Ruminations Video

Foster Brooks

Flying Blind

A man was on a flight from Seattle to San Francisco.

Unexpectedly, the plane was diverted to Sacramento along the way. The flight attendant explained that there would be a delay, and if the passengers wanted to get off the aircraft the plane would re-board in 50 minutes.

Everybody got off the plane except one lady who was blind. The man had noticed her as he walked by and could tell the lady was blind because her Seeing Eye dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of her throughout the entire flight.

He could also tell she had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached her, and calling her by name, said, "Kathy, we are in Sacramento for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?" The blind lady replied, "No thanks, but maybe my dog would like to stretch his legs."

Picture this: All the people in the gate area came to a complete standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with a Seeing Eye dog! The pilot was even wearing sunglasses. People scattered. They not only tried to change planes, but they were trying to change airlines!

Urban Takeoff

This dummy ran out of fuel, landed on the street, refueled and attempted to takeoff. Check out his right wing tip.

F-8 Adventure

This was in a forward that I received from my dad. I didn't edit it at all except to clean up the formatting, so it's all the words of the guy who wrote it. I changed how he signed it at the bottom, so it's his full name, rather than just "Crash." You can still get the funny even though there's quite a few technical terms... For Pictures & info about the Crusader: Click.

Tom,

You've stirred up a lot of new twists in the F8 spin lore.

I remember the incident that Dave Winiker tells about in VF 154 with some slight adjustments.

It was fall of 1957 and I'm virtually certain that the Nurse was an AJ "Savage" - my impression is that, if that thing ever got up over 160 knots or so the wings would flap and it would lay an egg. I think I even have an inflight snapshot of a nose up / wing down Crusader desperately trying to get a sip while sloshing around back there in the propwash and exhaust fumes.

As I recall, we tried this a couple of times, gave it up as a really really bad deal, and never saw a tanker again – much less a Savage – on the '58 deployment. It made for some thirsty times.

So here's my add to Dwinky's tale

The protagonist is young Ensign Saintly, a baby faced, chubby, late replacement chump who has been thrown into an F8 for a couple of fam hops and now that he's fully up to speed he's going out to try a bit of inflight refueling - which of course nobody in Wespac has ever done before – but it makes no never mind to young Saintly that he's about the third person in US history to try this stunt – he doesn't know dick anyway.

Saintly goes out, gets behind the Savage, stalls out, gets into a flat spin maybe even inverted and wisely decides to part company with his balky steed.

This all works out fine (except for the brand new gator) and Saintly lands somewhere in the California coastal wilds, drags his chute around for a while, finds Hwy 1 and ends up in a phone booth calling 154 – collect.

Meanwhile I'm back in the 154 ready room in Hangar 1 at Moffett. I'm briefing for some heavy acey-deucy ops when the Duty Officer's phone rings and, after his crisp greeting, he looks around like he saw a ghost and goes into a mumbling huddle with the phone up real close and personal. I figure something really awful has happened like his wife has finally met his girlfriend or something terrible like that.

About that point, Skipper, Francis Xavier "Mad Monk" Timmes steams into view reading some stuff on a clipboard, growling & obviously on his way to gnaw on somebody's nether parts. I deftly ease away from the card table and hide behind the coffee maker – from which vantage point I watch the gruesome details unfold.

Timmes is pretty focused on the forthcoming evisceration but he spots the ashen face on the duty officer, his low quavering voice, the shaking phone hand – FX smells blood – the old man is uncanny he's just got this atavistic sixth sense that alerts him when a pooch has been screwed anywhere in within 6 counties.

In short it goes something like this:

FX to Duty Officer: "What's up mister?" (bad choice of verbiage.)

DO jumping to his feet & at rigid attention: "UH-um-uh ... it's Mr. Saintly on the phone..."

There's a beat while Timmes refocuses and glances instinctively up at the flight schedule.

FX: "No it's not Saintly – he's flying!"

DO: "But..."

FX: "GIMME that phone."

DO slithers over and joins me behind the coffee machine.

FX: "WHO IS THIS?"

