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A Few Blonde Jokes

LOGIC
Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking....... and one blonde says to the other, "Which do you think is farther away...Florida or the moon?"

The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida..?????"

CAR TROUBLE
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died... After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.

She says, "What's the story?"

He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor"

She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"

SPEEDING TICKET
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.

She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday, you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!!!"

BLONDE ON THE SUN
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, "We were the first in space!"

The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"

The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!"

The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads.

"You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian.

To which the Blonde replied, "Duh, we're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!!!"

IN A VACUUM
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature.

Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"

She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off???"

Customer Service

An award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in Denver for being smart and funny, while making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.

A crowded United Airlines flight was canceled. A single agent was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS."

The agent replied, "I am sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but, I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out."

The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"

Without hesitating, the agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone, "May I have your attention please, " she began, her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Gate 14."

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore "F*** You!"

Without flinching, she smiled and said, “I'm sorry sir, you'll have to get in line for that too.”

The Captain as Seen by...

The Lutheran

Eino, a Finlander from Cook County in northern Minnesota - was an older, single gentleman who was born and raised a Lutheran. Each Friday night after work, he would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a venison steak.

Now, all of Eino's neighbors were Catholic.....and since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat on Fridays. The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest.

The priest came to visit Eino, and suggested that Eino convert to Catholicism. After several classes and much study, Eino attended Mass.....and as the priest sprinkled holy water over Eino, he said, "You were born a Lutheran and raised a Lutheran, but now you are Catholic."

Eino's neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived, and the wonderful aroma of grilled venison filled the neighborhood.

The priest was called immediately by the neighbors and, as he rushed into Eino's yard, clutching a rosary and prepared to scold Eino, he stopped in amazement and watched......

There stood Eino, clutching a small bottle of water which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat, and chanted: "You were born a deer, and raised a deer, but now you are a walleye."

Not His Day

While walking through the Northern California woods, a man came up to another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the tree. Seeing this he inquired, "Just out of curiosity, what the heck are you doing?"

"I'm listening to the music of the tree," the tree hugger replied.

"You gotta be kiddin' me" the walker said.

"Oh no", says the hugger, "would you like to give it a try?"

Understandably curious, the walker says, "Well, OK..." So he wrapped his arms around the tree and pressed his ear up against it.

With this the other guy slapped a pair of handcuffs on him, took his wallet, jewelry, car keys,and then stripped him naked and left.

Two hours later another nature lover strolled by, saw this guy handcuffed to the tree stark naked, and asked, "What the hell happened to you?"

He tells the guy the whole story about how he got there. When he finished telling his story, the other guy shook his head in sympathy, walked around behind him, kissed him behind the ear and said, "This just ain't gonna be your day, pal."

The Pearly Gates

A preacher dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket and jeans. Saint Peter addresses this cool guy, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?"

The guy replies, "I'm Peter the Pilot, retired Delta Airlines Pilot from Miami."

Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the pilot, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom."

The pilot goes into Heaven with his robe and staff.

Next it's the preacher's turn. He stands erect and booms out, "I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary's in Pasadena for the last 43 years."

Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the preacher, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom."

"Just a minute," says the preacher. "that man was a pilot and he gets a silken robe and golden staff, and I get only cotton and wood? How can this be?"

"Up here, we work by results," says Saint Peter, "while you preached, people slept. While he flew, people prayed."

A Couple of Aviation Stories

One evening at happy hour at the Ft. Riley officer's club, a buddy of mine who was an Army pilot told me a hilarious story. He said they'd been sent to Kansas City International Airport to pick up some people. When they got near, they radioed the tower for instruction.

Army xxx, flight of three, requesting landing instructions for the private terminal. The tower radioed back that they were number three to land following two commercial flights. A moment later the tower radioed again, voice rising in near panic, Army xxx, we show you with ZERO ground speed! Are you declaring an emergency?

He calmly replied, No, we're hovering over the outer marker waiting for clearance. We're a helicopter; we can do that you know.

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A United Airlines 747 captain tries to make light banter with Sydney, Australia, Approach Control

Captain: "Good morning, Sydney, this is United XXX, we're 50 miles out and have your island in sight "

Approach: "Roger, United you're cleared to circle the island twice, then it's okay to land."

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Air Traffic Control: Piper N4444D, traffic at your 2o'clock, 500 ft below you.

Piper N4444D: Well, we see a light coming towards us...

Air Traffic Control: Look again N4444D there's probably a plane behind that light.

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Ground Control: "123DG, bear to the left, disabled aircraft on the right."

Pilot: "123DG, Roger, I have the disabled aircraft in sight, but I don't see the bear yet."

