Wednesday, November 15, 2006

Abe & Esther

Abe and Esther are flying to Australia for a two-week vacation to celebrate their 40th anniversary.

Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain announces,"Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt an emergency landing. Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able to land on the beach. However, the odds are that we may never be rescued and will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives!"

Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island.

An hour later Abe turns to his wife and asks, "Esther, did we pay our $5,000 PBS pledge check yet?"

"No, sweetheart," she responds.

Abe, still shaken from the crash landing, then asks, "Esther, did we pay our American Express card yet?"

"Oh, no! I'm sorry. I forgot to send the check," she says.

"One last thing, Esther. Did you remember to send checks for the Visa and MasterCard this month?", he asks.

"Oy, forgive me, Abie," begged Esther. "I didn't send that one, either."

Abe grabs her and gives her the biggest kiss in 40 years.

Esther pulls away and asks him, "So, why did you kiss me?"

Abe answers, "They'll find us!"

Three Kinds...

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobies are there?"

The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there's three kinds of breasts. In her twenties, a women's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions."


"Yes, you see them and they make you cry."

This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, "Mom, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?"

The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In his twenties, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties, it is a birch, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it's like a Christmas tree."

"A Christmas tree?"

"Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are only for decoration."

Sunday, November 12, 2006

Turkey Recipe

1 whole chicken or turkey
1 large lemon, cut into halves
sprig of rosemary
salt and pepper to taste
butter or olive oil, whichever you prefer

Heat oven to 350 degrees

Rub butter or oil over the skin of the chicken/turkey until it is completely coated. Sprinkle with salt and pepper and any other seasonings you prefer.

Take a knife and gently separate the skin from the breast meat; Slide lemon halves under the skin with the peel side up, one on each side. This way the juice from the lemon will release into the breasts.

Place sprig of rosemary into the chicken/turkey.

Cover and bake for 30-45 minutes. Remove cover and continue to roast until juices run clear, basting every 15-20 minutes.

If you've followed these steps correctly, your chicken/turkey should look like the one in the picture.