Saintly: "It's me – Ensign Saintly sir..."

FX: "No it's NOT – Saintly is flying! -- is this a JOKE?"

Saintly: "No sir, it's me sir and I'm out here in a phone booth at Half Moon Bay sir – and I had to eject sir – and I need a ride back sir."
..................

Well, it's like Joseph said to Mary "You're WHAT?" – That one gets FX, I think for the first time in his life he's completely non-plussed.

But not for long – he realizes with horror that this jerk Saintly has just lost one of his beautiful brand new Crusaders. And FX has ridden a DC desk long enough to know that folks back in old foggy are going to be flappin' about this and he's gonna have some 'splainin to do.

.....................

FX: "Mr. Saintly, where did you say you were?"

Saintly: "I'm not really sure sir but I think I'm maybe near ... Pescadero or somewhere ... and I'm really sorry about calling collect but don't have any money... an-and...could you maybe send the pick-up out to get me...?"

FX: "Take a hike son – but be in my office at 0800 tomorrow."

I don't know how this all ended up because I never saw Saintly again after that - he's probably still out there.

--John "Crash" Miottel

Lion Tamer

A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two people show up.

One is an old retired Navy Chief in his mid-sixties and the other is a beautiful blonde in her mid-twenties.

The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you guys better be good or you're history.

Here's your equipment -- chair, whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"

The girl says, "I'll go first." She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage.

The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. About half way there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body. The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles. He continues to lick and kiss her entire body for several minutes and then rests his head at her feet.

The circus owner's mouth is on the floor. He says, "I've never seen a display like that in my life."

He then turns to the retired Navy Chief and asks, "Can you top that?"

The tough old Chief replies, "No problem, just get that lion out of the way."

Abe & Esther

Abe and Esther are flying to Australia for a two-week vacation to celebrate their 40th anniversary.

Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain announces,"Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt an emergency landing. Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able to land on the beach. However, the odds are that we may never be rescued and will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives!"

Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island.

An hour later Abe turns to his wife and asks, "Esther, did we pay our $5,000 PBS pledge check yet?"

"No, sweetheart," she responds.

Abe, still shaken from the crash landing, then asks, "Esther, did we pay our American Express card yet?"

"Oh, no! I'm sorry. I forgot to send the check," she says.

"One last thing, Esther. Did you remember to send checks for the Visa and MasterCard this month?", he asks.

"Oy, forgive me, Abie," begged Esther. "I didn't send that one, either."

Abe grabs her and gives her the biggest kiss in 40 years.

Esther pulls away and asks him, "So, why did you kiss me?"

Abe answers, "They'll find us!"

Navy Radio Spot

It's sound only, no video...

Trip to Japan

Fear of Flying?

This story is from one of the " lucky " passengers on board a Northwest Airlines flight to Boston during hurricane "Bob".

The captain did his best to skirt the edge of the storm, but it was a pretty rough ride just the same. Rough enough that the flight attendants were ordered to strap themselves Into their seats for about half an hour, and many of the passengers were putting the little plastic-lined bags in their seat pockets to good use.

When the turbulence finally abated, the flight attendant un-buckled themselves, and the captains voice came on the intercom. "Well, folks, that was quite some ride, wasn't it"? But we came through it fine, just the way we always do, and I'm happy to report that it looks like the remainder of our trip should be much calmer. On behalf of myself and today's flight crew, I'd like to thank you very much for your calmness and cooperation, and extend our best wishes for a pleasant stay in Boston. After a short pause and several clicks the passengers heard.....

"What a fuckin' nightmare ride!. Man, I sure could use a cup of strong coffee and a good blow job right about now. I think I earned it."

As a stricken stewardess dashed up the aisle to the cabin (to inform the captain that his intercom was still on), one of the passengers called after her, "Don't forget the coffee!"

The Captain as Seen by...

The Pearly Gates

A preacher dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket and jeans. Saint Peter addresses this cool guy, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?"

The guy replies, "I'm Peter the Pilot, retired Delta Airlines Pilot from Miami."

Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the pilot, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom."

The pilot goes into Heaven with his robe and staff.

Next it's the preacher's turn. He stands erect and booms out, "I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary's in Pasadena for the last 43 years."

Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the preacher, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom."

"Just a minute," says the preacher. "that man was a pilot and he gets a silken robe and golden staff, and I get only cotton and wood? How can this be?"

"Up here, we work by results," says Saint Peter, "while you preached, people slept. While he flew, people prayed."

A Couple of Aviation Stories

One evening at happy hour at the Ft. Riley officer's club, a buddy of mine who was an Army pilot told me a hilarious story. He said they'd been sent to Kansas City International Airport to pick up some people. When they got near, they radioed the tower for instruction.

Army xxx, flight of three, requesting landing instructions for the private terminal. The tower radioed back that they were number three to land following two commercial flights. A moment later the tower radioed again, voice rising in near panic, Army xxx, we show you with ZERO ground speed! Are you declaring an emergency?

He calmly replied, No, we're hovering over the outer marker waiting for clearance. We're a helicopter; we can do that you know.

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A United Airlines 747 captain tries to make light banter with Sydney, Australia, Approach Control

Captain: "Good morning, Sydney, this is United XXX, we're 50 miles out and have your island in sight "

Approach: "Roger, United you're cleared to circle the island twice, then it's okay to land."

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Air Traffic Control: Piper N4444D, traffic at your 2o'clock, 500 ft below you.

Piper N4444D: Well, we see a light coming towards us...

Air Traffic Control: Look again N4444D there's probably a plane behind that light.

_____________________________________________________

Ground Control: "123DG, bear to the left, disabled aircraft on the right."

Pilot: "123DG, Roger, I have the disabled aircraft in sight, but I don't see the bear yet."

_____________________________________________________

While doing some work, heard the following exchange on Kennedy Tower frequency:

Twr: Cactus 51, turn right zulu and golf, hold behind the plane that's stopped to recycle.

Cactus 51: Cactus 51 we'll make the right zulu and golf, behind the recycled airplane ... whatever that means.

Trw: C'mon Cactus, you guys should know what that means, you fly Airbus' -- it's when the screens go blank and you have to restart them all.

Cactus 51: Oh, yeah, we know about that. We just thought it was 'cause we were out of quarters.

_____________________________________________________

Overheard at my local airport this Superbowl weekend...

N465: Ground, N465 at Pacific Aviation, VFR to the west with Victor, ready for taxi, we're going to need a progressive, please.

Ground: N465, roger. Alpha three, right Bravo, hold short 27 Right.

[short pause]

Unknown: Hike!

