A blonde reports for her university final exam, which consists of mainly true and false questions. She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes her purse out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet: true for heads and false for tails.
Within 30 minutes she's all done, while the rest of the class is still working furiously. During the last few minutes, she is seen desperately throwing the coin, swearing and sweating. The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is happening. "I finished the exam in a half hour," she replies, "and as I have more time left, I'm rechecking my answers."
Thursday, May 18, 2006
The Potato Family
Well, Girl Potato and Boy Potato had eyes for each other, and finally they got married, and had a little sweet potato, which they called 'Yam.'
Of course, they wanted the best for Yam. When it was time, they told her about the facts of life.
They warned her about going out and getting half-baked, so she wouldn't get accidentally mashed, and get a bad name for herself like 'Hot Potato,' and end up with a bunch of Tater Tots.
Yam said not to worry, no Spud would get her into the sack and make a rotten potato out of her!
But on the other hand she wouldn't stay home and become a Couch Potato either. She would get plenty of exercise so as not to be skinny like her Shoestring cousins.
When she went off to Europe, Mr. and Mrs. Potato told Yam to watch out for the hard-boiled guys from Ireland. And the greasy guys from France called the French Fries. And when she went out west, to watch out for the Indians so she wouldn't get scalloped.
Yam said she would stay on the straight and narrow and wouldn't associate with those high class Yukon Golds, or the ones from the other side of the tracks who advertise their trade on all the trucks that say, 'Frito Lay.'
Mr. and Mrs. Potato sent Yam to Idaho P.U. (that's Potato University) so that when she graduated she'd really be in the Chips.
But in spite of all they did for her, one-day Yam came home and announced she was going to marry Tom Brokaw.
Tom Brokaw!
Mr. and Mrs. Potato were very upset. They told Yam she couldn't possibly marry Tom Brokaw because he's just a Common Tater!
Of course, they wanted the best for Yam. When it was time, they told her about the facts of life.
They warned her about going out and getting half-baked, so she wouldn't get accidentally mashed, and get a bad name for herself like 'Hot Potato,' and end up with a bunch of Tater Tots.
Yam said not to worry, no Spud would get her into the sack and make a rotten potato out of her!
But on the other hand she wouldn't stay home and become a Couch Potato either. She would get plenty of exercise so as not to be skinny like her Shoestring cousins.
When she went off to Europe, Mr. and Mrs. Potato told Yam to watch out for the hard-boiled guys from Ireland. And the greasy guys from France called the French Fries. And when she went out west, to watch out for the Indians so she wouldn't get scalloped.
Yam said she would stay on the straight and narrow and wouldn't associate with those high class Yukon Golds, or the ones from the other side of the tracks who advertise their trade on all the trucks that say, 'Frito Lay.'
Mr. and Mrs. Potato sent Yam to Idaho P.U. (that's Potato University) so that when she graduated she'd really be in the Chips.
But in spite of all they did for her, one-day Yam came home and announced she was going to marry Tom Brokaw.
Tom Brokaw!
Mr. and Mrs. Potato were very upset. They told Yam she couldn't possibly marry Tom Brokaw because he's just a Common Tater!
Wednesday, May 17, 2006
$5 Suits
Bubba and Billy Joe are walking down the street in Atlanta, and they see a sign on a store which reads, "Suits $5.00 each! Shirts $2.00 each, trousers $2.50 each."
Bubba says to his pal, "Billy Joe, Look here! We could buy a whole gob of these, take'em back to Sand Mountain, sell 'em to our friends, and make a fortune. Just let me do the talkin' 'cause if they hear your accent, they might think we're ignorant, and not wanna sell that stuff to us. Now, I'll talk in a slow Georgia drawl so's they don't know we is from Alabama."
They go in and Bubba says with his best fake Georgia drawl, "I'll take 50 of them suits at $5.00 each, 100 of them there shirts at $2.00 each, 50 pairs of them there trousers at $2.50 each. I'll back up my pickup and..."
The owner of the shop interrupts, "Ya'll from South Alabama, ain't ya?"
"Well...yeah," says a surprised Bubba...."How come you knowed that?"
"Because this is a dry-cleaners."
Bubba says to his pal, "Billy Joe, Look here! We could buy a whole gob of these, take'em back to Sand Mountain, sell 'em to our friends, and make a fortune. Just let me do the talkin' 'cause if they hear your accent, they might think we're ignorant, and not wanna sell that stuff to us. Now, I'll talk in a slow Georgia drawl so's they don't know we is from Alabama."
