Sunday, January 27, 2008

A few facts...

  1. There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and Shithead's.
  2. The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content.
  3. I live in my own little world but it's OK, everyone knows me here.
  4. I saw a rather large woman wearing a sweatshirt - sorry. i chose to delete this one.
  5. I don't do drugs 'cause I find I get the same effect just by standing up really fast.
  6. A sign In a Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea."
  7. Money can't buy happiness but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
  8. I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.
  9. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the "terminal"?
  10. I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get elected.
  11. The most precious thing we have is life, yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.
  12. If life deals you lemons, make lemonade. If life deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Marys.
  13. I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
  14. Shopping tip: You can get shoes for a buck at bowling alleys.
  15. I am a nobody; nobody is perfect, and therefore I am perfect.
  16. Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.
  17. That Claudia Schiffer must be a genius because I told a friend my plan to attain world peace, and he told me I have "Schiffer Brains."
  18. No one ever says, "It's only a game!" when their team is winning.
  19. Marriage changes passion... suddenly you're in bed with a relative.
  20. Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?
  21. Snowmen fall from heaven unassembled.
  22. Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been.

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