Aviation Axioms

1. No matter what else happens, fly the airplane. Forget all that stuff about thrust and drag, lift and gravity; an airplane flies because of money.
2. It's better to be down here wishing you were up there, than up there wishing you were down here.
3. If you're ever faced with a forced landing at night, turn on the landing lights to see the landing area. If you don't like what you see, turn 'em back off.
4. A check ride ought to be like a skirt, short enough to be interesting but still be long enough to cover everything.
5. Speed is life - altitude is life insurance. No one has ever collided with the sky!
6. Always remember you fly an airplane with your head, not your hands.
7. Never let an airplane take you somewhere your brain didn't get to five minutes earlier.
8. "Unskilled" pilots are always found in the wreckage with their hand around the microphone.
9. If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger; if you pull the stick back, they get smaller. (Unless you keep pulling the stick back-then they get bigger again.)
10. Hovering is for pilots who love to fly but have no place to go.
11. The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.
12. Flying is the second greatest thrill known to man. Landing is the first!
13. Everyone already knows the definition of a 'good' landing is one from which you can walk away. But very few know the definition of a 'great' landing. It's one after which you can use the airplane another time.
14. The probability of survival is equal to the angle of arrival.
15. IFR: I Follow Roads.
16. You know you've landed with the wheels up when it takes full power to taxi.
17. Those who hoot with the owls by night should not fly with the eagles by day.
18. A helicopter is a collection of rotating parts going round and round and reciprocating parts going up and down -- all of them trying to become random in motion.
19. Helicopters can't really fly -- they're just so ugly that the earth immediately repels them.
20. Pilots believe in clean living. They never drink whiskey from a dirty glass.
21. Things that do you no good in aviation: Altitude above you; runway behind you; fuel in the truck; half a second ago; approach plates in the car; the airspeed you don't have.
22. If God meant man to fly, He'd have given him more money.
23. Flying is not dangerous; crashing is dangerous.
24. A good simulator check ride is like successful surgery on a corpse.
25. Asking what a pilot thinks about the FAA is like asking a tree what it thinks about dogs.
26. Trust your captain but keep your seat belt securely fastened.
27. An airplane may disappoint a good pilot, but it won't surprise him.
28. Any pilot who relies on a terminal forecast can be sold the Brooklyn Bridge. If he relies on winds-aloft reports he can be sold Niagara Falls.
29. The friendliest flight attendants are those on the trip home.
30. Good judgment comes from experience and experience comes from bad judgment.
31. Being an airline pilot would be great if you didn't have to go on all those trips.
32. Aviation is not so much a profession as it is a disease.
33. The nicer an airplane looks, the better it flies.
34. There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing. Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.
35. It's a good landing if you can still get the doors open.
36. Passengers prefer old captains and young flight attendants.
37. The only thing worse than a captain who never flew as copilot is a copilot who once was a captain.
38. It's best to keep the pointed end going forward as much as possible.
39. If an earthquake suddenly opened a fissure in a runway that caused an accident, the FAA would find a way to blame it on pilot error.
40. Any attempt to stretch fuel is guaranteed to increase headwind.
41. A thunderstorm is never as bad on the inside as it appears on the outside. It's worse.
42. It's easy to make a small fortune in aviation. You start with a large fortune.
43. A male pilot is a confused soul who talks about women when he's flying, and about flying when he's with a woman.
44. A fool and his money are soon flying more airplane than he can handle.
45. The last thing every pilot does before leaving the aircraft after making a gear up landing is to put the gear selection lever in the 'down' position.
46. Try to keep the number of your landings equal to the number of your takeoffs.
47. Takeoffs are optional. Landings are mandatory.
48. You cannot propel yourself forward by patting yourself on the back.
49. The difference between a fighter pilot & a pig? A pig doesn't sit at a bar until 0300 waiting to pick up a fighter pilot.

On Whether to join the Navy or USAF

The piece is written by Bob Norris, a former Naval aviator who also did a 3 year exchange tour flying the F-15 Eagle. He is now an accomplished author of entertaining books about U.S. Naval Aviation including "Check
Six" and "Fly-Off".

In response to a letter from an aspiring fighter pilot on which military academy to attend, Bob replied with the following:

12 February 2004

Young Man,

Congratulations on your selection to both the Naval and Air Force Academies. Your goal of becoming a fighter pilot is impressive and a fine way to serve your country. As you requested, I'd be happy to share some insight into which service would be the best choice. Each service has a distinctly different culture. You need to ask yourself "Which one am I more likely to thrive in?"

USAF Snapshot: The USAF is exceptionally well organized and well run. Their training programs are terrific. All pilots are groomed to meet high standards for knowledge and professionalism. Their aircraft are top-notch and extremely well maintained. Their facilities are excellent. Their enlisted personnel are the brightest and the best trained. The USAF is homogenous and macro. No matter where you go, you'll know what to expect, what is expected of you, and you'll be given the training & tools you need to meet those expectations. You will never be put in a situation over your head. Over a 20-year career, you will be home for most important family events. Your Mom would want you to be an Air Force pilot...so would your wife. Your Dad would want your sister to marry one.

