Hormone Hostage

The Hormone Hostage knows that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his very life into his own hands! This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, or significant other!!

DANGEROUS: What's for dinner? SAFER: Can I help you with dinner? SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner? ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate.

DANGEROUS: Are you wearing that? SAFER: Gee, you look good in brown. SAFEST: WOW! Look at you! ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate.

DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about? SAFER: What did I do wrong? SAFEST: Here's fifty dollars. ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate.

DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that? SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left. SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that? ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate.

DANGEROUS: What did you do all day? SAFER: I hope you didn't overdo it today. SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe! ULTRASAFE: Here, have some more chocolate.

13 Things PMS Stands For:

1. Pass My Shotgun
2. Psychotic Mood Shift
3. Perpetual Munching Spree
4. Puffy Mid-Section
5. People Make me Sick
6. Provide Me with Sweets
7. Pardon My Sobbing
8. Pimples May Surface
9. Pass My Sweatpants
10. Pissy Mood Syndrome
11. Plainly; Men Suck
12. Pack My Stuff
13. Potential Murder Suspect

Another thing to giggle about... My husband, not happy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be able to monitor my moods. When I'm in a good mood, it turns green. When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big red mark on his forehead. Maybe next time he'll buy me diamonds.

Here have some chocolate.

Check Your Zipper

Top Ten most Polite Ways to Say Your Zipper Is Down....by David Letterman

• 10. The cucumber has left the salad.
• 9. Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bells.
• 8. You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position.
• 7. Paging Mr. Johnson... Paging Mr. Johnson...
• 6. Elvis is leaving the building.
• 5. The Buick is not all the way in the garage.
• 4. Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction.
• 3. You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones.
• 2. Men may be From Mars.....but I can see something that rhymes with Venus.

And the #1 way to tell someone his zipper is unzipped.....


• I always knew you were crazy, but now I can see your nuts.

Get Back to Work!

The San Francisco Zoo has an elephant named Calle who has a chronic illness, requiring medication. The zoo people couldn't get Calle to take her dose orally, so a pharmacologist developed an anal suppository.

The 10-inch-long, four-pound, cocoa-butter bullets are crafted by the good folks at Guittard Chocolates in Burlingame.

Administering the DAILY medication takes five zoo workers, including one person to distract Calle with treats and one person who wears a full-arm glove.

FIVE people have jobs worse than yours.

Now stop complaining and get back to work!

Gramdma's in Trouble

Little Tony was staying with his grandmother for a few days. He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked her, "Grandma, what is that called when two people are sleeping in the same room and one is on top of the other?"

She was a little taken aback, but decided to tell him the truth. "It's called sexual intercourse, darling."

Little Tony just said, "Oh, OK" and went back outside to talk and play with the other kids.

A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, "Grandma, it is not called sexual intercourse! It's called bunk beds! -- and Jimmy's Mom wants to talk to you!!"

You Know You're a Redneck When...

1. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.
2. You can entertain yourself for more than 15 minutes with a fly swatter.
3. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
4. You burn your yard rather than mow it.
5. You think "The Nutcracker" is something you do off the high dive.
6. The Salvation Army declines your furniture.
7. You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it.
8. You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.
9. You come back from the dump with more than you took.
10. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.
11. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
12. Your grandmother has "ammo" on her Christmas list.
13. You keep flea and tick soap in the shower.
14. You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.
15. You go to the stock car races and don't need a program.
16. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.
17. You have a rag for a gas cap.
18. Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.
19. You wonder how service stations keep their restroom's so clean.
20. You can spit without opening your mouth.
21. You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it.
22. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
23. You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say "Cool Whip" on the side.
24. The biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart.
25. Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.
26. You've used your ironing board as a buffet table.
27. A tornado hits your neighborhood and does $100,000 worth of improvements.
28. You've used a toilet brush to scratch your back.
29. You missed your 5th grade graduation because you were on jury duty.
30. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65.

Religions

A teacher asked her students what religious objects they had in their homes.

One boy answered "We have a picture of a woman with a halo holding a baby and every day my mother kneels in front of it."

The next little boy said, "We have a brass statue of a man seated with crossed legs and a Chinese face, and every day my parents burn an incense stick before it."

Then a third boy piped up, "In the bathroom we have a little platform with numbers on it. Every day my mother stands on it first thing in the morning and screams "OH MY GOD."

