

Monday, August 13, 2007

An Ode to Plurals

We’ll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes,
But the plural of ox becomes oxen, not oxes.
One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese,
Yet the plural of moose should never be meese.
You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice,
Yet the plural of house is houses, not hice.

If the plural of man is always called men,
Why shouldn't the plural of pan be called pen?
If I speak of my foot and show you my feet,
And I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet?
If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth,
Why shouldn't the plural of booth be called beeth?

Then one may be that, and three would be those,
Yet hat in the plural would never be hose,
And the plural of cat is cats, not cose.
We speak of a brother and also of brethren,
But though we say mother, we never say methren.
Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him,
But imagine the feminine: she, shis and shim!

Let's face it - English is a crazy language.
There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger;
neither apple nor pine in pineapple.
English muffins weren’t invented in England.
We take English for granted, but if we explore its paradoxes,
we find that quicksand can work slowly,
boxing rings are square, and
a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write
but fingers don't fing,
grocers don't groce and
hammers don't ham?
Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend.
If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught,
why didn't preachers praught?
If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
Sometimes I think all the folks who grew up speaking English
should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane.

In what other language do people recite at a play and play at a recital?
We ship by truck but send cargo by ship.
We have noses that run and feet that smell.
We park in a driveway and drive in a parkway.
And how can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same,
while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language
in which your house can burn up as it burns down,
in which you fill in a form by filling it out,
and in which an alarm goes off by going on.

And, in closing, if Father is Pop, how come Mother's not Mop?

French Terror Alerts

Also, the French government announced that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.
French firearms for sale. Never shot - dropped only once.

Sunday, August 12, 2007

The Priest & the Hairdrier

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the Priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"

"Of course. What may I do for you?"

"Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?"

"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie."

"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"

"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"

"I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."

Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father."

Staff Meeting

The boss of a Madison Avenue advertising agency called a spontaneous staff meeting in the middle of a particularly stressful week. (This is one pretty sharp boss!) When everyone gathered, the boss, who understood the benefits of having fun, told the burnt-out staff the purpose of the meeting was to have a quick contest.

The theme: Viagra advertising slogans.

The only rule was they had to use past ad slogans, originally written for other products, that captured the essence of Viagra.

Slight variations were acceptable.

About 7 minutes later, they turned in their suggestions and created a 'Top 10 List'. With all the laughter and camaraderie, the rest of the week went very well for everyone!

The top 10 were:

  1. Viagra, Whaazzzz up!
  2. Viagra, the quicker pecker picker upper.
  3. Viagra, like a rock!
  4. Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to be there overnight.
  5. Viagra, Be all that you can be.
  6. Viagra, Reach out and touch someone.
  7. Viagra, Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.
  8. Viagra, Home of the whopper!
  9. Viagra, We bring good things to Life!
    And the unanimous number one slogan:
  10. This is your pee pee. This is your pee pee on drugs.