Saturday, November 25, 2006
Urban Takeoff
This dummy ran out of fuel, landed on the street, refueled and attempted to takeoff. Check out his right wing tip.
Thursday, November 23, 2006
Grave
A mother and son were walking through a cemetery, and passed by a headstone inscribed "Here lies a good lawyer and an honest man." The little boy read the headstone, looked up at his mother, and asked "Mommy, why did they bury two men there?"
Vasectomy
A Kentucky couple, both bona fide red necks, had 9 children. They went to the doctor to see about getting the husband "fixed". The doctor gladly started the required procedure and asked them what finally made them make the decision--why after nine children, would they choose to do this.
The husband replied that they had read in a recent article that one out of every ten children being born in the United States was Mexican, and they didn't want to take a chance on having a Mexican baby because neither of them could speak Spanish.
The husband replied that they had read in a recent article that one out of every ten children being born in the United States was Mexican, and they didn't want to take a chance on having a Mexican baby because neither of them could speak Spanish.
Push
A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3 o'clock in the morning!"
He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife.
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No, I did not! It's 3 o'clock in the morning and it is pouring out there!"
Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him and you should be ashamed of yourself!"
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes" comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes. Please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here on the swing!" replies the drunk.
"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3 o'clock in the morning!"
He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife.
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No, I did not! It's 3 o'clock in the morning and it is pouring out there!"
Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him and you should be ashamed of yourself!"
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes" comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes. Please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here on the swing!" replies the drunk.
Wednesday, November 22, 2006
Female Golfer
Four lawyers in a law firm lived and died for their Saturday morning round of golf. It was their favorite moment of the week. Then one of the lawyers was transferred to an office in another city. It wasn't quite the same without him.
A new woman lawyer joined their law firm. One day she overheard the remaining three talking about their golf round at the coffee table. Curious, she spoke up, "You know, I used to play on my golf team in college and I was pretty good. Would you mind if I joined you next week?"
The three lawyers looked at each other. They were hesitant. Not one of them wanted to say 'yes', but she had them on the spot. Finally one man said it would be okay, but they would be starting pretty early at 6:30 am. He figured the early Tee-Time would discourage her immediately.
The woman said this might be a problem and asked if she could possibly be up to 15 minutes late. They rolled their eyes but said this would be okay. She smiled and said, "Good, then I'll be there either at 6:30 or 6:45."
She showed up right at 6:30 and wound up beating all three of them with an eye-opening 2-under par round. She was a fun and pleasant person the entire round. The guys were impressed! Back in the clubhouse they congratulated her and happily invited her back the next week. She smiled and said "Sure, I'll be here at 6:30 or 6:45."
The next week she again showed up at 6:30 Saturday morning. Only this time, she played left-handed. The three lawyers were incredulous as she still managed to beat them with an even par round despite playing with her off-hand.
By now the guys were totally amazed, but wondered if she was just trying to make them look bad by beating them left-handed. They couldn't figure her out. She was again very pleasant and didn't seem to be showing them up, but each man began to harbor a burning desire to beat her!
In the third week they all had their game faces on. But this week She was 15 minutes late! This had the guys irritable because each was determined to play the best round of golf of his life to beat her. As they waited for her, they figured her late arrival was some petty gamesmanship on her part.
Finally she showed up. This week the lady lawyer played right-handed which was a good thing since she narrowly beat all three of them. However she was so gracious and so complimentary of their strong play, it was hard to keep a grudge against her. This woman was a riddle no one could figure out!
Back in the clubhouse she had all three guys shaking their heads at her ability. They had a couple beers after their round which helped the conversation loosen up.
Finally one of the men could contain his curiosity no longer. He asked her point blank, "How do you decide if you're going to golf right-handed or left-handed?"
The lady blushed and grinned. She said, "That's easy. When my Dad taught me to play golf, I learned I was ambidextrous. I have always had fun switching back and forth. Then when I met my husband in college and got married, I discovered he always sleeps in the nude. From then on I developed a silly habit. Right before I left in the morning for golf practice, I would pull the covers off him. If his you-know-what was pointing to the right, I golfed right-handed; if it was pointed to the left, I golfed left-handed. All the girls on the team thought this was hysterical."
Astonished at this bizarre information, one of the guys shot back, "But what if it's pointed straight up in the air?"�
She said, "Then I'm fifteen minutes late..."
A new woman lawyer joined their law firm. One day she overheard the remaining three talking about their golf round at the coffee table. Curious, she spoke up, "You know, I used to play on my golf team in college and I was pretty good. Would you mind if I joined you next week?"
