Thursday, June 01, 2006

Shoot the Sheep!

Reaction time test.

The Rules According to Men

We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side.

These are our rules! Please note... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine...Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.

1. Thank you for reading this.

Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; but did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

Be Invincible!

There’s an invincible weapon against disease and infection—a cure-it-all remedy that kills any virus it comes in contact with. That includes the most feared biological agents like anthrax, ebola, and H5N1 (the infamous bird flu virus). No known germ has ever managed to develop a resistance to it. It is proven to wipe out cancer cells without harming healthy cells, and it clears plaque-clogged arteries like a charm.

Why haven’t you heard about this wonder drug?

Because it’s not a drug. It’s a food, and its name is garlic.

Garlic cloves, to be exact, emphasizes health journalist Bill Sardi on lewrockwell.com. Garlic pills, while being a staple in health food stores, do not contain or produce allicin, the healing component found in fresh garlic cloves, despite saying so on the label. The garlic powder in the pills, explains Sardi, releases allicin in water, but stomach acid destroys the enzyme aliinase that is necessary to make allicin.

Most garlic pills have acid-resistant shells that are supposed to keep them intact until they reach the upper intestine. But often the resilient shell doesn’t dissolve in time, and the pill passes through the entire digestive system without benefit to the body. What it boils down to: Eat the garlic raw (not cooked) or find a supplement like AGE (aged garlic extract) whose components are uncompromised.

The ancient Romans knew about the beneficial effects of the miracle bulb—their soldiers munched fresh garlic prior to a battle (no doubt also as a deterrent for enemy troops), field doctors treated infections with garlic, and conquerors planted garlic first thing in newly usurped soil.

These are garlic’s amazing health benefits:

  • It kills every virus, bacterium, fungus, and amoeba known to man—without the risk of creating resistance.
  • It can be used as prophylaxis to prevent stomach ulcers and stomach cancer.
  • It can prevent and successfully treat anthrax, dysentery, salmonella, staphylococcus, klebsiella, SARS, herpes, etc.
  • Studies have found that it penetrates and kills cancer cells, without harming the healthy ones.
  • It inhibits the formation of plaque on artery walls.
  • It controls insulin levels and helps prevent weight gain.


Interestingly, while garlic reliably kills influenza viruses, no exceptions, the much-touted flu vaccines or the new “miracle drug” Tamiflu that tens of thousands panicked people have started hoarding, are not so lucky. In fact, it is not at all clear that they do anything. In other words, in the unlikely event of a true avian flu epidemic with human-to-human transmission, fresh garlic will be your best bet.

But don’t count on hearing much about this in the mainstream media. After all, Big Pharma makes its money by peddling drugs, not things you find in the produce aisle.

[For a Japanese-American study on the benefits of garlic and garlic supplements, click here.]

Wednesday, May 31, 2006

Who Thought of that?

Take note of these 'Domain Names. Some of them are prime candidates for the "What was I thinking?" Award.
ALL of these websites actually exist, selling something totally benign.


1). A site called 'Who represents' where you can find the name of the agent that represents a celebrity.Their domain name is: www.whorepresents.com

2). 'Experts Exchange', a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views at: www.expertsexchange.com

3). Looking for a pen ? Look no further than 'Pen Island' at: www.penisland.net

4). Need a 'therapist' ? Try 'Therapist Finder' at: www.therapistfinder.com

5). Then of course, there's the 'Italian Power Generator Company' www.powergenitalia.com

6). And now, we have the Mole Station Native Nursery, based in New South Wales: www.molestationnursery.com

7). If you're looking for computer software, there's always www.ipanywhere.com

8). Welcome to the First Cumming Methodist Church. Their website is www.cummingfirst.com

9). Then, of course, there's these brainless art designers, and their whacky website: www.speedofart.com

10). Want to holiday in Lake Tahoe ? Try their brochure website at: www.gotahoe.com

The Water Cooler

The Boss was in a quandary. He had to fire somebody. He had it narrowed down to one of two people, Debra or Jack.

It was an impossible decision, they were both super workers.

Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning.

Debra came in the next morning with a horrible hang-over after partying all night. She went to the cooler to take an aspirin.

The Boss approached her and said: "Debra, I've never done this before, but I have to lay you or Jack off."

"Could you jack off?" she said. "I feel like shit."

Theory of Negativity

A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded: "Rome ? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome . So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome ?"

"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome 's Tiber River called Teste."

"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks it's gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump, the worst hotel in the city! The rooms are small, the service is surly, and they're overpriced. So, whatcha' doing when you get there?"

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.

"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican , a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand; I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."

"Oh really! What'd he say?"

He said: "Where'd you get the shitty hairdo?"

The Naked Runner

A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work.

One wet and lusty day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway.

"Oh my God - hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband's home early!"

"I can't jump out the window! It's raining out there!"

"If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!" she replied. "He's got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your problems!"

So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes, and jumps out the window.

As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon, so he started running along beside the others, about 300 of them.

Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in as best he could. After a little while a small group of runners who had been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer.

"Do you always run in the nude?" one asked.

"Oh yes!" he replied, gasping in air. "It feels so wonderfully free!"

Another runner moved a long side. "Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?"

"Oh, yes" our friend answered breathlessly. "That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!

Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and queried, "Do you always wear a condom when you run?"

"Nope, just when it's raining."

Tuesday, May 30, 2006

Ocean

I have no idea how this works, I have never been that good at these optical pictures!!!! But the friend who sent me this said if you stare at it long enough, you should be able to see the ocean.....






