Aviation Axioms

1. No matter what else happens, fly the airplane. Forget all that stuff about thrust and drag, lift and gravity; an airplane flies because of money.
2. It's better to be down here wishing you were up there, than up there wishing you were down here.
3. If you're ever faced with a forced landing at night, turn on the landing lights to see the landing area. If you don't like what you see, turn 'em back off.
4. A check ride ought to be like a skirt, short enough to be interesting but still be long enough to cover everything.
5. Speed is life - altitude is life insurance. No one has ever collided with the sky!
6. Always remember you fly an airplane with your head, not your hands.
7. Never let an airplane take you somewhere your brain didn't get to five minutes earlier.
8. "Unskilled" pilots are always found in the wreckage with their hand around the microphone.
9. If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger; if you pull the stick back, they get smaller. (Unless you keep pulling the stick back-then they get bigger again.)
10. Hovering is for pilots who love to fly but have no place to go.
11. The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.
12. Flying is the second greatest thrill known to man. Landing is the first!
13. Everyone already knows the definition of a 'good' landing is one from which you can walk away. But very few know the definition of a 'great' landing. It's one after which you can use the airplane another time.
14. The probability of survival is equal to the angle of arrival.
15. IFR: I Follow Roads.
16. You know you've landed with the wheels up when it takes full power to taxi.
17. Those who hoot with the owls by night should not fly with the eagles by day.
18. A helicopter is a collection of rotating parts going round and round and reciprocating parts going up and down -- all of them trying to become random in motion.
19. Helicopters can't really fly -- they're just so ugly that the earth immediately repels them.
20. Pilots believe in clean living. They never drink whiskey from a dirty glass.
21. Things that do you no good in aviation: Altitude above you; runway behind you; fuel in the truck; half a second ago; approach plates in the car; the airspeed you don't have.
22. If God meant man to fly, He'd have given him more money.
23. Flying is not dangerous; crashing is dangerous.
24. A good simulator check ride is like successful surgery on a corpse.
25. Asking what a pilot thinks about the FAA is like asking a tree what it thinks about dogs.
26. Trust your captain but keep your seat belt securely fastened.
27. An airplane may disappoint a good pilot, but it won't surprise him.
28. Any pilot who relies on a terminal forecast can be sold the Brooklyn Bridge. If he relies on winds-aloft reports he can be sold Niagara Falls.
29. The friendliest flight attendants are those on the trip home.
30. Good judgment comes from experience and experience comes from bad judgment.
31. Being an airline pilot would be great if you didn't have to go on all those trips.
32. Aviation is not so much a profession as it is a disease.
33. The nicer an airplane looks, the better it flies.
34. There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing. Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.
35. It's a good landing if you can still get the doors open.
36. Passengers prefer old captains and young flight attendants.
37. The only thing worse than a captain who never flew as copilot is a copilot who once was a captain.
38. It's best to keep the pointed end going forward as much as possible.
39. If an earthquake suddenly opened a fissure in a runway that caused an accident, the FAA would find a way to blame it on pilot error.
40. Any attempt to stretch fuel is guaranteed to increase headwind.
41. A thunderstorm is never as bad on the inside as it appears on the outside. It's worse.
42. It's easy to make a small fortune in aviation. You start with a large fortune.
43. A male pilot is a confused soul who talks about women when he's flying, and about flying when he's with a woman.
44. A fool and his money are soon flying more airplane than he can handle.
45. The last thing every pilot does before leaving the aircraft after making a gear up landing is to put the gear selection lever in the 'down' position.
46. Try to keep the number of your landings equal to the number of your takeoffs.
47. Takeoffs are optional. Landings are mandatory.
48. You cannot propel yourself forward by patting yourself on the back.
49. The difference between a fighter pilot & a pig? A pig doesn't sit at a bar until 0300 waiting to pick up a fighter pilot.

Award Winning Shopping Bags

The Glass Eye

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man.

He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

Oh my, I am so sorry, " the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.

"Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you, " she says.

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theater followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.

After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast.

They had a wonderful, wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed! ! Everything had been SO incredible!!!!


"You know, " he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet? "

"No, " she replies. . . . . "

She says:

"You just happened to catch my eye."

The Bet

An elderly woman walked into the Bank of Canada one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money.

After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right) an employee took the elderly woman to the president's office.

The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied, "$165,000". The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money. The elderly woman replied that she made bets.

The president was surprised and asked, "What kind of bets?"

The elderly woman replied, "Well, I bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square."

The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that.

The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said, "Would you like to take my bet?"

"Certainly", replied the president. "I bet you $25,000 that my testicles are not square."

"Done", the elderly woman answered. "But given the amount of money involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 o' clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness." "No problem", said the president of the Bank confidently.

That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way and that, checking them over again and again until he was positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet.

The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly woman arrived at the president's office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before that the president's testicles were square.

The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants etc. so that she and her lawyer could see clearly.

The president was happy to oblige.

The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked the president if she could touch them. "Of course", said the president. "Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure."

The elderly woman did so with a little smile. Suddenly the president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall. He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied, "Oh, it's probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 o'clock in the morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Bank of Canada!"

A Lonely Adam

Adam is walking around the garden bored an lonely, he walks up to god and says "God I'm lonely..I think I need..."

And God cuts him off saying in an excited voice "You need someone that's your best friend, your lover, that is there for you when you need someone and feel lonely someone thats your soul mate!"

Adam nods vigerously "Yeah!!"

God smiled knowingly "You need a woman!"

Adam nodded "Yeah a woman!" He then got a suspicious look on his face and with narrowed eyes looked at god "Wait a second....whats this going to cost me?"

God answerd in a booming voice "AN ARM AND A LEG!"

