Punny Lookin'

• I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
• Police were called to a daycare where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
• Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
• The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
• To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
• When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate.
• The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
• A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
• A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement. He became a hardened criminal.
• Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking.
• We'll never run out of math teachers because they always multiply.
• When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, UCLA.
• The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He did a number on it.
• The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.
• The dead batteries were given out free of charge.
• If you take a laptop computer for a run, you could jog your memory.
• A dentist and a manicurists fought tooth and nail.
• What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway.)
• A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two-tired.
• Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
• A backward poet writes inverse.
• In a democracy, it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.
• A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.
• If you don't pay your exorcist, you can get repossessed.
• With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
• Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.
• When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
• The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.
• A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France, resulting in Linoleum Blownapart.
• You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
• He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
• A calendar's days are numbered.
• A lot of money is tainted: 'taint yours and 'taint mine.
• A boiled egg is hard to beat.
• He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
• A plateau is a high form of flattery.
• Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
• When you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.
• When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.
• Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.
• Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
• Acupuncture: a jab well done.

Sex Bomb

All I can say is, Oh, dear lord...

David Letterman: Golf is Better than Sex

David Letterman's Top Ten Reasons
Why Golf Is Better Than Sex.....

• A below par performance is considered damn good.
• You can stop in the middle and have a cheeseburger and a couple of beers.
• It's much easier to find the sweet spot.
• Foursomes are encouraged.
• You can still make money doing it as a senior.
• Three times a day is possible.
• Your partner doesn't hire a lawyer if you play with someone else.
• If you live in Florida, you can do it almost everyday.
• You don't have to cuddle with your partner when you're finished.
And the number one reason why golf is better than sex.....
• If your equipment gets old and rusty, you can replace it!

Brokeback Football

This was actually on TV...The commentators paused and didn't say a WORD...
Arkansas Razorback players Clarke Moore, Brett Goode and Casey Dick need to stop hanging out on the sidelines!

Heavenly Football Match

St. Peter and Satan were having an argument one day about football.

This goes on and on with both arguing who would field the best team.

Satan proposed a game to be played on neutral ground between a select team from the heavenly host and his own hand-picked boys.

"Very well," said the gatekeeper of Heaven.

"But you realize, I hope, that we've got all the good players and the best coaches."

"I know, and that's all right," Satan answered unperturbed, "but we've got all the officials!"

Hole in One