Amish Defroster

An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blustery day.

The daughter said to her mother, "My hands are freezing cold."

The mother replied, "Put them between your legs. Your body heat will warm them up."

The daughter did, and her hands warmed up.

The next day the daughter was riding with her boy friend who said, "My hands are freezing cold."

The girl replied, "Put them between my legs The warmth of my body will warm them up." He did, and warmed his hands.

The following day the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the daughter. He said, "My nose is cold."

The girl replied "Put it between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm it up." He did, and warmed his nose.

The next day the boyfriend was again driving with the daughter, and he said, "My penis is frozen solid."

The following day the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother again, and she says to her mother, "Have you ever heard of a penis?"

Slightly concerned the mother said, "Why, yes. Why do you ask?"

The daughter replies, "They make one hell of a mess when they defrost, don't they!"

Monday, May 29, 2006

I was Elmo...

...But my answers were all over the place.


Everyone has a personality of a cartoon character.

Have you ever asked yourself what cartoon character do you most resemble?

A group of investigators got together and analyzed the personalities of well known and modern cartoon characters.

The information that was gathered was made into this test.

Answer all the questions with what describes you best, add up all your Points (which are next to the answer that you choose) at the end and look for your results.

Do not cheat by looking at the end of the e-mail before you are done. Then forward this to all your friends (including the person who sent it to you) and change the subject of this message to what character is you.

  1. Which one of the following describes the perfect date?
    1. Candlelight dinner (4 pts.)
    2. Fun/Theme Park (2 pts.)
    3. Painting in the park (5 pts.)
    4. Rock concert (1 pt.)
    5. Going to the movies (3 pts.)

  2. What is your favorite type of music?
    1. Rock and Roll (2 pts.)
    2. Alternative (1 pt.)
    3. Soft Rock (4 pts.)
    4. Country (5 pts.)
    5. Pop (3 pts.)

  3. What type of movies do you prefer?
    1. Comedy (2 pts.)
    2. Horror (1 pt.)
    3. Musical (3 pts.)
    4. Romance (4 pts.)
    5. Documentary (5 pts.)

  4. Which one of these occupations would you choose if you only could
    choose one of these?
    1. Waiter (4 pts.)
    2. Professional Sports Player (5 pts.)
    3. Teacher (3 pts.)
    4. Police (2 pts.)
    5. Cashier (1 pt)

  5. What do you do with your spare time?
    1. Exercise (5 pts.)
    2. Read (4 pts.)
    3. Watch television (2 pts.)
    4. Listen to music (1 pt.)
    5. Sleep (3 pts.)

  6. Which one of the following colors do you like best?
    1. Yellow (1 pt.)
    2. White (5 pts.)
    3. Sky Blue (3 pts.)
    4. Dark Blue (2 pts.)
    5. Red (4 pts.)

  7. What do you prefer to eat?
    1. Snow (3 pts.)
    2. Pizza (2 pts.)
    3. Sushi (1 pt.)
    4. Pasta (4 pts.)
    5. Salad (5 pts.)

  8. What is your favorite holiday?
    1. Halloween (1 pt.)
    2. Christmas (3 pts.)
    3. New Year (2 pts.)
    4. Valentine's Day (4 pts.)
    5. Thanksgiving (5 pts.)

  9. If you could go to one of these places which one would it be?
    1. Paris (4 pts)
    2. Spain (5 pts)
    3. Las Vegas (1 pt)
    4. Hawaii (4 pts)
    5. Hollywood (3 pts)

  10. With which of the following would you prefer to spend time with?
    1. Someone Smart (5 pts.)
    2. Someone attractive (2 pts.)
    3. Someone who likes to Party (1 pt.)
    4. Someone who always has fun (3 pts.)
    5. Someone very sentimental (4 pts.)


Now add up your points and find out the answer you have been waiting for!

Put up a comment and post who you are!

Very interesting to see "who" your friends are!


(10-16 points) You are Garfield:
You are very comfortable, easy going, and you definitely know how to have fun but sometimes you take it to an extreme. You always know what you are doing and you are always in control of your life. Others may not see things as you do, but that doesn't mean that you always have to do what is right. Try to remember, your happy spirit may hurt you or others.


(17-23 points) You are Snoopy:
You are fun, you are very cool and popular. You always know what's in and you are never are out of style. You are good at knowing how to satisfy everyone else. You have probably disappeared for a few days more than once but you always come home with the family values that you learned. Being married and having children are important to you, but only after you have had your share of fun times.


(24-28 points) You are Elmo:
You have lots of friends and you are also popular, always willing to give advice and help out a person in need. You are very optimistic and you always see the bright side of things. Some good advice: try not to be too much of a dreamer. Dreaming too big could cause many conflicts in your life.


(29-35 points) You are Sponge Bob Square Pants: You are the classic person that everyone loves. You are the best friend that anyone could ever have and never wants to lose. You never cause harm to anyone and they would never not understand your feelings. Life is a journey, it's funny and calm for the most part. Stay away from traitors and jealous people, and you will be stress free.


(36-43 points) You are Charlie Brown: You are tender, you fall in love quickly but you are also very serious about all relationships. You are a family person. You call your Mom every Sunday. You have many friends and may occasionally forget a few Birthdays. Don't let your passion confuse you with reality.


(44-50 points) You are Dexter:
You are smart and definitely a thinker... Every situation is fronted with a plan. You have a brilliant mind. You demonstrate very strong family principles. You maintain a stable routine but never ignore a bad situation when it comes. Try to do less over thinking every once in a while to spice things up a bit with spontaneity!