Roll Your Own

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles.

The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.

She points him to the correct aisle.

A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.

She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?"

He answers, "You see, it's like this: yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers, cause it's soooooooo much cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my own, so does she."

The Tomato Garden

An old Italian man lived alone in the country. He wanted to dig his tomato garden but it was very hard work as the ground was very hard. His only son, Vincenzo, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vincenzo,
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I am getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the garden for me.
Love Papa.

A few days later he received a letter from his son:

Dear Papa,
Not for nothing, but please, do not dig up that garden. That's where I buried the bodies.
Love Vinnie

At 4 am the next morning, FBI and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. The same day the old man received another letter from his son:

Dear Papa,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love, Vinnie

Suspicious Activity

A couple lived near the ocean and used to walk the beach a lot.

One summer they noticed a girl who was at the beach pretty much every day. She wasn't unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing; she would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around furtively, then speak to them.

Generally the people would respond negatively and she would wander off, but occasionally someone would nod and there would be a quick exchange of money for something she carried in her bag.

The couple assumed she was selling drugs, and debated calling the cops, but since they didn't know for sure they just continued to watch her.

After a couple of weeks the wife said, "Honey, have you ever noticed that she only approaches people with boom boxes and other electronic devices?"

He hadn't, and said so.

Then she said, "Tomorrow I want you to get a towel and our big radio and go lie out on the beach. Then we can find out what she's really doing."

Well, the plan went off without a hitch and the wife was almost hopping up and down with anticipation when she saw the girl talk to her husband and then leave.

The man walked up the beach and met his wife at the road.

"Well, Is she selling drugs?" she asked excitedly in a hushed voice.

"No, she's not," he said, enjoying this probably more than he should have.

"Well, What is it, then? What does she do?" his wife fairly shrieked.

The man grinned and said, "She sells batteries."

"Batteries?!" cried the wife with astonishment.

"Yes,....." he replied calmly.

"She sells C cells by the seashore."

Southern Observations

If you are going to live or visit in the South, you need to know these
rules:

1. That farm boy you see at the gas station did more work before breakfast than you do all week at the gym.
2. It's called a "gravel road." No matter how slow you drive, you're going to get dust on your Navigator. Drive it or get out of the way.
3. The red dirt -- it's called clay. Red clay. If you like the color don't wash your car for a couple weeks -- it'll be permanent.
4. We all started hunting and fishing when we were seven years old. Yeah, we saw Bambi. We got over it.
5. Go ahead and bring your $600 Orvis Fly Rod. Don't cry to us if a flathead breaks it off at the handle. We have a name for those little 13-inch trout you fish for -- bait.
6. Pull your pants up. You look like an idiot.
7. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of mallards are making their final approach, we will shoot it. You might want to ensure it's not up to your ear at the time.
8. No, there's no "Vegetarian Special" on the menu. Order steak. Order it rare. Or, you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the two pounds of ham and turkey.
9. Tea - yeah, we have tea. It comes in a glass over ice and is sweet. You want it hot -- sit it in the sun. You want it unsweetened -- add a lot of water.
10. You bring Coke into my house, it better be brown, wet, and served over ice.
11. So you have a sixty thousand-dollar car. We're real impressed. We have a quarter of a million-dollar combine that we only use two weeks a year.
12. Let's get this straight. We have one stoplight in town. We stop when it's red. We may even stop when it's yellow.
13. We don't do "hurry up" well.
14. Greens - yeah, we have greens, but you don't putt on them. You boil them with salty fatback, bacon or a ham hock.
15. Yeah, we eat catfish, bass, bream (pronounced brim) and carp. You really want sushi and caviar? It's available at the bait shop.
16. They are pigs. That's what they smell like. Get over it. Don't like it? Interstate 85 goes two ways - Interstate 40 goes the other two. Pick
    one.
17. Grits are corn. You put butter, salt, and maybe even some pepper on them. If you want to put milk and sugar on them, then you want Cream of Wheat - go to Kansas. That would be I-40 west.
18. The "Opener" refers to the first day of deer season or dove season. Both are holidays. You can get pancakes, cane syrup, and sausage before daylight at the church on either day.
19. So every person in every pickup waves? Yeah, it's called being friendly. Understand the concept?
20. Yeah, we have golf courses. Don't hit in the water hazards. It spooks the fish and bothers the gators - and if you hit it in the rough, we have these things called diamondbacks, and they're not baseball players.
21. That Highway Patrol Officer that just pulled you over for driving like an idiot -- his name is "Sir," no matter how young he is.
22. We have lots of pine trees. They have sap. It drips from them. You park your Navigator under them, and they'll leave a logo on your hood.
23. You burn an American flag in our state, you get beat up. No questions. The liberal contingent of our state legislature -- all four of them -- enacted a measure to stop this. There is now a $2.50 fine for beating up the flag burner.
24. No, we don't care how you do things up North. If it is so great up there, why not visit a Northern state or stay there? And no, down here, we don't have an accent, you do.

