Rules for Visitors

Because of misunderstandings that frequently develop when Easterners and Californians cross states, and we are refering to "Fly over country", such as Illinois, Ohio, Indiana, Wisconsin, Nebraska, Kansas, Iowa, Missouri, Minnesota, North Dakota and South Dakota, those states' Tourist Councils have adopted a set of information guidelines.

In an effort to help outsiders understand the Midwest, the following list will be handed to each driver entering the state:

1. That farm boy standing by the feed bin did more work before breakfast than you do all week in the gym.
2. It is called a 'gravel road.' No matter how slow you drive, you will get dust on your Navigator.
3. I have a four-wheel drive because I need it, not just to keep up with the neighbors. We could really care less what you drive!
4. We all started hunting and fishing when we were seven years old. Yeah, we saw Bambi's dad, killed him, and mounted his likeness on our wall. We got over it.
5. Any references to "corn fed" when talking about our women will get your butt whupped --by our women.
6. Go ahead. Bring your $600 Orvis Fly Rod. Do not cry to us if a flathead catfish breaks it off at the handle.
7. We have a name for those little trout for which you fish. It is called bait.
8. Pull your pants up. You look like an idiot.
9. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of mallards are making their final approach, we will shoot it.
10. That is right. Whiskey is only two bucks. We can buy a fifth for what you pay for one drink at the airport.
11. No, there's no "Vegetarian Special" on the menu. Order steak and order it rare. Or, you can order the chef salad and pick off the two pounds of ham and turkey.
12. You bring coke into my house, it better be brown, wet, and served over ice.
13. So you have a $60,000 car parked in your driveway. We are real impressed. We have a $250,000 combine that we use two weeks a year. So take that!
14. Let's get this straight. We have one stoplight in town. We stop when it is red. We may even stop when it is yellow.
15. Our women hunt, fish, and drive pickups, trucks, and tractors because they want to. So, you are a feminist -- isn't that cute?
16. We eat catfish. Carp and turtle too. You really want sushi and caviar? It is available at the bait shop.
17. They are pigs. That is what they smell like. Get over it. Don't like it? Interstates 70, 80, and 90 go east and west. Interstates 29, 35 & 55 go north and south. Pick one and use it accordingly.
18. Speaking of which -- we call them "Interstates" and not "Freeways" because they are just that -- free. We do not charge our citizens again to drive on a highway for which they have already paid.
19. The "Opener" refers to the first day of deer season. It is a religious holiday. You can get breakfast at the church.
20. Speaking of which -- yes, Christmas is a religious holiday. Get over it. We say "Merry Christmas" when we greet you, not "Happy Holidays" or "Seasons Greetings." Don't like it? Then feel free to work on December 25.
21. So every person in every pick-up truck waves at each other. It is called being friendly. Understand the concept?
22. Yeah, we have golf courses. Do not hit your ball into the water hazard. It spooks the fish.
23. That Highway Patrol Officer who just pulled you over for driving like an idiot. His name is "Sir."

Now please, enjoy your visit. Just do not overdo your stay, we have corn to plant.

Potty Words

My mother was a fanatic about public restrooms. When I was a little girl, she'd take me into the stall, show me how to wad up toilet paper and wipe the seat. Then she'd carefully lay strips of toilet paper to cover the seat. Finally, she'd instruct, "Never, NEVER sit on a public toilet seat. Then she'd demonstrate "The Stance," which consisted of balancing over the toilet in a sitting position without actually letting any of your flesh make contact with the toilet seat.

That was a long time ago. Now, in my "mature" years, "The Stance" is excruciatingly difficult to maintain.

When you have to visit a public bathroom, you usually find a line of women, so you smile politely and take your place. Once it's your turn, you check for feet under the stall doors. Every stall is occupied. Finally, a door opens and you dash in, nearly knocking down the woman leaving the stall. You get in to find the door won't latch. It doesn't matter.