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While doing some work, heard the following exchange on Kennedy Tower frequency:

Twr: Cactus 51, turn right zulu and golf, hold behind the plane that's stopped to recycle.

Cactus 51: Cactus 51 we'll make the right zulu and golf, behind the recycled airplane ... whatever that means.

Trw: C'mon Cactus, you guys should know what that means, you fly Airbus' -- it's when the screens go blank and you have to restart them all.

Cactus 51: Oh, yeah, we know about that. We just thought it was 'cause we were out of quarters.

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Overheard at my local airport this Superbowl weekend...

N465: Ground, N465 at Pacific Aviation, VFR to the west with Victor, ready for taxi, we're going to need a progressive, please.

Ground: N465, roger. Alpha three, right Bravo, hold short 27 Right.

[short pause]

Unknown: Hike!

Aviation Axioms

1. No matter what else happens, fly the airplane. Forget all that stuff about thrust and drag, lift and gravity; an airplane flies because of money.
2. It's better to be down here wishing you were up there, than up there wishing you were down here.
3. If you're ever faced with a forced landing at night, turn on the landing lights to see the landing area. If you don't like what you see, turn 'em back off.
4. A check ride ought to be like a skirt, short enough to be interesting but still be long enough to cover everything.
5. Speed is life - altitude is life insurance. No one has ever collided with the sky!
6. Always remember you fly an airplane with your head, not your hands.
7. Never let an airplane take you somewhere your brain didn't get to five minutes earlier.
8. "Unskilled" pilots are always found in the wreckage with their hand around the microphone.
9. If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger; if you pull the stick back, they get smaller. (Unless you keep pulling the stick back-then they get bigger again.)
10. Hovering is for pilots who love to fly but have no place to go.
11. The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.
12. Flying is the second greatest thrill known to man. Landing is the first!
13. Everyone already knows the definition of a 'good' landing is one from which you can walk away. But very few know the definition of a 'great' landing. It's one after which you can use the airplane another time.
14. The probability of survival is equal to the angle of arrival.
15. IFR: I Follow Roads.
16. You know you've landed with the wheels up when it takes full power to taxi.
17. Those who hoot with the owls by night should not fly with the eagles by day.
18. A helicopter is a collection of rotating parts going round and round and reciprocating parts going up and down -- all of them trying to become random in motion.
19. Helicopters can't really fly -- they're just so ugly that the earth immediately repels them.
20. Pilots believe in clean living. They never drink whiskey from a dirty glass.
21. Things that do you no good in aviation: Altitude above you; runway behind you; fuel in the truck; half a second ago; approach plates in the car; the airspeed you don't have.
22. If God meant man to fly, He'd have given him more money.
23. Flying is not dangerous; crashing is dangerous.
24. A good simulator check ride is like successful surgery on a corpse.
25. Asking what a pilot thinks about the FAA is like asking a tree what it thinks about dogs.
26. Trust your captain but keep your seat belt securely fastened.
27. An airplane may disappoint a good pilot, but it won't surprise him.
28. Any pilot who relies on a terminal forecast can be sold the Brooklyn Bridge. If he relies on winds-aloft reports he can be sold Niagara Falls.
29. The friendliest flight attendants are those on the trip home.
30. Good judgment comes from experience and experience comes from bad judgment.
31. Being an airline pilot would be great if you didn't have to go on all those trips.
32. Aviation is not so much a profession as it is a disease.
33. The nicer an airplane looks, the better it flies.
34. There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing. Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.
35. It's a good landing if you can still get the doors open.
36. Passengers prefer old captains and young flight attendants.
37. The only thing worse than a captain who never flew as copilot is a copilot who once was a captain.
38. It's best to keep the pointed end going forward as much as possible.
39. If an earthquake suddenly opened a fissure in a runway that caused an accident, the FAA would find a way to blame it on pilot error.
40. Any attempt to stretch fuel is guaranteed to increase headwind.
41. A thunderstorm is never as bad on the inside as it appears on the outside. It's worse.
42. It's easy to make a small fortune in aviation. You start with a large fortune.
43. A male pilot is a confused soul who talks about women when he's flying, and about flying when he's with a woman.
44. A fool and his money are soon flying more airplane than he can handle.
45. The last thing every pilot does before leaving the aircraft after making a gear up landing is to put the gear selection lever in the 'down' position.
46. Try to keep the number of your landings equal to the number of your takeoffs.
47. Takeoffs are optional. Landings are mandatory.
48. You cannot propel yourself forward by patting yourself on the back.
49. The difference between a fighter pilot & a pig? A pig doesn't sit at a bar until 0300 waiting to pick up a fighter pilot.

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