Triplets

A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when a masked robber ran out of a bank and shot her three times in the stomach.

Luckily the babies were OK. The surgeon decided to leave the bullets in because it was too risky to operate. She gave birth to two healthy daughters and a healthy son.

All was fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walked into the room in tears. "What's wrong?" asked the mother. "I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out," replied the daughter. The mother told her it was okay and explained what happened 16 years ago.

About a week later the second daughter walked into the room in tears. "Mom, I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out." Again the mother told her not to worry and explained what happened 16 years ago.

A week later her son walked into the room in tears. "It's okay" said the Mom, "I know what happened. You were taking a tinkle and a bullet came out."

"No," said the boy, "I was playing with myself and I shot the dog."

Ponderisms

• I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
• Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
• The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
• Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
• There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.
• Life is sexually transmitted.
• Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
• The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
• Some people are like Slinkies--not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.
• Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
• Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days, no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?
• Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
• All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
• In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
• Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.
• How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
• Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
• If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
• Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?
• Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
• If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
• If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
• If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
• Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
• Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
• Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
• Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?
• Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

Catholic Vacation

Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation. They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy.

As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc. The next morning they went to the beach dressed in their "tourist" garb.

They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a "drop dead gorgeous" topless blonde in a thong bikini came walking straight towards them.

They couldn't help but stare.

As the blonde passed them she smiled and said, "Good Morning, Father. Good Morning, Father," nodding and addressing each of them individually, then she passed on by.

They were both stunned.

How in the world did she know they were priests?

So the next day, they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits. These were so loud you could hear them before you even saw them!

Once again, in their new attire, they settled on the beach in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine.

After a while, the same gorgeous topless blonde, wearing a different colored thong, taking her sweet time, came walking toward them.

Again she nodded at each of them, said, "Good morning, Father. Good Morning, Father," and started to walk away.

One of the priests couldn't stand it any longer and said, "Just a minute, young lady."

"Yes, Father?"

"We are priests and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world do you know we are priests, dressed as we are?"

She replied, "Father, it's me, Sister Mary Katherine."

2nd Opinion

Bubba went to a psychiatrist. "I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy."

"Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the shrink.

"Come talk to me three times a week, and we should be able to get rid of those fears."

"How much do you charge?"

"Eighty dollars per visit, replied the doctor."

"I'll sleep on it," said Bubba.

Six months later the doctor met Bubba on the street. "Why didn't you ever come to see about those fears you were having?" asked the psychiatrist.

"Well, eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money I went and bought me a new pickup!"

"Is that so! And how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?"

"He told me to cut the legs off the bed! - Ain't nobody under there now!!!"

Baseball

A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work. Unknown to her, her 9-year-old son was hiding in the closet.

Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet.

The boy now has company.

Boy: "Dark in here."

Man: "Yes it is."

Boy: "I have a baseball."

Man: "That's nice."

Boy: "Want to buy it?"

Man: "No, thanks."

Boy: "My dad's outside."

Man: "OK, how much?"

Boy: "$250."

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover are again in the closet together.

Boy: "Dark in here."

Man: "Yes, it is."

Boy: "I have a baseball glove."

Man: "How much?"

Boy: "$750."

Man: "Fine."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball."

The boy says, "I can't. I sold them."

The father asks: "How much did you sell them for?"

The son says, "$1,000."

The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."

They go to church and the father alerts the priest, and makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and closes the door.

The boy says, "Dark in here."

The priest says, "Don't start that shit again."

Popsicles & Sex

The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon "quickie" with their 8-year old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities.

He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation: There's a car being towed from the parking lot", he shouted.

"An ambulance just drove by" " Looks like the Anderson 's have company", he called out.

"Matt's riding a new bike"...."Looks like the Sanders are moving" ..."Jason is on his skate board...."

After a few moments he announced, "The Coopers are having sex!!"

Startled, his mother and dad shot up in bed! Dad cautiously called out, "How do you know they are having sex?"

"Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a popsicle."