Friday, February 08, 2008
Math Homework
A little boy was doing his maths homework.
He said to himself, "Two plus five, the son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, the son of a bitch is nine..."
His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?"
The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mom."
"And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked.
"Yes," he answered.
Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you teaching my son in math?"
The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition."
The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, the son of a bitch is four?"
After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."
He said to himself, "Two plus five, the son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, the son of a bitch is nine..."
His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?"
The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mom."
"And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked.
"Yes," he answered.
Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you teaching my son in math?"
The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition."
The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, the son of a bitch is four?"
After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."
Driving with Dad
A father, who worked away from home all week, always made a special effort with his family on the weekends. Every Sunday morning he would take his 7-year old daughter out for a drive in the car for some bonding time.
One particular Sunday however, he had a bad cold and he really didn't feel like being up at all. Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their daughter out.
When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her father.
"Well," the father asked, "Did you enjoy your ride with mommy?"
"Oh yes, Daddy" the girl replied, "and do you know what? We didn't see a single dumb bastard or lousy shit head!"
One particular Sunday however, he had a bad cold and he really didn't feel like being up at all. Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their daughter out.
When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her father.
"Well," the father asked, "Did you enjoy your ride with mommy?"
"Oh yes, Daddy" the girl replied, "and do you know what? We didn't see a single dumb bastard or lousy shit head!"
Monday, February 04, 2008
Rooster Chase
John the farmer was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), called "pullets", and ten roosters, whose job it was to fertilize the eggs.
The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of his time, so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so John could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.
The farmer's favorite rooster was old Butch, a very fine specimen he was, too. But on this particular morning John noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! John went to investigate.
The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.
But to Farmer John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Renfrew County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.
The result...The judges not only awarded old Butch the No Bell Piece Prize but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well.
Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making: who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.
Vote carefully...the bells are not always audible!
The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of his time, so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so John could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.
The farmer's favorite rooster was old Butch, a very fine specimen he was, too. But on this particular morning John noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! John went to investigate.
The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.
But to Farmer John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Renfrew County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.
The result...The judges not only awarded old Butch the No Bell Piece Prize but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well.
Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making: who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.
Vote carefully...the bells are not always audible!
Wednesday, January 30, 2008
Blonde Cookbook
MONDAY
It's fun to cook for Bill. Today I made angel food cake. The recipe said beat 12 eggs separately. The neighbors were nice enough to loan me some extra bowls.
TUESDAY
Bill wanted fruit salad for supper. The recipe said serve without dressing. So I didn't dress. What a surprise when Bill brought a friend home for supper.
WEDNESDAY
A good day for rice. The recipe said wash thoroughly before steaming the rice. It seemed kind of silly but I took a bath anyway. I can't say it improved the rice any.
THURSDAY
Today Bill asked for salad again I tried a new recipe. It said prepare ingredients; lay on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving. Bill asked me why I was rolling around in the garden.
FRIDAY
I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said put the ingredients in a bowl and beat it. There must have been something wrong with this recipe. When I got back, everything was the same as when I left.
SATURDAY
Bill did the shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday. I don't have any clothes that fit it, and for some reason Bill keeps counting to ten.
SUNDAY
Bill's folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast but all I had was hamburger. Suddenly I had a flash of genius. I put the hamburger in the oven and set the controls for roast. It still came out hamburger, much to my disappointment.
GOOD NIGHT DIARY.
This has been a very exciting week! I am eager for tomorrow to come so I can try out a new recipe on Bill. If I can talk Bill into buying a bigger oven, I would like to surprise him with a chocolate moose.
It's fun to cook for Bill. Today I made angel food cake. The recipe said beat 12 eggs separately. The neighbors were nice enough to loan me some extra bowls.
TUESDAY
Bill wanted fruit salad for supper. The recipe said serve without dressing. So I didn't dress. What a surprise when Bill brought a friend home for supper.
WEDNESDAY
A good day for rice. The recipe said wash thoroughly before steaming the rice. It seemed kind of silly but I took a bath anyway. I can't say it improved the rice any.
THURSDAY
Today Bill asked for salad again I tried a new recipe. It said prepare ingredients; lay on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving. Bill asked me why I was rolling around in the garden.
FRIDAY
I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said put the ingredients in a bowl and beat it. There must have been something wrong with this recipe. When I got back, everything was the same as when I left.
SATURDAY
Bill did the shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday. I don't have any clothes that fit it, and for some reason Bill keeps counting to ten.
SUNDAY
Bill's folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast but all I had was hamburger. Suddenly I had a flash of genius. I put the hamburger in the oven and set the controls for roast. It still came out hamburger, much to my disappointment.
GOOD NIGHT DIARY.
This has been a very exciting week! I am eager for tomorrow to come so I can try out a new recipe on Bill. If I can talk Bill into buying a bigger oven, I would like to surprise him with a chocolate moose.
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
Two Gators
Two alligators were relaxing in the swamp talking.
The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, "I can't understand how you kin be so much bigger'n me. We're the same age, and we was the same size as kids. I just don't get it."
"Well," said the big 'gator, "What you been eatin', boy?"
"Politicians, same as you," replied the small 'gator.
