A Christmas Story

December 13

Dear Love,

How sweet of you to send the partridge! What a darling you are. I love you, my precious one. And the pear tree-how thoughtful!

Love,
Karen

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December 14

Dear Tommy,

Those two turtle doves are absolutely the sweetest little birds I have ever seen! Cooing in their golden cage, they're a perfect complement to the partridge. You're a darling, sweet man.

Love,
Karen

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December 15

Dearest Tom,

You really were sweet to send me still another gift, and you are such a kidder. Three more birds! Who else would have thought to send someone three French hens to go with her two turtle doves and a partridge. They will be a bit of trouble to clean up after, but since they're from you, I guess they're worth it.

Love,
Karen

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December 16

Dear Tom,

What a sense of humor, ha, ha! Four calling birds, giving me a total of ten birds in a studio apartment here I wasn't supposed to have pets at all.

The racket really is too much. They don't call them “calling birds” for nothing, you know. They set off the French hens, and now the turtle doves are cooing round the clock. The partridge looks sick. Thanks again, I guess.

Love,
Karen

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December 17

Dearest Tommy,

Now I see what all this has been leading up to: five golden rings! I had no idea you cared so much and I am overwhelmed by your lovely gift. I hardly care about the feathers and the seeds on my carpet or the mess the French hens are making. Naturally you won't want to send me any more gifts. But I shall always treasure your thoughtfulness and your love in giving me the rings.

All my love,
Karen

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December 18

Dear Tom,

Not funny, Tom. Your six geese a-laying have nearly ruined my bathroom, and don't even eat the eggs. Now that you've had your little joke, I hope you'll come and take them off my hands before the neighbors complain.

Love,
Karen

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December 19

Tom,

Come and get these seven swans out of my bathtub or we're finished. It was bad enough to have 16 birds in the apartment, but the swans are splashing water all over the bathroom and it's turning the goose dung into a stinking lake. The carpet is badly stained. I can't call Animal Control because I'm embarrassed about the mess. Get over here and help me out of this immediately.

Karen

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December 20

Thomas,

I can hardly write this because of the uproar from your eight maids milking and their damn cows. All your lovely birds are covered with cow crap. The maids are quarreling among themselves and I barely have enough money to buy hay. I don't know where you got these women, but if they aren't gone by tomorrow, I'm calling the police. I'd be evicted if my landlord weren't out of town.

What are you trying to prove anyway?

Karen

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December 21

Tom, you bastard, Nine ladies dancing would be bad enough, but these so-called ladies are STRANGE. When they're not dancing and breaking things, they're fighting with the milkmaids, putting on airs, and eating everything in the place. You can call it dancing if you want, but they'd get arrested in most nightclubs. It's disgusting. Three of them have been hurt slipping in the cow dung and one of them is chasing the French hens with a hatchet. I can't stand it another day; the chaos is driving me crazy.

Karen

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December 22

You son of a bitch,

You've gone too far. Ten lords a-leaping are now jumping all over the milkmaids. Two of the milkmaids have locked themselves in the bathroom in spite of the geese and swans and the racket and their slimy droppings. Have you ever seen lords a-leaping? They're gross! If you have any heart at all, you'll get the perverted bastards out of here. The partridge, I might add, is dead. I've lost the damned rings in the muck. I called the police but they laughed at me. I don't know where to turn.

You know who!

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December 23

Mr. Thomas Furley:

I suppose you'll be happy to know that eleven pipers piped their way into my apartment today and all hell broke loose. The noise stampeded the cows. They ran into the parking lot, injuring several neighbors who had come out to see what the noise was all about. Bird crap and bath water finally broke through the floor of the apartment and flooded the apartment downstairs. An Animal Control officer went after the cows but accidentally shot a leaping lord with his tranquilizer gun. One of the dancing ladies thinks she is pregnant. The milkmaids have taken over. One of them runs naked through the apartment complex. The geese and swans are in the swimming pool and the boys are throwing rocks at them. I was attacked by a leaping lord. The calling birds have pulled out most of my hair for nests, which they are building in the chandelier. I am so upset that I strangled the turtle doves. They were sweet, but I just couldn't take any more! The stench is unbearable. The air is filled with feathers. The pipers won't stop piping. All is lost, LOST, LOST!

Your avowed enemy, Karen

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December 24

Mr. Furley:

I am writing this on behalf of my client, Miss Karen Gudge, who is now under psychiatric care at Sunny Hills Hospital. Apparently your gift of twelve drummers drumming proved to be more than she could bear. A suit has been filed charging you with $400,000 in damages to an apartment complex and 37 persons, including an Animal Control officer who alleges that six vicious geese have deprived him of his virility.

Joseph Monk, Attorney at Law

P.S. Have a Merry Christmas!