Men Strike Back

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.

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Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.

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Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

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How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me..."

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How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.

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Why do men fart more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.

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If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

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What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told.

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I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.

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Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.

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Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.

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Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

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In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

(In my defense, I don't actually agree with this stuff, I just find it funny that a male mind could come up with these....)

Household Remedies

1. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.
2. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.
3. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.
4. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink.
5. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.
6. Have a bad headache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will forget about the headache.

Life Rules

You only need two tools:
WD-40 and Duct Tape.
--If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40.
--If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

Never pass up an opportunity to go to the bathroom.

If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You get another chance.

Barber

One day a florist goes to a barber for a haircut. After the cut he asked about his bill and the barber replies: "I'm sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I'm doing community service this week." The florist is pleased and leaves the shop.

Next morning when the barber goes to open his shop. There is a thank you card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay his bill the barber again replies: "I'm sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I'm doing community service this week." The cop is happy and leaves the shop.

Next morning when the barber goes to open up there is a thank you card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

Later a Republican comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay his bill the barber again replies: "I'm sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I'm doing community service this week." The Republican is very happy and leaves the shop.

Next morning when the barber goes to open, there is a thank you card and a dozen different books such as "How to Improve Your Business" and "Becoming More Successful."

Then a Democrat comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay his bill the barber again replies: "I'm sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I'm doing community service this week." The Democrat is very happy and leaves the shop.

The next morning when the barber goes to open up, there are a dozen Democrats lined up waiting for a free haircut.

And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between left and right.

Chupacabra!

2006 Prom Dress

I didn't think they came in that many colors!!

You Know You're Addicted to Coffee if...

• You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.
• You sleep with your eyes open.
• The only time you're standing still is during an earthquake.
• You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away, without using the timer!
• You've worn out your third pair of tennis shoes this week.
• You have to watch videos & DVDs in fast-forward mode.
• Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
• You chew on other people's fingernails.
• The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.
• You're so jittery that people use your hands to blend their margaritas.
• You can type sixty words per minute... with your feet!
• You can jump-start your car without jumper cables.
• You don't sweat, you percolate!
• You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.
• You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in!
• You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.
• People get dizzy just watching you.
• Instant coffee takes too long.
• You channel surf faster without a remote.
• You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.
• You can outlast the Energizer bunny.
• You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore.
• Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter Scale.
• You help your dog chase its tail.
• Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup.
• You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.
• You ski uphill.
• You answer the door before people knock.
• AND the SUREST surest sign that you are addicted to coffee...
  You get a speeding tickets even when you're parked!

The Usher

An elderly woman walked into the local country church. The friendly usher greeted her at the door and helped her up the flight of steps. "Where would you like to sit?" he asked politely.

"The front row please," she answered.

"You really don't want to do that," the usher said. "The pastor is really boring."

"Do you happen to know who I am?" the woman inquired.

"No." he said.

"I'm the pastor's mother," she replied indignantly

"Do you know who I am?" he asked.

"No." she said.

"Good," he answered.

The Picnic

A Jewish Rabbi and a Catholic Priest met at the town's annual 4th of July picnic. Old friends, they began their usual banter.

"This baked ham is really delicious," the priest teased the rabbi. "You really ought to try it. I know it's against your religion, but I can't understand why such a wonderful food should be forbidden! You don't know what you're missing. You just haven't lived until you'v e tried Mrs. Hall's prized Virginia Baked Ham. Tell me, Rabbi, when are you going to break down and try it?"

The rabbi looked at the priest with a big grin, and said, "At your wedding."

Brokeback Football

This was actually on TV...The commentators paused and didn't say a WORD...
Arkansas Razorback players Clarke Moore, Brett Goode and Casey Dick need to stop hanging out on the sidelines!