Wal-Mart Murders

Tired of constantly being broke & stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary, & then arranging to have her killed.

A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch with a nefarious dark-side underworld figure who went by the name of 'Artie.' Artie then explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was $5,000.

The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money.

Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man opened his wallet, displaying the single dollar bill that rested inside.

Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, & reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down payment for the dirty deed.

A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Super Wal-Mart store. There, he surprised her in the produce department & proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands & as the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath & slumped to the floor.

The manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder scene. Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, ol'Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.

However, unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the hidden security cameras & observed by the store's security guard, who immediately called the police.

Artie was caught & arrested before he could even leave the store. Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with the hapless husband who was also quickly arrested.

The next day in the newspaper, the headline declared:

Murders! Two For a Dollar at Wal-Mart!

The Greeter

A very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into Wal-Mart with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

The Wal-Mart Greeter said pleasantly "Good morning, and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?"

The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, "Hell no they ain't twins. The oldest one's 9 and the other one's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?"

"I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am," replied the greeter. "I just couldn't believe someone made love to you twice."

"Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart."

Things You learn in Southern Illinois

• Possums sleep in the middle of the road with their feet in the air.
• There are 5,000 types of snakes on earth and 4,998 live in Southern Illinois.
• There are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 live in Southern Illinois plus a couple no one's seen before.
• If it grows, it sticks; if it crawls, it bites.
• Onced and Twiced are words.
• It is not a shopping cart; it is a buggy.
• Houses have "Winders" and "Windas", never has a window been seen South of I-70.
• People actually grow and eat okra.
• "Fixinto" is one word.
• There is no such thing as "lunch." There is only dinner and then there is supper.
• Iced tea is appropriate for all meals and you start drinking it when you're two.
• Backwards and forwards means "I know everything about you."
• DJeet? Is actually a phrase meaning, "Did you eat?"
• You don't have to wear a watch because it doesn't matter what time it is. You work until you're done or it's too dark to see.
• You don't PUSH buttons, you MASH them.
• You know the distance between stops on "The Wine Trail".
• You measure distance in minutes.
• You've had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day.
• You know who/which store has the best deal on cases of Natural Light beer.
• "Fix" is a verb. Example: "I'm fixing to go to the store."
• All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable, grain, insect or animal.
• You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked.
• You know what a "DAWG" is.
• You carry jumper cables in your car . . . for your OWN car.
• There are only four spices: salt, pepper, Tabasco and ketchup.
• The local papers cover national and international news on one page, but require 6 pages for local gossip and sports.
• The first day of deer season is a national holiday.
• 100 degrees Fahrenheit "a little warm." We have four seasons: Almost Summer, Summer, still Summer and Christmas.
• Going to Wal-mart is a favorite past time known as "goin' Wal-martin" or off to "Wally World."
• A cool snap (below 70 degrees) is good pinto-bean weather.
• Fried catfish is the other white meat.
• We don't need no stinking driver's ed, if our mama says we can drive, we can drive.
• You know how to WARSH your clothing, but laundry is beyond you.

EVERYONE can't be a Southern Illinoisan; it takes talent. You might say it's an art form or a gift from God!

Redneck Woman

A woman walks into the downtown welfare office, trailed by 15 kids.

"WOW," the social worker exclaims, "are they ALL YOURS???"

"Yep they are all mine," the flustered momma sighs, having heard that question a thousand times before. She says, "Sit down Leroy."

All the children rush to find seats.

"Well," says the social worker, "then you must be here to sign up. I'll need all your children's names."

"This one's my oldest - he is Leroy."

"OK, and who's next?"

"Well, this one he is Leroy, also."

The social worker raises an eyebrow but continues.

One by one, through the oldest four, all boys, all named Leroy. Then she is introduced to the eldest girl, named Leighroy!

"All right," says the caseworker. "I'm seeing a pattern here. Are they ALL named Leroy?"

Their Momma replied, "Well, yes-it makes it easier. When it is time to get them out of bed and ready for school, I yell, 'Leroy!' 'An' when it's time for dinner, I just yell 'Leroy!' an' they all comes arunnin' an' if I need to stop the kid who's running into the street, I just yell 'Leroy' and all of them stop. It's the smartest idea I ever had, namin' them all Leroy."

The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead and says tentatively, "But what if you just want ONE kid to come, and not the whole bunch?"

"I call them by their last names."

Arkansas Quarter

Hang on to any of the new Arkansas Quarters. If you have them, they may be worth much more than 25 cents. The US Mint announced today that it is recalling all of the Arkansas quarters that are part of its program featuring quarters from each state. This action is being taken after numerous reports that the new quarters will not work in parking meters, toll booths, vending machines, pay phones or any other coin operated devices.

The problem lies in the unique design of the Arkansas quarter, which was designed by a team of Ozark specialists. Apparently the duct tape holding the two dimes and the nickel together keeps jamming up the machines.

Vasectomy

A Kentucky couple, both bona fide red necks, had 9 children. They went to the doctor to see about getting the husband "fixed". The doctor gladly started the required procedure and asked them what finally made them make the decision--why after nine children, would they choose to do this.

The husband replied that they had read in a recent article that one out of every ten children being born in the United States was Mexican, and they didn't want to take a chance on having a Mexican baby because neither of them could speak Spanish.

Redneck Vacation

Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Luther, "Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation. Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different!

The last few years, I took your advice about where to go. Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Earline got pregnant.

Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Earline got pregnant again. Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earline didn't get pregnant again."

Luther asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?"

Billy Bob says, "This year I'm taking Earline with me."

Bubba & The Lawyer

Somewhere in the deep South, Bubba called an attorney and asked, "Is it true they're suing the cigarette companies for causing people to get cancer?"

"Yes, Bubba, that is true."

"And people are suing the fast food restaurants for making them fat and clogging their arteries with all them burgers and fries ... is that true, mister lawyer?"

"Sure is Bubba, but why do you ask?"

"Cause I was thinkin'........maybe I can sue Budweiser for all them ugly women I've been wakin' up with!"