The three lawyers looked at each other. They were hesitant. Not one of them wanted to say 'yes', but she had them on the spot. Finally one man said it would be okay, but they would be starting pretty early at 6:30 am. He figured the early Tee-Time would discourage her immediately.
The woman said this might be a problem and asked if she could possibly be up to 15 minutes late. They rolled their eyes but said this would be okay. She smiled and said, "Good, then I'll be there either at 6:30 or 6:45."
She showed up right at 6:30 and wound up beating all three of them with an eye-opening 2-under par round. She was a fun and pleasant person the entire round. The guys were impressed! Back in the clubhouse they congratulated her and happily invited her back the next week. She smiled and said "Sure, I'll be here at 6:30 or 6:45."
The next week she again showed up at 6:30 Saturday morning. Only this time, she played left-handed. The three lawyers were incredulous as she still managed to beat them with an even par round despite playing with her off-hand.
By now the guys were totally amazed, but wondered if she was just trying to make them look bad by beating them left-handed. They couldn't figure her out. She was again very pleasant and didn't seem to be showing them up, but each man began to harbor a burning desire to beat her!
In the third week they all had their game faces on. But this week She was 15 minutes late! This had the guys irritable because each was determined to play the best round of golf of his life to beat her. As they waited for her, they figured her late arrival was some petty gamesmanship on her part.
Finally she showed up. This week the lady lawyer played right-handed which was a good thing since she narrowly beat all three of them. However she was so gracious and so complimentary of their strong play, it was hard to keep a grudge against her. This woman was a riddle no one could figure out!
Back in the clubhouse she had all three guys shaking their heads at her ability. They had a couple beers after their round which helped the conversation loosen up.
Finally one of the men could contain his curiosity no longer. He asked her point blank, "How do you decide if you're going to golf right-handed or left-handed?"
The lady blushed and grinned. She said, "That's easy. When my Dad taught me to play golf, I learned I was ambidextrous. I have always had fun switching back and forth. Then when I met my husband in college and got married, I discovered he always sleeps in the nude. From then on I developed a silly habit. Right before I left in the morning for golf practice, I would pull the covers off him. If his you-know-what was pointing to the right, I golfed right-handed; if it was pointed to the left, I golfed left-handed. All the girls on the team thought this was hysterical."
Astonished at this bizarre information, one of the guys shot back, "But what if it's pointed straight up in the air?"�
She said, "Then I'm fifteen minutes late..."
Tuesday, November 21, 2006
Kids
I love the outdoors, and because of my passion for hunting and fishing, my family eats a considerable amount of wild game. So much, in fact, that one evening as I set a platter of broiled venison steaks on the dinner table, my ten-year- old daughter looked up and said, "Boy, it sure would be nice if pizzas lived in the woods."
----------------------------------
A mother was showing her son how to zip up his coat. "The secret," she said, "is to get the left part of the zipper to fit in the other side before you try to zip it up."
The boy looked at her quizzically... "Why does it have to be a secret?"
----------------------------------
When my daughter was three, we watched Snow White And The Seven Dwarfs for the first time. The wicked queen appeared, disguised as an old lady selling apples, and my daughter was spellbound. Then Snow White took a bite of the poisoned apple and fell to the ground unconscious.
As the apple rolled away, my daughter spoke up. "See, Mom. She doesn't like the skin either."
----------------------------------
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover.
The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, "What's the matter --haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"
----------------------------------
A mother was showing her son how to zip up his coat. "The secret," she said, "is to get the left part of the zipper to fit in the other side before you try to zip it up."
The boy looked at her quizzically... "Why does it have to be a secret?"
----------------------------------
When my daughter was three, we watched Snow White And The Seven Dwarfs for the first time. The wicked queen appeared, disguised as an old lady selling apples, and my daughter was spellbound. Then Snow White took a bite of the poisoned apple and fell to the ground unconscious.
As the apple rolled away, my daughter spoke up. "See, Mom. She doesn't like the skin either."
----------------------------------
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover.
The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, "What's the matter --haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"
F-8 Adventure
This was in a forward that I received from my dad. I didn't edit it at all except to clean up the formatting, so it's all the words of the guy who wrote it. I changed how he signed it at the bottom, so it's his full name, rather than just "Crash." You can still get the funny even though there's quite a few technical terms... For Pictures & info about the Crusader: Click.
Tom,
You've stirred up a lot of new twists in the F8 spin lore.
