A Year in Blonde Review

• January - Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.
• February - Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels..... Helllloooo!?!? Those bottles won't fit in printer!!!
• March - Got really excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months.....box said "2-4 years!"
• April - Trapped on escalator for hours ..... power went out!!!
• May - Tried to make Kool-Aid.....wrong instructions....8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!!
• June - Tried to go water skiing.....couldn't find a lake with a slope.
• July - Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....learned later, the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!
• August - Got locked out of my car in rain storm.....it got swamped because soft-top was open.
• September - The capital of California is "C".....isn't it???
• October - Hate M & M's.....they are so hard to peel.
• November - Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days....instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!
• December - Couldn't call 911 ..... "duh".....there's no "eleven" button> > on the stupid phone!!!

What a year !!! Have a nice Day!

Pray for Jim

A woman named Jill stood up at her church's Testimony Meeting, or as some churches call it, "Cry Sunday", one Sunday morning, took the microphone from one of the church ushers, and bared her soul to the enraptured congregation:

"I want to tell you about the awful accident that my husband, Jim, has suffered this past month. He was riding his Harley, lost control, ran off the highway and hit a tree. He was rushed to the hospital, and could have died, but thank the Lord, all he suffered was a broken scrotum."

The congregation gasped in horror. The men in the congregation were obviously uneasy and writhed in their seats. "Jim has been in terrible pain all month since the accident. He has trouble breathing. He has trouble swallowing his food. He can hardly lift anything, he's in so much pain, and he has missed work because of it. He can't lift our children up to hold them and give them the personal love that they need. Worst of all, we can no longer cuddle and have intimate relations. He is in constant pain, a pain so terrible that our love life has all but slipped away into oblivion. I would like to ask you all in the congregation to pray for Jim, and pray for us, that his broken scrotum will soon heal and be as good as new."

A dull murmur erupted within the congregation as the full impact of this terrible accident sunk in, and the men in the congregation were visibly shaken up with the thought that, "there but for the grace of God go I."

Then, as the murmuring settled down, a lone figure stood up in midst of the congregation, worked his way up to the pulpit, obviously in pain, adjusted the microphone to his liking, then leaned over and said to the congregation:

"My name is Jim, and I have only one word for my wife, Jill. That word is: STERNUM!"

Changing the Church

The elderly priest, speaking to the younger priest, said, "It was a good idea to replace the first four pews with plush bucket theater seats. It worked like a charm. The front of the church always fills first now."

The young priest nodded, and the old priest continued, "And you told me adding a little more beat to the music would bring young people back to church, so I supported you when you brought in that rock' n 'roll gospel choir. Now our services are consistently packed to the balcony."

"Thank you, Father," answered the young priest. "I am pleased that you are open to the new ideas of youth."

"All of these ideas have been well and good," said the elderly priest, "But I'm afraid you've gone too far with the drive-thru confessional."

"But, Father," protested the young priest, "my confessions and the donations have nearly doubled since I began that!"

"Yes," replied the elderly priest, "And I appreciate that. But the flashing neon sign, 'Toot 'n Tell or Go to Hell' cannot stay on the church roof."

Old Motor

He's 80, she's 20. It was the stir of the town when an 80 year old man married a 20 year old girl.

After a year of marriage she went into the hospital to give birth. The nurse came out to congratulate the fellow saying: "This is amazing. How do you do it at your age?"

He answered, "You got to keep the old motor running."

The following year the young bride gave birth again. The same nurse said: "You're amazing. How do you do it?"

He again said: "You've got the keep the old motor running"

The same thing happened the next year. The nurse then said: "Well, well, well!!! You certainly are quite a man!"

He responded again, "You've got to keep that old motor running"

The nurse said: "Well, you better change the oil. This one's black."

Ice Cream

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.

The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"

"No," he replied, "Arthritis."

QC

This is a comic strip that I love. This one was a particularly good strip with little plotline in it. You should go back to the beginning of the strip and read it all. There are about 800 strips right now, but it is soooo funny. It's worth the 8 hours it will take you.

Duck You!

A big city lawyer from London went duck hunting in rural Scotland...

He soon shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the far side of a fence.

As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked the lawyer what he was doing.

The lawyer responded, "I shot a duck and it fell into this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."

The old farmer replied. "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."

The indignant lawyer replied, "I'm one of the best trial lawyers in the UK, and if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything that you own."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things here in Scotland. We settle small disagreements with the 'Scottish Three Kick Rule'."

"What is the Scottish Three Kick Rule?" asked the lawyer.

The farmer replied, "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth until someone gives up."

The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take on the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly got down from the tractor and walked up to the city fella. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's groin, which dropped him to his knees.

His second kick nearly ripped the nose off his face.

The lawyer was flat on his belly, when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly causing him to give up, but didn't.

The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, you old tosser, now it's my turn."

The old farmer smiled and said,

"Naw, I give up, You can fetch your duck!"

Hearing

A man feared his wife was not hearing as well as she used to, and he thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family doctor to discuss the problem.

The doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.

"Here's what you do," said the doctor " Stand about 40 feet away from her and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response."

That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den.

He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away. Let's see what happens."

In a normal tone he asks, "Honey, what's for dinner?"

No response.

So the husband moves to closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife, and repeats, "Honey, what's for dinner?"

Still no response.

Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, "Honey, what's for dinner?"

Again, no response..

So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. "Honey, what's for dinner?"

Again, there is no response.

So he walks right up behind her. "Honey, what's for dinner?"

"Earl, for the 5th time, CHICKEN!"