"Hmm. Well, where do y'all catch 'em?"
"Down ' other side of the swamp near the parkin' lot by the capitol."
"Same here. Hmm. How do you catch 'em?"
"Well, I crawls up into one of them Lexus and wait fer one to open the car door. Then I jump out, grab 'em on the leg, shake the shit out of 'em, and eat 'em!"
"Ah!" says the big alligator, "I think I see your problem. You ain't gettin' any real nourishment."
"See, by the time you get done shakin' the shit out of a Politician, there ain't nothin' left but an asshole and a briefcase!"
The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, "I can't understand how you kin be so much bigger'n me. We're the same age, and we was the same size as kids. I just don't get it."
"Well," said the big 'gator, "What you been eatin', boy?"
"Politicians, same as you," replied the small 'gator.
"Hmm. Well, where do y'all catch 'em?"
"Down ' other side of the swamp near the parkin' lot by the capitol."
"Same here. Hmm. How do you catch 'em?"
"Well, I crawls up into one of them Lexus and wait fer one to open the car door. Then I jump out, grab 'em on the leg, shake the shit out of 'em, and eat 'em!"
"Ah!" says the big alligator, "I think I see your problem. You ain't gettin' any real nourishment."
"See, by the time you get done shakin' the shit out of a Politician, there ain't nothin' left but an asshole and a briefcase!"
Sunday, January 27, 2008
A few facts...
- There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and Shithead's.
- The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content.
- I live in my own little world but it's OK, everyone knows me here.
- I saw a rather large woman wearing a sweatshirt - sorry. i chose to delete this one.
- I don't do drugs 'cause I find I get the same effect just by standing up really fast.
- A sign In a Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea."
- Money can't buy happiness but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
- I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.
- If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the "terminal"?
- I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get elected.
- The most precious thing we have is life, yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.
- If life deals you lemons, make lemonade. If life deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Marys.
- I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
- Shopping tip: You can get shoes for a buck at bowling alleys.
- I am a nobody; nobody is perfect, and therefore I am perfect.
- Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.
- That Claudia Schiffer must be a genius because I told a friend my plan to attain world peace, and he told me I have "Schiffer Brains."
- No one ever says, "It's only a game!" when their team is winning.
- Marriage changes passion... suddenly you're in bed with a relative.
- Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?
- Snowmen fall from heaven unassembled.
- Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been.
Wal-Mart Murders
Tired of constantly being broke & stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary, & then arranging to have her killed.
A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch with a nefarious dark-side underworld figure who went by the name of 'Artie.' Artie then explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was $5,000.
The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money.
Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man opened his wallet, displaying the single dollar bill that rested inside.
Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, & reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down payment for the dirty deed.
A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Super Wal-Mart store. There, he surprised her in the produce department & proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands & as the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath & slumped to the floor.
The manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder scene. Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, ol'Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.
However, unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the hidden security cameras & observed by the store's security guard, who immediately called the police.
Artie was caught & arrested before he could even leave the store. Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with the hapless husband who was also quickly arrested.
The next day in the newspaper, the headline declared:
Murders! Two For a Dollar at Wal-Mart!
A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch with a nefarious dark-side underworld figure who went by the name of 'Artie.' Artie then explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was $5,000.
The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money.
Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man opened his wallet, displaying the single dollar bill that rested inside.
Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, & reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down payment for the dirty deed.
A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Super Wal-Mart store. There, he surprised her in the produce department & proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands & as the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath & slumped to the floor.
The manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder scene. Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, ol'Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.
However, unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the hidden security cameras & observed by the store's security guard, who immediately called the police.
Artie was caught & arrested before he could even leave the store. Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with the hapless husband who was also quickly arrested.
The next day in the newspaper, the headline declared:
Murders! Two For a Dollar at Wal-Mart!
Friday, January 25, 2008
Political Spin
Judy Wallman, a professional genealogical researcher, discovered that Hillary Clinton's great-great uncle, Remus Rodham, was hanged for horse stealing and train robbery in Montana in 1889.
The only known photograph of Remus shows him standing on the gallows.
On the back of the picture is this inscription:
Judy e-mailed Hillary Clinton for comments. Hillary's staff of professional image adjusters sent back the following biographical sketch:
And THAT is how it's done folks!-----------GET READY!!!!
The only known photograph of Remus shows him standing on the gallows.
On the back of the picture is this inscription:
"Remus Rodham; horse thief, sent to Montana Territorial Prison 1885, escaped 1887, robbedcthe Montana Flyer six times. Caught by Pinkerton detectives, convicted and hanged in 1889."
Judy e-mailed Hillary Clinton for comments. Hillary's staff of professional image adjusters sent back the following biographical sketch:
"Remus Rodham was a famous cowboy in the Montana Territory. His business empire grew to include acquisition of valuable equestrian assets and intimate dealings with the Montana railroad. Beginning in 1883, he devoted several years of his life to service at a government facility, finally taking leave to resume his dealings with the railroad. In 1887, he was a key player in a vital investigation run by the renowned Pinkerton Detective Agency. In 1889, Remus passed away during an important civic function held in his honor when the platform upon which he was standing collapsed."
And THAT is how it's done folks!-----------GET READY!!!!
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