Appreciate Your Mother

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
   "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."
2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
   "You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
   "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"
4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
   "Because I said so, that's why."
5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
   "If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."
6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
   "Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."
7. My mother taught me IRONY
   "Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."
8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
   "Shut your mouth and eat your supper."
9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
   "Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"
10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
    "You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."
11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
    "This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."
12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
    "If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"
13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
    "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."
14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
    "Stop acting like your father!"
15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
    "There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."
16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
    "Just wait until we get home."
17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
    "You are going to get it when you get home!"
18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
    "If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."
19. My mother taught me ESP.
    "Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"
20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
    "When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."
21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
    "If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."
22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
    "You're just like your father."
23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
    "Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"
24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
    "When you get to be my age, you'll understand."
25. And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
    "One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"

A Ride with the Blue Angels

This is a link to a set of short videos of a reporter going on a ride with the Blue Angels. It's rather amusing, but very impressive a the same time...

http://www.ajc.com/metro/content/metro/extra/blueangels/

Honda

And you thought those people that set up roomfuls of dominos to knock over were amazing. There are no computer graphics or digital tricks in the film. Everything you see really happened in real time exactly as you see it.

The film took 606 takes. On the first 605 takes, something, usually very minor, didn't work. They would then have to set the whole thing up again. The crew spent weeks shooting night and day. By the time it was over, they were ready to change professions.

The film cost six million dollars and took three months to complete including full engineering of the sequence. In addition, it's two minutes long so every time Honda airs the film on British television, they're shelling out enough dough to keep any one of us in clover for a lifetime.

However, it is fast becoming the most downloaded advertisement in Internet history. Honda executives figure the ad will soon pay for its elf simply in "free viewings" (Honda isn't paying a dime to have you watch this commercial!).

When the ad was pitched to senior executives, they signed off on it immediately without any hesitation - including the costs.

There are six and only six hand-made Honda Accords in the world. To the horror of Honda engineers, the filmmakers disassembled two of them to make the film.

Everything you see in the film (aside from the walls, floor, ramp, and complete Honda Accord) is parts from those two cars.

The voiceover is Garrison Keillor. When the ad was shown to Honda executives, they liked it and commented on how amazing computer graphics have gotten.

They fell off their chairs when they found out it was for real. Oh, and about those funky windshield wipers. On the new Accords, the windshield wipers have water sensors and are designed to start doing their thing automatically as soon as they become wet.

Click on the link below or copy & paste.

http://www.albinoblacksheep.com/flash/honda.php

Aaron Karo, Ruminations #65

This is a newsletter thingie I actually subscribe to. Aaron Karo, is completely hysterical, and so completely right. I do suggest that you subscribe yourself to Ruminations, via his website. www.AaronKaro.com

-Nine months ago, I moved to Los Angeles for the opportunity to further my writing and stand-up career and possibly touch a fake breast. Hollywood is usually not kind to newcomers, but I've had a blast so far. I think it's partly because I'm a naive New Yorker and partly because, well, people in this business just crack my shit up. Though I did finally get to touch a fake breast, I still consider myself an outsider in this town (and probably always will). You knew it was only a matter of time before I wrote this column. Ladies and gentleman, I present my "Ruminations on Hollywood Life."

-Unlike when I worked on Wall Street, I love having meetings in Hollywood. Probably because they include free lunch, I don't have to shave, and we get to talk about me.

-In LA, if you have a lunch meeting, it's automatically from one to two pm. Isn't that weird? Everyone in the whole place has lunch at the exact same time! It's just like elementary school, except without the immaturity, petty fighting, and unwillingness to share. OK, actually it's exactly like elementary school.

-I'm honestly still not sure what producers do. As near as I can tell, as long as you have a big wooden bookshelf in your office filled with dozens of unread scripts that have the title written in black Sharpie along the spine, you're a producer.

-During my first big meeting in Hollywood, I was told repeatedly that an idea I'd just pitched was "right in my wheelhouse." I nodded and said, "Totally. It totally is." When the meeting ended I immediately ran out and called my agent to ask what the fuck a "wheelhouse" is. Turns out it means "one's area of expertise." As in "Chicks in wife-beaters who've had too much to drink are right in Karo's wheelhouse."

-I enjoy saying, "Have your people call my people" and being completely serious about it. These days, I have people coming out the ying-yang. At last count, my people consisted of nine agents, an attorney, a publicist, and an accountant. My accountant especially gets a kick about being included in that list. But I tell him, "Andy, we're cousins. You're automatically my people."

-The concept of an "assistant" was so foreign to me when I moved here, but I've come to recognize it as the dominant sub-culture in Los Angeles. Every producer, executive, and agent has an assistant - usually an overqualified and underappreciated twentysomething - to answer their phones and do their bidding. Assistants work late nights together, go out boozing together, and of course, fuck each other. For you Hollywood newcomers, I offer this advice: always pay utmost respect to every assistant you deal with, but keep in mind that assistants' bosses often let them listen in on their conference calls. My first six months in LA I didn't realize this fact and mistakenly began most of my conference calls with something like, "Hey, is your assistant hot? She sounds hot. And dirty."

