He's 80, she's 20. It was the stir of the town when an 80 year old man married a 20 year old girl.
After a year of marriage she went into the hospital to give birth. The nurse came out to congratulate the fellow saying: "This is amazing. How do you do it at your age?"
He answered, "You got to keep the old motor running."
The following year the young bride gave birth again. The same nurse said: "You're amazing. How do you do it?"
He again said: "You've got the keep the old motor running"
The same thing happened the next year. The nurse then said: "Well, well, well!!! You certainly are quite a man!"
He responded again, "You've got to keep that old motor running"
The nurse said: "Well, you better change the oil. This one's black."
Tuesday, January 09, 2007
Ice Cream
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"
"No," he replied, "Arthritis."
The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"
"No," he replied, "Arthritis."
Monday, January 08, 2007
QC
This is a comic strip that I love. This one was a particularly good strip with little plotline in it. You should go back to the beginning of the strip and read it all. There are about 800 strips right now, but it is soooo funny. It's worth the 8 hours it will take you.
Sunday, January 07, 2007
Duck You!
A big city lawyer from London went duck hunting in rural Scotland...
He soon shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the far side of a fence.
As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked the lawyer what he was doing.
The lawyer responded, "I shot a duck and it fell into this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."
The old farmer replied. "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."
The indignant lawyer replied, "I'm one of the best trial lawyers in the UK, and if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything that you own."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things here in Scotland. We settle small disagreements with the 'Scottish Three Kick Rule'."
"What is the Scottish Three Kick Rule?" asked the lawyer.
The farmer replied, "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth until someone gives up."
The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take on the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly got down from the tractor and walked up to the city fella. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's groin, which dropped him to his knees.
His second kick nearly ripped the nose off his face.
The lawyer was flat on his belly, when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly causing him to give up, but didn't.
The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, you old tosser, now it's my turn."
The old farmer smiled and said,
"Naw, I give up, You can fetch your duck!"
He soon shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the far side of a fence.
As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked the lawyer what he was doing.
The lawyer responded, "I shot a duck and it fell into this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."
The old farmer replied. "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."
The indignant lawyer replied, "I'm one of the best trial lawyers in the UK, and if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything that you own."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things here in Scotland. We settle small disagreements with the 'Scottish Three Kick Rule'."
"What is the Scottish Three Kick Rule?" asked the lawyer.
The farmer replied, "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth until someone gives up."
The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take on the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly got down from the tractor and walked up to the city fella. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's groin, which dropped him to his knees.
His second kick nearly ripped the nose off his face.
The lawyer was flat on his belly, when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly causing him to give up, but didn't.
The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, you old tosser, now it's my turn."
The old farmer smiled and said,
"Naw, I give up, You can fetch your duck!"
Hearing
A man feared his wife was not hearing as well as she used to, and he thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family doctor to discuss the problem.
The doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.
"Here's what you do," said the doctor " Stand about 40 feet away from her and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response."
That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den.
He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away. Let's see what happens."
In a normal tone he asks, "Honey, what's for dinner?"
No response.
So the husband moves to closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife, and repeats, "Honey, what's for dinner?"
Still no response.
Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, "Honey, what's for dinner?"
Again, no response..
So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. "Honey, what's for dinner?"
Again, there is no response.
So he walks right up behind her. "Honey, what's for dinner?"
"Earl, for the 5th time, CHICKEN!"
The doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.
"Here's what you do," said the doctor " Stand about 40 feet away from her and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response."
That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den.
He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away. Let's see what happens."
In a normal tone he asks, "Honey, what's for dinner?"
No response.
So the husband moves to closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife, and repeats, "Honey, what's for dinner?"
Still no response.
Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, "Honey, what's for dinner?"
Again, no response..
So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. "Honey, what's for dinner?"
Again, there is no response.
So he walks right up behind her. "Honey, what's for dinner?"
"Earl, for the 5th time, CHICKEN!"
Saturday, January 06, 2007
Milk
A little old lady from Kansas had worked in and around her family dairy farms since she was old enough to walk, with hours of hard work and little compensation.
When canned Carnation Milk became available in grocery stores in approximately the 1940's, she read an advertisement offering $5,000 for the best slogan. The producers wanted a rhyme beginning with "Carnation Milk is best of all...."
She thought to herself, I know all about milk and dairy farms... I can do this!
She sent in her entry, and about a week later, a black limo drove up in front of her house.. a man got out and said, "Carnation LOVED your entry so much, we are here to award you $1000, even though we will not be able to use it..."
