Monday, June 05, 2006

What was number one?

What song was #1 on the day you were born?
Mine was Billie Jean by Michael Jackson, and somehow that scares me.

What about your 16th Birthday?
Your 21st?
When you got married?
Your Parents' Birthdays?

Johnny's Management Lesson

Johnny wanted to make love to a girl in his office.....but she belonged to someone else ...

One day Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said I'll give you a £1000 if you let me make love to you ... but the girl said NO. Johnny said I'll be fast, I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, I'll be finished by the time you pick it up.

She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her boyfriend ... so she called her boyfriend and told him the story.

Her boyfriend says ask him for £2000, pick up the money very fast, he won't even be able to get his pants down. So she agrees and accepts the proposal. Half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend to call. Finally after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls and asks what happened.

She said "The b@$t@rd used coins"

Management lesson: Always consider a business proposal in its entirety before agreeing to it and getting screwed.

The Gambler

I've heard a variation on this one with a bartender, but this one is much better...

The IRS decides to audit Ralph, and summons him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor is not surprised when Ralph shows up with his attorney.

The auditor says, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable."

"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Ralph. "How about a demonstration?"

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, "Okay. Go ahead."

Ralph says, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye."

The auditor thinks a moment and says, "No way! It's a bet."

Ralph removes his glass eye and bites it.

The auditor's jaw drops. Ralph says, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye."

The auditor can tell Ralph isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

Ralph removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Ralph's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

"Want to go double or nothing?" Ralph asks. "I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between."

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this guy can manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Ralph stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Ralph's attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

"Are you okay?" the auditor asks.

"Not really," says the attorney. "This morning, when Ralph told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty thousand dollars that he could come in here and piss all over an IRS official's desk and that you'd be happy about it."

Sunday, June 04, 2006

Assume the Position

Damn Cat!

A couple was dressed and ready to go out for the evening. They turned on a night light, turned on the phone answering machine, covered their pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard. They phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi.

The taxi arrived and the couple opened the front door to leave their house. The cat they had put out into the yard scoots back into the house. They don't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird.

The wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, the man in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, the wife doesn't want the driver to know the house will be empty for the night. She explains to the driver that her husband will be out soon. "He's just going upstairs to say good-bye to my mother."

A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab. "Sorry I took so long," he says as they drive away. "Stupid thing was hiding under the bed. Had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off so I grabbed her by the neck. Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked. I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!"

The cabdriver hit a parked car...

Irish Humor

A woman is sitting at a bar.

A man approaches her. "Hi, honey," he says. "Want a little company?"

"Why?" asks the woman. "Do you have one to sell?"


Q. Why are Irish jokes so simple?

A. So the English can understand them.


Definition of an Irish husband: He hasn't kissed his wife for twenty years, but he will kill any man who does.


The late Bishop Sheen stated that the reason the Irish fight so often among themselves is that they're always assured of having a worthy opponent.


An American lawyer asked, "Paddy, why is it that whenever you ask an Irishman a question, he answers with another question?"

"Who told you that?" asked Paddy.


Reilly went to trial for armed robbery. The jury foreman came out and announced, "Not guilty."

"That's grand!" shouted Reilly, "Does that mean I can keep the money?"


Irish lass customer: "Could I be trying on that dress in the window?"

Shopkeeper: "I'd prefer that you use the dressing room."


Mrs. Feeney shouted from the kitchen, "Is that you I hear spittin' in the vase on the mantle piece?"

"No," said himself,"but I'm gettin' closer all the time."


Q. What do you call an Irishman who knows how to control a wife?

A. A bachelor.


Finnegin: My wife has a terrible habit of staying up 'til two o'clockin the morning. I can't break her of it.

Murphy: What on earth is she doin' at that time?

Finnegin: Waitin' for me to come home.


Slaney phoned the maternity ward at the hospital. "Quick!" he said, "Send an ambulance, my wife is goin' to have a baby!"

"Tell me, is this her first baby?" the intern asked.

"No, this is her husband, Kevin, speakin'."


"O'Ryan," asked the druggist, "did that mudpack I gave you improve your wife's appearance?"

"It did surely," replied O'Ryan, "but it keeps fallin' off!"


Did you hear about the Irish newlyweds who sat up all night on their honeymoon waiting for their sexual relations to arrive?


My mother wanted me to be a priest. Can you imagine giving up your sex life and then once a week people come in to tell you the details and highlights of theirs?


Father Guffy roared from the pulpit to his parishioners: "The drink has killed millions-- it rots their stomachs and they die in agony. Smoking has killed millions-- it coats your lungs and you die in agony. Overeating and consorting with loose women have also killed millions."

"Scuse me, Father," hollered Reagan from the back, "but what is it that kills the people who live right?"

Zen Sarcasm

  1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I
    may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me alone.
  2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and leaky tire.
  3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
  4. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
  5. Always remember that you're unique.....just like everyone else.
  6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
  7. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of house payments.
  8. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
  9. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
  10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat all day long and drink beer.
  11. Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield.
  12. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
  13. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
  14. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
  15. Duct tape is like 'The Force'. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
  16. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
  17. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.
  18. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

Squirrell Wars

A Few Non Clean Ones