-In the end, I believe I am poised to succeed in Hollywood for two reasons. One, execs like that I'm a "multi-hyphenate," an overly fancy term for writer-comedian. Personally, I prefer to be called a "slashie," but not everyone gets the Zoolander reference. And two, I'm also what they call "good in a room," meaning when I'm in a meeting, everyone seems to laugh and have a good time. And that's why I'll always prefer Hollywood, where cutting people up is rewarded, over Wall Street, where it's punished. For lack of a better word, I've found my wheelhouse.

-If you're in the LA area, you can see me live and in action at my regular show "Happy Hour with Aaron Karo" at the Hollywood Improv THIS THURSDAY. I'll be boozing and performing alongside a bevy of hilarious comics, including BJ Novak, star of "The Office" on NBC.

-I also want to thank all my fans in Arizona and Texas who came out to my shows in April. I can't even tell you what it's like to get off stage in a city I've never been to before and be besieged by people wanting me to take pictures and sign their books. Without a doubt, that was one of my most ridiculous weeks of stand-up ever!

-And before we get back to the ruminations, let me just plug myself for a second. Wait, that didn't sound right. What I meant was, with college kids graduating left and right this month, if you're a looking for a gift for that special grad in your life...get them a video iPod. If you're looking for something that says, "I'm not sure you'll survive more than three weeks after graduation," check out my second book, Ruminations on Twentysomething Life.

-As always, here are some random things I've been ruminating about lately...

-The other day I came across an ad for an apartment that said a non-refundable deposit was required for tenants with pets. My first thought was, why on earth would anyone ever want to live with an animal? My second thought was, what the hell is a "non-refundable" deposit? Isn't that just a fee?

-A few months ago, my friend Shermdog's sister got engaged and I sent her congratulations via text message. When my grandmother passed away a few weeks ago, my friend Heather expressed her condolences via e-card. I gotta tell you, I'm loving this trend toward less and less personal communication. By the time one of my friends has a baby, all I'm gonna have to do is think really, really hard about how happy I am for them.

-Well, I never thought it would come to this, but I've been blackballed by my own high school. I was invited to speak to the senior class last year about college, and I did so the only way I knew how - with the honest truth. The kids loved it and I felt I'd done them a service by letting them know what actually to expect in college without sugarcoating it. Apparently certain faculty members were offended by my discussions of "syllabi," "fraternities," and "throwing up on chicks," and I am now banned from speaking at my alma mater, Plainview Old-Bethpage John F. Kennedy High School. And to think I bled my own blood on that soccer field.

-I think the worst job you can have is host or hostess at a restaurant that doesn't take reservations. Because all day long you have to pick up the phone and say, "Sorry, we don't take reservations."

-I want to give a special Mother's Day shout to my mom. Mom, sometimes I just don't get you. You start telling stories right in the middle and expect me to piece together what the hell you're talking about. Your cell phone battery dies every single day even though you only talk for about fourteen minutes total. And you consistently refused to DVR "The West Wing" because, you reasoned, it was your favorite show and therefore you "shouldn't have to." But you raised me, and for that you deserve the Medal of Honor. Even though I grew up in the rough and tumble streets of suburban Long Island, you always kept me out of trouble. And I'm still so sorry about getting kicked out of high school that time. But hey, at least it happened nine years after I graduated. I love you Mom!

-And, finally, I truly believe that if you work hard, if you follow your dreams, if you never give up...about 85% of the time you still fail. I mean, come on, let's be realistic. Hollywood is littered with the dreams of those who tried really hard. It's the other 15%, who by some combination of luck and the X-factor have fulfilled all their wildest fantasies, that I strive to join. This week, in New York City, the annual "upfront" presentations are taking place, which is when the television networks traditionally announce their new shows for the coming season (only to abruptly cancel them a few months later). All week, Hollywood producers, executives, agents, and slashies alike will be getting shitblasted together throughout Manhattan to celebrate the occasion. But I'll be here in LA, writing, plotting, and biding my time. It will be worth the wait. And when I do make it, I'll have my people call your people and say, "Fuck me!"


I hope you enjoyed this edition of RUMINATIONS! If you would like to forward this, please do so. If not, it's good for a private chuckle. Thanks for reading!

-Karo
May 15th, 2006
Los Angeles
www.AaronKaro.com