The dispenser for the modern "seat covers" (invented by someone's Mom, no doubt) is handy, but empty. You would hang your purse on the door hook, if there were one, but there isn't - so you carefully but quickly drape it around your neck, (Mom would turn over in her grave if you put it on the FLOOR!), yank down your pants, and assume "The Stance." In this position your aging, toneless thigh muscles begin to shake. You'd love to sit down, but you certainly hadn't taken time to wipe the seat or lay toilet paper on it, so you hold "The Stance."

To take your mind off your trembling thighs, you reach for what you discover to be the empty toilet paper dispenser. In your mind, you can hear your mother's voice saying, "Honey, if you had tried to clean the seat, you would have KNOWN there was no toilet paper!" Your thighs shake more.

You remember the tiny tissue that you blew your nose on yesterday - the one that's still in your purse. That would have to do. You crumple it in the puffiest way possible. It is still smaller than your thumbnail.

Someone pushes open your stall door because the latch doesn't work. The door hits your purse, which is hanging around your neck in front of your chest, and you and your purse topple backward against the tank of the toilet. "Occupied!" you scream, as you reach for the door, dropping your precious, tiny, crumpled tissue in a puddle on the floor, lose your footing altogether, and slide down directly onto the TOILET SEAT. It is wet of course.

You bolt up, knowing all too well that it's too late. Your bare bottom has made contact with every imaginable germ and life form on the uncovered seat because YOU never laid down toilet paper - not that there was any, even if you had taken time to try.

You know that your mother would be utterly appalled if she knew, because, you're certain, her bare bottom never touched a public toilet seat because, frankly, dear, "You just don't KNOW what kind of diseases you could get."

By this time, the automatic sensor on the back of the toilet is so confused that it flushes, propelling a stream of water like a firehose that somehow sucks everything down with such force that you grab onto the toilet paper dispenser for fear of being dragged in too.

At that point, you give up.

You're soaked by the spewing water and the wet toilet seat. You're exhausted. You try to wipe with a gum wrapper you found in your pocket and then slink out inconspicuously to the sinks. You can't figure out how to operate the faucets with the automatic sensors, so you wipe your hands with spit and a dry paper towel and walk past the line of women, still waiting. You are no longer able to smile politely them.

A kind soul at the very end of the line points out a piece of toilet paper trailing from your shoe. ( Where was that when you NEEDED it??) You yank the paper from your shoe, plunk it the woman's hand and tell her warmly, "Here, you just might need this."

As you exit, you spot your hubby, who has long since entered, used and left the men's restroom. Annoyed, he asks, "What took you so long, and why is your purse hanging around your neck?"

This is dedicated to women everywhere who deal with a public restroom (rest??? you've got to be kidding!!). It finally explains to the men what really does take us so long. It also answers their other commonly asked question about why women go to the restroom in pairs. It's so the other gal can hold the door, hang onto your purse and hand you Kleenex under the door.

Phone call from the Wife

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker- function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

Man: "Hello"

Woman: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

Man: "Yes."

Woman: "I'm at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"

Man: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."

Woman: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2007 models. I saw one I really liked."

Man: "How much?"

Woman: "$65,000."

Man: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

Woman: "Great! Oh, and one more thing. The house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000."

Man: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer $900,000."

Woman: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"

Man: "Bye, I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment. Then he smiles and asks:

"Anyone know whose phone this is?"

Niagara Falls-1911

Life...

Life should not be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive & well perserved body, but rather to skid in sideways: chocolate in one hand, martini in other, body throughly used up and totally worn out screaming "WHOOOHOOOO WHAT A RIDE!"

Never Accept Candy from a Stranger...

What is Love?

So sue me, I was feeling sappy...

A group of professional people posed this question to a group of 4 to 8 year-olds, "What does love mean?"

The answers they got were broader and deeper than anyone could have imagined. See what you think:
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"When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn't bend over and paint her toenails anymore.

So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That's love."

