Monday, July 03, 2006

Rules for Visitors

Because of misunderstandings that frequently develop when Easterners and Californians cross states, and we are refering to "Fly over country", such as Illinois, Ohio, Indiana, Wisconsin, Nebraska, Kansas, Iowa, Missouri, Minnesota, North Dakota and South Dakota, those states' Tourist Councils have adopted a set of information guidelines.

In an effort to help outsiders understand the Midwest, the following list will be handed to each driver entering the state:

  1. That farm boy standing by the feed bin did more work before breakfast than you do all week in the gym.
  2. It is called a 'gravel road.' No matter how slow you drive, you will get dust on your Navigator.
  3. I have a four-wheel drive because I need it, not just to keep up with the neighbors. We could really care less what you drive!
  4. We all started hunting and fishing when we were seven years old. Yeah, we saw Bambi's dad, killed him, and mounted his likeness on our wall. We got over it.
  5. Any references to "corn fed" when talking about our women will get your butt whupped --by our women.
  6. Go ahead. Bring your $600 Orvis Fly Rod. Do not cry to us if a flathead catfish breaks it off at the handle.
  7. We have a name for those little trout for which you fish. It is called bait.
  8. Pull your pants up. You look like an idiot.
  9. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of mallards are making their final approach, we will shoot it.
  10. That is right. Whiskey is only two bucks. We can buy a fifth for what you pay for one drink at the airport.
  11. No, there's no "Vegetarian Special" on the menu. Order steak and order it rare. Or, you can order the chef salad and pick off the two pounds of ham and turkey.
  12. You bring coke into my house, it better be brown, wet, and served over ice.
  13. So you have a $60,000 car parked in your driveway. We are real impressed. We have a $250,000 combine that we use two weeks a year. So take that!
  14. Let's get this straight. We have one stoplight in town. We stop when it is red. We may even stop when it is yellow.
  15. Our women hunt, fish, and drive pickups, trucks, and tractors because they want to. So, you are a feminist -- isn't that cute?
  16. We eat catfish. Carp and turtle too. You really want sushi and caviar? It is available at the bait shop.
  17. They are pigs. That is what they smell like. Get over it. Don't like it? Interstates 70, 80, and 90 go east and west. Interstates 29, 35 & 55 go north and south. Pick one and use it accordingly.
  18. Speaking of which -- we call them "Interstates" and not "Freeways" because they are just that -- free. We do not charge our citizens again to drive on a highway for which they have already paid.
  19. The "Opener" refers to the first day of deer season. It is a religious holiday. You can get breakfast at the church.
  20. Speaking of which -- yes, Christmas is a religious holiday. Get over it. We say "Merry Christmas" when we greet you, not "Happy Holidays" or "Seasons Greetings." Don't like it? Then feel free to work on December 25.
  21. So every person in every pick-up truck waves at each other. It is called being friendly. Understand the concept?
  22. Yeah, we have golf courses. Do not hit your ball into the water hazard. It spooks the fish.
  23. That Highway Patrol Officer who just pulled you over for driving like an idiot. His name is "Sir."

Now please, enjoy your visit. Just do not overdo your stay, we have corn to plant.

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