Lipstick in School

According to a news report, a certain school in Garden City, MI was recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the washroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day, the girls would put them back.

Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. He called all the girls to the washroom and met them there with the maintenance man. He explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night.

To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, he asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet bowl, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

THE MORAL OF THIS STORY...

There are Teachers, and then there are Educators!

High-Tech Bar

A man walked into a very high-tech bar. As he sat down on a stool he noticed that the bartender was a robot.

The robot clicked to attention and asked, "Sir, what will you have?"

The man thought a moment then replied, "A martini please."

The robot clicked a couple of times and mixed the best martini the man had ever had.

The robot then asked, "Sir, what is your IQ?"

The man answered "Oh, about 164."

The robot then proceeded to discuss the 'theory of relativity', 'interstellar space travel', 'the latest medical break throughs', etc.......

The man was most impressed. He left the bar but thought he would try a different tack.

He returned and took a seat. Again the robot clicked and asked what he would have? "A Martini please."

Again it was superb! The robot again asked "What is your IQ sir?"

This time the man answered, "Oh about 100."

So the robot started discussing NASCAR racing, the latest basketball scores, and what to expect the Dodgers to do this week end.

The guy had to try it one more time. So he left, returned and took a stool.... Again a martini, and the question, "What is your IQ?"

This time the man drawled out "Uh..... bout 50."

The robot clicked then leaned close and very slowly asked,

"A-r-e......... y-o-u-r......... p-e-o-p-l-e..........g-o-i-n-g...........t-o........ n-o-m-i-n-a-t-e.......... H-i-l-l-a-r-y-?????"

New Study

A girl says to her boyfriend, "I read a study that said 90 percent of all men masturbate in the shower and the other 10 percent sing."

"Really?" said the boyfriend.

"Yes," said the girlfriend, "and do you know what song they sing?"

"No," replied the boyfriend.

"I didn't think so," she said.

A Love Story

This 80 year old woman was arrested for shop lifting. When she went before the judge he asked her, "What did you steal?" She replied, "A can of peaches."

The judge then asked her why she had stolen the can of peaches and she replied that she was hungry. The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can. She replied 6.

The judge then said, "I will then give you 6 days in jail."

Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment, the woman's husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something. The judge said, "What is it?"

The husband said, "She also stole a can of peas."

A Child's View of the Sea

A number of primary schools were doing a project on "The Sea." Kids were asked to draw pictures or write about their experiences. Teachers got together to compare the results and put together some of the 'better' ones.

• This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly age 6)
• Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea because I think they have to plug themselves in to chargers. (Christopher age 7)
• Oysters' balls are called pearls. (James age 6)
• If you are surrounded by sea you are an Island. If you don't have Sea all around you, you are incontinent. (Wayne age 7)
• I think sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She's not my friend no more. (Kyle age 6)
• A dolphin breathes through an asshole on the top of its head. (Billy age 8)
• When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes, when the wind didn't blow the sailors would whistle To make the wind come. My brother said they would be better off eating beans. (William age 7)
• I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their shiny tails. How do mermaids get pregnant? (Helen age 6)
• When you go swimming in the sea, it is very cold, and it makes my willy shrink. (Kevin age 6)

A Priest and a Rabbi

A priest and a rabbi operated a church and a synagogue across the street from each other. Since their schedules intertwined, they decided to go in together to buy a car.

After the purchase, they drove it home and parked it on the street between them.

A few minutes later, the rabbi looked out and saw the priest sprinkling water on their new car. It didn't need a wash, so he hurried out and asked the priest what he was doing.

"I'm blessing it," the priest replied.

The rabbi considered this for a moment, then went back inside the synagogue.

He reappeared a moment later with a hacksaw, walked over to the back of the car and cut off two inches of the tailpipe.

Dictionary

Dictionary for Decoding Women's Personal Ads:

40-ish ........................ 49
Adventurous ............... Slept with everyone.
Athletic ...................... No breasts
Average looking .......... Moooo
Beautiful .................... Pathological liar.
Emotionally Secure .... On medication
Feminist .................... Fat
Free spirit .................. Junkie
Friendship first ........... Former slut
New-Age ................... Body hair in the wrong places
Old-Fashioned ........... No BJs
Open-minded ............. Desperate
Outgoing ................... Loud and Embarrassing.
Professional .............. Bitch
Looking for Soul Mate ..Stalker

WOMEN'S ENGLISH:

1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need = I want.
5. I am sorry = You'll be sorry
6. We need to talk = You're in trouble
7. Sure, go ahead = You better not...
8. Do what you want = You'll pay for this later...
9. I am not upset = Of course, I'm upset, you f***ing a**hole!!
10. You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?

MEN'S ENGLISH:

1. I am hungry = I am hungry.
2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy.
3. I am tired = I am tired.
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage.
5. I love you = Let's have sex now.
6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you.
8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you.
9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you.
10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you.
11. I don't think those shoes go with that outfit = I'm gay.

Toothbrushes

The kids filed back into class Monday morning.

They were very excited.

Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship.

Little Sally led off:

"I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success."

"Very good," said the teacher.

Little Jenny was next:

"I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events."

"Very good, Jenny," said the teacher.

Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn.

The teacher held her breath.

Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk.

"$2,467," he said.

"$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?"

"Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny.

"Toothbrushes," echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough toothbrushes to make that much money?"

"I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny,

"I set up a Dip & Chip stand. I gave everybody who walked by a sample."

They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like shit!"

Then I would say, "It is shit. Wanna buy a toothbrush?"

Fur Coat

The New Supermarket

The new Supermarket near our house has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain

When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and there is a scent of fresh hay.

When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.

The veggie department features the smell of fresh buttered corn.

We don't buy toilet paper there any more.