Saturday, May 27, 2006

How Do These People Survive??

ONE

Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen nuggets. "We don't have half dozen nuggets," said the teenager at the counter. "You don't?" I replied. "We only have six, nine, or twelve," was the reply. "So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?" "That's right." So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets

TWO

I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those "dividers" that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed. After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the "divider", looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it. Not finding the bar code she said to me, "Do you know how much this is?" I said to her "I've changed my mind, I don't think I'll buy that today." She said "OK," and I paid her for the things and left. She had no clue to what had just happened.

THREE

A lady at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly. When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM "thingy."

FOUR

I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. "Do you need some help?" I asked. She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?" "Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?" I asked. "No, just this remote thingy," she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk."

FIVE

Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?" "Just use copier machine paper," the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five "blank" copies.

SIX

I was in a car dealership a while ago, when a large motor home was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in "Twister." I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the "cruise control" and then went in the back to make a sandwich.

SEVEN

My neighbor works in the operations department in the central office of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problems with their computers. One night he got a call from a woman in one of the branch banks who had this question: "I've got smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?"

EIGHT

Police in Radnor, Pa., interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.

NINE

A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she needs to take her kid to the emergency room, the kid was eating ants. The dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and should be fine, the mother says, I just gave him some ant killer.....

Dispatcher: Rush him in to emergency

Life is tough. It's tougher if you're stupid

The Ass Family

Bad Date

Life in Southern California

A California Highway Patrolman pulled a car over and told the driver that, because he had been wearing his seat belt, he had just won $5,000 in the statewide safety competition.

"What are you going to do with the money?" asked the policeman.

"Well, I guess I'm going to get a driver's license." he answered. "Oh, don't listen to him." yelled a woman in the passenger seat.
"He's a smart ass when he's drunk."

This woke up the guy in the back seat who took one look at the cop and moaned, "I knew we wouldn't get far in a stolen car."

At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a voice said, in Spanish, "Are we over the border yet?"

Friday, May 26, 2006

Thursday, May 25, 2006

Pedro's Quotes

It was the first day of school and a new student named Pedro Martinez, the son of a Mexican restaurateur, entered the fourth grade.

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. "Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death?' "She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Pedro, who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775."

"Very good!" said the teacher. "Now, who said, "Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth?"

Again, no response except from Pedro: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863."

The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed! Pedro, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do!"

She heard a loud whisper: "Screw the Mexicans!"

"Who said that?" she demanded.

Pedro put his hand up. "Jim Bowie, 1836."

At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke."

The teacher glared and asked, "All right! Now, who said that?"

Again, Pedro answered, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."

Now furious, another student yelled, "Oh yeah? Suck this!"

Pedro jumped out of his chair waving his hand and shouting to the teacher, "Bill Clinton to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"

Now, with almost a mob hysteria, someone said, "You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you!"

Pedro frantically yelled at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit to Chandra Levy, 2001."

The teacher fainted, and as the class gathered around her on the floor, someone said, "Oh shit, we're in BIG trouble now!"

Pedro whispered, "Saddam Hussein, 2003."

Finally someone throws a eraser at Pedro, someone shouted "Duck"! The teacher, just waking, asked "Who said that?

Pedro called out, "Dick Cheney 2006!"

Monday, May 22, 2006

Water as a Fuel?

Not a joke, but really fabulous!



This clip, which aired on FOX news, shows a new invention that converts water into HHO and makes it thus possible to use it as fuel in automobiles.

Watch this short video and let me know what you think.

If this is true, the fossil fuel Establishment may attempt to suppress this technology so the only hope for its survival may be mass dissemination over the Internet until the ethical elements in the science and technology community are able to confirm/promote or debunk it.

Download, save and watch the file at http://www.mecfilms.com/mid/movies/waterfuel.wmv If you feel this invention has merit, pass this URL onto others and set up mirror sites. This clip has a running time of 2 minutes and 39 seconds.

Sunday, May 21, 2006

The Amazing Italian

A salesman drove into a small town where a circus was in process. A sign read: "Don't Miss The Amazing Italian"

The salesman bought a ticket and sat down. There, on center stage, was a table with three walnuts on it. Standing next to it was an old Italian. Suddenly, the old man dropped his pants, whipped out his huge male member and smashed all three walnuts with three mighty swings. The crowd erupted in applause as the elderly Italian was carried off on the shoulders of the crowd.

Ten years later the salesman visited the same little town and saw the faded sign for the same circus and the same sign "Don't Miss The Amazing Italian!" He couldn't believe the old guy was still alive much less still doing his act, so again he bought a ticket to the show.