I remember the incident that Dave Winiker tells about in VF 154 with some slight adjustments.
It was fall of 1957 and I'm virtually certain that the Nurse was an AJ "Savage" - my impression is that, if that thing ever got up over 160 knots or so the wings would flap and it would lay an egg. I think I even have an inflight snapshot of a nose up / wing down Crusader desperately trying to get a sip while sloshing around back there in the propwash and exhaust fumes.
As I recall, we tried this a couple of times, gave it up as a really really bad deal, and never saw a tanker again – much less a Savage – on the '58 deployment. It made for some thirsty times.
So here's my add to Dwinky's tale
The protagonist is young Ensign Saintly, a baby faced, chubby, late replacement chump who has been thrown into an F8 for a couple of fam hops and now that he's fully up to speed he's going out to try a bit of inflight refueling - which of course nobody in Wespac has ever done before – but it makes no never mind to young Saintly that he's about the third person in US history to try this stunt – he doesn't know dick anyway.
Saintly goes out, gets behind the Savage, stalls out, gets into a flat spin maybe even inverted and wisely decides to part company with his balky steed.
This all works out fine (except for the brand new gator) and Saintly lands somewhere in the California coastal wilds, drags his chute around for a while, finds Hwy 1 and ends up in a phone booth calling 154 – collect.
Meanwhile I'm back in the 154 ready room in Hangar 1 at Moffett. I'm briefing for some heavy acey-deucy ops when the Duty Officer's phone rings and, after his crisp greeting, he looks around like he saw a ghost and goes into a mumbling huddle with the phone up real close and personal. I figure something really awful has happened like his wife has finally met his girlfriend or something terrible like that.
About that point, Skipper, Francis Xavier "Mad Monk" Timmes steams into view reading some stuff on a clipboard, growling & obviously on his way to gnaw on somebody's nether parts. I deftly ease away from the card table and hide behind the coffee maker – from which vantage point I watch the gruesome details unfold.
Timmes is pretty focused on the forthcoming evisceration but he spots the ashen face on the duty officer, his low quavering voice, the shaking phone hand – FX smells blood – the old man is uncanny he's just got this atavistic sixth sense that alerts him when a pooch has been screwed anywhere in within 6 counties.
In short it goes something like this:
FX to Duty Officer: "What's up mister?" (bad choice of verbiage.)
DO jumping to his feet & at rigid attention: "UH-um-uh ... it's Mr. Saintly on the phone..."
There's a beat while Timmes refocuses and glances instinctively up at the flight schedule.
FX: "No it's not Saintly – he's flying!"
DO: "But..."
FX: "GIMME that phone."
DO slithers over and joins me behind the coffee machine.
FX: "WHO IS THIS?"
Saintly: "It's me – Ensign Saintly sir..."
FX: "No it's NOT – Saintly is flying! -- is this a JOKE?"
Saintly: "No sir, it's me sir and I'm out here in a phone booth at Half Moon Bay sir – and I had to eject sir – and I need a ride back sir."
..................
Well, it's like Joseph said to Mary "You're WHAT?" – That one gets FX, I think for the first time in his life he's completely non-plussed.
But not for long – he realizes with horror that this jerk Saintly has just lost one of his beautiful brand new Crusaders. And FX has ridden a DC desk long enough to know that folks back in old foggy are going to be flappin' about this and he's gonna have some 'splainin to do.
.....................
FX: "Mr. Saintly, where did you say you were?"
Saintly: "I'm not really sure sir but I think I'm maybe near ... Pescadero or somewhere ... and I'm really sorry about calling collect but don't have any money... an-and...could you maybe send the pick-up out to get me...?"
FX: "Take a hike son – but be in my office at 0800 tomorrow."
I don't know how this all ended up because I never saw Saintly again after that - he's probably still out there.
--John "Crash" Miottel
Tom,
You've stirred up a lot of new twists in the F8 spin lore.
I remember the incident that Dave Winiker tells about in VF 154 with some slight adjustments.
It was fall of 1957 and I'm virtually certain that the Nurse was an AJ "Savage" - my impression is that, if that thing ever got up over 160 knots or so the wings would flap and it would lay an egg. I think I even have an inflight snapshot of a nose up / wing down Crusader desperately trying to get a sip while sloshing around back there in the propwash and exhaust fumes.
As I recall, we tried this a couple of times, gave it up as a really really bad deal, and never saw a tanker again – much less a Savage – on the '58 deployment. It made for some thirsty times.
