Proverbs

• If the rich could hire other people to die for them, the Poor could make a wonderful living.
  -Yiddish Proverb
• The wise man, even when he holds his tongue, says more than the fool when he speaks.
  -Yiddish Proverb
• Ask about your neighbors, then buy the house.
  -Yiddish proverb
• What you don't see with your eyes, don't invent with your mouth.
  -Yiddish proverb
• A hero is someone who can keep his mouth shut when he is right.
  -Yiddish Proverb
• One old friend is better than two new ones.
  -Yiddish Proverb
• One of life's greatest mysteries is how the boy who wasn't good enough to marry your daughter can be the father of the smartest grandchild in the world.
  -Jewish Proverb
• Old friends, like old wines, don't lose their flavor.
  -Jewish Proverb
• A wise man hears one word and understands two.
  -Yiddish Proverb
• "Don't be so humble - you are not that great."
  -Golda Meir (1898-1978) to a visiting diplomat
• Pessimism is a luxury that a Jew can never allow himself.
  -Golda Meir
• Life is like riding a bicycle. To keep your balance you must keep moving.
  -Albert Einstein
• When his wife asked him to change clothes to meet the German Ambassador: If they want to see me, here I am. If they want to see my clothes, open my closet and show them my suits.
  -Albert Einstein
• Intellectuals solve problems; geniuses prevent them. -
  -Albert Einstein
• The hardest thing in the world to understand is income tax.
  -Albert Einstein
• You can't control the wind, but you can adjust your sails.
  -Yiddish proverb
• I don't want to become immortal through my work. I want to become immortal through not dying.
  -Woody Allen
• I'm not afraid of dying - I just don't want to be there when it happens!
  -Woody Allen
• Imagination is more important than knowledge.
  -Sign hanging in Einstein's office at Princeton
• Not everything that counts can be counted, and not everything that can be counted counts.
  -Albert Einstein
• We can't solve problems by using the same kind of thinking we used when we created them.
  -Albert Einstein
• Education is what remains after one has forgotten everything he learned in school.
  -Albert Einstein
• Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe.
  -Albert Einstein

Laughter is Contaigous

High Power Job

Dear Abby...

Dear Abby,
A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid twenties These two women go everywhere together and I've never seen a man go into or leave their apartment. Do you think they could be Lebanese?

Dear Abby,
What can I do about all the Sex, Nudity, Foul Language and Violence on my VCR?

Dear Abby,
I have a man I can't trust. He cheats so much, I'm not even sure the baby I'm carrying is his.

Dear Abby,
I am a twenty-three year old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years. It's getting expensive and I think my boy friend should share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss money with him.

Dear Abby,
I've suspected that my husband has been fooling around, and when confronted with the evidence, he denied everything and said it would never happen again.

Dear Abby,
Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own?

Dear Abby,
My forty year old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50.00 an hour every week for two and a half years. He must be crazy.

Dear Abby,
I was married to Bill for three months and I didn't know he drank until one night he came home sober.

Dear Abby,
My mother is mean and short tempered. I think she is going through mental pause.

Hell

The following is an actual question given on a Brown University chemistry mid-term.

The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well:

Bonus Question:

Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.

Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added. This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over.

The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God!"

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A"!

Click Here To Infect Your PC!

"Just how many people would click an ad saying "Is your PC virus-free? Get it infected here!"? According to the security researcher who ran that very ad on Google for 6 months, 0.16% (409 of 259,723) would click on it. 98% of those people were running Windows. The Google Adwords campaign cost $23 in total, which works out to $0.06 per infection had the site actually been malicious."

-From Slashdot

Redneck Woman

A woman walks into the downtown welfare office, trailed by 15 kids.

"WOW," the social worker exclaims, "are they ALL YOURS???"

"Yep they are all mine," the flustered momma sighs, having heard that question a thousand times before. She says, "Sit down Leroy."

All the children rush to find seats.

"Well," says the social worker, "then you must be here to sign up. I'll need all your children's names."

"This one's my oldest - he is Leroy."

"OK, and who's next?"

"Well, this one he is Leroy, also."

The social worker raises an eyebrow but continues.

One by one, through the oldest four, all boys, all named Leroy. Then she is introduced to the eldest girl, named Leighroy!

"All right," says the caseworker. "I'm seeing a pattern here. Are they ALL named Leroy?"

Their Momma replied, "Well, yes-it makes it easier. When it is time to get them out of bed and ready for school, I yell, 'Leroy!' 'An' when it's time for dinner, I just yell 'Leroy!' an' they all comes arunnin' an' if I need to stop the kid who's running into the street, I just yell 'Leroy' and all of them stop. It's the smartest idea I ever had, namin' them all Leroy."

The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead and says tentatively, "But what if you just want ONE kid to come, and not the whole bunch?"

"I call them by their last names."

The Theif

A thief in Paris planned to steal some paintings from the Louvre. After carefully planning, he got past security, stole the paintings and made it safely to his van.

However, he was captured only two blocks away when his van ran out of gas.

When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied:

"Monsieur, that's the reason I stole the paintings. I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh."

(And I bet you thought I didn't have De Gaulle to post this!)

Taxi!

Next Generation