Saturday, April 29, 2006

Car Wash

I have previously been getting my car washed monthly by someone from Jim's Car Cleaning. A friend recommended me to another company that comes to your home or office once a week and washes your car. They are really excellent and I have opted to use them and now have my car washed weekly instead of monthly!

Please find attached their price list, list of employees (with photo attached)
for identification and contact details should you be interested.

Cost - Who Cares? Worth Every Penny!
Employees - Who needs to know their names?!

Bathroom Fixtures

I think the last one is my favorite...

Friday, April 28, 2006

Hollywood in 2037

A Few Jew Jokes

Keep Your Mouth Shut

On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed. This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.

Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go. It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.

Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than thirty years of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over $2 million, and informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank. She explained that for the more than three decades she had "charged" him for sex, these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments.

Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out, "If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!"

That's when she shot him.

Jewish Memorial Stone

A Jewish woman's husband dies. He only had $30,000 to his name. After everything was done at the funeral home and cemetery, she tells her closest friend that there is none of the $30,000 left.

The friend said, "How can that be?"

The widow said "Vell, the funeral cost me $6,500. And of course I made a donation to the shul ...that was $500, and I spent another $500 for food and drinks for the people when I was sitting shiva. The rest vent for the memorial stone."

Her friend said, "$22,500 for the memorial stone? Wow, how big is it?"

The widow said, "Three carats."

Fema in New Orleans

Coded Message

After numerous rounds of "We don't know if Osama is still alive" from Ted Kennedy, Osama himself decided to send him a note in his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game.

Kennedy opened the letter and it appeared to contain a single line of coded message:


Kennedy was baffled, so he e-mailed it to John Kerry. Kerry and his aides had no clue either, so they sent it to the FBI.

Within a minute the FBI cabled back with this reply: "Tell Kennedy he's holding the message upside down."

Bird Flu Hits Florida

Thursday, April 27, 2006

Men are Just Happier People

What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100. People never stare! at your chest when you're talking to them. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected. New shoes don't cut blisters or mangle your feet. One mood all the time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life. Your belly usually hides your big hips. One wallet and one pair of shoes one color for all seasons.

You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache. You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier.

Police with a sense of humor

In most northern states, there is a policy of checking on any stalled vehicle on the highway when the temperatures drop into the single digits or below.

One morning in March 2004 about 3 a.m. a Wyoming state police officer responded to a call of a car, off the shoulder, outside the city of Casper.

The officer located the car, with the engine still running, stuck in the deep snow along side the highway. Pulling in behind it with his emergency lights on, the officer walked to the driver's side door to find an older man passed out behind the wheel and a near empty bottle of vodka in the seat beside him.

The officer tapped on the window waking up the driver. Seeing the rotating lights in his rear view mirror and the state policeman standing next to his car, the man panicked. He jerked the gearshift into drive and hit the gas. The car's speedometer was showing 20-30-40. Then hit 50 mph, but it was still stuck in the snow. The policeman, having a sense of humor, began running in place next to the speeding but still stationary car. The driver was totally freaked thinking the officer was actually keeping up with him. This goes on for about 30 seconds when the officer yelled at the man ordering him to pull over!

This time the man obeyed and turned his wheel and stopped the engine.

Once out of the car, the drunken driver asked about the patrolman's special training and just how it was possible for him to run 50 mph. The man was arrested still believing that a state patrolman had outrun his car.


A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it.

Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"

After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, "Wedding Cake."

British Humor

The train was quite crowded, so a U. S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well dressed, middle-aged, French woman's poodle. The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?"

The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular, "Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat."

The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog. "Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired."

She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!"

This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down.

The woman shrieked, "Someone must defend my honor! Put this American in his place!"

An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, "Sir, you Americans often seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window."

Techy Birds & the Bees

A little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?"

The father answers: "Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway!"

Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-caf. We sneaked into a secluded room, I upgraded my floppy to a stiffy and then your Mom agreed to do a download from my hard drive.

As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a blessed little Pop-up appeared and said: "You've Got Male"