Irish Daughter

An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her father cussed her. "Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old mum through?"

The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff.... dad.... I became a prostitute...."

"Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this family."

"OK, dad-- as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a savings certificate for $5 million. For me little brother, this gold Rolex and for ye daddy,the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside, plus a membership to the country club.... (takes a breath).... and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera, and...."

"Now what was it ye said ye had become?! " says dad.

Girl, crying again, "Sniff, Sniff.... a prostitute dad! Sniff, sniff."

"Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant'. Come here and give yer old man a hug!"

Signs of a Woman

Don't swallow Ocean Water

Arkansas Quarter

Hang on to any of the new Arkansas Quarters. If you have them, they may be worth much more than 25 cents. The US Mint announced today that it is recalling all of the Arkansas quarters that are part of its program featuring quarters from each state. This action is being taken after numerous reports that the new quarters will not work in parking meters, toll booths, vending machines, pay phones or any other coin operated devices.

The problem lies in the unique design of the Arkansas quarter, which was designed by a team of Ozark specialists. Apparently the duct tape holding the two dimes and the nickel together keeps jamming up the machines.

Lady with a car...

A lady walked into a Lexus dealership just to browse.

Suddenly she spotted the most beautiful car that she had ever seen,

and walked over to inspect it. As she bent forward to feel the fine leather upholstery, an unexpected little fart escaped her.

Embarrassed, she anxiously looked around to see if anyone had noticed and hoped a salesperson didn't pop up right now.

But, as she turned back, there, standing next to her, is a salesman.

With a pleasant smile he greeted her, "Good day, Madame. How may we help you today?"

Trying to maintain an air of sophistication and acting as though nothing had happened, she smiles back and asked, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?"

Still smiling pleasantly, he replied, "Madame, I'm very sorry to say that if you farted just by touching it, you’re gonna shit when you hear the price."

Dr. Phil Test

Below is Dr. Phil test. (Dr. Phil scored 55; he did this test on Oprah - she got a 38.)

1. When do you feel your best?
1. in the morning
2. during the afternoon and early evening
3. late at night
2. You usually walk...
1. fairly fast, with long steps
2. fairly fast, with little steps
3. less fast head up, looking the world in the face
4. less fast, head down
5. very slowly
3. When talking to people you...
1. stand with your arms folded
2. have your hands clasped
3. have one or both your hands on your hips
4. touch or push the person to whom you are talking
5. play with your ear, touch your chin, or smooth your hair
4. When relaxing, you sit with....
1. your knees bent with your legs neatly side by side
2. your legs crossed
3. your legs stretched out or straight
4. one leg curled under you
5. When something really amuses you, you react with...
1. a big appreciative laugh
2. a laugh, but not a loud one
3. a quiet chuckle
4. a sheepish smile
6. When you go to a party or social gathering you...
1. make a loud entrance so everyone notices you
2. make a quiet entrance, looking around for someone you know
3. make the quietest entrance, trying to stay unnoticed
7. You're working very hard, concentrating hard, and you're interrupted...
1. welcome the break
2. feel extremely irritated
3. vary between these two extremes
8. Which of the following colors do you like most?
1. Red or orange
2. black
3. yellow or light blue
4. green
5. dark blue or purple
6. white
7. brown or gray
9. When you are in bed at night, in those last few moments before going to sleep you are....
1. stretched out on your back
2. stretched out face down on your stomach
3. on your side, slightly curled
4. with your head on one arm
5. with your head under the covers
10. You often dream that you are...
1. falling
2. fighting or struggling
3. searching for something or somebody
4. flying or floating
5. you usually have dreamless sleep
6. your dreams are always pleasant

Points

1. (a) 2 (b) 4 (c) 6

2. (a) 6 (b) 4 (c) 7 (d) 2 (e) 1

3. (a) 4 (b) 2 (c) 5 (d) 7 (e) 6

4. (a) 4 (b) 6 (c) 2 (d) 1

5. (a) 6 (b) 4 (c) 3 (d) 5 (e) 2

6. (a) 6 (b) 4 (c) 2

7 (a) 6 (b) 2 (c) 4

8. (a) 6 (b) 7 (c) 5 (d) 4 (e) 3 (f) 2 (g) 1

9. (a) 7 (b) 6 (c) 4 (d) 2 (e) 1

10. (a) 4 (b) 2 ( c) 3 (d) 5 (e) 6 (f) 1 *

Now add up the total number of points. _

Over 60 Points: Others see you as someone they should "handle with care." You're seen as vain, self-centered, and who is extremely dominant. Others may admire you, wishing they could be more like you, but don't always trust you, hesitating to become too deeply involved with you.

51 to 60 Points: Others see you as an exciting, highly volatile, rather impulsive personality; a natural leader, who's quick to make decisions, though not always the right ones. They see you as bold and adventuresome, someone who will try anything once; someone who takes chances and enjoys an adventure. They enjoy being in your company because of the excitement you radiate.

41 to 50 Points: Others see you as fresh, lively, charming, amusing, practical, and always interesting; someone who's constantly in the center of attention, but sufficiently well-balanced not to let it go to their head. They also see you as kind, considerate, and understanding; someone who'll always cheer them up and help them out.

31 to 40 Points: Others see you as sensible, cautious, careful & practical. They see you as clever, gifted, or talented, but modest. Not a person who makes friends too quickly or easily, but someone who's extremely loyal to friends you do make and who expect the same loyalty in return. Those who really get to know you realize it takes a lot to shake your trust in your friends, but equally that it takes you a long time to get over if that trust is ever broken.

21 to 30 Points: Your friends see you as painstaking and fussy. They see you as very cautious, extremely careful, a slow and steady plodder. It would really surprise them if you ever did something impulsively or on the spur of the moment, expecting you to examine everything carefully from every angle and then , usually decide against it. They think this reaction is caused partly by your careful nature._

Under 21 points: People think you are shy, nervous, and indecisive, someone who needs looking after, who always wants someone else to make the decisions & who doesn't want to get involved with anyone or anything! They see you as a worrier who always sees problems that don't exist Some people think you' re boring. Only those who know you well know that you aren't.

I got a 40...