Rebecca- age 8
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"When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You just know that your name is safe in their mouth."

Billy - age 4
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"Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other."

Karl - age 5
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"Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries without making them give you any of theirs."

Chrissy - age 6
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"Love is what makes you smile when you're tired."

Terri - age 4
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"Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK."

Danny - age 7
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"Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of kissing, you still want to be together and you talk more. My Mommy and Daddy are like that. They look gross when they kiss."

Emily - age 8
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"Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen."

Bobby - age 7 (Wow!)
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"If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend who you hate."

Nikka - age 6
(we need a few million more Nikka's on this planet)
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"Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it everyday."

Noelle - age 7
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"Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well."

Tommy - age 6
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"During my piano recital, I was on a stage and I was scared. I looked at all the people watching me and saw my daddy waving and smiling. He was the only one doing that. I wasn't scared anymore."

Cindy - age 8
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"My mommy loves me more than anybody. You don't see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night."

Clare - age 6
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"Love is when Mommy gives Daddy the best piece of chicken."

Elaine-age 5
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"Love is when Mommy sees Daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Robert Redford."

Chris - age 7
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"Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day."

Mary Ann - age 4
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"I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones."

Lauren - age 4
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"When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you." (what an image)

Karen - age 7
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"Love is when Mommy sees Daddy on the toilet and she doesn't think it's gross."

Mark - age 6
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"You really shouldn't say 'I love you' unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget."

Jessica - age 8
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And the final one -- Author and lecturer Leo Buscaglia once talked about a contest he was asked to judge.

The purpose of the contest was to find the most caring child.

The winner was a four year old child whose next door neighbor was an elderly gentleman who had recently lost his wife.

Upon seeing the man cry, the little boy went into the old gentleman's yard, climbed onto his lap, and just sat there.

When his Mother asked what he had said to the neighbor, the little boy said,

"Nothing, I just helped him cry."

Why Dogs Attack

Another way to Amuse Yourself

Instructions for a fun time on the interstate.....................
Step 1. Tie balloons to car.
Step 2. Drive like a bat out of hell....
Step 3. Watch people freak out !!!!

Can you imagine some guy going 90 mph with these balloons trailing a few yards behind him?

Airline Pilot Simulator

Here is a home study simulator course for those who, deprived of "over 60" flying, still hunger for the romance and adventure of airline flying. That "Romance and Adventure" will all come back to you if you follow the steps of this "practice trip" at home:

1. Stay out of bed all night.
2. Sit in your most uncomfortable chair, in a closet, for nine or ten hours facing a four foot wide panoramic photo of a flight deck.
3. Have two or three noisy vacuum cleaners on high, out of sight but within hearing distance and operating throughout the night. If a vacuum cleaner fails, do the appropriate restart checklist.
4. Halfway through your nocturnal simulator course, arrange for a bright spotlight to shine directly into your face for two or three hours, simulating flying an eastbound flight into the sunrise.
5. Have bland overcooked food served on a tray midway through the night.
6. Have cold cups of coffee delivered from time to time. Ask your spouse to slam the door frequently.
7. At the time when you must heed nature's call, force yourself to stand outside the bathroom door for at least ten minutes, transferring your weight from leg to leg, easing the discomfort. Don't forget to wear your hat.
8. Leave the closet after the prescribed nine or ten hours, turn on your sprinklers and stand out in the cold and "rain" for twenty minutes, simulating the wait for the crew car.
9. Head for your bedroom, wet and with your suitcase and flight bag. Stand outside the door till your wife gets up and leaves, simulating the wait while the maid makes up the hotel room.
10. When your spouse inquires, "Just what in the hell have you been doing?" just say, "Recalling the allure of all night flying to romantic places." as you collapse into bed.
11. If you are a purist, make this a two-day trip instead of a turn-around, and do this two nights in a row.
12. Ask your mailman to tear your pension check into thirds and leave one of the pieces in your mailbox.

Hope you enjoy your sim session.