Sh*t Happens...

Overzealous zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt (Paderborn, Germany) fed his constipated elephant Stefan 22 doses of animal laxative and more than a bushel of berries, figs and prunes before the plugged-up pachyderm finally let it fly, and suffocated the keeper under 200 pounds of poop!

Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the ailing elephant an olive oil enema when the relieved beast unloaded on him.

"The sheer force of the elephant's unexpected defecation knocked Mr. Riesfeldt to the ground, where he struck his head on a rock and lay unconscious as the elephant continued to evacuate his bowels on top of him" said flabbergasted Paderborn police detective Erik Dern. '

With no one there to help him, he lay under all that dung for at least an hour before a watchman came along, and during that time he suffocated. It seems to be just one of those freak accidents that proves that "Sh!t happens!"

*A Darwin Award Winner

Never Be Afraid...

Sex Study

A South American scientist, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with not enough sexual activity read their e-mail & browse websites with their hand on the mouse.

Don't bother taking it off now; it's too late.

My Wife Left...

I don't understand. After the last child was born, she told me we had to cut back on expenses, I had to give up drinking beer. I was not a big drinker maybe a 12 pack on weekends.

Anyway, I gave it up but I noticed the other day she came home from grocery shopping and when I looked at the receipt and saw $45 in makeup. I said, "Wait a minute I've given up beer and you haven't given up anything!"

She said, "I buy that makeup for you, so I can look pretty for you." I told her, "Hell, that's what the beer was for!"

I don't think she'll be back.

Taking a Collection

A driver is stuck in a traffic jam on the highway. Nothing is moving.

Suddenly a man knocks on the window. The driver rolls down his window and asks, "What happened?"

"Terrorists have kidnapped Hillary Clinton, Ted Kennedy, Jesse Jackson, and Al Sharpton. They are asking for a $10 million ransom. Otherwise they are going to douse them with gasoline and set them on fire. We are going from car to car, taking up a collection."

The driver asks, "How much is everyone giving, on average?"

"About a gallon."

Three Wishes

Three guys -- a Canadian farmer, Osama bin Laden, and an American engineer -- are working together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it. "I will give each of you one wish, which is three wishes total," says the Genie.

The Canadian says, "I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada." Pooooof! With the blink of the Genie's eye, the land in Canada was forever made fertile for farming.

Osama bin Ladin was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Afghanistan, Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, Jews or Americans can come into our precious state." Pooooof! Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall around those countries.

The American engineer says, "I am very curious. Please tell me more about this wall." The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 5000 feet high, 500 feet thick and completely surrounds the country. Nothing can get in or out -- it's virtually impenetrable."

The American engineer says, "Fill it with water."

Fun Things to do at Work

Clarification of Texas Hunting Law

The Texas Parks and Wildlife Department issued a statement today saying Vice President Cheney broke no law by shooting a lawyer instead of a quail over the weekend.

A TPWD spokesman noted that, in Texas, lawyers are not considered game creatures, and are thus not subject to seasonal limitations or bag limits. It was further noted that lawyer hunting was encouraged as the state is overrun with the pesky creatures.

A local food critic said that, contrary to rumor, lawyers do not taste like chicken, but rather like bovine dung which is a major component of their composition. Below is a complete listing of the regulations.....

Texas 2005- 2006 Season and Bag Limit On Attorneys

1. Any person with a valid Texas hunting license may harvest attorneys.
2. Attorneys may be taken with traps and deadfalls. Currency may not be used as bait.
3. Attorneys may not be killed with a motorized vehicle. If accidentally struck, the hunter should move the carcass to the roadside, and proceed to a car wash.
4. It is unlawful to chase, herd or harvest attorneys from a motor vehicle, watercraft or aircraft. Marked police vehicles may be used as shooting platforms.
5. It is unlawful to shout, "Whiplash, Ambulance,or Free Booze" for the purpose of trapping attorneys.
6. It is unlawful to hunt attorneys within 100 yards of Mercedes, BMW, Lexus, or Infiniti dealerships.
7. It is unlawful for a hunter to disguise himself as a reporter, drug dealer, female law clerk, sheep, accident victim, physician, bookie, or tax accountant for the purpose of hunting attorneys.
8. Care should be used so as not to endanger any remaining species. We would not want a repetition of the disaster that followed the "no limit" season on the subspecies, "Honest Lawyers". That particular variety is near extinction. Excessive harvesting could diminish the chances for survival of the Bill of Rights.

Bacon for Life

The fellow in the pictures is Larry Earley. He lives about 30 miles from Orlando, in the very rural community of Okahumpka, just off the Florida turnpike in Lake County, Florida. He has 20 acres of land and on it, a few cows and horses. Mostly it's pasture land that is fence ith woods surrounding him.

He is neighbored by a larger cattle ranch.

His neighbor has complained for several years that wild hogs had been raiding his cattle feeders and salt licks.

Last month he saw what he thought was a cow in his pond and went to see if it was stuck in the mud and would have to be pulled out. When he got close enough to realize it was a hog, the thing made a charge at him. He had driven his truck down to the pond and carries a pistol in it (as any Florida redneck would, and I say that with genuine affection). He got his handgun and when it came at him again, he shot it and killed it.


Wild hogs in Florida usually run from 100-400 pounds with a 400 pounder being a monster. Because this one had been feasting on grain for several years it had grown to mammoth size. When Larry took it to the processor it weighed in at over 1100 pounds! The meat has no wild taste, as it was grain fed; and Larry is quite the hero. He has fed many fireman and provided the homeless shelter in downtown Orlando with a couple of meals.

Company Parties

In order to stay in line with the new policy limiting the number of drinks to one beer at official events, we have purchased new cups for the next office get together.