They go in and Bubba says with his best fake Georgia drawl, "I'll take 50 of them suits at $5.00 each, 100 of them there shirts at $2.00 each, 50 pairs of them there trousers at $2.50 each. I'll back up my pickup and..."
The owner of the shop interrupts, "Ya'll from South Alabama, ain't ya?"
"Well...yeah," says a surprised Bubba...."How come you knowed that?"
"Because this is a dry-cleaners."
Tuesday, May 16, 2006
Apple Commercial Parody
You have to actually click on the play button, otherwise it opens a new window.
A Few Movie Trailers
Must Love Jaws
10 Things I Hate About Commandments
The Apparent Trap
Sleepless in Seattle
Chicago
The Exorcist: A Christmas Movie
Sunday, May 14, 2006
Traffic Violation
From During Hurrice Katrina. Click on the image to see the clocked speed of the vehicle.
My Yearly Physical
I went to the doctor for my yearly physical. The nurse starts with certain basics. How much do you weigh?" she asks. "175," I say.
The nurse puts me on the scale. It turns out my weight is "205".
The nurse asks, "Your height?" "5 foot 7," I say. The nurse checks and sees that I only measure 5' 5". She then takes my blood pressure and tells me it is very high.
"Of course it's high!" I scream, "When I came in here I was tall and skinny! Now I'm short and fat!"
She put me on Prozac.
The nurse puts me on the scale. It turns out my weight is "205".
The nurse asks, "Your height?" "5 foot 7," I say. The nurse checks and sees that I only measure 5' 5". She then takes my blood pressure and tells me it is very high.
"Of course it's high!" I scream, "When I came in here I was tall and skinny! Now I'm short and fat!"
She put me on Prozac.
Power Outage
Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call. The house was very, very dark, so the paramedic ask Kathleen, a 3-year-old girl, to hold a flashlight high over her Mommy so hecould see while he helped deliver the baby.
Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked. Heidi pushed and pushed, and after a little while Connor was born. The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry.
The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked thewide-eyed 3-year old what she thought about what she had just witnessed. Kathleen quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place....
.....smack him again!"
Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked. Heidi pushed and pushed, and after a little while Connor was born. The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry.
The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked thewide-eyed 3-year old what she thought about what she had just witnessed. Kathleen quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place....
.....smack him again!"
Dirty Words
A young couple got married and went on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother.
"Well," said her mother, "so how was the honeymoon?"
"Oh, Mama," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic . . ."
Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, mama, as soon as we returned, Sam started using the most horrible language . . . things I'd never heard before! I mean, all these awful four-letter words! You've got to take me home . . ., PLEASE MAMA!"
"Sarah, Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! You need to stay with your husband and work this out. Now, tell me, what could be so awful? WHAT four-letter words?"
"Please don't make me tell you, mama," wept the daughter, "I'm so embarrassed, they're just too awful! COME GET ME, PLEASE!!"
"Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset. Tell your mother these horrible four-letter words!"
Sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, Mama . . ., he used words like dust, wash, iron, cook . . ."
"I'll pick you up in twenty minutes," said the mother.
"Well," said her mother, "so how was the honeymoon?"
"Oh, Mama," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic . . ."
Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, mama, as soon as we returned, Sam started using the most horrible language . . . things I'd never heard before! I mean, all these awful four-letter words! You've got to take me home . . ., PLEASE MAMA!"
"Sarah, Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! You need to stay with your husband and work this out. Now, tell me, what could be so awful? WHAT four-letter words?"
"Please don't make me tell you, mama," wept the daughter, "I'm so embarrassed, they're just too awful! COME GET ME, PLEASE!!"
"Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset. Tell your mother these horrible four-letter words!"
Sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, Mama . . ., he used words like dust, wash, iron, cook . . ."
"I'll pick you up in twenty minutes," said the mother.
Painting on a Bathroom Floor
Imagine that you're at a party.
You've been drinking, maybe a little more than you should (not that you would).
And of course the time comes that you have to visit the bathroom.
You stumble in, and see...
You've been drinking, maybe a little more than you should (not that you would).
And of course the time comes that you have to visit the bathroom.
You stumble in, and see...
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