A few facts...

1. There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and Shithead's.
2. The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content.
3. I live in my own little world but it's OK, everyone knows me here.
4. I saw a rather large woman wearing a sweatshirt - sorry. i chose to delete this one.
5. I don't do drugs 'cause I find I get the same effect just by standing up really fast.
6. A sign In a Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea."
7. Money can't buy happiness but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
8. I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.
9. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the "terminal"?
10. I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get elected.
11. The most precious thing we have is life, yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.
12. If life deals you lemons, make lemonade. If life deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Marys.
13. I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
14. Shopping tip: You can get shoes for a buck at bowling alleys.
15. I am a nobody; nobody is perfect, and therefore I am perfect.
16. Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.
17. That Claudia Schiffer must be a genius because I told a friend my plan to attain world peace, and he told me I have "Schiffer Brains."
18. No one ever says, "It's only a game!" when their team is winning.
19. Marriage changes passion... suddenly you're in bed with a relative.
20. Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?
21. Snowmen fall from heaven unassembled.
22. Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been.

Mother-of-the-Bride

Jennifer's wedding day was fast approaching. Nothing could dampen her excitement -- not even her parent's nasty divorce.

Her mother had found the PERFECT dress to wear and would be the best dressed mother- of-the-bride ever!

A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father's new young wife had bought the exact same dress! Jennifer asked her to exchange it, but she refused. "Absolutely not, I look like a million bucks in this dress, and I'm wearing it," she replied.

Jennifer told her mother who graciously said, "Never mind sweetheart. I'll get another dress. After all, it's your special day." A few days later, they went shopping and did find another gorgeous dress.

When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother, "Aren't you going to return the other dress? You really don't have another occasion where you could wear it.

Her mother just smiled and replied, "Of course I do, dear. I'm wearing it to the rehearsal dinner the night before the wedding."

Divorce, Custody, & Pepsi

A man and his wife were getting a divorce at a local court, but the custody of their children posed a problem. The mother jumped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she had brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them. The man also wanted custody of his children, so the judge asked for his side of the story.

After a long moment of silence, the man rose from his chair and replied:

"Judge, when I put a dollar into a vending machine, and a Pepsi comes out, does the Pepsi belong to me or to the machine?"

Don't laugh he won!

Accident at the Rehersal Dinner

The night before they were to be married a young couple was in a fatal car accident on their way to the church rehearsal.

The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.

While they sat there, still deeply in love, they wondered: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter showed up, they asked him.

St. Peter said, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out," and he left.

The young couple sat and waited for an answer. Weeks passed. While they waited, they pondered and discussed many related questions: "IF they were allowed to get married in Heaven, SHOULD they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all." "What if it doesn't work?" They wondered, "Are we stuck together FOREVER?"

After a month, St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informed the couple, "you CAN get married in Heaven."

"Great!" Said the couple, "But we were just wondering; what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"

"OH, COME ON!" St. Peter shouted, "It took me five weeks to find a priest up here!.......do you have ANY idea how long it'll take to find a lawyer?"