Navy Snapshot: Aviators are part of the Navy, but so are Black Shoes (surface warfare) and Bubble Heads (submariners). Furthermore, the Navy is split into two distinctly different Fleets (West and East Coast). The Navy is heterogeneous and micro. Your squadron is your home; it may be great, average, or awful. A squadron can go from one extreme to the other before you know it. You will spend months preparing for cruise and months on cruise. The quality of the aircraft varies directly with the availability of parts. Senior Navy enlisted are salt of the earth; you'll be proud if you earn their respect. Junior enlisted vary from terrific to the troubled kid the judge made join the service. You will be given the opportunity to lead these people during your career; you will be humbled and get your hands dirty. The quality of your training will vary and sometimes you will be over your head. You will miss many important family events. There will be long stretches of tedious duty aboard ship. You will fly in very bad weather and/or at night and you will be scared many times. You will fly with legends in the Navy and they will kick your ass until you become a lethal force. And some days - when the scheduling Gods have smiled upon you - your jet will catapult into a glorious morning over a far-away sea and you will be drop-jawed that someone would pay you to do it. The hottest girl in the bar wants to meet the Naval Aviator. That bar is in Singapore.

Bottom line, son, if you gotta ask...pack warm & good luck in Colorado.

Banzai

P.S.: Air Force pilots wear scarves and iron their flight suits.


(My dad sent me this one, he's a little biased. I guess it's not really a joke, but if you know anyone in these two services, it's really amusing.)

No Fighter Pilots

The world's best navigator died and went to heaven and St. Peter said: "Welcome to heaven my son, you have been the best navigator in the world and have done wonderful things for your friends, family, and country your whole life". For that reason I am authorized to let you choose which part of heaven you would like to go to.

"Well", the navigator said, "I'd really like to go somewhere where I will never see another fighter pilot again - those guys were loud and obnoxious, and generally just a pain in the ass. I never want to have to see them, talk to them, or deal with them again ever".

St. Peter replied "It's actually not much of a problem up here, we don't ever get many of them around, but just to be sure, I have the perfect place - it is a deserted tropical island where you will never be bothered again by any fighter pilots".

The navigator went off to the island very happy. About a week later he was back at the gates demanding to see St. Peter.

"What's wrong?" St. Peter asked.

"Well", said the navigator, "I thought you said I will never have to deal with a fighter pilot again. I was walking along the beach yesterday and I looked up, and there, coming towards me, was this guy swaggering along in a flight suit and g-suit, wearing a really big wrist watch, with a girl under each arm, telling war stories that all started with "There I was...."

St. Peter looked puzzled and said; "Let me check something". He then went into his computer to check the whereabouts of both of the fighter pilots in heaven. He was still looking puzzled and then it dawned on him. "That wasn't a fighter pilot you saw yesterday". That was actually God. He sometimes likes to dress up and pretend he is a fighter pilot.

A Christmas Accident

Fighter Pilot

Oops!! (part 5)

While on a flight from New York, the Stewardesses were busy passing out peanuts and cokes to everyone. There were about sixteen flights lined up waiting to get clearance to take off. Then the other Stewardess got a message from the Pilot that the tower said the wind had changed 180 degrees and they were first in line to take off, and to have everyone buckle up. Without thinking she just announced "Please buckle up, grab your drinks and hold your nuts, we're taking off!"

No one saw her for the rest of the flight to Houston, and all the other Stewardesses were laughing all the way and half of the passengers.

I Want to be a Fighter Pilot by a Fifth Grader

(This is only realy funny if you are or know a fighter pilot.)

I want to be fighter pilot when I grow up because it's fun and easy to do. Fighter pilots don't need much school, they just have to learn numbers so they can read instruments. I guess they should be able to read maps so they can find their way if they get lost. Fighter pilots should be brave so they won't get scared if it's foggy and they can't see or if a wing or motor falls off they should stay calm so they'll know what to do. Fighter pilots have to have good eyes so they can see through clouds and they can't be afraid of lightning or thunder because they are closer to them than we are. They make more money than they can spend. This is because most people think airplane flying is dangerous except fighter pilots don't because they know how easy it is. There isn't much I don't like, except girls like fighter pilots and all the girls want to marry them and they always have to chase them away so they won't bother them. I hope I don't get airsick because if I do I couldn't be a fighter pilot and would have to go to work.