Tulane Study

A study conducted by Tulane's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle.

For example: If she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features. However, if she is menstruating, or menopausal, she tends to be more attracted to a man with duct tape over his mouth and a spear lodged in his chest while he is on fire.

No further studies are expected.

Service

I became confused when I heard these terms which reference the word service.

Internal Revenue Service, U.S. Postal Service, Telephone Service, T.V. Service, Civil Service, City & County Public Service, Customer Service, and Service Stations

This is not what I thought service meant. But today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull to service a few cows. BAM!!! It all came into perspective. I now understand what all those service agencies are doing to us.

I hope you are as enlightened as I am.

Colored People

This was written by a black gentleman in Texas and is so funny. What a great sense of humor and creativity!!!


When I was born, I was BLACK
When I grew up, I was BLACK
When I went in the sun, I stayed BLACK
When I got cold, I was BLACK
When I was scared, I was BLACK
When I was sick, I was BLACK
And when I die, I'll still be BLACK.


NOW, You "white" folks....

When you're born, you're PINK
When you grow-up, you're WHITE
When you go in the sun, you get RED
When you're cold, you turn BLUE
When you're scared, you're YELLOW
When you get sick, you're GREEN
When you bruise, you turn PURPLE
And when you die, you look GRAY.





So who y'all callin'
C O L O R E D folks?

Sniffer

A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his black Labrador Retriever in the middle seat next to the man. The first man looked very quizzically at the dog and asked why the dog was allowed on the plane.

The second man explained that he was a DEA agent and that the dog was a 'sniffing dog'. 'His name is Sniffer and he's the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work.'

The plane took off , and once it has leveled out, the agent said, 'Watch this.' He told Sniffer to 'search.'

Sniffer jumped down, walked along the aisle, and finally sat very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds. Sniffer then returned to his seat and put one paw on the agent's arm.

The agent said, 'Good boy', and he turned to the man and said, 'That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land.'

'Say, that's pretty neat,' replied the first man.

Once again, the agent sent Sniffer to search the aisles. The lab sniffed about, sat down beside a man for a few seconds, returned to its seat, and this time he placed two paws on the agent's arm.

The agent said, 'That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a note of his seat number for the police.'

'I like it!' said his seat mate.

The agent then told Sniffer to 'search' again.

Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent, jumped into the middle seat and proceeded to poop all over the place.

The first man was really grossed out by this behavior and couldn't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like that , so he asked the agent, 'What's going on?'

The agent nervously replied, 'He just found a bomb.'

Reverse Graffiti

Seen in a Window

Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:

"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."

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In a Podiatrist's office:

"Time wounds all heels."

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On a Septic Tank Truck:

Yesterday's Meals on Wheels

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At a Proctologist's door:

"To expedite your visit please back in."

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On a Plumber's truck:

"We repair what your husband fixed."

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On another Plumber's truck:

"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."

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On a Church's Billboard:

"7 days without God makes one weak."

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At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee:

"Invite us to your next blowout."

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At a Towing company:

"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."

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On an Electrician's truck:

"Let us remove your shorts."

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In a Nonsmoking Area:

"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."

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On a Maternity Room door:

"Push. Push. Push."

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At an Optometrist's Office:

"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."

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On a Taxiderist's winow:

"We really know our stuff."

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On a Fence:

"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!"

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At a Car Dealership:

"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."

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Outside a Muffler Shop:

"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."

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In a Veterinarian's waiting room:

"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

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At the Electric Company

"We would be delighted, if you send in your payment. However, if you don't, you will be."

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In a Restaurant window:

"Don't stand there be hungry, Come on in and get fed up."

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At a Propane Filling Station:

"Thank heaven for little grills."

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At a Chicago Radiator Shop:

"Best place in town to take a leak."

The Middle Wife

by an Anonymous 2nd grade teacher

I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second grade classroom a few years back.

When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few sessions with my students. It helps them get over shyness and usually, show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it in to school and talk about it, they're welcome.

Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater.

She holds up a snapshot of an infant. 'This i s Luke, my baby brother, and I'm going to tell you about his birthday'

'First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put a seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord.'

She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying not to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids are watching her in amazement.

'Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts saying and going, 'Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh!' Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans. 'She walked around the house for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh, oh!' (Now this kid is doing a hysterical duck walk and groaning.)

'My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn't have a sign on the car like the Domino's man. They got my Mom to lie down in bed like this.' (Then Erica lies down with her back against the wall.)

'And then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water she kept in there in case he got thirs ty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew!' (This kid has her legs spread with her little hands miming water flowing away. It was too much!)

'Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push,' and 'breathe, breathe. They started counting, but never even got past ten. Then, all of a sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff that they all said it was from Mom's play-center, (placenta) so there must be a lot of toys inside there.'

Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat. I'm sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then, when it's show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in case another 'Middle Wife' comes along...

Flat Tire

A car gets a flat on the interstate one day.

The blonde driver eases it over onto the shoulder of the road, carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk.

She takes out two cardboard men unfolds them and stands them at the rear of the vehicle facing oncoming traffic.

The lifelike cardboard men are in trench coats exposing their nude bodies and private parts to approaching drivers.

Not surprisingly, the traffic becomes snarled and backed up.

It isn't very long before a police car arrives.

The officer, clearly enraged, approaches the blonde of the disabled vehicle yelling, 'What's going on here?'

'My car broke down, officer' says the woman calmly.

'Well, what the hell are these obscene cardboard pictures doing here by the road?' he asks.


'Helllooooooo!!!!' says the blonde.

'Those are my emergency flashers!'

Sean Connery: Celebrity Jeopardy

Onestone

There once was an Indian who had only one testicle, and whose given name was 'Onestone.'

He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.

After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said,

'If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!'

The word got around and nobody called him that any more.

Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, 'Good morning, Onestone.'

He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.

The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do.

Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away.

Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him and said, 'Good to see you, Onestone.'

Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day, made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die!

What is the moral of this story?

You can't kill two birds with one stone!