Punny Lookin'

• I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
• Police were called to a daycare where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
• Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
• The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
• To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
• When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate.
• The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
• A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
• A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement. He became a hardened criminal.
• Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking.
• We'll never run out of math teachers because they always multiply.
• When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, UCLA.
• The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He did a number on it.
• The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.
• The dead batteries were given out free of charge.
• If you take a laptop computer for a run, you could jog your memory.
• A dentist and a manicurists fought tooth and nail.
• What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway.)
• A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two-tired.
• Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
• A backward poet writes inverse.
• In a democracy, it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.
• A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.
• If you don't pay your exorcist, you can get repossessed.
• With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
• Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.
• When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
• The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.
• A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France, resulting in Linoleum Blownapart.
• You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
• He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
• A calendar's days are numbered.
• A lot of money is tainted: 'taint yours and 'taint mine.
• A boiled egg is hard to beat.
• He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
• A plateau is a high form of flattery.
• Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
• When you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.
• When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.
• Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.
• Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
• Acupuncture: a jab well done.