Wednesday, February 22, 2006

Clarification of Texas Hunting Law

The Texas Parks and Wildlife Department issued a statement today saying Vice President Cheney broke no law by shooting a lawyer instead of a quail over the weekend.

A TPWD spokesman noted that, in Texas, lawyers are not considered game creatures, and are thus not subject to seasonal limitations or bag limits. It was further noted that lawyer hunting was encouraged as the state is overrun with the pesky creatures.

A local food critic said that, contrary to rumor, lawyers do not taste like chicken, but rather like bovine dung which is a major component of their composition. Below is a complete listing of the regulations.....

Texas 2005- 2006 Season and Bag Limit On Attorneys
  1. Any person with a valid Texas hunting license may harvest attorneys.
  2. Attorneys may be taken with traps and deadfalls. Currency may not be used as bait.
  3. Attorneys may not be killed with a motorized vehicle. If accidentally struck, the hunter should move the carcass to the roadside, and proceed to a car wash.
  4. It is unlawful to chase, herd or harvest attorneys from a motor vehicle, watercraft or aircraft. Marked police vehicles may be used as shooting platforms.
  5. It is unlawful to shout, "Whiplash, Ambulance,or Free Booze" for the purpose of trapping attorneys.
  6. It is unlawful to hunt attorneys within 100 yards of Mercedes, BMW, Lexus, or Infiniti dealerships.
  7. It is unlawful for a hunter to disguise himself as a reporter, drug dealer, female law clerk, sheep, accident victim, physician, bookie, or tax accountant for the purpose of hunting attorneys.
  8. Care should be used so as not to endanger any remaining species. We would not want a repetition of the disaster that followed the "no limit" season on the subspecies, "Honest Lawyers". That particular variety is near extinction. Excessive harvesting could diminish the chances for survival of the Bill of Rights.

Bacon for Life

The fellow in the pictures is Larry Earley. He lives about 30 miles from Orlando, in the very rural community of Okahumpka, just off the Florida turnpike in Lake County, Florida. He has 20 acres of land and on it, a few cows and horses. Mostly it's pasture land that is fence ith woods surrounding him.

He is neighbored by a larger cattle ranch.

His neighbor has complained for several years that wild hogs had been raiding his cattle feeders and salt licks.

Last month he saw what he thought was a cow in his pond and went to see if it was stuck in the mud and would have to be pulled out. When he got close enough to realize it was a hog, the thing made a charge at him. He had driven his truck down to the pond and carries a pistol in it (as any Florida redneck would, and I say that with genuine affection). He got his handgun and when it came at him again, he shot it and killed it.

Wild hogs in Florida usually run from 100-400 pounds with a 400 pounder being a monster. Because this one had been feasting on grain for several years it had grown to mammoth size. When Larry took it to the processor it weighed in at over 1100 pounds! The meat has no wild taste, as it was grain fed; and Larry is quite the hero. He has fed many fireman and provided the homeless shelter in downtown Orlando with a couple of meals.

Company Parties

In order to stay in line with the new policy limiting the number of drinks to one beer at official events, we have purchased new cups for the next office get together.