When canned Carnation Milk became available in grocery stores in approximately the 1940's, she read an advertisement offering $5,000 for the best slogan. The producers wanted a rhyme beginning with "Carnation Milk is best of all...."
She thought to herself, I know all about milk and dairy farms... I can do this!
She sent in her entry, and about a week later, a black limo drove up in front of her house.. a man got out and said, "Carnation LOVED your entry so much, we are here to award you $1000, even though we will not be able to use it..."
Thursday, January 04, 2007
The Bank Account of Life
This is something we should all remember.
A 92-year-old, petite, well-poised and proud man, who is fully dressed each morning by eight o'clock, with his hair fashionably coiffed and shaved perfectly, even though he is legally blind, moved to a nursing home today. His wife of 70 years recently passed away, making the move necessary.
After many hours of waiting patiently in the lobby of the nursing home, he smiled sweetly when told his room was ready.
As he maneuvered his walker to the elevator, I provided a visual description of his tiny room, including the eyelet sheets that had been hung on his window.
"I love it," he stated with the enthusiasm of an eight-year-old having just been presented with a new puppy.
"Mr. Jones, you haven't seen the room; just wait."
"That doesn't have anything to do with it," he replied.
"Happiness is something you decide on ahead of time. Whether I like my room or not doesn't depend on how the furniture is arranged ... it's how I arrange my mind. I already decided to love it.
"It's a decision I make every morning when I wake up. I have a choice; I can spend the day in bed recounting the difficulty I have with the parts of my body that no longer work, or get out of bed and be thankful for the ones that do.
"Each day is a gift, and as long as my eyes open, I'll focus on the new day and all the happy memories I've stored away. Just for this time in my life.
"Old age is like a bank account. You withdraw from what you've put in.
"So, my advice to you would be to deposit a lot of happiness in the bank account of memories! Thank you for your part in filling my Memory bank. I am still depositing."
Remember the five simple rules to be happy:
1. Free your heart from hatred.
2. Free your mind from worries.
3. Live simply.
4. Give more.
5. Expect less.
A 92-year-old, petite, well-poised and proud man, who is fully dressed each morning by eight o'clock, with his hair fashionably coiffed and shaved perfectly, even though he is legally blind, moved to a nursing home today. His wife of 70 years recently passed away, making the move necessary.
After many hours of waiting patiently in the lobby of the nursing home, he smiled sweetly when told his room was ready.
As he maneuvered his walker to the elevator, I provided a visual description of his tiny room, including the eyelet sheets that had been hung on his window.
"I love it," he stated with the enthusiasm of an eight-year-old having just been presented with a new puppy.
"Mr. Jones, you haven't seen the room; just wait."
"That doesn't have anything to do with it," he replied.
"Happiness is something you decide on ahead of time. Whether I like my room or not doesn't depend on how the furniture is arranged ... it's how I arrange my mind. I already decided to love it.
"It's a decision I make every morning when I wake up. I have a choice; I can spend the day in bed recounting the difficulty I have with the parts of my body that no longer work, or get out of bed and be thankful for the ones that do.
"Each day is a gift, and as long as my eyes open, I'll focus on the new day and all the happy memories I've stored away. Just for this time in my life.
"Old age is like a bank account. You withdraw from what you've put in.
"So, my advice to you would be to deposit a lot of happiness in the bank account of memories! Thank you for your part in filling my Memory bank. I am still depositing."
Remember the five simple rules to be happy:
1. Free your heart from hatred.
2. Free your mind from worries.
3. Live simply.
4. Give more.
5. Expect less.
Monday, January 01, 2007
Monday, December 18, 2006
Crisco
An old lady is walking around in a supermarket calling out, "Crisco, Crisssssssco!"
Soon a store clerk approaches and says, "Lady, the Crisco is in aisle D."
The old lady replies, "Oh, I'm not looking for the cooking stuff. I'm calling my husband."
The clerk is astonished. "Your husband's name is Crisco?"
The old lady answers, "Oh no, no, no. I only call him that when we're out in public."
"I see," said the clerk. "What do you call him at home?"
The old lady replies, "Lard ass."
Soon a store clerk approaches and says, "Lady, the Crisco is in aisle D."
The old lady replies, "Oh, I'm not looking for the cooking stuff. I'm calling my husband."
The clerk is astonished. "Your husband's name is Crisco?"
The old lady answers, "Oh no, no, no. I only call him that when we're out in public."
"I see," said the clerk. "What do you call him at home?"
The old lady replies, "Lard ass."
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