Saturday, December 31, 2005

Too Young to Die

Tom did like he always does, he kissed his wife, crawled into bed and fell asleep.

All of a sudden, he woke up with an elderly man dressed in a white robe standing in front of his bed.

"What the hell are you doing in my bedroom and who are you?" he asked.

"This is not your bedroom," the man replied, "I am St. Peter and you are in heaven."

"WHAT! Are you saying I'm dead? I don't want to die! I'm too young," said Tom. "I want you to send me back immediately."

"It's not that easy," said St. Peter. "You can only return as a dog or a hen. The choice is yours."

Tom thought about it for a while, and figured that being a dog is too tiring; but a hen probably has a nice and relaxed life. Running around with a rooster can't be that bad.

"I want to return as a hen," Tom replied.

And in the next second, he found himself in a chicken run, really nicely feathered. But, now he felt like his ass was gonna blow.

Then along came the rooster.

"Hey, you must be the new hen St. Peter told me about, how do you like being a hen?"

"Well, OK, I guess, but it feels like my ass is about to explode."

"Oh that!" said the rooster. "That's only the ovulation going on. You need to lay an egg."

"How do I do that?"

"Cluck twice, and then you push all you can."

Tom clucked twice and pushed and pushed: then 'plop,' an egg was on the ground.

"Wow!!" Tom said. "That felt really good!" So he clucked again and squeezed. And plop, out came another egg on the ground.

The third time he clucked, he heard his wife shout: "Tom, for Christ's sake! Wake up! You're shitting all over the bed!"

Friday, December 30, 2005

Christmas Cookie Recipe

This time of year my friends constantly ask me for the recipe for my famous Christmas cookies. So, here we go...

Christmas Cookie Ingredients:
1 cup of water
1 tsp baking soda
1 cup of sugar
1 tsp salt
1 cup of brown sugar
1 tsp lemon juice
4 large eggs
1 cup nuts
2 cups of dried fruit
1 bottle Jose Cuervo Tequila

  • Sample the Cuervo to check quality.
  • Take a large bowl. Check the Cuervo again, to be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one qtr cup and drink.
  • Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar...beat again.
  • At this point it's best to make sure the Cuervo is still OK, try another qtr cup, just in case.
  • Turn off the mixerer thingy.
  • Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit, pick the frigging fruit off floor.
  • Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers just pry it loose with a drewscriver.
  • Sample the Cuervo to check for tonsisticity.
  • Next, sift two cups of salt, or something. Who giveshz a sheet.
  • Check the Jose Cuervo.
  • Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.
  • Add one table. Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink.
  • Whatever you can find.
  • Greash the oven. Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over. Don't forget to beat off the turner.
  • Finally, throw the bowl through the window, finish Cose Juervo and make sure to put the stove in the dishwasher.

Cherry Mistmas

Wednesday, December 28, 2005



According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December. Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring.

Therefore, according to EVERY historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, EVERY single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen, had to be a girl.

We should've known... ONLY women would be able to drag a fat-ass man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost.

Three Ducks Go into a Bar

"Say, what's your name?" the bartender asked the first duck.

"Huey," was the reply.

"How's your day been, Huey?"

"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. What else could a duck want?" said Huey.

"Oh. That's nice," said the bartender. He turned to the second duck, "Hi, and what's your name?"

"Dewey," came the answer from duck number two.

"So how's your day been, Dewey! ?" he asked.

"Great. Lovely day. I've had a ball too. Been in and out of puddles all day myself. What else could a duck want?"

The bartender turned to the third duck and said, "So, you must be Louie?"

"No," she said, batting her eyelashes.

"My name is Puddles."

Silly Putty

That's 250 pounds of silly putty!!

Hey, look!! It's Santa!!

Monday, December 26, 2005

Snowman Sex

A Christmas Accident

Santa and the Cop

Why The Johnson's Dog is on Santa's 'Naughty' List

The Day the Elves won the Lottery

The REAL Santa


Will He Fit?

Christmas Intruder


Santa's Milk

Santa's Flat

The History of Eggnog

Billboards I'd Like to See 45: E.D.

Billboards I'd Like to See 44: Kleenex