Adam looked shocked to hear this and then with a sly look on his face asked "What can I get for a rib?"

2006 California Driver's License Application

This is a new Exam. Since driving conditions (and culture) are unique in California, you may not have realized that the California Department of Motor Vehicles has now issued a special Application and drivers' test solely for Californians.

2006 CALIFORNIA DRIVER'S LICENSE APPLICATION

Name: ___________________ Stage Name:________________

Agent: __________________ Attorney:____________________

Therapist's Name: _________________



Sex: [ ] Male [ ] Female*
[ ] Formerly Male [ ] Formerly Female [ ] Both

*If female, indicate breast implant size: _______

Will the size of your implants hinder your ability to safely operate a motor vehicle in any way? [ ] Yes [ ] No

Please list brand of cell phone: ________.

If you don't own a cell phone, please explain why you don't:
_______________________________________________
(Use extra pages, if necessary)

Please check hair color:

Females: [ ] Blonde [ ] Platinum Blonde
Teenagers: [ ] Red [ ] Orange [ ] Green [ ] Purple [ ] Blue [ ] Skinhead [ ] Other ___________
Males: [ ] hairpiece [ ] implant [ ] comb over [ ] bald (naturally) [ ] bald (shaven)


Please check activities you perform while driving: (Check all that apply):
[ ] Eating
[ ] Drinking Starbucks coffee
[ ] Applying make-up
[ ] Shaving (male or female)
[x] Talking on the phone (already checked for your convenience)
[ ] Lifting weights
[ ] Slapping kids in the back-seat
[ ] Applying cellulite treatment to thighs
[ ] Tanning
[ ] Watching TV
[ ] Reading Variety
[ ] Surfing the net via laptop
[ ] Discharging firearms / reloading


Please indicate how many times, while driving, you expect to:
[ ] a) Shoot at other drivers ___
[ ] b) Be shot at ___

If you are the victim of a carjacking, you should immediately:
[ ] a) Call the police to report the crime.
[ ] b) Call Channel 9 News to report the crime, then watch your car on the news in a high-speed chase.
[ ] c) Call your attorney and discuss lawsuit against cellular phone company for your 911 call not going through.
[ ] d) Call your therapist.

In the event of an earthquake, you should:
[ ] a) Stop your car.
[ ] b) Keep driving and hope for the best.
[ ] c) Immediately use your cell phone to call all loved ones.
[ ] d) Pull out the video camera to obtain footage for Channel 9.

In the instance of rain, you should:
[ ] a) Never drive over 5 MPH.
[ ] b) Drive twice as fast as usual.
[ ] c) You're not sure what "rain" is.

Please indicate your current number of therapy sessions per week: ________

Are you presently taking any of the following medications?
[ ] a) Prozac
[ ] b) Zovirax
[ ] c) Lithium
[ ] d) Zanax
[ ] e) Valium
[ ] f) Medi cal pot
[ ] g) Zoloft
[ ] h) All of the above
[ ] i) None of the above*

* If none, please explain: __________________.

Length of daily commute:
[ ] a) Less than 1 hour*
[ ] b) 1 hour
[ ] c) 2 hours
[ ] d) 3 hours
[ ] e) 4 hours or more

* If less than 1 hour, please explain:____________________.


When stopped by police, you should:
[ ] a) Pull over and have your driver's license and insurance form ready
[ ] b) Try to outrun them by driving the wrong way on the freeway.
[ ] c) Have your video camera ready and provoke them to attack, thus ensuring yourself of a hefty lawsuit profit.

When you see a woman driver with her arm extended out the window, it means:
[ ] a) Her turn-signals are broken.
[ ] b) She is giving an indication she intends to change lanes.
[ ] c) She is drying her nails.


Which part of your car will wear out first?
[ ] a) The wiper blades
[ ] b) The seat belts
[ ] c) The horn


Automatic door locks are good for:
[ ] a) Security
[ ] b) Convenience
[ ] c) Messing with the heads of people trying to get in.


The "bright" setting on your headlights is for:
[ ] a) Dark, poorly lit roads
[ ] b) Flashing to get the car ahead to move out of the way
[ ] c) Revenge


If you are over the age of 75, you do not have to complete this test, you are entitled to drive even if you cannot see, hear, or move.

Sh*t Happens...

Overzealous zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt (Paderborn, Germany) fed his constipated elephant Stefan 22 doses of animal laxative and more than a bushel of berries, figs and prunes before the plugged-up pachyderm finally let it fly, and suffocated the keeper under 200 pounds of poop!

Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the ailing elephant an olive oil enema when the relieved beast unloaded on him.

"The sheer force of the elephant's unexpected defecation knocked Mr. Riesfeldt to the ground, where he struck his head on a rock and lay unconscious as the elephant continued to evacuate his bowels on top of him" said flabbergasted Paderborn police detective Erik Dern. '

With no one there to help him, he lay under all that dung for at least an hour before a watchman came along, and during that time he suffocated. It seems to be just one of those freak accidents that proves that "Sh!t happens!"

*A Darwin Award Winner

Never Be Afraid...

Sex Study

A South American scientist, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with not enough sexual activity read their e-mail & browse websites with their hand on the mouse.

Don't bother taking it off now; it's too late.

My Wife Left...

I don't understand. After the last child was born, she told me we had to cut back on expenses, I had to give up drinking beer. I was not a big drinker maybe a 12 pack on weekends.

Anyway, I gave it up but I noticed the other day she came home from grocery shopping and when I looked at the receipt and saw $45 in makeup. I said, "Wait a minute I've given up beer and you haven't given up anything!"

She said, "I buy that makeup for you, so I can look pretty for you." I told her, "Hell, that's what the beer was for!"

I don't think she'll be back.