Strictly mathmatical

From a strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes like this:

What Makes 100%?

What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?

Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?

We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.

How about achieving 103%?

What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R- K is
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

and

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E is
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E is
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T is
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far Ass Kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that, while Hard Work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the Bullshit and Ass Kissing that will put you over the top.

Staff Meeting

The boss of a Madison Avenue advertising agency called a spontaneous staff meeting in the middle of a particularly stressful week. (This is one pretty sharp boss!) When everyone gathered, the boss, who understood the benefits of having fun, told the burnt-out staff the purpose of the meeting was to have a quick contest.

The theme: Viagra advertising slogans.

The only rule was they had to use past ad slogans, originally written for other products, that captured the essence of Viagra.

Slight variations were acceptable.

About 7 minutes later, they turned in their suggestions and created a 'Top 10 List'. With all the laughter and camaraderie, the rest of the week went very well for everyone!

The top 10 were:

1. Viagra, Whaazzzz up!
2. Viagra, the quicker pecker picker upper.
3. Viagra, like a rock!
4. Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to be there overnight.
5. Viagra, Be all that you can be.
6. Viagra, Reach out and touch someone.
7. Viagra, Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.
8. Viagra, Home of the whopper!
9. Viagra, We bring good things to Life!
   And the unanimous number one slogan:
10. This is your pee pee. This is your pee pee on drugs.

Marketing

The buzz word in today's business world is MARKETING. However, people often ask for a simple explanation of "Marketing."

OK, here it is:

1. You're a woman and you see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and say, "I'm fantastic in bed."
• That's Direct Marketing.
2. You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a handsome guy. One of your friends goes up to him and, pointing at you, says, "She's fantastic in bed."
• That's Advertising.
3. You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and get his telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in
   bed."
• That's Telemarketing.
4. You see a guy at a party; you straighten your dress. You walk up to him and pour him a drink. You say, "May I?" and reach up to straighten his tie, brushing your breast lightly against his arm, and then say, "By the way,I'm fantastic in bed."
• That's Public Relations.
5. You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He walks up to you and says, "I hear you're fantastic in bed."
• That's Brand Recognition.
6. You're at a party and see a handsome guy. You talk him into going home with your friend.
• That's a Sales Rep.
7. He isn't happy with your friend so he calls you.
• That's Tech Support.
8. You're on your way to a party when you realize that there could be handsome men in all these houses you're passing, so you climb onto the
   roof of one situated towards the center and shout at the top of your
   lungs,"I'm fantastic in bed!"
• That's Junk Mail.
9. You are at a party; this well-built man walks up to you and grabs your ass.
• That's the Governor of California.
10. You like it, but twenty years later your attorney decides you were offended.
• That's America.

High Power Job

Don't Worry Be Happy

Stuck Pen

A coworker got his ink pen stuck inside our printer while trying to clear a jam. He attempted several times to remove the pen, but I told him we don't have time for that now, just put a note on the printer telling folks not to use it. We would have to report it to the Help Desk later. So he grabbed a piece of paper and a pencil and started writing the warning, so I left.

About 20 minutes later, one of my techs came in laughing and says he was just in the lobby, saw a piece of paper on a printer and went to investigate.

Attached is what he found. Sometimes things don't always come out the way you want them to...

Tired?

For a couple years I've been blaming it on lack of sleep, not enough
 sunshine, too much pressure from my job, earwax buildup, poor blood or 
 anything else I could think of.

But now I found out the real reason:

I'm tired because I'm overworked.

Here's why:

The population of this country is 273 million.

140 million are retired
That leaves 133 million to do the work.

There are 85 million in school.
Which leaves 48 million to do the work.

Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal
 government.
Leaving 19 million to do the work.

2.8 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with killing
 Osama Bin-Laden.
Which leaves 16.2 million to do the work.

Take from that total the 14.8 million people who work for 
 state and city governments.
And that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.

At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals.
Leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.

Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.
That leaves just two people to do the work.

You and me.


And there you are,

sitting on your ass,

at your computer, reading jokes.

Thanks. Really.

Why it's Better to Be the Boss

A Dying Wish

A businessman on his deathbed called his friend and said, "Bill, I want you to promise me that when I die, you will have my remains cremated."

"And what," his friend asked, "do you want me to do with your ashes?"

The businessman said, "Just put them in an envelope and mail them to the Internal Revenue Service. Write on the envelope, 'Now, you have everything.'"

Leaving Work Early

Three girls all worked in the same office with the same female boss.

Each day, they noticed the boss left work early. One day the girls decided that when the boss left, they would leave right behind her. After all, she never called or came back to work, so how would she know they went home early??

The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening, spent playtime with her son, and went to bed early.

The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the spa before meeting a dinner date.

The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband, but when she got to her bedroom, she heard a muffled noise from inside. Slowly and quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with her lady boss!! Gently, she closed the door and crept out of her house.

The next day at coffee break, the brunette and the redhead planned to leave early again, and they asked the blonde if she was going to go with them.

"No way," the blonde exclaimed. "I almost got caught yesterday."

Fun Things to do at Work

Company Parties

In order to stay in line with the new policy limiting the number of drinks to one beer at official events, we have purchased new cups for the next office get together.

Memo: Effective 1/1/06

Dress Code:

• It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.
• If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise.
• If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

Sick Days:

• We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Personal Days:

• Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.

Bereavement Leave:

• This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements.
• In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.

Toilet Use:

• Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken.
• After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders category".
• Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sanctioned under the company's mental health policy.

Lunch Break:

• Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy.
• Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.
• Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.

The Holiday Party

FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 4th November 2005
RE: Christmas Party

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols...please feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if the CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus!

A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 p.m.. Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time, however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets.

This gathering is only for employees! The CEO will make a special announcement at the Party.

Merry Christmas to you and your Family.
Pauline




FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 5th November 2005
RE: Holiday Party

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday, which often coincideswith Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we're calling it our 'Holiday Party'. The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians. There will be no Christmas tree or Christmas carols sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.

Happy now?

Happy Holidays to you and your family,
Pauline.




FROM; Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 6th November 2005
RE: Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table. You didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only", you wouldn't be anonymous anymore!! How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody?

Forget about the gift exchange, no gift exchange allowed now since the Union Officials feel that $10.00 is too much money and Management believes $10.00 is a little cheap.

NO GIFT EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED!

Pauline.




FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 7th November 2005
RE: Holiday Party

What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours.

There goes the party!

Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs, perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party - or else package everything up for you to take home in a little foil doggy bag. Will that work?

Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the toilets, Gays are allowed to sit with each other, Lesbians do not have to sit with gay men, each will have their own table.

Yes, there will be flower arrangements for the gay men's table too.

To the person asking permission to cross dress - no cross dressing allowed.

We will have booster seats for short people. Low fat food will beavailable for those on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the food--we suggest those people with high blood pressure taste the food first.

There will be fresh fruits as dessert for Diabetics. The restaurant cannot supply "No Sugar" desserts. Sorry!

NOW?? Did I miss anything?!?!?!?!?!
Pauline.




FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All ****** Employees
DATE: 8 November 2005
RE: The ******** Holiday Party.

Vegetarian pricks, I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death", as you so quaintly put it, you'll get your ****** saladbar, including organic tomatoes.
But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream.

I'm hearing the scream right NOW!!

I hope you all have a rotten holiday.

Drink,
drive,
and die.

The Bitch from HELL!




FROM: John Bishop - Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: 9th November 2005
RE: Pauline Lewis and Holiday Party

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Pauline Lewis a speedy recovery, and I'll continue to forward your cards to her. In the meantime, Management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and instead, give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd December off with full pay.

GOOD WISHES FOR THE NEW YEAR
(that is okay to say that -- isn't it?? )