I was in my back yard yesterday, trying to fly a kite. I threw the kite up in the air, the wind caught it for a few seconds, then it came crashing back down to earth. I tried this a few more times with no success.
All the while, my wife is watching me from the kitchen window, muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything.
She opened the window and yelled to me, "You need a piece of tail."
I turned with a confused look on my face and said to her, "Make up your mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a kite."
Thursday, April 13, 2006
Monday, April 10, 2006
refrigerator
Some guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying: "Free to good home. You want it, you take it". For three days the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it. He eventually decided that people were too un-trusting of this deal. It looked to good to be true, so he changed
The sign to read: "Fridge for sale $50". The next day someone stole it!!!
The sign to read: "Fridge for sale $50". The next day someone stole it!!!
Friday, April 07, 2006
Computer Viruses to Watch out For
The George Bush Virus - Causes your computer to keep looking for viruses of mass destruction.
The John Kerry Virus - Stores data on both sides of the disk and causes little purple hearts to appear on screen.
The Clinton Virus - Gives you a permanent Hard Drive with NO memory.
The Al Gore Virus - Causes your computer to keep counting and re-counting.
The Bob Dole Virus - Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy.
The Lewinsky Virus - Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then e-mails everyone about what it did.
The Arnold Schwarzenegger Virus - Terminates some files, leaves, but will be back.
The Mike Tyson Virus - Quits after two bytes.
The Oprah Winfrey Virus - Your 200 GB hard drive shrinks to 100 GB, then slowly expands to re-stabilize around 350 GB.
The Ellen Degeneres Virus - Disks can no longer be inserted.
The Prozac Virus - Totally screws up your RAM, but your processor doesn't care.
The Michael Jackson Virus - Only attacks minor files.
The Lorena Bobbitt Virus - Reformats your hard drive into 3.5 inch floppy ... then discards it through Windows
The John Kerry Virus - Stores data on both sides of the disk and causes little purple hearts to appear on screen.
The Clinton Virus - Gives you a permanent Hard Drive with NO memory.
The Al Gore Virus - Causes your computer to keep counting and re-counting.
The Bob Dole Virus - Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy.
The Lewinsky Virus - Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then e-mails everyone about what it did.
The Arnold Schwarzenegger Virus - Terminates some files, leaves, but will be back.
The Mike Tyson Virus - Quits after two bytes.
The Oprah Winfrey Virus - Your 200 GB hard drive shrinks to 100 GB, then slowly expands to re-stabilize around 350 GB.
The Ellen Degeneres Virus - Disks can no longer be inserted.
The Prozac Virus - Totally screws up your RAM, but your processor doesn't care.
The Michael Jackson Virus - Only attacks minor files.
The Lorena Bobbitt Virus - Reformats your hard drive into 3.5 inch floppy ... then discards it through Windows
Monday, March 27, 2006
Leaving Work Early
Three girls all worked in the same office with the same female boss.
Each day, they noticed the boss left work early. One day the girls decided that when the boss left, they would leave right behind her. After all, she never called or came back to work, so how would she know they went home early??
The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening, spent playtime with her son, and went to bed early.
The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the spa before meeting a dinner date.
The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband, but when she got to her bedroom, she heard a muffled noise from inside. Slowly and quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with her lady boss!! Gently, she closed the door and crept out of her house.
The next day at coffee break, the brunette and the redhead planned to leave early again, and they asked the blonde if she was going to go with them.
"No way," the blonde exclaimed. "I almost got caught yesterday."
Each day, they noticed the boss left work early. One day the girls decided that when the boss left, they would leave right behind her. After all, she never called or came back to work, so how would she know they went home early??
The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening, spent playtime with her son, and went to bed early.
The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the spa before meeting a dinner date.
The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband, but when she got to her bedroom, she heard a muffled noise from inside. Slowly and quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with her lady boss!! Gently, she closed the door and crept out of her house.
The next day at coffee break, the brunette and the redhead planned to leave early again, and they asked the blonde if she was going to go with them.
"No way," the blonde exclaimed. "I almost got caught yesterday."
Sunday, March 26, 2006
Sunday, March 19, 2006
A Few Blonde Jokes
LOGIC
Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking....... and one blonde says to the other, "Which do you think is farther away...Florida or the moon?"
The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida..?????"
CAR TROUBLE
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died... After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She says, "What's the story?"
He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor"
She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"
SPEEDING TICKET
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.
She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday, you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!!!"
BLONDE ON THE SUN
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, "We were the first in space!"
The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"
The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!"
The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads.
"You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian.