Again, the center ring was illuminated. This time, however, instead of walnuts, three coconuts were placed on the table. The Italian stood before them, then suddenly drops his pants and smashed the coconuts with three swings of his amazing member. The crowd went wild!

Flabbergasted, the salesman requested a meeting with him after the show. "You're incredible!" he told the Italian. "But I have to know something. You're older now, why switch from walnuts to coconuts?"

"Well," said the Italian, "My eyesa no whata they used to be."

Hormone Hostage

The Hormone Hostage knows that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his very life into his own hands! This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, or significant other!!

DANGEROUS: What's for dinner? SAFER: Can I help you with dinner? SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner? ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate.

DANGEROUS: Are you wearing that? SAFER: Gee, you look good in brown. SAFEST: WOW! Look at you! ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate.

DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about? SAFER: What did I do wrong? SAFEST: Here's fifty dollars. ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate.

DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that? SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left. SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that? ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate.

DANGEROUS: What did you do all day? SAFER: I hope you didn't overdo it today. SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe! ULTRASAFE: Here, have some more chocolate.

13 Things PMS Stands For:
  1. Pass My Shotgun
  2. Psychotic Mood Shift
  3. Perpetual Munching Spree
  4. Puffy Mid-Section
  5. People Make me Sick
  6. Provide Me with Sweets
  7. Pardon My Sobbing
  8. Pimples May Surface
  9. Pass My Sweatpants
  10. Pissy Mood Syndrome
  11. Plainly; Men Suck
  12. Pack My Stuff
  13. Potential Murder Suspect


Another thing to giggle about... My husband, not happy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be able to monitor my moods. When I'm in a good mood, it turns green. When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big red mark on his forehead. Maybe next time he'll buy me diamonds.

Here have some chocolate.

Check Your Zipper

Top Ten most Polite Ways to Say Your Zipper Is Down....by David Letterman
  • 10. The cucumber has left the salad.
  • 9. Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bells.
  • 8. You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position.
  • 7. Paging Mr. Johnson... Paging Mr. Johnson...
  • 6. Elvis is leaving the building.
  • 5. The Buick is not all the way in the garage.
  • 4. Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction.
  • 3. You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones.
  • 2. Men may be From Mars.....but I can see something that rhymes with Venus.

  • And the #1 way to tell someone his zipper is unzipped.....

  • I always knew you were crazy, but now I can see your nuts.

Get Back to Work!

The San Francisco Zoo has an elephant named Calle who has a chronic illness, requiring medication. The zoo people couldn't get Calle to take her dose orally, so a pharmacologist developed an anal suppository.

The 10-inch-long, four-pound, cocoa-butter bullets are crafted by the good folks at Guittard Chocolates in Burlingame.

Administering the DAILY medication takes five zoo workers, including one person to distract Calle with treats and one person who wears a full-arm glove.

FIVE people have jobs worse than yours.

Now stop complaining and get back to work!

Gramdma's in Trouble

Little Tony was staying with his grandmother for a few days. He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked her, "Grandma, what is that called when two people are sleeping in the same room and one is on top of the other?"

She was a little taken aback, but decided to tell him the truth. "It's called sexual intercourse, darling."

Little Tony just said, "Oh, OK" and went back outside to talk and play with the other kids.

A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, "Grandma, it is not called sexual intercourse! It's called bunk beds! -- and Jimmy's Mom wants to talk to you!!"

You Know You're a Redneck When...

  1. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.
  2. You can entertain yourself for more than 15 minutes with a fly swatter.
  3. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
  4. You burn your yard rather than mow it.
  5. You think "The Nutcracker" is something you do off the high dive.
  6. The Salvation Army declines your furniture.
  7. You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it.
  8. You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.
  9. You come back from the dump with more than you took.
  10. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.
  11. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
  12. Your grandmother has "ammo" on her Christmas list.
  13. You keep flea and tick soap in the shower.
  14. You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.
  15. You go to the stock car races and don't need a program.
  16. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.
  17. You have a rag for a gas cap.
  18. Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.
  19. You wonder how service stations keep their restroom's so clean.
  20. You can spit without opening your mouth.
  21. You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it.
  22. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
  23. You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say "Cool Whip" on the side.
  24. The biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart.
  25. Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.
  26. You've used your ironing board as a buffet table.
  27. A tornado hits your neighborhood and does $100,000 worth of improvements.
  28. You've used a toilet brush to scratch your back.
  29. You missed your 5th grade graduation because you were on jury duty.
  30. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65.