Why Women live longer....

Funeral

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?"

"98," she replied. "Two years older than me."

"So you're 96," the undertaker commented.

She responded, "Hardly worth going home, is it?"

An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart.

"Wal-Mart?" the preacher exclaimed. "Why Wal-Mart?"

"Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week "

The Fruitcake Lady

Death & Credit Cards?

This apparently started circulating last April. I would assume the woman died in January of '06, '05, or even earlier considering how e-mails get passed around and then the late fees started accruing. The credit card company charged her their annual fee, which of course she failed to pay, and thus the late fees started accruing.

Be sure & cancel your credit cards before you die. This is so priceless, and so easy to see happening, customer service being what it is today.

A lady died this past January, and Citibank billed her for February & March for their annual service charges on her credit card, and then added late fees & interest on the monthly charge. The balance had been $0.00, now it's somewhere around $60.00.

A family member placed a call to Citibank:

Family Member: "I'm calling to tell you that she died in January."

Citibank: "The account was never closed and the late fees & charges still apply."

Family Member: "Maybe you should turn it over to collections."

Citibank: "Since it is two months past due, it already has been."

Family Member: “So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?"

Citibank: "Either report her account to the frauds division or report her to the credit bureau; maybe both!"

Family Member: "Do you think God will be mad at her?"

Citibank: "Excuse me?"

Family Member: "Did you just get what I was telling you, the part about her being dead?"

Citibank: "Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor"

Supervisor gets on the phone.

Family Member: "I'm calling to tell you, she died in January."

Citibank: "The account was never closed and the late fees & charges still apply."

Family Member: "You mean you want to collect from her estate?"

Citibank: (Stammer) "Are you her lawyer?"

Family Member: "No, I'm her great nephew." (Lawyer info given)

Citibank: "Could you fax us a certificate of death?"

Family Member: "Sure." (the fax number is given)

After they get the fax ...

Citibank: "Our system just isn't setup for death. I don't know what more I can do to help."

Family Member: "Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. I don't think she will care."

Citibank: "Well, the late fees & charges do still apply."

Family Member: "Would you like her new billing address?"

Citibank: "That might help."

Family Member: "Odessa Memorial Cemetery, Highway 129, Plot Number 69."

Citibank: "Sir, that's a cemetery!"

Family Member: "What do you do with dead people on your planet?"

The Tomato Garden

An old Italian man lived alone in the country. He wanted to dig his tomato garden but it was very hard work as the ground was very hard. His only son, Vincenzo, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vincenzo,
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I am getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the garden for me.
Love Papa.

A few days later he received a letter from his son:

Dear Papa,
Not for nothing, but please, do not dig up that garden. That's where I buried the bodies.
Love Vinnie

At 4 am the next morning, FBI and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. The same day the old man received another letter from his son:

Dear Papa,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love, Vinnie

It Could Happen!

A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for $150." The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.

The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150?"

The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."

A Remarkable Obituary

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Mr. Common Sense. Mr. Sense had been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape.

He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons such as knowing when to come in out of the rain, why the early bird gets the worm and that life isn't always fair.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you earn) and reliable parenting strategies (adults, not kids, are in charge).

His health began to rapidly deteriorate when well intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place - Reports of a six-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition. Mr.Sense declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer aspirin to a student; but, could not inform the parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.

Finally, Common Sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments became contraband; churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims. Common Sense finally gave up the ghost after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot, she spilled a bit in her lap, and was awarded a huge financial settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust; his wife Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason. He is survived by two stepbrothers; My Rights and Ima Whiner. Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone.

Too Young to Die

Tom did like he always does, he kissed his wife, crawled into bed and fell asleep.

All of a sudden, he woke up with an elderly man dressed in a white robe standing in front of his bed.

"What the hell are you doing in my bedroom and who are you?" he asked.

"This is not your bedroom," the man replied, "I am St. Peter and you are in heaven."

"WHAT! Are you saying I'm dead? I don't want to die! I'm too young," said Tom. "I want you to send me back immediately."

"It's not that easy," said St. Peter. "You can only return as a dog or a hen. The choice is yours."

Tom thought about it for a while, and figured that being a dog is too tiring; but a hen probably has a nice and relaxed life. Running around with a rooster can't be that bad.

"I want to return as a hen," Tom replied.

And in the next second, he found himself in a chicken run, really nicely feathered. But, now he felt like his ass was gonna blow.

Then along came the rooster.

"Hey, you must be the new hen St. Peter told me about, how do you like being a hen?"

"Well, OK, I guess, but it feels like my ass is about to explode."

"Oh that!" said the rooster. "That's only the ovulation going on. You need to lay an egg."

"How do I do that?"

"Cluck twice, and then you push all you can."

Tom clucked twice and pushed and pushed: then 'plop,' an egg was on the ground.

"Wow!!" Tom said. "That felt really good!" So he clucked again and squeezed. And plop, out came another egg on the ground.

The third time he clucked, he heard his wife shout: "Tom, for Christ's sake! Wake up! You're shitting all over the bed!"

Hangover

Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out and screaming, "WOO HOO what a ride!"

Wedding Anniversary Sex

A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary.

The husband yelled, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: 'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever'."

"Yeah," she replied, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone reads: 'Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.'"

The Third Affair

A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated.

As he examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, who was about to be cremated, he made an amazing discovery. Schwartz had the longest private part he had ever seen!

"I'm sorry, Mr. Schwartz", said the mortician, "but I can't send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge private part like this. It has to be saved for posterity."

With that, the coroner used his tools to remove the dead man's schlong. He stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home. The first person he showed it to was his wife. "I have something to show you that you won't believe," he said, and opened up his briefcase.

"Oh my God!" the wife screamed, "Schwartz is dead!"