Monday, February 18, 2008
Friday, February 15, 2008
Thursday, February 14, 2008
Monday, February 11, 2008
Rubber Gloves
A dentist noticed that his next patient, a little old lady, was nervous so he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his gloves.
'Do you know how they make these gloves?' he asked.
'No, I don't,' she replied.
'Well,' he spoofed, 'there's a building in Canada with a big tank of latex and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in their hands, let them dry, then peel off the gloves and throw them into boxes of the right size.'
She didn't crack a smile.
'Oh, well. I tried,' he thought.
But five minutes later, during a delicate portion of the procedure, she burst out laughing.
'What's so funny?' he asked
'I was just envisioning how condoms are made!'
'Do you know how they make these gloves?' he asked.
'No, I don't,' she replied.
'Well,' he spoofed, 'there's a building in Canada with a big tank of latex and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in their hands, let them dry, then peel off the gloves and throw them into boxes of the right size.'
She didn't crack a smile.
'Oh, well. I tried,' he thought.
But five minutes later, during a delicate portion of the procedure, she burst out laughing.
'What's so funny?' he asked
'I was just envisioning how condoms are made!'
Friday, February 08, 2008
Math Homework
A little boy was doing his maths homework.
He said to himself, "Two plus five, the son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, the son of a bitch is nine..."
His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?"
The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mom."
"And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked.
"Yes," he answered.
Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you teaching my son in math?"
The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition."
The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, the son of a bitch is four?"
After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."
He said to himself, "Two plus five, the son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, the son of a bitch is nine..."
His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?"
The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mom."
"And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked.
"Yes," he answered.
Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you teaching my son in math?"
The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition."
The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, the son of a bitch is four?"
After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."
Driving with Dad
A father, who worked away from home all week, always made a special effort with his family on the weekends. Every Sunday morning he would take his 7-year old daughter out for a drive in the car for some bonding time.
One particular Sunday however, he had a bad cold and he really didn't feel like being up at all. Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their daughter out.
When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her father.
"Well," the father asked, "Did you enjoy your ride with mommy?"
"Oh yes, Daddy" the girl replied, "and do you know what? We didn't see a single dumb bastard or lousy shit head!"
One particular Sunday however, he had a bad cold and he really didn't feel like being up at all. Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their daughter out.
When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her father.
"Well," the father asked, "Did you enjoy your ride with mommy?"
"Oh yes, Daddy" the girl replied, "and do you know what? We didn't see a single dumb bastard or lousy shit head!"
Monday, February 04, 2008
Rooster Chase
John the farmer was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), called "pullets", and ten roosters, whose job it was to fertilize the eggs.
The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of his time, so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so John could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.
The farmer's favorite rooster was old Butch, a very fine specimen he was, too. But on this particular morning John noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! John went to investigate.
The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.
But to Farmer John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Renfrew County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.
The result...The judges not only awarded old Butch the No Bell Piece Prize but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well.
Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making: who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.
Vote carefully...the bells are not always audible!
The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of his time, so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so John could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.
The farmer's favorite rooster was old Butch, a very fine specimen he was, too. But on this particular morning John noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! John went to investigate.
The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.
But to Farmer John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Renfrew County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.
The result...The judges not only awarded old Butch the No Bell Piece Prize but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well.
Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making: who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.
Vote carefully...the bells are not always audible!
Wednesday, January 30, 2008
Blonde Cookbook
MONDAY
It's fun to cook for Bill. Today I made angel food cake. The recipe said beat 12 eggs separately. The neighbors were nice enough to loan me some extra bowls.
TUESDAY
Bill wanted fruit salad for supper. The recipe said serve without dressing. So I didn't dress. What a surprise when Bill brought a friend home for supper.
WEDNESDAY
A good day for rice. The recipe said wash thoroughly before steaming the rice. It seemed kind of silly but I took a bath anyway. I can't say it improved the rice any.
THURSDAY
Today Bill asked for salad again I tried a new recipe. It said prepare ingredients; lay on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving. Bill asked me why I was rolling around in the garden.
FRIDAY
I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said put the ingredients in a bowl and beat it. There must have been something wrong with this recipe. When I got back, everything was the same as when I left.
SATURDAY
Bill did the shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday. I don't have any clothes that fit it, and for some reason Bill keeps counting to ten.
SUNDAY
Bill's folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast but all I had was hamburger. Suddenly I had a flash of genius. I put the hamburger in the oven and set the controls for roast. It still came out hamburger, much to my disappointment.
GOOD NIGHT DIARY.
This has been a very exciting week! I am eager for tomorrow to come so I can try out a new recipe on Bill. If I can talk Bill into buying a bigger oven, I would like to surprise him with a chocolate moose.
It's fun to cook for Bill. Today I made angel food cake. The recipe said beat 12 eggs separately. The neighbors were nice enough to loan me some extra bowls.
TUESDAY
Bill wanted fruit salad for supper. The recipe said serve without dressing. So I didn't dress. What a surprise when Bill brought a friend home for supper.
WEDNESDAY
A good day for rice. The recipe said wash thoroughly before steaming the rice. It seemed kind of silly but I took a bath anyway. I can't say it improved the rice any.
THURSDAY
Today Bill asked for salad again I tried a new recipe. It said prepare ingredients; lay on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving. Bill asked me why I was rolling around in the garden.
FRIDAY
I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said put the ingredients in a bowl and beat it. There must have been something wrong with this recipe. When I got back, everything was the same as when I left.
SATURDAY
Bill did the shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday. I don't have any clothes that fit it, and for some reason Bill keeps counting to ten.
SUNDAY
Bill's folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast but all I had was hamburger. Suddenly I had a flash of genius. I put the hamburger in the oven and set the controls for roast. It still came out hamburger, much to my disappointment.
GOOD NIGHT DIARY.
This has been a very exciting week! I am eager for tomorrow to come so I can try out a new recipe on Bill. If I can talk Bill into buying a bigger oven, I would like to surprise him with a chocolate moose.
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