So here's my add to Dwinky's tale
The protagonist is young Ensign Saintly, a baby faced, chubby, late replacement chump who has been thrown into an F8 for a couple of fam hops and now that he's fully up to speed he's going out to try a bit of inflight refueling - which of course nobody in Wespac has ever done before – but it makes no never mind to young Saintly that he's about the third person in US history to try this stunt – he doesn't know dick anyway.
Saintly goes out, gets behind the Savage, stalls out, gets into a flat spin maybe even inverted and wisely decides to part company with his balky steed.
This all works out fine (except for the brand new gator) and Saintly lands somewhere in the California coastal wilds, drags his chute around for a while, finds Hwy 1 and ends up in a phone booth calling 154 – collect.
Meanwhile I'm back in the 154 ready room in Hangar 1 at Moffett. I'm briefing for some heavy acey-deucy ops when the Duty Officer's phone rings and, after his crisp greeting, he looks around like he saw a ghost and goes into a mumbling huddle with the phone up real close and personal. I figure something really awful has happened like his wife has finally met his girlfriend or something terrible like that.
About that point, Skipper, Francis Xavier "Mad Monk" Timmes steams into view reading some stuff on a clipboard, growling & obviously on his way to gnaw on somebody's nether parts. I deftly ease away from the card table and hide behind the coffee maker – from which vantage point I watch the gruesome details unfold.
Timmes is pretty focused on the forthcoming evisceration but he spots the ashen face on the duty officer, his low quavering voice, the shaking phone hand – FX smells blood – the old man is uncanny he's just got this atavistic sixth sense that alerts him when a pooch has been screwed anywhere in within 6 counties.
In short it goes something like this:
FX to Duty Officer: "What's up mister?" (bad choice of verbiage.)
DO jumping to his feet & at rigid attention: "UH-um-uh ... it's Mr. Saintly on the phone..."
There's a beat while Timmes refocuses and glances instinctively up at the flight schedule.
FX: "No it's not Saintly – he's flying!"
DO: "But..."
FX: "GIMME that phone."
DO slithers over and joins me behind the coffee machine.
FX: "WHO IS THIS?"
Saintly: "It's me – Ensign Saintly sir..."
FX: "No it's NOT – Saintly is flying! -- is this a JOKE?"
Saintly: "No sir, it's me sir and I'm out here in a phone booth at Half Moon Bay sir – and I had to eject sir – and I need a ride back sir."
..................
Well, it's like Joseph said to Mary "You're WHAT?" – That one gets FX, I think for the first time in his life he's completely non-plussed.
But not for long – he realizes with horror that this jerk Saintly has just lost one of his beautiful brand new Crusaders. And FX has ridden a DC desk long enough to know that folks back in old foggy are going to be flappin' about this and he's gonna have some 'splainin to do.
.....................
FX: "Mr. Saintly, where did you say you were?"
Saintly: "I'm not really sure sir but I think I'm maybe near ... Pescadero or somewhere ... and I'm really sorry about calling collect but don't have any money... an-and...could you maybe send the pick-up out to get me...?"
FX: "Take a hike son – but be in my office at 0800 tomorrow."
I don't know how this all ended up because I never saw Saintly again after that - he's probably still out there.
--John "Crash" Miottel
Lion Tamer
A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two people show up.
One is an old retired Navy Chief in his mid-sixties and the other is a beautiful blonde in her mid-twenties.
The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you guys better be good or you're history.
Here's your equipment -- chair, whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"
The girl says, "I'll go first." She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage.
The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. About half way there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body. The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles. He continues to lick and kiss her entire body for several minutes and then rests his head at her feet.
The circus owner's mouth is on the floor. He says, "I've never seen a display like that in my life."
He then turns to the retired Navy Chief and asks, "Can you top that?"
The tough old Chief replies, "No problem, just get that lion out of the way."
One is an old retired Navy Chief in his mid-sixties and the other is a beautiful blonde in her mid-twenties.
The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you guys better be good or you're history.
Here's your equipment -- chair, whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"
The girl says, "I'll go first." She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage.
The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. About half way there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body. The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles. He continues to lick and kiss her entire body for several minutes and then rests his head at her feet.
The circus owner's mouth is on the floor. He says, "I've never seen a display like that in my life."
He then turns to the retired Navy Chief and asks, "Can you top that?"
The tough old Chief replies, "No problem, just get that lion out of the way."
Monday, November 20, 2006
Weird
I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.
--Paul McCartney
English singer, songwriter and musician
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