To which the Blonde replied, "Duh, we're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!!!"
IN A VACUUM
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature.
Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"
She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off???"
Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking....... and one blonde says to the other, "Which do you think is farther away...Florida or the moon?"
The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida..?????"
CAR TROUBLE
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died... After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She says, "What's the story?"
He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor"
She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"
SPEEDING TICKET
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.
She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday, you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!!!"
BLONDE ON THE SUN
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, "We were the first in space!"
The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"
The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!"
The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads.
"You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian.
To which the Blonde replied, "Duh, we're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!!!"
IN A VACUUM
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature.
Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"
She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off???"
Customer Service
An award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in Denver for being smart and funny, while making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.
A crowded United Airlines flight was canceled. A single agent was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS."
The agent replied, "I am sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but, I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out."
The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"
Without hesitating, the agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone, "May I have your attention please, " she began, her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Gate 14."
With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore "F*** You!"
Without flinching, she smiled and said, “I'm sorry sir, you'll have to get in line for that too.”
A crowded United Airlines flight was canceled. A single agent was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS."
The agent replied, "I am sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but, I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out."
The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"
Without hesitating, the agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone, "May I have your attention please, " she began, her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Gate 14."
With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore "F*** You!"
Without flinching, she smiled and said, “I'm sorry sir, you'll have to get in line for that too.”
Saturday, March 18, 2006
Saturday, March 11, 2006
The Lutheran
Eino, a Finlander from Cook County in northern Minnesota - was an older, single gentleman who was born and raised a Lutheran. Each Friday night after work, he would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a venison steak.
Now, all of Eino's neighbors were Catholic.....and since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat on Fridays. The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest.
The priest came to visit Eino, and suggested that Eino convert to Catholicism. After several classes and much study, Eino attended Mass.....and as the priest sprinkled holy water over Eino, he said, "You were born a Lutheran and raised a Lutheran, but now you are Catholic."
Eino's neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived, and the wonderful aroma of grilled venison filled the neighborhood.
The priest was called immediately by the neighbors and, as he rushed into Eino's yard, clutching a rosary and prepared to scold Eino, he stopped in amazement and watched......
There stood Eino, clutching a small bottle of water which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat, and chanted: "You were born a deer, and raised a deer, but now you are a walleye."
Now, all of Eino's neighbors were Catholic.....and since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat on Fridays. The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest.
The priest came to visit Eino, and suggested that Eino convert to Catholicism. After several classes and much study, Eino attended Mass.....and as the priest sprinkled holy water over Eino, he said, "You were born a Lutheran and raised a Lutheran, but now you are Catholic."
Eino's neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived, and the wonderful aroma of grilled venison filled the neighborhood.
The priest was called immediately by the neighbors and, as he rushed into Eino's yard, clutching a rosary and prepared to scold Eino, he stopped in amazement and watched......
There stood Eino, clutching a small bottle of water which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat, and chanted: "You were born a deer, and raised a deer, but now you are a walleye."
Not His Day
While walking through the Northern California woods, a man came up to another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the tree. Seeing this he inquired, "Just out of curiosity, what the heck are you doing?"
"I'm listening to the music of the tree," the tree hugger replied.
"You gotta be kiddin' me" the walker said.
"Oh no", says the hugger, "would you like to give it a try?"
Understandably curious, the walker says, "Well, OK..." So he wrapped his arms around the tree and pressed his ear up against it.
With this the other guy slapped a pair of handcuffs on him, took his wallet, jewelry, car keys,and then stripped him naked and left.
Two hours later another nature lover strolled by, saw this guy handcuffed to the tree stark naked, and asked, "What the hell happened to you?"
He tells the guy the whole story about how he got there. When he finished telling his story, the other guy shook his head in sympathy, walked around behind him, kissed him behind the ear and said, "This just ain't gonna be your day, pal."
"I'm listening to the music of the tree," the tree hugger replied.
"You gotta be kiddin' me" the walker said.
"Oh no", says the hugger, "would you like to give it a try?"
Understandably curious, the walker says, "Well, OK..." So he wrapped his arms around the tree and pressed his ear up against it.
With this the other guy slapped a pair of handcuffs on him, took his wallet, jewelry, car keys,and then stripped him naked and left.
Two hours later another nature lover strolled by, saw this guy handcuffed to the tree stark naked, and asked, "What the hell happened to you?"
He tells the guy the whole story about how he got there. When he finished telling his story, the other guy shook his head in sympathy, walked around behind him, kissed him behind the ear and said, "This just ain't gonna be your day, pal."
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
