Tuesday, February 07, 2006

Headlines in 2029

  • Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia formally known as California.
  • Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and livestock.
  • Baby conceived naturally . . . scientists stumped.
  • Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.
  • Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the American Territory of the Middle East (formerly known as Iran, Afghanistan, Syria and Lebanon).
  • Iran still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.
  • France pleads for global help after being over taken by Jamaica.
  • Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.
  • George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.
  • Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.
  • 85-year, $75.8 billion study: Diet and Exercise are the keys to weight loss.
  • Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs.
  • Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed, they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut.
  • Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.
  • Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.
  • Average height of NBA players now nine feet, seven inches.
  • New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2036.
  • Congress authorizes direct deposit of formerly illegal political contributions to campaign accounts.
  • IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent.
  • Florida voters still don't know how to use a voting machine.

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