Friday, January 13, 2006

Thursday, January 12, 2006

Are you a 90's kid?

Are you a 90's kid? I AM!
(Just 'cuz you were born in '92 doesn't mean you're a 90's kid. It's not like you could remember the original Simpsons.)

You know you're a 90's kid if:
  • You've ever ended a sentence with the word "PSYCHE!"
  • You can sing the rap to "The Fresh Prince Of Bel Air"
  • You've worn skorts and felt stylish
  • You yearned to be part of the Baby-Sitters club
  • You use to love playing with your MY Little Pet Shop
  • You know that "WOAH" comes from Joey from "Blossom" and that "How Rude!" comes from Stephanie from "Full House"
  • You remember when it was actually worth getting up early
    on a Saturday to watch cartoons.
  • You wore a ponytail on the side of your head and had fluffed bangs
  • You got super excited when it was Oregon Trail day in computer class at school.
  • You wanted to change your name to "JEM" in kindergarten
  • You remember reading "Goosebumps"
  • You know the profound meaning of "Wax on, wax off"
  • You have pondered why Smurfette was the only female smurf.
  • You took plastic cartoon lunch boxes to school.
  • You remember the craze then the banning of slap bracelets and slam books.
  • You still get the urge to say "NOT" after (almost) every sentence...Not...
  • You knew that Kimberly, the pink ranger, and Tommy, the green Ranger were meant to be together.
  • You remember "I've fallen and I can't get up"
  • You remember going to the skating rink before there were inline skates
  • You ever got injured on a Slip 'n' Slide
  • You wore socks over leggings scrunched down
  • "Miss Mary Mack, Mack, Mack, all dressed in black, black, black, with silver buttons, buttons, buttons, all down her back, back, back" SHE ASKED HER MOTHER MOTHER MOTHER FOR FIFTY CENTS CENTS CENTS TO SEE THE ELEPHANTS ELEPHANTS ELEPHANTS JUMP OVER THE FENCE THE FENCE THE FENCE" he jumped so high high high he touched the sky sky sky and he didnt come back back back til the forth of july ly ly he jumped so low ow ow he stumbed he's toe oe oe and thats the end end end of the elephants show ow ow
  • You remember boom boxes vs. cd players
  • You knew what it meant to say "Care Bear Stare"
  • You remember Alf, the little brown alien from Melmac and Vicki the Robot from "MY Little Wonder"
  • You remember New Kids on The Block when they were cool
  • You knew all the characters names and their life stories on "Saved By The Bell" (and 'Family Matters')
  • You played and or collected "Pogs"
  • You used to pretend to be a MIGHTY MORPHIN Power Ranger and you owned a Skip It
  • You had at least one GigaPet or Nano and brought it everywhere
  • You watched the original Care Bears, My Little Pony, and Ninja Turtles
  • All your school supplies were "Lisa Frank" brand.(pencils.notebooks.binders.etc.)
  • Yikes pencils and erasers were the shit.
  • You remember when the new Beanie Babies were always sold out.
  • You used to wear those stick on earings, not only on your ears, but at the corners of your eyes.
  • You remember a time before the WB.
  • You've gotten creeped out by "Are You Afraid of the Dark?"
  • You thought it would be so cool to be Alex Mack.
  • You know the Macarena by heart.. LOL
  • "Talk to the hand" ... enough said "Loser" (complete with the hand movement)
  • You thought Brain woud finally take over the world
  • You always said, "Then why don't you marry it!"

Wednesday, January 11, 2006

I'm not overweight!

We all get heavier as we get older because there's a lot more information in our heads. So I'm not fat, I'm just really intelligent and my head couldn't hold any more so it started filling up the rest of me!

Monday, January 09, 2006

Pissed Off

This is probably the funniest date story ever, first date or not!!! We have all had bad dates... but this takes the cake. This just tells you how tough it is to be single nowadays. This was on the "Tonight Show" with Jay Leno. Jay went into the audience to find the most embarrassing first date that a woman ever had. The winner described her worst first date experience. There was absolutely no question as to why her tale took the prize!

She said it was midwinter... snowing and quite cold... and the guy had taken her skiing in the mountains outside of Salt Lake City, Utah. It was a day trip (no overnight). They were strangers, after all, and truly had never met before. The outing was fun but relatively uneventful until they were headed home late that afternoon. They were driving back down the mountain, when she gradually began to realize that she should not have had that extra latte.

They were about an hour away from anywhere with a rest room and in the middle of nowhere! Her companion suggested she try to hold it, which she did for a while.

Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and slow going, there came a point where she told him that he had better stop and let her pee beside the road, or it would be the front seat of his car. They stopped and she quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked her pants down and started. In the deep snow she didn't have good footing so she let her butt rest against the rear fender to steady herself.

Her companion stood on the side of the car watching for traffic and indeed was a real gentleman and refrained from peeking. All she could think about was the relief she felt despite the rather embarrassing & nature of the situation. Upon finishing however, she soon became aware of another sensation. As she bent to pull up her pants, the young lady discovered her buttocks were firmly glued against the car's fender. Thoughts of tongues frozen to pump handles immediately came to mind as she attempted to disengage her flesh from the icy metal. It was quickly apparent that she had a brand new problem due to the extreme cold.

Horrified by her plight and yet aware of the humor of the moment, she answered her date's concerns about "what is taking so long" with a reply that indeed, she was "freezing her butt off and in need of some assistance!"

He came around the car as she tried to cover herself with her sweater and then, as she looked imploringly into his eyes, he burst out laughing. She too, got the giggles and when they finally managed to compose themselves, they assessed her dilemma. Obviously, as hysterical as the situation was, they also were faced with a real problem.

Both agreed it would take something hot to free her chilly cheeks from the grip of the icy metal! Thinking about what had gotten her into the predicament in the first place, both quickly realized that there was only one way to get her free. So, as she looked the other way, her first-time date proceeded to unzip his pants and pee her butt off the fender.

As the audience screamed in laughter, she took the Tonight Show prize hands down... or perhaps that should be "pants down." ...And you thought your first date was embarrassing. Jay Leno's comment ... "This gives a whole new meaning to being 'Pissed off!'"

Sunday, January 08, 2006

Michelin Baby

The Facts of Life


Never, Ever, fart in a wetsuit!!!!

Memo: Effective 1/1/06

Dress Code:
  • It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.
  • If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise.
  • If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

Sick Days:
  • We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Personal Days:
  • Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.

Bereavement Leave:
  • This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements.
  • In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.

Toilet Use:
  • Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken.
  • After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders category".
  • Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sanctioned under the company's mental health policy.

Lunch Break:
  • Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy.
  • Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.
  • Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.